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Sufferer Hello Everybody

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Yvy

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I'm here to introduce myself. I have ptsd since I was a child because of the family I grew up in, it was very traumatic. But I'm not here to talk about that. I'm 33 years old now and finally found a job. And that always makes my fear very high (among other things that I do, but this seems to be the main topic the last few months). So the last months are going pretty bad, I seem to be in constant fear that I have done things wrong in my job, or that I've hurt people. I don't dare to rest or relax. My therapist says that it's the fear talking but it feels so real. I have these triggers and I keep falling for them. So I sought 'intrusive thoughts' up on the internet and ended on this forum. I have a very strong voice in my head that keeps telling me that I'm nothing and that I can't do anything and if I do something against that it only seems to grow stronger. The triggers in the 'now' aren't real, it has to do with feelings from my childhood that I pushed away (says my therapist). But I can't stop still believing in the triggers in the now and getting panic over that.

Anyway, I try to do mindfulness, EFT, have therapy once a week. I think I should learn to not fight against my ptsd and fears anymore. Because I hate them to be honest. I find it hard to accept. So now I'm trying to practice self compassion and read about it and meditate. Anyway, I thought maybe joining here I could get some ideas. And to be honest: I have some sweet friends who seem to understand a bit of my fear but most of them really don't. "there is no danger. Why can't you see that?" but for me it really still feels like there is danger and if I'm not on guard and relax it'll hit me so bad that I won't be able to cope... Maybe I hope to see that there are people who understand me more...

Well, that's a long introduction!!

I wish you all well,
greetings Yvy
 
Welcome to the forum! You're in the right place so jump right in.

I have some of the same issues you describe around fear at work, in situations where most people wouldn't even see any danger, so I can relate. You could also look up hypervigilance, because it sounds like a version of that. I hate to tell you I haven't found a way to make it stop yet, I just try to make the rest of my life as low-stress as possible.
 
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Hi and welcome. Really well down for getting a job, I'm a cptsd sufferer and hold down a job at an executive level and feel some of the feelings you spoke about. I do mindfulness , constantly tapping away using eft , also had emdr . All helpful factors towards coping on a daily basis . I'm sure ul get some really good advise here I know I did when I first became a member , good luck nd hope you continue in your job and it gets easier for you.
 
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thanks so much everybody. @Namenotdiagnosis I started the eft to with the help of youtube, I do the Brad Yates ones, is there a specific one that you do that helps? Or do you do different ones? I had emdr too but that didn't go well, I don't know if that was because of my therapist: the one awful trauma I had to think about made all the other traumas come up too and the moments that I was at home alone everything came up so strongly that I started to retraumatize. I didn't know what to do with the feelings, and she didn't really help me with that. I went there once in 2 weeks.

@sun seeker thanks! I'm going to look hypervigilance up on google! How do you make your life low stress? I want to learn not to be afraid of triggers (Because they are everywhere) but to learn what to do when they come up. If I would make my life with lower stress I wouldn't do a lot of things, and I want to do more things. For example I don't dare to go away a week or even a few days on vacation, that gives me a lot of fear. And I would really like to learn and be able to do that.
 
How do you make your life low stress? I want to learn not to be afraid of triggers (Because they are everywhere) but to learn what to do when they come up. If I would make my life with lower stress I wouldn't do a lot of things, and I want to do more things.
You've encapsulated the problem, right there. A lot of us live with the exact thing you are describing: to make our lives bearably low in stress, we cut out potential triggers until our lives become smaller and smaller. There was a thread on this topic a while ago where another member coined the term "bubbleizing" to describe this trend. I have almost no social life, struggle to find work that doesn't trigger me, and realize I am nowhere near ready for a relationship. I wish I could do these things but they're not part of my reality right now. I guess it's about defining new standards for what is normal for you. You do get used to it. Hopefully not forever. Suppose you had a physical condition like a broken leg. You would have to adjust your expectations of yourself until the leg healed. You wouldn't be running any marathons, but on the other hand, you would do the best you could to find what you could still do while on crutches.
 
wow @sun seeker well put! I guess I'm afraid if I adjust my expectations I'll have a 'small' life forever. I mean with small: all the things we can't do but wish we could.. I'm going to look for that topic. There's so much to read on this forum, I haven't figured out how everything works yet. :)
And what I find difficult: when do you know a standard is normal and good for you: OR if you're running away for something. That's so difficult to find the balance...
 
when do you know a standard is normal and good for you: OR if you're running away for something.
Well... another way to look at it would be to destigmatize running away. Say you were being chased by a saber-toothed tiger. Well that's not a very good example because it could clearly outrun you. Umm... I can't think of a better example, but anyway, suppose there were an immediate physical threat that you knew you wouldn't be able to fight, so your best choice for survival was to flee from it. Would you get down on yourself for running away to save your life? Of course not.

With PTSD, even when the immediate danger has passed, the brain hasn't gotten the message. There are real physical changes that keep us stuck feeling as if we are in danger even when we're not. This isn't to say there is nothing we can do to give ourselves the message of safety and eventually rewire so we feel, and are, safe most of the time. But to force ourselves to act as if we felt we were safe when our reptilian brains are firing messages right and left telling us to keep on running away, is to set ourselves up for disaster in my opinion. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems like you're having trouble getting your mind around the fact that PTSD is a real condition, as real as that broken leg. It's just invisible. It's a treatable condition, but it takes a long time.

Imagine you are with a small child who is afraid of monsters under the bed. Are you going to ridicule him/her and say "There aren't any monsters, now get over it, you're just being silly."? I hope not. The part of you that is convinced you are in danger is like that small child. Instead, be encouraging and supportive. One step at a time. "Okay, you think there are monsters. Yes, that's scary. Can we look under the bed together? How about a night light until you feel safer?"

That's what healing from PTSD is like, though I've simplified it a lot. What you think SHOULD be normal and good for you might not be, or not for now, and you need to give yourself permission to adjust those expectations. Where that line is will be different for each person. If it's a little bit stressful, okay, push yourself. If you're having panic attacks, it might be a sign you need to step back a bit. You'll find your own balance.
 
Welcome, and I myself am a new member as of today. Looking forward to gaining knowledge about how ptsd affects each and everyone of us. I feel like a ship lost at sea, just floating along and constantly taking on water, while avoiding new upcoming hazards all while trying to stay afloat. Most of my friends and family has avoided me, because of why? They have no clue how to approach me, or understand what I'm going through. I pray for us all who have been diagnosed, and that have to deal with this.
 
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