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Hello - Lifelong Detached and Very Lonely

Discussion in 'Introductions' started by purdyamos, Jul 4, 2006.

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  1. purdyamos

    purdyamos Active Member

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    I've been lurking on this forum for a while and it's about time I introduced myself. I won't type out a long essay, but in brief I had a completely shitty childhood - sexual, physical, emotional abuse, in a disgusting slum and bullied throughout school. I managed to get out and go to college far away, thinking I could leave it all behind and build myself a life through my own efforts, but of course it was all burnt into my brain and I've continually had mental problems throughout my adult life too. I had years of hateful psychiatrists and zombie-ing prescriptuin drugs until a couple of years ago I fell into the re-diagnosis of Complex PTSD. It made perfect sense and has changed for the better how I've seen the nature of all my symptoms, which would be the key to recovery if it weren't for a couple of things.

    The worst is that I have had to cope, ever since childhood 100% on my own. Almost everyone else I've seen on this board, for instance, has a parent or a sibling or a partner or spouse or a buddy or kids or SOMEONE they just have there that they feel close to or can be around. I've had NOBODY and it sends me almost completely mad. I am a total alien, even in the 'norms' of mental health adversity.

    Secondly, I am intelligent and responsible and conscientious, and have applied myself to learning about my condition and how to make myself better. Due to the psychopathic ways of my parents and isolation in school, this has meant trying to teach myself basic social skills and how-to-make-friends stuff that most people grow up knowing. I have become adept at being clever, interested, witty, generous, rewarding, etc but I'm 35 and I still haven't got a circle of friends and it looks like I'm going to be in isolation for the rest of my life. I've joined every club and taken up so many activities over the years I haven't got any options left to try. People respect me but they don't want to be pals, especially not the type that hang out together and ring each other up on mobile phones, and that kind of thing.

    I've had the full gamut of therapies and all the workers have agreed on how accomplished I am and how deep my insight and self knowledge, but in the real world it doesn't make a blind bit of difference. I am an isolated freak. So the cycle keeps getting entrenched again with each repeated failure.

    All the effort that I've put into trying to remedy my PTSD and depression and anxiety just gets ruined by the fact that my background has made me a grade A freak. Most people my age have got a house, a car, a partner (or a history of one), a career, kids, etc. I'm still stuck in the playground trying to fit in but I know I never will. I don't know how much longer I can cope anymore. I'm so bitter at so much failure and so bone-achingly lonely I just can't bear it. I get really extreme attacks of re-experiencing past events and suicidal self-hatred, dissociation and anger. It's exhausting and I've had enough.

    Sorry that's actually quite long, but I've only scratched the surface really. :crazy-eye

    P.S. My comments above about forummers having family members was not meant as a dig at them, I'm sorry if it comes across that way, it was just to show how universal having someone there is.
     
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  3. Nam

    Nam I'm a VIP

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    Hello, and welcome aboard.
    I do have a wonderful support system, so I don't know if what I say will have much impact. I do know that you're not the only one that feels alienated. I know that there are others that do feel that way that have never been diagnosed with any mental illness. In a way, all of us that has had traumatic pasts feel like we are "freaks" because we have had experiences that "normal" people can't fathom. You may feel lonely right now, but one good aspect of that is, you can heal alone. Now hear me out, I have put my loved ones through hell and back. I dragged them through the dirt and swore at them, verbally abused my children, was neglectful, etc. I can go on and on. I wish I didn't put them through that. So it's kind of a double edged sword. I think that if you work toward your healing and have a better outlook, you will find friends or better yet, they will find you.

    I really shouldn't advise you on how to find friends because I really don't have that many myself. Most of my friends are my husband's friends. I find it hard to keep track of them. To make phone calls, chit chat, meet for coffee, etc. When I have a bad week, it'll take me another week just to have the nerve to pick up the phone to meet someone and that's only IF I feel like meeting that someone. My husband keeps me social by inviting his friends over constantly, and I still can't talk to majority of them about my ptsd. If I'm having an off day, that's what I tell them and go no further. This forum is really the only place that I pour my heart out. So my ptsd friends are, anthony, YA, and piglet. I came to this forum partly thinking I could help other people because I thought I was "over it". Come to find out, I'm the one being helped.

