Peer support subsequent to trauma contributes to full recovery

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) -- including complex trauma (cPTSD) -- is debilitating, breaking down the body through anxiety and stress, and it poses a significant suicide risk in sufferers. MyPTSD seeks to help and inform those who are directly or indirectly affected by these conditions through peer-to-peer support and educational resources.

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Help My Husband Has PTSD

Discussion in 'Supporter General Discussion' started by AuliiHoku, May 13, 2008.

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  1. AuliiHoku

    AuliiHoku New Member

    I have read so much on this website over the past few days and hope it can help me with what's going on in my life. I almost feel like some of the stuff I read I have wrote myself because it's exactly what's going on.

    To keep it short for now. I just found out in March that my husband has PTSD, we are already not living together because of him needing space, and already he feels like he doesn't love me anymore and wants to give up and get a divorce. This has all been so devastating for me because I love him with all my heart and just want to help. I need someone to talk to about this and was hoping to chat with some people. If anyone could give me some hope that would be awesome!

    I hope to talk to someone soon!
    Thank you for listening & thank you for everyone who writes messages they do help me!
    AuliiHoku :dontknow:
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  3. Nicolette

    Nicolette ♡ Supporter Admin ♡
    Supporter Admin

    Welcome to the forum AuliiHoku.

    There are people here whom you can talk to about your situation. I look forward to chatting to you a little later on when I have a bit more free time.

    Take your time and read as there is a lot of information to be found. I'm sure it won't be long until others write in your thread.
  4. AuliiHoku

    AuliiHoku New Member

    Thank You

    Thank you Nicolette for getting back to me. :Hug_emoticon:I look forward to chatting with anyone that can help! Have a great day and I hope to talk to more people soon. I am feeling very emotionally tired and feel like I can't do anything but get a divorce, but that is the last thing I want to do and feel like I would be giving up on him.

    *Is there an online chat where you can chat live on here?

    Hope to talk to you soon.
  5. AuliiHoku

    AuliiHoku New Member

    Hello Again-
    I've been having a really hard time for a while now. I just can't stop thinking about what's happening. I miss my husband so much. I go back and forth with am I supposed to support him even though he has shut me out almost completely or do I give up and move on? So many people seem to say I should move on, that I deserve better, there are a few though that say don't give up. I feel like I am going crazy and am not sure what to do. I just want the man I love back in my life, any one have any advice? I'm struggling emotionally! He is struggling more, but I need him! :wall:
  6. sisu

    sisu Well-Known Member

    Hello Aluiihoku,
    I do not have a husband with ptsd, but I had a very serious boyfriend with ptsd. I know what you are feeling. When I am involved in a relationship, I am 100% there and fully on. I don't easily give up on people and I usually see only the good in people. This can be a good thing and a bad thing. I have had a VERY HARD time moving on from this relationship. I have even been through a divorce and it was easier for me to walk away from that.

    I keep trying to figure out why I feel this way. Is this really the man I am supposed to be with? Where does the ptsd stop and the man start? Why can't I walk away from this. I know that most of his actions are ptsd related and I think that in my mine I am giving him a huge break for that. Most of the stuff he has said or done to me I would not have normally tolerated.

    I am probably making you more confused. I guess take this time to take care of yourself. Work out, find a hobby, hang out with your girlfriends, etc. So if/when he does come back and is ready to work things are feeling like the best person you can be.

    Take care of yourself.
    Ace Ventura likes this.
  7. AuliiHoku

    AuliiHoku New Member

    Hello Sisu-
    Thank you so much for writing to me. I have some of the same feelings as you
    I feel like you are talking for me!! This is exactly how I feel, but I LOVE HIM. I am torn at the moment of what to do. I have not talked to him since Thursday night (this is the most we have probably ever stopped talking) and it is SO hard~ I hope things will eventually come around soon, I'm not sure what I am going to do otherwise. I just don't want to give up yet. I am trying to do all that I can to put my mind off of it, I still find myself thinking about it constently (what is he doing, where is he, is he ok, does he know that I love him and want to be with him, will he come back to me, does he miss me??) It goes on and on!

