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Help Me to Understand This One - Husband Wants Divorce

Discussion in 'Supporter General Discussion' started by dazednconfused, Nov 12, 2006.

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  1. dazednconfused

    dazednconfused Active Member

    My husband now says that he has to divorce me. He says that he has so many problems and until he gets divorced from me and that I make him crazy and he cannot be sane I guess until he divorces me. He still goes off on the weekend and says he stays in a motel/hotel by himself. I just find this so hard to believe. Why would him divorcing me have anything to do with whatever is wrong with him. He says he will not be at any place that I am at, including my son's basketball games. He has to totally wipe me out of his life the way he talks and with a child, I do not see how that is possible.

    He will be talking to me so nice and then boom right in the middle of the conversation will start being hateful and mean and talking about divorce, etc.. It is like he is 2-3 different people and it is not just with me either, it is with other people, because they have asked me what is the matter with him.

    My little boy even asks me why his daddy is acting "crazy". I just don't know what to do anymore.

    Any ideas as to why he feels so strongly that he just "has" to divorce me? I asked him if there is someone else and he said "someone else, I have so many problems and I have to get rid of you before I can handle those" or something to that effect. I just don't see how getting a divorce is going to solve anything.

    If it would help him get well or he really did not love me I thought, I would just let him go, but I believe deep down he does love me as just 6 months ago before he took the Lexapro he told me that he loved me and whatever it took for our marriage to work he would do. It just does not make sense to me.

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  3. Jen

    Jen Well-Known Member

    Hi Dazed
    Sorry to hear you are having a rough time its not fair. Obviously his head is not in a good place at the moment. Is he seeing a Pysch? Especially if he is acting differently around other people that makes it hard on you. Thought are with you:hello:
  4. dazednconfused

    dazednconfused Active Member


    Yes, he is seeing a psych. I don't think it is helping though. I am so worried about him, but so far they told me the only thing I can do is to go to probate and have him declared mentally incompetant. I don't want to do that, as I really don't know what is going on with his care. I hope to be able to get some insight soon.

    I love him a lot, but this is realy wearing me down. I would just like to know if he is really seeing someone else and is just trying to cover it up, he is really mental ill or just the devil done got a hold of him or something.

    I guess time will tell. It helps to be able to vent on here.
  5. Kerrie-Ann

    Kerrie-Ann Well-Known Member


    Anthony's input would be more helpful here than mine. I will mention your post to him. He was also on Lexapro so he will be able to give you better insight into what that medication can do to someone. It sounds to me like it is messing with your husbands chemistry in a bad way but I will let Anthony address that for you.

    As for you and your little one. I feel for you. Its extra hard when you have children, they tell you they want to leave and you can't figure out why? Anthony was considering that towards the end of last year and it broke my heart. We had been working on things, doing a PTSD course and things had been the best they had been before he went OS again. Our bubby was about 9 months old at the time and he just adored his father. Its hard to explain it to little one in any way that they can understand but since yours has asked, I would make an attempt at.

    Keep posting here and take care of you and your boy. My thoughts are with you.
  6. anthony

    anthony Master of none!

    I don't think it has a great deal to do with the medication actually, it is more simply his PTSD at its worst. I know this, because I went through the same thing, but unbeknownst too me that I had it at the time. I didn't know why, all I knew is that I had to escape and find myself. I needed divorce to do that. Why? Really it was for me to simply close any lose ends and allow myself to be free to find myself. Will he come back? I don't honestly know. I would prepare for not returning, as hard as that is, but that is what I see happening.