    I hope that you find some good information here on this forum and maybe even a little comfort knowing you are not alone.
     
  4. piglet

    piglet Well-Known Member

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    Welcome. We share quite a lot in common, you and I. I have more or less accepted that I will be single all my life and I don't want to bring kids into my family anyway. I cope with isolation by having my pets, including a beautiful dog who is really my only trustworthy family member.

    I do get very sad and depressed about it all at times, especially on occasions when people I know get married or have kids, which should be happy occasions. I have lots of friends, but no-one really close who I chat to on the phone etc. I do manage to work (just), which at least gives me some social interaction, and I can feel part of a community without too much stress on myself.

    Stick around and you will get the benefit of a huge amount of experience and hopefully help you on the way to better things.
     
  5. YoungAndAngry

    YoungAndAngry Well-Known Member

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    purdyamos,

    You're a member here... now you aren't alone.
    Remember that,
    vent here whenever you need,
    I look forward to hearing more from you
    [DLMURL="http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread201.html"]post it your thoughts here daily, I'd love to hear what your you are up to[/DLMURL] :)
    (anthony, if I screwed up that link... please fix! eek!)

    And you say you feel like a freak?
    you're not alone...
    thats a big issue of mine too.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 21, 2015
  6. Socks

    Socks New Member

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    Hi Purdyamos
    Welcome to the forum.

    We are all here to offer support and advice based on our own experiences.

    Hang in there.

    Socks
     
  7. permban0008

    permban0008 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    Hi Purdyamos,

    Welcome to the forum. What a long journey you have travelled. I am glad for all of us that you found your way here, though I am certain that it could be the beginning of a mutually beneficial connection. I note the overlying tone of alienation in your post and I will say from the start that I cannot imagine your depths of loneliness or alienation but what can I say is 'welcome to the human race'. I doubt that there would be many among us, if they were honest, who could admit to no feelings of alienation at any time in their life. I don't have PTSD, my husband Anthony does, however I do not think that those with PTSD have the monopoly on feeling alienated, isolated or lonely. Perhaps it is the depth of this feeling that is the difference.

    As for most of us having 'someone'...that also comes with a price tag. Like Nam has said it can be a hard road for the support people and a double edged sword for those with PTSD. As if having PTSD isn't bad enough, you get the added guilt of upsetting family and friends on a regular basis.

    Its a complete injustice of this world that many of those charged with the responsibility of raising little people do such a poor job of it. Leaving behind scars and wounds which require years of self-reflection and hard work to overcome. You sound like you have made significant progress in that area. Congratulations. I see, everyday, the battle that PTSD can make of life.

    May I suggest that perhaps the issue with being unable to make friends is more about how you feel about you. Its hard when you don't feel a lot, or in fact, any self worth to make friends. I believe that is because others who appear to have it all and have it all together, are probably confronted by those who are brave enough to tackle their personal issues head on. Its much easier to bury your head in the sand, than stand up and be counted. Now that you have done all of that hard work perhaps its time to take a deep breath, step back, chill and become you.........I'm guessing from your post that you don't really know who 'you' are.

    Give yourself some credit for pulling yourself out of a horrible situation, becoming educated and trying to heal. I do apologise if I have been a little blunt.
     
  8. purdyamos

    purdyamos Active Member

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    Wow! Thank you for your thoughtful and welcoming responses! I certainly don't feel on my own with it all now. I accept what Nam and others say about alienation being universal. I know the grass is always greener etc, and I have freedoms that those with personal commitments don't have. I suppose it's just that years ago for a while I had the opportunity for therapeutic hugs when I was in my worst states, which I never had as a child and it filled a need that I crave again. I have two cats and they don't like being squeezed!

    I appreciate what you say, Kerrie Ann, about my bearing and self-image affecting potential friendships. I actually have quite distinct likes and interests, but still end up wanting to be what others expect of me. I hope when I become not-so newbie I'll be able to find confidence and strength in becoming part of this community. I also hope that I am able to impart insight to others such as I've felt from the responses above.

    You've all succeeded in making me feel 'normal' in your community. I look forward to getting to know people better and getting my feet under the table. And even 'meeting' the brilliant Anthony! I really appreciate what you've set up here, boss!

    I noticed how scattered you all are around the globe. I don't think my location is marked yet - I'm in England.

