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Help Me Stop Going Down This Rabbit Hole

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sun seeker

MyPTSD Pro
This is going to take a little explaining. I'm in a situation that is leading me down the very familiar path of self loathing and feeling like I'm too damaged to be a part of normal society, that no one wants me, that it isn't okay to ask for help, that I inevitably need too much and drive people away. Please help me. I don't want to go there. I was doing pretty well at getting out, but there's this incident that has set me tumbling back in.

I have a friend I've known for decades. She also has a history of trauma, but I would not say she has PTSD. My symptoms are more extreme. We've been friends and supported each other through a lot. Been in a lot of groups and activities together, been there for each other through crises, called each other when we needed support. I wouldn't say one or the other of us has been there more for the other. But somehow it seems like she thinks so.

I had a complete breakdown several months ago, which I am pulling out of with a lot of work and the help of an excellent therapist. This friend supported me through the worst of the breakdown, which included staying with me for four days. I am grateful for that because otherwise I would have ended up in the hospital. But after that, she needed to go live her own life, which is understandable. I carried on by myself at home, even though I was still deep in crisis mode. But I managed.

Then several months ago, she got a job near where I live. The commute is hard in winter, but not impossible. She asked if she could stay with me "a few nights a week." Very quickly that turned into all except the weekends, and I was never asked if this was okay. Bit by bit I felt like my home was being taken over as she would just assume she could use my things, make messes I had to clean up, not do any house work beyond washing a few dishes. My frustration and resentment grew. I was friendly, but grew more distant.

During some of this time I was going through some bad PTSD symptoms, and I knew she couldn't handle the intensity, so I spent lots of time hiding in my room while she was here. She probably thinks of the times she was supportive, but the truth is she triggered me a lot more than she helped. I felt like it wasn't my home anymore. My stomach started tying itself in knots when she was here. My already existing digestive issues got a lot worse and I was down to only a few things I could eat.

Last week, several things came together in her life and she was in a crisis of her own. She called me saying she was sick, but was coming in anyway the next day. Now, she knows one of my boundaries is I can't have people here with communicable illnesses, because I work with the elderly. Besides that, it is a huge trigger for me. She knows this, I've said it before many many times and she knows the trauma it comes from and that it is not something I can just shrug off. Her being here with a cold would have meant me being frozen in my room in terror the whole time she was here.

I kindly, compassionately, said I knew this was the last thing she wanted to hear, but no, that didn't work for me.

All hell broke loose. She swore (not calling me names directly, but the tone was scary) and demanded why I couldn't think of her "for a change."

She's been living here rent free, taking over my house, for months, and wants me to think of her for a change.

I said goodbye before it escalated any further. Waited a few days for her to cool off, then sent her an e-mail saying this crossed the line and it was time for her to find another place to stay. Explained why.

I got an e-mail back last night that has me not only fuming, but falling down the rabbit hole of self loathing. Still no recognition of why I needed to set this limit, and justifying why she said I should think of her "for a change." She wanted me to empathize, recognize how triggered she was, and that she doesn't mind supporting me but needs there to be a balance.

Huh??? I kind of thought letting her take over my house and not pay any rent, and spending days at a time hiding in my room instead of stating my needs was rather over-balanced in her favour.

I am feeling now, again, back where I was before all the hard work I've done in therapy on self esteem, setting boundaries, knowing that I am worthy and that it is good to ask for help. Now I feel like I am worthless, like I shouldn't tell anyone how much I am struggling, that I will always be too much for people and should just keep my problems to myself. I feel so deeply betrayed by this. I feel like I let myself be used as a doormat only to find that I'm being treated like one. I don't want to leave the house and let anyone see me. I feel like the worthless piece of shit I already thought I was before working so hard to feel like I wasn't. Like I don't deserve any support, like I am a hopeless case that people only spend time with out of kindness.

Is that how I should be feeling? I don't even know anymore.
 
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I'm sorry @sun seeker , :( , both for your situation & also because I can't find the words to help. Except to say I can relate to the feelings, have been experiencing much the same, & I think it comes to assertiveness, or rather asserting needs (of my/ our own). And the backlash of feeling having needs met is somehow not entitled, that end of the day "I" am a terrible person.

I'm sure others will have words of wisdom. Hugs to you ++. :hug:
 
Oh, and another thing... I hate how some people without PTSD throw around the word "triggered." Yes, I can believe she was triggered, because the way she was acting was so out of proportion to what was happening. But does she have any idea what it is like to literally feel like your life is in danger, to be huddled in a corner rocking and whimpering feeling like if you don't make the right decision you will die imminently... and STILL do your best to put other people's needs first?

I don't think so. Even though she's seen me there many times.

If people had any idea what we live with every day and STILL try to act "normal" enough to be acceptable to society. Any idea. They'd run away screaming.
 
