Hello.
So nervous making this post. Battling with the old message that I'm not worthy and won't be accepted, that my issues aren't serious, that I won't be liked. Terrified of being rejected and abandoned.
Hard not to make a joke at this point, my go-to defense mechanism.
I have CPTSD from childhood abuse. Bullying at work. Had my whole life turned upside down in 2010. Have been abandoned and abused by my family in response in a way I would have never thought possible before this all started. I am not married and have no children. My day-to-day is trying to cope with this all alone. I have three good friends I can talk to, but they are very busy and I really hesitate to talk to them because I don't want to flood them with my stuff and have them decide maybe I'm not worth it. I have lived with the terror of having no money and the very real prospect of ending up in a homeless shelter. I am able to work now, but I still dissociate all through my shifts. I get no sleep. I've been fighting for so long and I just don't think I can do it anymore.
I feel like I have been walking around with so much now for years and years and doing my best to cope and put on a good face. I am realizing that I cannot do this alone and that finding trustworthy support is critical. Of course, I've also been taught so many times that I can't trust anyone. So, that's a crap double-bind to be in, desperately needing what is absolutely terrifying.
So I guess I'm putting my toe in the water. Holding my breath. Fighting the urge to be self-effacing and apologize for being so terrified to ask for support.
Anyway, hello.
So nervous making this post. Battling with the old message that I'm not worthy and won't be accepted, that my issues aren't serious, that I won't be liked. Terrified of being rejected and abandoned.
Hard not to make a joke at this point, my go-to defense mechanism.
I have CPTSD from childhood abuse. Bullying at work. Had my whole life turned upside down in 2010. Have been abandoned and abused by my family in response in a way I would have never thought possible before this all started. I am not married and have no children. My day-to-day is trying to cope with this all alone. I have three good friends I can talk to, but they are very busy and I really hesitate to talk to them because I don't want to flood them with my stuff and have them decide maybe I'm not worth it. I have lived with the terror of having no money and the very real prospect of ending up in a homeless shelter. I am able to work now, but I still dissociate all through my shifts. I get no sleep. I've been fighting for so long and I just don't think I can do it anymore.
I feel like I have been walking around with so much now for years and years and doing my best to cope and put on a good face. I am realizing that I cannot do this alone and that finding trustworthy support is critical. Of course, I've also been taught so many times that I can't trust anyone. So, that's a crap double-bind to be in, desperately needing what is absolutely terrifying.
So I guess I'm putting my toe in the water. Holding my breath. Fighting the urge to be self-effacing and apologize for being so terrified to ask for support.
Anyway, hello.