    It will take him years to work himself out. Years you can wait for him still if you want, or you can heal yourself and move on in your, and your sons life. I would suggest, prepare yourself that he is not coming back, and if he does, its just a bonus. PTSD is not a nice thing if severe enough, let alone any amount of it really, but I know and understand severity, lived it and recovering from it. He won't honestly know whether he is coming or going. His internals will be pulling him apart, living on the spur of the moment with little regard for himself. This is going to take him a long time to come to terms with, and some never do and remain on this destructive path til death. I would brace for impact to be honest, start the ball rolling on child support, hit him for some of the pain he is causing you, and if you want to leave the door open for him to return if he feels that way when he finds himself, that is only a decision you can make.
  7. Andrea42

    Andrea42 Active Member

    Can it be that with all the problems he is having he just wants out already? Maybe he does not want to take you under with him? I am not going to blame this one completely and only on PTSD because i dont see anywhere that PTSD makes you stop loving your spouse and makes you want to leave them...
    For anybody that has PTSD. Her husband is going away on weekends...staying the night in hotels...he has even changed his cellphone number so she cannot reach him!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dazed, you need to get to the bottom of this! Is he cheating? he might be.
    My situation is when my husband was noticing his PTSD and didnt know how to deal with it he went to another woman for comfort because he says i couldnt be there for it lead him to someone else.... whether its PTSD or not, i think its a bunch of excuses aka crap! and he needs to be honest with you...
    He has told you he doesnt love you and that he wants a divoce... he is not thinking of his child. He owes you an explanation.
    I dont mean to sound aggressive, but i have been so patient for so long and i wait and wait for my husband to get better....i wait as he does what he needs to do whether its not working and spending all the alone time in the world but there comes a point where you dont feel needed dont see the point of a marriage anymore and it shouldnt be that way.
    I always tell my husband that when/if the time comes that he does not want me anymore...he better be a man and tell me to my face that he no longer wants anything with me for good and then i will leave.
    anthony likes this.
  8. anthony

    anthony Master of none!

    I think that is pretty solid advice Andrea... well said.
  9. Jaynea

    Jaynea Member

    Hi It's been awhile since I posted...things were good annd Yeah it's over...only it's not. Anyway, I looked in this AM and read the post from Dazednconfused...and I felt like giving her a huge hug. You sound in such pain. I happen to agree with Andrea42..Start saving yourself and your child.Sometimes there is nothing you can do anymore. How much of your life do you owe to someone else? And just think the holidays are almost here anyone married to PTSD knows that's a whole other challenge. Be strong and examine your own might look back someday and wonder why it took so long for you to get out. Good luck
  10. dazednconfused

    dazednconfused Active Member


    Thanks for all your posts. It really helps to have someone to talk to.

    I guess the hardest part other than missing my husband is that my whole life I have had someone hollering at me and telling me how stupid I was and a host of other cuss words strung in there and even when I met my husband, although he never cussed me, told me how stupid I was and I could never please him either. My daddy drank the whole time I was a child and it was always chaos as far as I can remember. Then I met my husband and thought things would be different because he did not drink. Things were fine for awhile, but then he would get so angry at me for any little thing. I could never please him either. I never noticed that it was abnormal I guess, because it "was not as bad as living with an alcoholic". Now that I am away from the hollering and it is just me and my little boy, it is so quiet and "normal". I have never had "normal" and it scares me I guess. I don't know how to feel or act. I have never had that. I feel guilty for liking the quiet. I feel like that maybe there is something wrong with me.

    It still just seems like a nightmare to me though. I just feel so awful and his family is blaming me, because he is on the medicine. They even said it out lout at Church the other night, something like, He only spanked our child and that I made him leave and then I made him go to the psychologist and they put him on the medicine and it just "wiped his mind out" and that is why he is acting this way. He really hurt my child or I would never have left that night. I was abused when I was a child and I would never let my child go through what I did. I feel horrible enough already for him having bruises on him like that without the family making light of it and saying that I "over-reacted". Of course since all this started, I have found out that my husband indeed was abused, they just don't see blooding his nose or slapping him or calling him stupid Abuse. I thought the whole time that he was just making those things up, but it really happened and I feel horrible and like I let him down for not believing him.

