• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Supporter Hello, New Supporter, Not Coping Well.

Status
Not open for further replies.

Tony300

New Here
HI, Im Tony, male, 30's, supporter of girlfriend of 3 years with ptsd. She has had very abusive relationships ending up with one guy in prison.

I supported her through the trial, and I dont feel I've ever got over the stress from that alone. Had some medical issues too with hospitals etc, added stress. Loss of employment for both of us at one stage, lost contact with friends.

Shes had some therapy, not in it at the moment, whe wont take medication.
Things should be 'ok' money is not so tight, things looking up, in my eyes anyway.

We just cant stop arguing about various things and its destroying the relationship.
I feel like ive had enough, but the idea of splitting up is not good. I've sort of lost it more recently during arguments, i just flip out, screaming for her to leave me alone, sometimes I go to the other room to be on my own but she cant handle it and comes back for another round of arguing. I feel physicaly trapped when that happens and just get more shouty and wanting to be alone!! Arguing makes me soo physicaly tired now. Its a huge drain and then I cant function properly at work.

Im usualy left feeling its my fault, "im the one with ptsd, why are you been like this" etc, im not alowed to be in a bad mood if she has pissed me of for the unpteenth time or if its unrelated to her. If im down for any reason she thinks its her fault and the tension builds, its so tiresome. Shes constantly checking my mood as with previous partners bad mood meant she was going to get hit.

I get blamed for things, stupid things, but it makes me so angry. She knows she is not been fair but cant seem to stop or nip it in the bud so things always escalate.

Advice more than welcome
 
You may not want to hear this, and this is just my opinion but it sounds like you two would cope better without the "boyrfriend girlfriend" title. I mean if all you do is fight then break up and remain friends, but if you genuinely love her and are willing to compromise then it may work out for the best. Maybe when you feel yourself getting heated you can try to calm the both of you down, sit down at the table and try to calmly explian how you're feeling and what she does to you makes you feel bad. Yes you have PTSD but it doesn't and I don't think it should ever be an excuse to emotionally and or verbally abuse someone. I have it to but I always try to calm myself down in an argument so it won't leave any scars later.

Maybe write letters to each other after a fight, always reassure her that you would never ever lay your hands on her in a way meant to hurt her, but tell her that she is hurting your feelings by always wanting to be 1st in the relationship. I believe it should be 60/40 with each of you giving the 60 if you get what I mean. The key thing to do is find a way to communicate, maybe if your feeling angry play a song that conveys that emotion. Cook her favourite meal and try to talk to her. Try find some time for yourself to relax each day or at least twice a week, drinks water to stay hydrated so you won't be fatigued and feel extra bouts of stress from poor health, eat fruits and do a little exercising

But if it's not working out at all then you could end the relationship but let her know you will always be there for her, and when the time comes, be there for her.
 
If you exhibit your inability to control your anger and not lash out at her since you are blaming her for everything, then she unconsciously will crave the tension as she knows you'll lose it and then things will calm down. She'll be just fine without you, so leave her alone.
 
She's playing the victim.

Until she stops blaming her PTSD for everything, she's going to be stuck in that sort of mentality and she's not going to heal.
 
Hi @Tony300 and welcome to the forum. I hope you will find lots of useful advice and support here.

I'm really sorry to hear that things are tough right now. PTSD is a nasty beast, and makes intimate relationships difficult. From what you've said, it sounds like you both need some more effective strategies for conflict resolution and communication.

A timeout is a good way to immediately stop an escalating argument. It's something you have to put in place beforehand though. Perhaps discuss it with her at a time when things are calm. The strategy will only work if you both agree to implement it though.

im not alowed to be in a bad mood if she has pissed me of for the unpteenth time or if its unrelated to her. If im down for any reason she thinks its her fault and the tension builds

Perhaps a pre-emptive heads-up would help this situation, during times when you are feeling cranky about something other than her. For example, could you perhaps say "Sorry, I'm in a crappy mood today. It's nothing to do with you and I'll try to manage it as best I can, but I apologise in advance if I seem a bit cranky today" ?

Recent research indicates that two factors are key in successful relationships - kindness and looking for positives (instead of negatives) in your partner's behaviour. Kindness is hard to practice when you're having a disagreement, but it is the most crucial time to practice it. That's when it really counts. And always looking for things to be grateful for in your relationship, instead of focusing on the negatives. Both of these things are hard to do when things are not going well. But trying to change your mindset may help to get you both through the tough spots.

Just my two cents, based on what has worked for me with my PTSD partner. I wish you all the best.
 
Vicarious or secondary traumatization of supporters is a real thing. Maybe consider talking to a therapist -for you, for your own sake, regardless of the status of things with her.
 
Sounds to me like she'd rather hurt you and argue with you than for her to be alone. To feel rejection from you.

Her using the PTSD diagnosis as a cover for her behavior is concerning. Not allowing you to have feelings...that's also concerning. I've had PTSD for quite a while, I have never said something even close to what she said. It doesn't mean she's not suffering. I would go to couples counseling along with her also going to a therapist. Be open minded about drugs since working on healing can have a serious dip at the beginning. I hope it works out for you.

Welcome to the forum.
 
i just flip out, screaming for her to leave me alone,
What would happen if you didn't do that and put on a total neutral additude. If you didn't respond with anything beside "I know you are upset, it is ok." it would probably defuse her pretty quick. The other thing you could do is tell her that you need to take a time out so that you can be the person she needs you to be. With carefully choose wording, you are more likely to get the space you need with out inciting insecurity that screaming "leave me alone" can cause.
 
I've sort of lost it more recently during arguments, i just flip out, screaming for her to leave me alone, sometimes I go to the other room to be on my own but she cant handle it and comes back for another round of arguing.

When your partner has PTSD, there is no good way to argue. It's like throwing gasoline on a fire. We talk a lot about setting boundaries in the supporter section. A popular one Is the boundary when it comes to lashing-out behavior. When the stress gets to be too much for a sufferer, sometimes they deal with it by lashing out, and unfortunately we tend to be the closest in proximity. You can let her know that you will not tolerate being spoken to in a certain way... even if she has PTSD. It's not a license to hurt you.

When my sufferer lashes out, or starts to get heated or aggressive in a negative way I immediately stop him. I say "I love you, but I am not going to argue or stay here while you are treating me like this. Call me when you are ready to talk." Sometimes I even put my hand up in a "stop" gesture. Then I leave. I leave the house if I have to. My boundary is that I will not tolerate that behavior, so I cannot stay there and tolerate it. I do it every single time, and he is learning that I am not kidding around or blowing smoke. I mean what I say.

This has done a few things. None of our arguments get to that level where we hurt each other. It is easier to recover from. He has also learned that if he wants to discuss something that is irritating to him, he has to do it calmly if he wants me to listen.

Good luck to you @Tony300... you are not alone. Welcome to the forum.
 
@Tony300 Welcome to the forum!

One thing that might be helpful is discussing setting boundaries, with your girlfriend, when conflicts arise. If she is amenable, both of you can set some guidelines which can include respecting another's right to take a "time out" without judgement. Nothing is productive when emotions run so high that communication breaks down, and until she is willing to address her own issues its not a cycle that will end without active participation.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top