sun seeker
MyPTSD Pro
This is going to take a little explaining. I'm in a situation that is leading me down the very familiar path of self loathing and feeling like I'm too damaged to be a part of normal society, that no one wants me, that it isn't okay to ask for help, that I inevitably need too much and drive people away. Please help me. I don't want to go there. I was doing pretty well at getting out, but there's this incident that has set me tumbling back in.
I have a friend I've known for decades. She also has a history of trauma, but I would not say she has PTSD. My symptoms are more extreme. We've been friends and supported each other through a lot. Been in a lot of groups and activities together, been there for each other through crises, called each other when we needed support. I wouldn't say one or the other of us has been there more for the other. But somehow it seems like she thinks so.
I had a complete breakdown several months ago, which I am pulling out of with a lot of work and the help of an excellent therapist. This friend supported me through the worst of the breakdown, which included staying with me for four days. I am grateful for that because otherwise I would have ended up in the hospital. But after that, she needed to go live her own life, which is understandable. I carried on by myself at home, even though I was still deep in crisis mode. But I managed.
Then several months ago, she got a job near where I live. The commute is hard in winter, but not impossible. She asked if she could stay with me "a few nights a week." Very quickly that turned into all except the weekends, and I was never asked if this was okay. Bit by bit I felt like my home was being taken over as she would just assume she could use my things, make messes I had to clean up, not do any house work beyond washing a few dishes. My frustration and resentment grew. I was friendly, but grew more distant.
During some of this time I was going through some bad PTSD symptoms, and I knew she couldn't handle the intensity, so I spent lots of time hiding in my room while she was here. She probably thinks of the times she was supportive, but the truth is she triggered me a lot more than she helped. I felt like it wasn't my home anymore. My stomach started tying itself in knots when she was here. My already existing digestive issues got a lot worse and I was down to only a few things I could eat.
Last week, several things came together in her life and she was in a crisis of her own. She called me saying she was sick, but was coming in anyway the next day. Now, she knows one of my boundaries is I can't have people here with communicable illnesses, because I work with the elderly. Besides that, it is a huge trigger for me. She knows this, I've said it before many many times and she knows the trauma it comes from and that it is not something I can just shrug off. Her being here with a cold would have meant me being frozen in my room in terror the whole time she was here.
I kindly, compassionately, said I knew this was the last thing she wanted to hear, but no, that didn't work for me.
All hell broke loose. She swore (not calling me names directly, but the tone was scary) and demanded why I couldn't think of her "for a change."
She's been living here rent free, taking over my house, for months, and wants me to think of her for a change.
I said goodbye before it escalated any further. Waited a few days for her to cool off, then sent her an e-mail saying this crossed the line and it was time for her to find another place to stay. Explained why.
I got an e-mail back last night that has me not only fuming, but falling down the rabbit hole of self loathing. Still no recognition of why I needed to set this limit, and justifying why she said I should think of her "for a change." She wanted me to empathize, recognize how triggered she was, and that she doesn't mind supporting me but needs there to be a balance.
Huh??? I kind of thought letting her take over my house and not pay any rent, and spending days at a time hiding in my room instead of stating my needs was rather over-balanced in her favour.
I am feeling now, again, back where I was before all the hard work I've done in therapy on self esteem, setting boundaries, knowing that I am worthy and that it is good to ask for help. Now I feel like I am worthless, like I shouldn't tell anyone how much I am struggling, that I will always be too much for people and should just keep my problems to myself. I feel so deeply betrayed by this. I feel like I let myself be used as a doormat only to find that I'm being treated like one. I don't want to leave the house and let anyone see me. I feel like the worthless piece of shit I already thought I was before working so hard to feel like I wasn't. Like I don't deserve any support, like I am a hopeless case that people only spend time with out of kindness.
Is that how I should be feeling? I don't even know anymore.
I have a friend I've known for decades. She also has a history of trauma, but I would not say she has PTSD. My symptoms are more extreme. We've been friends and supported each other through a lot. Been in a lot of groups and activities together, been there for each other through crises, called each other when we needed support. I wouldn't say one or the other of us has been there more for the other. But somehow it seems like she thinks so.
I had a complete breakdown several months ago, which I am pulling out of with a lot of work and the help of an excellent therapist. This friend supported me through the worst of the breakdown, which included staying with me for four days. I am grateful for that because otherwise I would have ended up in the hospital. But after that, she needed to go live her own life, which is understandable. I carried on by myself at home, even though I was still deep in crisis mode. But I managed.
Then several months ago, she got a job near where I live. The commute is hard in winter, but not impossible. She asked if she could stay with me "a few nights a week." Very quickly that turned into all except the weekends, and I was never asked if this was okay. Bit by bit I felt like my home was being taken over as she would just assume she could use my things, make messes I had to clean up, not do any house work beyond washing a few dishes. My frustration and resentment grew. I was friendly, but grew more distant.
During some of this time I was going through some bad PTSD symptoms, and I knew she couldn't handle the intensity, so I spent lots of time hiding in my room while she was here. She probably thinks of the times she was supportive, but the truth is she triggered me a lot more than she helped. I felt like it wasn't my home anymore. My stomach started tying itself in knots when she was here. My already existing digestive issues got a lot worse and I was down to only a few things I could eat.
Last week, several things came together in her life and she was in a crisis of her own. She called me saying she was sick, but was coming in anyway the next day. Now, she knows one of my boundaries is I can't have people here with communicable illnesses, because I work with the elderly. Besides that, it is a huge trigger for me. She knows this, I've said it before many many times and she knows the trauma it comes from and that it is not something I can just shrug off. Her being here with a cold would have meant me being frozen in my room in terror the whole time she was here.
I kindly, compassionately, said I knew this was the last thing she wanted to hear, but no, that didn't work for me.
All hell broke loose. She swore (not calling me names directly, but the tone was scary) and demanded why I couldn't think of her "for a change."
She's been living here rent free, taking over my house, for months, and wants me to think of her for a change.
I said goodbye before it escalated any further. Waited a few days for her to cool off, then sent her an e-mail saying this crossed the line and it was time for her to find another place to stay. Explained why.
I got an e-mail back last night that has me not only fuming, but falling down the rabbit hole of self loathing. Still no recognition of why I needed to set this limit, and justifying why she said I should think of her "for a change." She wanted me to empathize, recognize how triggered she was, and that she doesn't mind supporting me but needs there to be a balance.
Huh??? I kind of thought letting her take over my house and not pay any rent, and spending days at a time hiding in my room instead of stating my needs was rather over-balanced in her favour.
I am feeling now, again, back where I was before all the hard work I've done in therapy on self esteem, setting boundaries, knowing that I am worthy and that it is good to ask for help. Now I feel like I am worthless, like I shouldn't tell anyone how much I am struggling, that I will always be too much for people and should just keep my problems to myself. I feel so deeply betrayed by this. I feel like I let myself be used as a doormat only to find that I'm being treated like one. I don't want to leave the house and let anyone see me. I feel like the worthless piece of shit I already thought I was before working so hard to feel like I wasn't. Like I don't deserve any support, like I am a hopeless case that people only spend time with out of kindness.
Is that how I should be feeling? I don't even know anymore.
Last edited: