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Sufferer Hello hello, cptsd sufferer, isolation and abuse survivor here

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PocketoAlice

New Here
Figured I'd say hello and try out a new forum, so hello! ^-^

For anyone that's curious - I've suffered from a troubled childhood, first suicide attempt of many at age 13, in and out of counselling, meds, three routine but short-lived domestic abuse cases (physical violence, harassment, stalking, threats, rape) by the age of 16, bullied and ostracized from other kids, restraining order against father after attempted strangulation, homelessness, some 14 different school programs in high school, followed by a co-dependent relationship with a very troubled schizophrenic fellow. Stopped going to counselling. Psychosis from trauma developed, I was cut off from the rest of the world and lived in a very ugly haze for three or so years under direct "supervision" from said schizophrenic fellow. Lots of physical abuse, manipulation, daily sexual abuse, fabricated memories, attempted murder, severe weight gain, etc.

Anyway, got on a plane at age 19 to live with then boyfriend. Not the healthiest fellow, but he never laid a finger on me and I started to slowly get better. Was still isolated from everyone outside of him for another three years and had many more attempted suicide attempts. Eventually got tired of the way he treated me, respectfully wished him well and moved back home with parents after two deaths in family.

Still messed up, psychotic episodes occurring daily, still terrified of people, still believe in insane things and people that weren't real. Got a job from childhood friend at age 21 and toughed it out for many years. Too scared to return to counselling until age 22, but eventually did before dropping out in a few weeks. Regression of PTSD with dad returns full-swing, fighting resumes daily, as do my screaming and violent meltdowns. Returned again at age 23 after hospitalization from a nearly successful suicide attempt. Got put back on meds, ones that actually work now and got promoted in my company. I slowly got better at talking to other people and having non-fragmented conversations irl. Managed to move out with seven other friends. Eventually met a sweet guy, built a relationship for nearly a year and he is so supportive. Went through EMDR before the psychosis-induced memories became too much to recall and I had a full break down. Slowly began to accept the death of my alternate ego that took the abuse from shizo-fellow, as well as all my relationships during my isolation being fabricated.

Anyway, that's basically where I am. It's been a good 4-5 months since I last had an EMDR session, but I've been slowly working through my baggage and trying to learn to trust, let go of my anger and function semi-normally. I want to go back to school for video game design and coding, currently own my own business and want to start a YouTube.

TLDR; crazy stuff, am continuously getting better and am just looking for the next set of answers. I just want to be happy, carefree, loving and repair my faith in humanity and my trust in myself.

I know the PTSD will always be there, every therapist has made that abundantly clear, and that I am a complex and ugly case. Despite that, I still want to be happy anyway.
 
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