I think you need to find a healthy outlet to release some anger - not to turn it inward, as you are doing, but to turn it outward. What about martial arts? Boxing? Or even just listening to angry music? Do NOT beat yourself up; you are not a whore. That's exactly what this terrible guy would want you to think; that's what your abusers would want you to think. So don't fall for it. You're better than them.