And the backlash of feeling having needs met is somehow not entitled, that end of the day "I" am a terrible person.
I wonder if this is just the process of going from people being used to us not asserting our needs, so then when we begin to, there is a backlash where they feel indignant because the doormat they were used to is standing up and asserting its needs?

It's just the way she said she does so much more for me than I do for her. I always feel like I am too much, like I need too much. Her words are really getting to me.
 
Oh that's sweet @sun seeker . Thank you. Home it's happened for a long time, understand well the need to isolate, atm it's an abusive (huge understatement) person at work. Of which however should be (hopefully) resolved, though she will continue to slander me I know. Most people would have a party to get away from her & call it for what it/ her behaviour is; me, I feel badly. :(

Yes, definitely the doormat part comes in. But our response to the words, the 'carving out' or guilt +/or shame & triggering in response comes from inside of us. Most people I think, are not as accustomed as we are to feeling we do not have the right to our existence, or we are 'too much' (work, etc.).

:hug: :hug: Xox.
 
But our response to the words, the 'carving out' or guilt +/or shame & triggering in response comes from inside of us. Most people I think, are not as accustomed as we are to feeling we do not have the right to our existence, or we are 'too much' (work, etc.).
That's a good point there. My therapist has pointed out to me that people are in responsible for what they take in of other people's behaviour.

She mirrors some of my own issues, self worth among them, which is really why I have a hard time living with her. What I haven't dealt with in myself is right in my face.

So it's quite possible that her saying she needs there to be a balance isn't intended to put me over the edge like it is, but that she is feeling so worthless herself that she has to project it onto me. I just have to figure out how not to take it on.
 
@sun seeker - I'm so sorry you are going through this. Surviving a past trauma or even a current crisis does not excuse her behavior. It is very self absorbed and unfair to you.
I said goodbye before it escalated any further. Waited a few days for her to cool off, then sent her an e-mail saying this crossed the line and it was time for her to find another place to stay. Explained why.
Well done. You tried to talk to her about it on the phone, you hung up when she was out of line (which is a boundary in and of itself), you gave her time to cool off, and then you communicated the best way you could to set limits to protect yourself from further invasion. Excellent boundaries! I would have found this very hard to do myself with a close friend I had let stay over.
I got an e-mail back last night that has me not only fuming, but falling down the rabbit hole of self loathing. Still no recognition of why I needed to set this limit, and justifying why she said I should think of her "for a change." She wanted me to empathize, recognize how triggered she was, and that she doesn't mind supporting me but needs there to be a balance.
This strikes me as emotionally manipulative. You set a clear boundary about not being able to provide her free housing. She responds with saying she doesn't mind supporting you? That's almost crazy making... It makes sense you feel so crappy right now. :( Real balance would be for her to take FULL responsibility for her behavior, and express gratitude for the amazing and compassionate friend you are, and all that you have done for her.

The fact that she lashed out back at you is not a sign that you failed, but that you are actually making real and solid changes. When people first begin to set boundaries and start really owning a more positive self image, some people who have been around for awhile will push back and get mad. The old you was working for them. The really good people will stick around through the changes and support you through them. She can't be that person for you right now, because of her own issues and stuff. This is not because YOU are bad, even though she is trying to put her badness on you. Try to reject that too.

I know you feel like crap right now, but I don't see her reaction as a sign of anything other than her own issues and how much you really are actually making real changes and real progress.

It's a really common thing that when a friend comes to "stay for a few days" when they don't have any other place to stay nearby, they tend to take over until eventually goodwill is exhausted and they are sent packing and they rail at the person who isn't able to keep providing free housing anymore. This isn't because you are bad or failed. You finally did set the boundaries you needed and she's upset because you are actually making real changes. You may feel like crap right now, and it makes sense why. You want your friend to treat you with respect and instead she has been a bit of a jerk. But it doesn't mean you are undeserving of kindness It means you are making real changes to open up your life to more kindness, and saying no to what doesn't work for you. You have a lot of reasons to be proud.
 
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So it's quite possible that her saying she needs there to be a balance isn't intended to put me over the edge like it is, but that she is feeling so worthless herself that she has to project it onto me. I just have to figure out how not to take it on.

Yes. But I believe you feel worse, JMHO, in that feeling worthless is not so related to anger (we would have to feel we deserve something to be angry, as she is. More so feeling no worth makes you feel guilt/ worthless/ you've done something wrong- your feelings. Not so.)

:hug:
 
I'm trying not to feel badly. It's just that her words strike a sensitive place in me because I have so often been "too much" for a lot of people, and I was just recently starting to get to the place where I was both starting to set boundaries and to feel that perhaps I'm not really too much... with a lot of help from my therapist. Then this happened. It feels like as soon as I start to trust that things are getting better, wham... life throws me a curve ball. This happened a couple times this past week. It's enough to make a person hypervigilant. ;)
 
Friends should care about each other's needs, not at the expense of each other.

Your T has a different opinion, obviously it's founded on some other facts than you feel or she's inferring. I think your T is correct. :hug:
 
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