    Thanks again for writing, I hope we can keep in touch. How are you doing right now with everything? This is so tough, I wish no one ever had to go through this!! I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I almost want to be one of those people that goes around and talks about trauma so that I can prevent this from happening to someone else in the future. Love to me is the best thing and without it I am lost. I just want it back! I Love "My Mister" as I call him :wink:
  8. lostsugar

    lostsugar New Member

    Auliihoku- I too feel the exact same way you do, I don't feel so alone in this. I love my husband with all my heart and soul. He just got back from Iraq mid-march, I knew he wasn't the same. I tried to act like everything was the same just long enough for him to get out of the army which wa supposed to be three weeks ago but still hasn't. I'm in one state he is in another. Last thursday he told me he didn't love me anymore, the the next day he did, and the next day he didn't. Yesterday he wrote me an e-mail saying he wanted to seperate and doesn't love me anymore, I'm so lost. I feel like I can't do or say anything right. I know deep down he does love me, I just have to keep telling myself that. He is so numb to any emotion. Now he saying he is not coming home. I just want to crawl up into a ball and sleep until this is over. But I know it will never be over it is going to be a rough road...again I'm glad I'm not alone and someone DOES understand exacly how I feel. I hope we can keep in touch.
  9. giemygirl

    giemygirl New Member

    I am sort of in the same boat. My husband and I are still living together but it is pure hell most days. I don't want to leave either because I know he is sick and essentially his actions and words are not really his. It is just so hard with him flying off the handle at every little thing and not knowing how he is going to react from one moment to the next. I am constantly walking on eggshells. Additionally, he is convinced that as soon as I finish my Master's degree in December i am going to leave him anyway (I have no plans to do that). I love him with all my heart but he is not him any more.
    I wish I could offer you some advice but I guess I am seeking some as well.
  10. Nicolette

    Nicolette ♡ Supporter Admin ♡
    Supporter Admin

    Lostsugar, I wouldn't wish this kind of emotional torture on anyone. However, I am afraid to say it is somewhat a typical response from someone who has gone to War and is exposed to terrible things. I doubt your husband is doing anything on purpose as he himself sounds terribly confused.

    For all of you enduring this situation my heart goes out to as it must be dreadful to live like that.
  11. heartbroken

    heartbroken New Member

    I doubt this is going to help at all, but don't give up. I've been told by several people on this forum that PTSD sufferers are often incapable of showing their feelings - even though he may love you very much, he may not be able to show it. My husband is the same way. Is he being treated at all? If not, I can't say enough how important it is to encourage him to get help. It may take a while (it took two years to talk my husband into it) but keep trying.
  12. AuliiHoku

    AuliiHoku New Member

    Hello to Everyone- I'm sorry that I have not wrote back for a few days, I have been quite busy with the Memorial Day holiday. I hope everyone had a great one. I really appreciate everyones comments. It helps to know that there are others that are going through the same things and we can try to help each other. I pray for all of us, and hope we can all get through this good or bad.

    Things aren't going much better for me, however I am trying to be as strong as I can. I'm not sure if there is much hope for my Husband and I, he just really wants to give up right now. I believe that he just really can't think right now and so anything he says is just upsetting. I have been torn with do I stay or do I go? Some of your comments have given me hope to hang on and to not give up. I have tried so hard already and he knows that I haven't given up, but I still lost.

    We still aren't living together (about 2 months now) and he just recently took alot of his stuff from our house. We are going to check on getting rid of our house in the best way we can and who knows what will happen after that. I will see him tomorrow night, I just want to have a fun night, but we actually have to meet with the realtor so I'm sure it will go different than expected. I hope for the best, but I'm not sure if much will change.

    I'm not sure what else to say at this point, I just wish everyone the best. I hope things will get better for me, even if we do split up (which is still the last thing I want). I just read an article tonight https//;_ylt=Ajk7H97r2KMTasrrCvnhUXwDW7oF
    Hopefully you can see it ok. It's about PTSD Effecting troops. My husband isn't in the Military, but I know some of your's are. I never heard anything about ptsd and now that I have been reading so much about it, It's just so hard. I just wish that NO ONE would ever have to go through it! I wouldn't wish it on anyone, I wish there were more I could do to help so that NO ONE EVER HAS TO LOOSE THE PERSON THEY LOVE~~

    With Love- Everyone take care, I hope to talk more soon!
    Thanks again
  13. AuliiHoku