    I know I did the right thing making my husband get treatment for his anger, etc.. Even if he does divorce me, I would not do things any differently I don't think. My child comes first. He is so precious to me. We tried for 7 years to conceive and he is such a miracle child and now my husband says he never even wanted children. Oh he says he loves him now that he is "here", but he really did not want children. I don't know where this is coming from. We went through all those fertility tests and all that stuff and if he did not want a child, why could he not just say that. Now my child is suffering, because he wants hardly anything to do with him at all and my little boy just keeps saying "there is something wrong with my daddy, My daddy would not do this to you and me mama. My daddy loves us". It breaks my heart. I love that little guy so much and wish I could shelter him from all this, but I can't.

    Thanks so much for listening.

    Hope you all have a blessed day.

  11. Andrea42

    Andrea42 Active Member

    You are in denial and i am sorry... I understand where you are coming from. I didnt have the best life growing up either...yet when i met my husband i thought right then and there that my life would be perfect! Now i see that not even the person you love with all your heart can always help certain situations or the way they feel and let me remind you in case you forgot that its not your fault. Your child is a miracle so since his father cannot be there for him at the moment you must be there and you must be strong and do what is right. It is hard :( but its reality and i know we sometimes dont want to face it (i still feel i am in denial sometimes) but its for the best if you do... Remember people dont know what they really have until its gone so maybe he will see that you are taking charge and taking care of things and your child and he might want to join in on the journey. It gets the point where we sometimes want to run away from it all and viseversa but dont give have not lost everything. you still have your baby... do all you can for him in the meantime, sounds like he needs it and hopefully daddy will wake up and see whats hes doing.

    Thanks, i hate to be brutally honest, but thats how it really is....i just dont see that people talk about it much. But it gets ugly :( and we have to face it some time or another.... i would know.....
  12. anthony

    anthony Master of none!

    Andrea, I love brutally honest, most likely why I connected with your post here. Relationships can be hard at the best of times with societies pressures nowadays, let alone with illness involved. Some work, some don't... I am as guilty as sin for this myself, when I went of the rails. Left my wife in the dark, didn't see it coming, nor did I really. I basically just decided that I had had enough and told her, then left. Why? Well, I didn't know I had PTSD then, but I can certainly understand it a whole lot better now.

    I had so much going on inside me, I simply could not handle the pressures of a relationship, regardless of marriage, I know now I could not handle it at that time. I turned into an alcoholic for a good six months after that, and only decreased that consumption by half, which would probably still make me an alcoholic for the years after that even, but I could atleast function better after the first six months. I had so much pain inside me from overseas, that I simply did not know what to do with it, where to direct it or anything really in regard to it. All I knew is that I had to escape life for a while, try and hide some of the pain and rid it so I could function again.

    If I knew then what I know now... well, things might have been different, but then without walking the path, I also wouldn't off had the experience to believe it if someone told me at that time in my life with PTSD controlling me. Yes, I still feel Guilt to this day about my actions, but I also know that I didn't want to continue to be married to her for some other reasons, though my PTSD certainly did control most of my life back then.
  13. dazednconfused

    dazednconfused Active Member

    Well guys, now, my husband tells me that if I contest the divorce that he will say that I spousally abused him and if that does not work, he will just give up all rights to his child and walk away for good.

    He also told me now, that he has medical problems (chemical) is what he says. I have no idea what is wrong with him regarding that.

    He just keeps saying that my son and I will be better off without him. He told me that I cannot tell him I love him and I cannot talk to him at all except through letters and then I can only talk in a "business-like" manner.

    His family is still blaming me and one of them told me that at least I would have my son, my husband will have "nobody". What a load of crap. He does not have to have "nobody". He has a wife that 3-4 months ago, he adored and told he loved everyday, along with a son he said he loved and adored.

    I told him I would contest the divorce, as I don't think he is really in any state to make a decision like that, that affects all three of our lives and also, he wants to walk away and only pay child support and none of our "bills". I have been married for a long time to this man and love him unconditionally and it is not going to be that easy for him to just "walk away".

