I've been lurking on this forum for a while and it's about time I introduced myself. I won't type out a long essay, but in brief I had a completely shitty childhood - sexual, physical, emotional abuse, in a disgusting slum and bullied throughout school. I managed to get out and go to college far away, thinking I could leave it all behind and build myself a life through my own efforts, but of course it was all burnt into my brain and I've continually had mental problems throughout my adult life too. I had years of hateful psychiatrists and zombie-ing prescriptuin drugs until a couple of years ago I fell into the re-diagnosis of Complex PTSD. It made perfect sense and has changed for the better how I've seen the nature of all my symptoms, which would be the key to recovery if it weren't for a couple of things.
The worst is that I have had to cope, ever since childhood 100% on my own. Almost everyone else I've seen on this board, for instance, has a parent or a sibling or a partner or spouse or a buddy or kids or SOMEONE they just have there that they feel close to or can be around. I've had NOBODY and it sends me almost completely mad. I am a total alien, even in the 'norms' of mental health adversity.
Secondly, I am intelligent and responsible and conscientious, and have applied myself to learning about my condition and how to make myself better. Due to the psychopathic ways of my parents and isolation in school, this has meant trying to teach myself basic social skills and how-to-make-friends stuff that most people grow up knowing. I have become adept at being clever, interested, witty, generous, rewarding, etc but I'm 35 and I still haven't got a circle of friends and it looks like I'm going to be in isolation for the rest of my life. I've joined every club and taken up so many activities over the years I haven't got any options left to try. People respect me but they don't want to be pals, especially not the type that hang out together and ring each other up on mobile phones, and that kind of thing.
I've had the full gamut of therapies and all the workers have agreed on how accomplished I am and how deep my insight and self knowledge, but in the real world it doesn't make a blind bit of difference. I am an isolated freak. So the cycle keeps getting entrenched again with each repeated failure.
All the effort that I've put into trying to remedy my PTSD and depression and anxiety just gets ruined by the fact that my background has made me a grade A freak. Most people my age have got a house, a car, a partner (or a history of one), a career, kids, etc. I'm still stuck in the playground trying to fit in but I know I never will. I don't know how much longer I can cope anymore. I'm so bitter at so much failure and so bone-achingly lonely I just can't bear it. I get really extreme attacks of re-experiencing past events and suicidal self-hatred, dissociation and anger. It's exhausting and I've had enough.
Sorry that's actually quite long, but I've only scratched the surface really. :crazy-eye
P.S. My comments above about forummers having family members was not meant as a dig at them, I'm sorry if it comes across that way, it was just to show how universal having someone there is.
The worst is that I have had to cope, ever since childhood 100% on my own. Almost everyone else I've seen on this board, for instance, has a parent or a sibling or a partner or spouse or a buddy or kids or SOMEONE they just have there that they feel close to or can be around. I've had NOBODY and it sends me almost completely mad. I am a total alien, even in the 'norms' of mental health adversity.
Secondly, I am intelligent and responsible and conscientious, and have applied myself to learning about my condition and how to make myself better. Due to the psychopathic ways of my parents and isolation in school, this has meant trying to teach myself basic social skills and how-to-make-friends stuff that most people grow up knowing. I have become adept at being clever, interested, witty, generous, rewarding, etc but I'm 35 and I still haven't got a circle of friends and it looks like I'm going to be in isolation for the rest of my life. I've joined every club and taken up so many activities over the years I haven't got any options left to try. People respect me but they don't want to be pals, especially not the type that hang out together and ring each other up on mobile phones, and that kind of thing.
I've had the full gamut of therapies and all the workers have agreed on how accomplished I am and how deep my insight and self knowledge, but in the real world it doesn't make a blind bit of difference. I am an isolated freak. So the cycle keeps getting entrenched again with each repeated failure.
All the effort that I've put into trying to remedy my PTSD and depression and anxiety just gets ruined by the fact that my background has made me a grade A freak. Most people my age have got a house, a car, a partner (or a history of one), a career, kids, etc. I'm still stuck in the playground trying to fit in but I know I never will. I don't know how much longer I can cope anymore. I'm so bitter at so much failure and so bone-achingly lonely I just can't bear it. I get really extreme attacks of re-experiencing past events and suicidal self-hatred, dissociation and anger. It's exhausting and I've had enough.
Sorry that's actually quite long, but I've only scratched the surface really. :crazy-eye
P.S. My comments above about forummers having family members was not meant as a dig at them, I'm sorry if it comes across that way, it was just to show how universal having someone there is.