    Thank you all again. :)
     
  9. YoungAndAngry

    YoungAndAngry Well-Known Member

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    I'm so happy to hear that :redface:
    I know this is one of the very few places I feel "normal"
     
  10. Nam

    Nam I'm a VIP

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    I second that.
     
  11. permban0008

    permban0008 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    See, we already have common ground. Anthony and I have two cats also. Sassi and Baloo, one lilac and one dark chocolate (brown is far too common a colour for my regal cat) Burmese. Anthony oftens laments the damage that these tyrants can cause in our house but he did ask for spirited cats and that is exactly what he got! Something about being careful what you ask for!!

    As for the 'brilliant Anthony'...........lord give me strength. I'll concede to talented but 'brilliant'?
     
  12. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Hi Purdyamos,

    Welcome to the forum, and very glad to have you here. I thank you for becoming part of this community, and really do hope you feel at home here to discuss your general issues, how your day is, and just know that you just found a lot of people who do understand, and are willing to be your friend, just for the way you are, all your past included. Welcome aboard.

    Sorry I hadn't posted sooner, as I was out last night at a football match, and have been laid up all day from the damn flu, and to make matters worse, my little fella has a really bad dose of it also. So its not midnight, and I am just getting around to reading the forum and all the posts basically for the last 30hrs. I hate being sick... yuk!

    Yep, that would suck. I will admit, I have had periods during all this where I had nobody, not even a good friend, as I basically just couldn't remain in contact with them, but never my entire life. I have no idea how that must feel... though I imagine it was pretty shitty... which you pretty much described.

    35 ha? 34 myself, and guess what? You just found a place who accepts you for you, without any effort to fit in, or try and compose yourself into your surroundings (done that myself, and am pretty good at it also). I much prefer just you thanks Purdy, without all the masks attached. Very glad to have you here, and again, thank you for being here to share your experience, desires and aspirations with us all.

    How wrong you where with that statement Purdy... because you just found a circle of friends, people who want to know you just for you, are interested in just you, with no hidden agenders. Hey, 35 years, but you now solved that issue in your life. I am honored to get to know you, and just chat with you, being you purdy. Doesn't life just take some weird twists at times???

    I think Kerrie touched on this anyway, but isn't is amazing at the lengths we will go too at times to just be wanted. This really isn't exclusive to PTSD purdy, so don't beat yourself up over this social inadequacy. People do this everyday. Some buy cool cars they can't afford, to fit in or be liked, or try and represent themselves in a higher class than they really are. People are being fake to themselves every single day, millions all around the world, all off whom don't have PTSD. I understand, you just want to be liked. Who doesn't?

    You really need to give yourself some true credit though purdy, for what you have endured in your life, how you pulled yourself out of that circle, and hey, at the end of the day, its better to be reputable and honest with yourself, than some others that exist within this world. You have done a truly inspiratational job with yourself, getting yourself from your abuse to atleast a point in life that provides some sort of socio-economic standing to continue your healing process. It is better to be where you are, than constantly be drunk, homeless, or even dead. You are a true survivor of bad upbringing purdy, and a definate shining light to others who don't think its possible to succeed within yourself, for yourself, from being abused. You really should be giving yourself a huge pat on the back to have come as far as you have, and by yourself... a huge achievement for any person, let alone what you have endured in life. Well done, and a huge congratulations on maintaining yourself with no support Purdy. Many a person would call it quits and fallover, call it too hard, but you didn't, nor did you take the easy option out (suicide), instead you stood your ground, refused to go down without a fight, you won to a point, and here you are today, still pushing yourself to go forward. A very honest and deep, well done purdy.

    Are... and how reality always hits home with us. I think calling yourself an isolate freak is a bit harsh purdy... and you really do need to give yourself a whole lot of self praise for your sheer accomplishments to date, with abuse from childhood, and the life long trauma and PTSD you have endured during it all. But, reality always hits home. Atleast you realise that every bit of self accomplishment doesn't make up for everything.

    Self accomplishment is great, if for the right reasons, ie. pushing yourself to not let PTSD get the better of you, or knowing you are good enough to hold that job position, and fighting to get it. These type of aspects are good, but as I know from walking the path as you are / have, trying to fit in under the wrong circumstances is just never a "real" thing. It feels fake regardless how much we want it, and it is fake at the end of the day. It eventually catches up with us, though some still continue to push on with fake lives every single day, most of which don't have PTSD. So your really just not isolated in regard to this.