    Besides that, we will be connected for a long time because of our son and about the only way he cannot ever "see my face" or "hear my voice" again is when I am cold and in the grave, so don't really know how he plans on handling this, but I love him and plan on trying to be there for him either which way this goes, but I am not in the mood for a quicky divorce and will not be told "this is the way it is going to be". You will do as I say or else. That just does not work anymore on me. I have been put through too much crap already and as I think he is "sick", until I know for sure that he does not really love me anymore, I will not give in.

    He does not say he does not love me anymore. He just says that I am so beautiful and it is not anything I have done, it is him and he just does not want to hurt us, etc... etc... cry me a handful. Why is it always all about him? What he wants? What about what I want? I want a husband that will be there for me. I want a husband that will be there for my child.

    I may be in denial like andrea said earlier. I just do not understand this mess and it seems, I may never understand it fully.

    I am not saying that I am perfect or anything, but with him telling me how wonderful I am, why does he want to just leave and go become a hermit?

    Anthony, I know has said he just wanted to get away, but he was in the War or something I think and that had to be horrible. I know my husband may have had some trauma as a child, but can he not just get over it? I have had to "get over it" and my childhood was I think much more traumatic. There comes a time I think when you have to quit feeling sorry for yourself and pick yourself up and go on. I am having to do that now with all this and seems like he should try to, also.
  14. Tammy

    Tammy Active Member

    Dear Dazed,
    I read your post and my heart goes out to you one hundred per cent. I wish I could make your husband wake up to himself and be there for you and especially your son. What you need to remember is that him hitting your child is not right, for any one no matter the mental turmoil they are going through! You did the right thing by leaving when that happened; and I for one am roud of you for doing that! :kiss:

    And as for his family, if I were you I would tell them exactly where to go; but I would probably regret it later on. I feel that you are very strong for just listening to their rubbish and I understand that it is very hard to do.

    It annoyed me when you wrote that he says he never wanted children. My ex (who didn't have PTSD) said the exact same thing, only he requested DNA as well. I think it is a cop out for men to say that at all. Unless the women tampered with the condom, then that man is responsible for his child/ren. I understand how hard it must be for you to listen to that; especially after so many years of trying to conceive, and finally receiving your little miracle.

    As for divorce; I personally wouldn't sign the papers until he knows what he wants and you are one hundred sure that he wants it. There is no need to sign them if in a coupe of months time he is going to come crawling back. But I have to agree with the others and say, MOVE ON as best you can. I know it'll be hard to find your feet again. But your son needs to see you managing things effectively. Take charge of your life like I believe you wanted to when he was there (my personal experience again). I would call the Child Support Agecy though, there is no need for you to face the financial burden of raising a child by yourself on top of everything else.

    Stay safe and my thoughts are with both you and your son. I hope things work out sooner rather than later.
  15. Tammy

    Tammy Active Member

    Hello again,
    sorry I didn't see this page earlier!

    I was a law student and I researched what you said about your husband claiming spousal abuse... From what I have read, for him to do that there needs to be police and medical evidence of the abuse; if not, then there needs to be witnesses to it. You don't seem to be the type of woman to bash her husband (because if you were I am sure he would be pretty sore about now). I hope that helps a little bit. And I still say I would contest the divorce and fight to the bitter end with him over it!
  16. dazednconfused

    dazednconfused Active Member


    No, he does not say I physically abused him, he said mental spousal abuse or something to that effect. If anybody had abuse, it was me and my child over the past few years and I am not going to take this.

    I am going to be there for my husband and let him know that I am there, but I am going to have to go on with my life and take care of my child. Hopefully my husband will come back to himself and be the responsible person he used to be, but right now with him going through so much and having so much "stress" and "Anxiety", medical problems, problems with college and financial problems he has had, I think it has just overwhelmed him and I don't think he is thinking straight. I think once they get him on the "correct meds" and he has time to heal, he will come around.

    I know that happened with our child and he feels so "horrible" about it and he told me that he just does not want to hurt me or my child and so he is basically just wanting to divorce me and set me free he says. He says this is all for me and my child that he is doing this and I guess he just wants me to let him go, but I don't think he is thinking straight, he has really no where to live besides with his parents and he won't even stay with them on the weekend and "disappears" and will have no contact with anyone. He is even not going to spend Thanksgiving with anyone and told me I was not even allowed to get him a Christmas present or see him or anything through the holidays. How crappy is that.

