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Hello darkness my old friend....

bing25

New Here
Hey all.
New to this site, not really sure what I am hoping for. Just realized that I feel myself slipping again. - Kinda disappointed in myself, though deep down I know I shouldn't be. I'm hoping that by having a safe space to just get this all out of my head it will help.

Background summary:
1)abandonment issues with my bio dad / his family- parents split before I was born, father passed away when I was young
2)saw my mom deal with all sorts of abuse at the hands of my step-dad
3)sexual abuse survivor at hands of *sshole, sorry I have a hard time referring to him - mother's husband... come to find out after the fact he also abused 1 of my 3 siblings (his bio kids)
4)moving fwd - have a child who is a product of that situation... child doesnt know - is now 18 & in college... when younger & I was in counseling was told "no reason to tell at this point, pray that is an adult when asks & all you can do is present the facts and hope that they understand..." hasnt come up.
5) have had issues with relationships ever since... basically have had 3 or 4 serious relationships since all that happened including a 10 yr relationship - married for 3ish.

I'm not a huge fan of counseling - when I was in undergrad I had a great counselor but since I feel like I am wasting my time there.
I have tried a few different meds - dont like how they make me feel so I usually end up taking myself off them - yea I know how dangerous that can be if not done right... on and off - went back on 1 that worked before - had heart palpatations so they switched me to something else. didnt really work.

I dont like really talking about the details, but I know it helps. I'm your classic avoider when it comes to this stuff which is why I am shocked and proud of myself for signing up for this.

Last experience with the meds was about 3 yrs ago when I was going thru my divorce, move, and new job all at once. - see above palpatations comment. Last time in counseling was about 5 yrs ago.
Ironically by education 1 of my degrees is in psychology, so I know the stuff, but the practical application to my own life is very different - no I dont work in that field though I am in a medically related field.
Recently my sister brought a new person into her life - you might be asking what does this have to do with things... well he didnt know the story of things & something came up so I had to briefly without getting into details explain why "the only people with that last name that are my family is my mother and my siblings..." (she left the abusive jerk when she found out about us kids being abused)... so that conversation was this past weekend....

about 2 months ago there was a new employee in the building that I only rarely directly work with who has the same last name as said abuser... for the most part (now) I can put it out of my head as I know there is no relation, but from time to time I am just like WTF ?

I'm not sure what the deal is in my head.
I dont know if it's this new worker, the convo with the new man in my sister's life, or just the cyclic nature of this coming back around.

I hate admiting when there is a problem & only people who were around then really know the story, even now people who I work with who know my child just assume I was a teen mom who got into some trouble. - Is it bad that I'd rather them think that about me then to explain the truth? Is it bad that I would rather them think that about me then to risk throwing my child's thought process about their life into a tailspin?
I know at some point my kid is going to ask - shocked it hasnt yet, but at the same time ... "if it aint broke dont fix it right?"

Too much time on my hands gives me too much time to think about things...

Sorry for the ramble.
 
Welcome!
wow - you have alot going on here! I can't even begin to think how hard it was to get pregnant by your abuser and raise the child -- as a teen mom no less! You deserve a huge round of kudos for that! As far as the name thing -- lots of single moms give their kids their last name, so it wouldn't be unusual for your child to have the same name as his aunts and grandparents.

I know you don't like the idea of therapy, but it might be worth it to discuss this topic only -- what to disclose, why, and how to handle it. If your child finds out they are going to need you to be strong for them. Doing some pre-prep work might be beneficial
 
Entry 2... Not sure if I am doing this right... Streaming consciousness...
So it's been a bit since my last post
Things have been... I dont even know.
Work situation - avoidance seems to be working - boss called me in to follow up about the guy with the same last name who was being inappropriate with the students. I do my best to avoid him at all costs. it helps that his season is over - work in athletic he's an assistant for 1 of the teams.
$ at home been tight - my sister was going to help me, but she's had stuff come up too - I hate asking for help.
The past few months have been rough - my kid has been sick, I was so sick I lost a week of work due to the flu - literally slept for 3 days. Somehow I hurt myself resulting in so far 3 ortho visits,, an MRI, and 3 chiro visits with still limited success or return to normal function.
Pain isnt good for me.I try so hard to avoid meds - even when I am sick. had a brief issue in the past that I dont like to talk about or admit except in VERY rare situations. Got a cortisone shot - didnt help. was put on 800 mg IBU - doesnt really help. was put on 5 muscle relaxers - suppose to take the night before each chiro visit - they help. scared myself with a flash thought about taking before I should. - I didnt / havent. I stashed them away hoping for an out of sight out of mind thing. so far so good.
drinking more than usual - not to a point of not being able to function, just dont like not being in control of myself.
Had a nice vacation with my sister & her BF - they are too good to me. it was great. I want to go back to that, but not realistic. able to just go sit on the beach, fall asleep to the sound of the ocean each night. seeing dolphins in their natural habitat <3 but I did miss my dog, my house, my job.
I am stuck between this whole want to start dating again, & not really having the time to - maybe that's just an excuse, but with non-traditional work hours it is kinda true too. My kid brought up a good point - you know since the divorce you havent really dated at all - I responded with what about a & b - i'm told they dont really count b/c I dated them before I started dating my former spouse.
Speaking of - what is it with people ? I get trying to get to know you stuff, but really I'm not just going to have verbal diarrhea to someone I barely know and share my entire life story with you over the course of 2-5 dates. I've had my life for a long time & some things are so locked up I dont even remember all the details.
 
Entry 2... Not sure if I am doing this right... Streaming consciousness...

There is no right or wrong - there's just your journal where you can share your thoughts in whatever way you choose.

Have you thought any more about doing therapy? It might help getting some of these questions in a place where you can start finding answers. It's beneficial to have someone outside of your own head repeat back to you what you are thinking -- that can help with distortions and help you decide how much you feel comfortable sharing
 
Thought about yea. I have been in and out over the years. The 1st one was really the only T that I felt like really got "it"
Things have been a bit better since that last post
 
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