    Children actually show us the true reality of fakeness each and every day, though the difference is, is that they admit it when asked, where adults make excuses. For example, if you ask a teenager why they want this pair of shoes, they will often say, "because such and such has them, and they look cool" or just "because they look cool, so I will be cool and liked if I have them." Children have that honesty towards things, where the same situation as an adult, many will respond with something like "I need these shoes because they support my feet better", or "even though my best friend has them, its not because they have them, but because of the improved flexibility of the toe allows me to run faster", etc etc etc. Adults make up a miriad of excuses each and every day, all around the world, all for social interaction, coolness factors and to be liked. Most adults wouldn't have a clue about the factors of a shoe, but instead the realism is the same as what the child wants the shoe for, except the adult derives another answer for the fantasy of the situation, or the fakeness factor!

    I think you have busted yourself up long enough purdy, and its time to start giving yourself some true, honest rewarding for how well you have done in life, and even though you may have been continually trying to "fit in", you will actually "fit in" better if you just stop trying. I have three distinct associations with people I know, chat with and circle around, they are:
    • Acquaintance - A person I know, though wouldn't trust to keep a secret, or rely upon when asked for help. They may be good to go for a night out with, social event or occasion, but otherwise pretty useless.
    • Mate - A person I like, as person I can chat with, a person I could trust to a certain point, though I wouldn't necessarily trust with deep dark and juicy secrets, because they don't mind a chat, and will most likely repeat what was said in confidence at some point. They may be more reliable to help you when needed for nothing in return, but would sleep with your partner or stab you in the back if a significant reward or offering was going to favour them.
    • Friend - I have two on the face of the planet, whom of which I can tell anything at all, and it will be taken to the grave with them, even if not within my best interest, they will respect my wishes and desires. I would travel the globe to help them, and they would return the favour to me. They would help and assist me with anything that I ask, with little questioning, or generally offer other possible solutions that have no self interest to themselves.
    Now, family fit within those realms, though family often have a more emotional value within your life... sometimes, so family can confuse those things above. What I would say though, is I could ring a friend, and that would be the one time if I said to them, "I'm going to kill myself", that I would expect them to pass the message and get me help. Why? Because the mere fact that I rung them and said that, cry's help all over it. If I wanted to do it otherwise, I certainly wouldn't call anyone, as someone who has made up their mind about committing suicide, just does it without bringing undue attention to themselves.

    Purdy... what your forgetting here, is most of those haven't suffered what you have suffered, nor do they have PTSD. Put them in the same life experiences as you have had, and how many would have killed themselves, resigned themselves to a life of failure, compared to yourself who has pulled yourself through the shit that life has thrown, to a greener pasture where you can atleast continue to build upon yourself??? Again, your really not giving yourself enough credit for your hard work. You have suffered, are still suffering, and have worked hard at yourself the entire time. Stop beating yourself up, accept yourself as actually quite successful for the sheer obstacles you have leaped your entire life. Material possessions are not the same as inner and self possessions. You can wrap yourself up in the most materialistic world you want, none of which would make you, you!

    I am really looking forward to getting to know you more purdy, because you sound like a very nice person, an honest person, and someone who is willing to do what it takes to have themselves a better life than what could have had because of childhood circumstances. A job very well done purdy... all of which you need to give yourself a heap of credit and self praise for. Honestly, I wish I could be half as strong as you purdy... and I'm serious. I don't know if I could have handled the same life situations as well as you have done... :thumbs-up
     
  13. purdyamos

    purdyamos Active Member

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    Thank you so much, Anthony, for your in depth reply. I'm going to print out this thread and use what people have said to give me a boost when I'm having a 'crap' attack. Looking, today, in an entirely different mood, to some of the things I said, I think I sound big headed, but at the same time self-loathing. Typical paradox. I'll try that one as my first lesson, and try not to beat myself up! :hit-boss:

    I'll try and get online every day and catch up with everyone's stories. I just hope I have the courage to offer the weight of support and advice to others that's come my way. Thanks again everyone.
     
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