    Oh well, the nightmare continues. I will just do the best I can. Thanks for the hugs n kisses.

    Love all ya'll out there. I am a tough person and I am not a husband basher. I am more of a "lover" than a fighter really and hope we can work this out.

    God bless!
  17. Andrea42

    Andrea42 Active Member

    Just do what you have to do.... take care of your child and take care of you. I feel your husband will come around as soon as you back off so give him the space (that he appearantly needs). I am glad you are not giving up and giving him a quick divorce (things gets so hectic and blown out of proportion with PTSD) He is going through something horrible at the moment so just let it sink in and be there for him when he is ready...thats pretty much all you can do...
    Dont know if i missed it, but is he getting help? on meds?? i hope he is trying to help himself and not just giving up
    Firefighter Wife likes this.
  18. dazednconfused

    dazednconfused Active Member

    My husband is on meds and is seeing a medical doctor and a psychiatric physician. He is on Lexapro, but he did not start acting like this until they put him on the Lexapro as far as pushing us away. He said he could see "clearly" for the first time in his life. Oh well. I am just going to give him his "space" and pray for him as I love him so much and hope he will come back and be my sweetie again, only feeling better and not so angry all the time. I know he may have other episodes it seems, but at least if he were here with me, maybe it would be easier....:smile:
  19. Andrea42

    Andrea42 Active Member

    Dazed!!!!! i hope you are around and read this soon because Lexapro might be the problem!!!!!! OMG!! how i hate it! My experience with that med was so stressful and i was to the point where i wanted to walk out on my hubby.... When he started taking it he turned into a monster!! literally!! He was moody at all times, he would snap for no reason, yell, scream, throw things around and even stay in bed some days and not get up at all! He would say the most hateful, and hurtful things to me as well :( Dazed, you might want to talk to your hubby about the meds he is on....It took me a while to prove to my hubby that Lexapro had changed him for the worse (it was obvious to me because i have been on Depression meds and know what to expect) but eventually he listened to me and noticed that he was different and as soon as he talked to his doc, she took him off of it.... He is now taking something different and he is doing much better and is even less hateful. I would look into it.
  20. dazednconfused

    dazednconfused Active Member


    Well, I have tried to talk to my husband, but he will not listen and short of having him commited, there is nothing that I can do. His doctor evidently thinks the medicine is working fine. I have sent her letter after letter along with the medical doctor. My husband thinks the med is doing him so much good and will not come off of it. I don't know what to do. I think if he came off of it he would be fine, but nobody will listen to me. I am just really worried about him.

    If your husband would not have come off of it, what would you have done? I don't want to have him committed or anything, but here where we live, that is about all I could do to try to get him off of it.

    If am just afraid he might commit Suicide though, because he keeps isolating himself from others. I know Anthony on the forum said he was on Lexapro, but that he did not think it was the drug that would make my husband act this way. I just really do not know what to do. I just cry and pray and hope that he will see that it is not good for him.

    Thanks for your comments.
  21. anthony

    anthony Master of none!

    Dazed, DO NOT listen to his threats, regardless whether he is serious or not. He is attempting the typical male dominance acts, in a hope in manipulating you into the position he is comfortable and in control off, otherwise if he doesn't have that control, he said it too you already, in that he will wash his hands with you all and have nothing to say. Don't worry, it is PTSD at its best. Sure, he most likely will initially, but it won't take long for him to come around and see the light, especially if he loves his kids.
  22. Andrea42

    Andrea42 Active Member

    Well said Anthony!! I believe that as well dazed... Its the PTSD at its best, i have been there :(
  23. Terry

