Hey all.
New to this site, not really sure what I am hoping for. Just realized that I feel myself slipping again. - Kinda disappointed in myself, though deep down I know I shouldn't be. I'm hoping that by having a safe space to just get this all out of my head it will help.
Background summary:
1)abandonment issues with my bio dad / his family- parents split before I was born, father passed away when I was young
2)saw my mom deal with all sorts of abuse at the hands of my step-dad
3)sexual abuse survivor at hands of *sshole, sorry I have a hard time referring to him - mother's husband... come to find out after the fact he also abused 1 of my 3 siblings (his bio kids)
4)moving fwd - have a child who is a product of that situation... child doesnt know - is now 18 & in college... when younger & I was in counseling was told "no reason to tell at this point, pray that is an adult when asks & all you can do is present the facts and hope that they understand..." hasnt come up.
5) have had issues with relationships ever since... basically have had 3 or 4 serious relationships since all that happened including a 10 yr relationship - married for 3ish.
I'm not a huge fan of counseling - when I was in undergrad I had a great counselor but since I feel like I am wasting my time there.
I have tried a few different meds - dont like how they make me feel so I usually end up taking myself off them - yea I know how dangerous that can be if not done right... on and off - went back on 1 that worked before - had heart palpatations so they switched me to something else. didnt really work.
I dont like really talking about the details, but I know it helps. I'm your classic avoider when it comes to this stuff which is why I am shocked and proud of myself for signing up for this.
Last experience with the meds was about 3 yrs ago when I was going thru my divorce, move, and new job all at once. - see above palpatations comment. Last time in counseling was about 5 yrs ago.
Ironically by education 1 of my degrees is in psychology, so I know the stuff, but the practical application to my own life is very different - no I dont work in that field though I am in a medically related field.
Recently my sister brought a new person into her life - you might be asking what does this have to do with things... well he didnt know the story of things & something came up so I had to briefly without getting into details explain why "the only people with that last name that are my family is my mother and my siblings..." (she left the abusive jerk when she found out about us kids being abused)... so that conversation was this past weekend....
about 2 months ago there was a new employee in the building that I only rarely directly work with who has the same last name as said abuser... for the most part (now) I can put it out of my head as I know there is no relation, but from time to time I am just like WTF ?
I'm not sure what the deal is in my head.
I dont know if it's this new worker, the convo with the new man in my sister's life, or just the cyclic nature of this coming back around.
I hate admiting when there is a problem & only people who were around then really know the story, even now people who I work with who know my child just assume I was a teen mom who got into some trouble. - Is it bad that I'd rather them think that about me then to explain the truth? Is it bad that I would rather them think that about me then to risk throwing my child's thought process about their life into a tailspin?
I know at some point my kid is going to ask - shocked it hasnt yet, but at the same time ... "if it aint broke dont fix it right?"
Too much time on my hands gives me too much time to think about things...
Sorry for the ramble.
New to this site, not really sure what I am hoping for. Just realized that I feel myself slipping again. - Kinda disappointed in myself, though deep down I know I shouldn't be. I'm hoping that by having a safe space to just get this all out of my head it will help.
Background summary:
1)abandonment issues with my bio dad / his family- parents split before I was born, father passed away when I was young
2)saw my mom deal with all sorts of abuse at the hands of my step-dad
3)sexual abuse survivor at hands of *sshole, sorry I have a hard time referring to him - mother's husband... come to find out after the fact he also abused 1 of my 3 siblings (his bio kids)
4)moving fwd - have a child who is a product of that situation... child doesnt know - is now 18 & in college... when younger & I was in counseling was told "no reason to tell at this point, pray that is an adult when asks & all you can do is present the facts and hope that they understand..." hasnt come up.
5) have had issues with relationships ever since... basically have had 3 or 4 serious relationships since all that happened including a 10 yr relationship - married for 3ish.
I'm not a huge fan of counseling - when I was in undergrad I had a great counselor but since I feel like I am wasting my time there.
I have tried a few different meds - dont like how they make me feel so I usually end up taking myself off them - yea I know how dangerous that can be if not done right... on and off - went back on 1 that worked before - had heart palpatations so they switched me to something else. didnt really work.
I dont like really talking about the details, but I know it helps. I'm your classic avoider when it comes to this stuff which is why I am shocked and proud of myself for signing up for this.
Last experience with the meds was about 3 yrs ago when I was going thru my divorce, move, and new job all at once. - see above palpatations comment. Last time in counseling was about 5 yrs ago.
Ironically by education 1 of my degrees is in psychology, so I know the stuff, but the practical application to my own life is very different - no I dont work in that field though I am in a medically related field.
Recently my sister brought a new person into her life - you might be asking what does this have to do with things... well he didnt know the story of things & something came up so I had to briefly without getting into details explain why "the only people with that last name that are my family is my mother and my siblings..." (she left the abusive jerk when she found out about us kids being abused)... so that conversation was this past weekend....
about 2 months ago there was a new employee in the building that I only rarely directly work with who has the same last name as said abuser... for the most part (now) I can put it out of my head as I know there is no relation, but from time to time I am just like WTF ?
I'm not sure what the deal is in my head.
I dont know if it's this new worker, the convo with the new man in my sister's life, or just the cyclic nature of this coming back around.
I hate admiting when there is a problem & only people who were around then really know the story, even now people who I work with who know my child just assume I was a teen mom who got into some trouble. - Is it bad that I'd rather them think that about me then to explain the truth? Is it bad that I would rather them think that about me then to risk throwing my child's thought process about their life into a tailspin?
I know at some point my kid is going to ask - shocked it hasnt yet, but at the same time ... "if it aint broke dont fix it right?"
Too much time on my hands gives me too much time to think about things...
Sorry for the ramble.