    Terry Well-Known Member

    After being married for 8 years I walked out on my first wife and 2 kids (I'm so ashamed now. Wasn't on any meds at that point but then nothing seemed to make sense and the only time I felt like I belonged anywhere was when I was at work (in the squad car). Soon after I left my first wife I had my first fullblown flashback. After a couple of weeks I was in therapy and on so many meds that I could do nothing but sleep. Which is probably a good thing at that point. I remarried and in the summer of 2005 left my second wife. I don't remember much about the first time but do with the second. After I left my second wife I was confused and did alot of stupid stuff. Down deep I missed my wife very much but macho took over and I was not true to my feelings. After almost 1 year I was a mess. I couldn't leave my apt. took all my weapons apart and put them in my locker at work, was relieved over duty after going off on a LT. and precinct commander. I had treatened other officers. I was as low as I've ever been. My wife came to Memphis to check on me and I broke down. I knew as soon as I saw her I couldn't/wouldn't live without her. I needed her to be whole. I don't mean to give any advise as I can't. Everyone and every situation is different. This is what we lived through. These are the worst things I've ever done. PTSD did have alot to do with it but in the long run I"M THE ONE RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT HAPPENED. I wish you the best of luck and hope things work out for the better. Remember to remind your child that he had nothing to do with his father leaving. Remind him as much as possible.
  24. tig

    tig Active Member

    Dear Dazed,
    Brace yourself: I'm going to be very straight with you. Have you ever thought of the possibility that he's trying to run away from himself as much as everyone else? Inside his head is a very messed up place right now-- obviously, because he's not thinking straight. He sounds so conflicted, & like Anthony said, he's being self destructive (but doesn't recognize it) in his attempts to distance himself from you. As much as you want to, you cannot save him from himself. Perhaps a separation is the best compromise for both of you. Give him the "space" he truly needs, while you focus on taking care of your son & yourself. You may benefit from some counseling because you've got so much going on. As a condition of the separation (of indeterminate time) that you offer to him, ask him to sign the appropriate papers (that you have an atty draw up beforehand) re: child support & payment of joint bills, etc. (My Dad's an atty & this is his recommendation.) Your husband may then have some of the extra stress taken off of his mind (you know stress only makes PTSD worse). Give him the alone time to do what he needs to do. (Just my experience, but dropping out of sight on the weekends sounds like he's hiding-- from everything. Been there, done that.) He may have to hit bottom (alone) before he begins to climb back up to "life" again.
    And about his parents-- he's their son, who do you think they're going to try to blame? Not him, and certainly not them. It hurts to hear what they're saying, I know. (been there, too) Don't talk to them.
    I know I sound really mean & uncaring; but I've been down this path. It sounds so familiar it's freaky. I'm telling you this because I DO care. Tell yourself every chance you have: NONE of this is your fault! But don't let your love for him cloud what you need to do for yourself & your child. If you love him, it may be best to let go for a little while. Remove the stress from the situation-- the fighting re: the divorce, your child, etc. In the end, it may not be the worst-case scenario that you now fear. You're strong-- You can make it thru this. Don't push so hard. You'll drive yourself crazy.
    Also refer to what Terry said: it's important.
    I will be thinking of you. I wish you the best.
    Firefighter Wife likes this.
  25. hannah

    hannah Active Member

    Hi new to this site and what gem it has turned out to be for me finding others suffering the same kind of hell inflicted on their families. I am at the end of my tether also. Married to a kind and gentle loving husband and father I am now helpless to see he has turned into a shell devoid of all compassion and feling of the mayhem hes causing only says he has Broken Glass in his head and needs another selfish time in his life to sort his head out! He has been a serving soldier for 22 years a stint in the police force and
    wiped out his strenghth in Iraq god knows what our family will do - he wont talk or accept help he has hidden himself in a hotel and wont tell us where he is. I have researched PTSD in depth over the web spending hours taking it in and am convinced he is suffering but dont know where to begin to try to understand if he wont talk to me - any ideas accepted gratefully
  26. Terry

    Terry Well-Known Member

    If any of you are confused as to the above 2 posts...... Tig is my loving wife.
    Didn't realize she had joined untill now. Welcome aboard Kim.
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