    AuliiHoku New Member

    Hello Everyone-
    I just wanted to say thank you to anyone that has wrote back to me, I'm sorry that I have not responded sooner, but I have been so busy. I really appreciate everything and wish I had more time to write, but things aren't much better for my husband and I. I feel like he is just completely done and that's all he wants to do. I am not really ready for that yet, but don't want to hurt anymore at the same time. I still don't want to give up, and your comments have given me some hope. I have done so much all ready to show him how much he means to me, unfortunately he knows it, and he cares about me but I feel like because of what he is going through he just doesn't know how to love right now. I really liked these statements:
    Those show exactly what I have been going through. I am still torn everyday with do I give up or do I stay. Leaving is the last thing I want to do so I hope the best, but I guess only time will tell. I just want him to get better so bad and become the man that everyone has loved with all their heart since the day we met him. I wish there was never such a thing as PTSD, I NEVER WANT ANYONE TO LOOSE THE PERSON THEY LOVE WITH ALL THEIR HEART! It to me is the hardest thing EVER~

    Please take care everyone and I hope to chat more soon.
    I'm so glad I have others to talk to about this!
    Please keep in touch!
  14. DLadi

    DLadi Active Member


    I am also involved with a man who periodically pushes me away. The worst is right after he sees the therapist... he's in such pain and trying so hard to escape it that he pushes everything away except his children. In between his treatments (he's been seeing the VA Dr. for about 3 months) he's happy, fun, humorous, passionate... but it is so hard to sit back and wait for him to recover from each treatment... and the Guilt of pushing me away. I'm afraid to say anything that may trigger a flashback so we don't talk about it. I'm not sure if that is the right way to handle it but I love him too much to push the issue of communication... I mean, why cause him pain just so I understand it all better? How long before the therapist visits actually help? Will we ever know?
  15. pooky

    pooky New Member

    Its good to know Im not alone!!!

    My husband is telling me all the same things. I have felt so alone in this. God has been my stregth in this time, but I been wondering if this is really ptsd or if my husband really doesn't love me. I have been on the search for help. Military one source gives free counsling to those of us that are going though this tough time. I have only meet with my counsler one time, but I think she will be able to help me through, no matter the out come. I would recommed contacting military one source. I believe they can help us better understand what are husbands are going through. I feel all of your pain.
  16. Zaphara

    Zaphara New Member

    This sounds exactly like my husband. He keeps telling me he needs time. He can't tell me he loves me, he hasn't said it to me in months. We're now separated because neither of us could take the fighting anymore. He was always mad at me. Everything I said and did was always wrong. He would make fun of me a lot. He would just lash out at me over the stupidest things and he would even start arguments, for the sake of arguing.

    Since we've separated he is getting better about answering his phone and text messages from me. But, he has yet to actually call and text me on his own. Its so frustrating to deal with. I have no one on my side. His parents don't think he has PTSD, they think I am the one who isn't committed to this relationship 100%. Some days I feel like giving up. But, I know I am stronger than that. I love him so much and this is killing me so badly, I just don't know what to do anymore.
  17. Lost_in_FL

    Lost_in_FL New Member

    All ~

    I am also in the same boat, my husband has left me and my children saying he doesn't love me anymore, and is unable to feel anything. His PTSD is not official, and is not Combat related. We do still talk, are trying counselling and he still appears concerned about our welfare, but is confused and afraid of being diagnosed - hates the idea of being "labelled".

    I just want to extend a virtual "group hug" to all of you who are enduring a similar situation, as I can say that personally, I have never been through a more difficult and heart wrenching time in my life. :dontknow:

    I appreciate the support and guidance from you all more than you know, I'm blessed to have found this site. Thank God! :Hug_emoticon:

    Prayers and peace to you,
  18. Leigh-Anne

    Leigh-Anne New Member

    First timer

    As alot of people have written it is like I have written some of the entries myself. My husband was in the Army up until 3 weeks ago, he was medically discharged due to PTSD and a list of other things. He came back from a six month deployment in Oct last year and that was when things really turned rotten. Not only was he drinking excessively but I also found out he was taking prescribed medication in bulk. He tried to committ Suicide in March this year by a drug overdose, due to the extent of damage he did he has Memory loss but they put that down to the binge drinking aswell. And to top it off I found out that my husband had an affair while he was overseas with a Canadian Army person. We have two children together who are 4 and 6 and if it wasn't for them I would have left. We can't deal with the issues surrounding the affair because it makes him withdraw further and sink into deeper Depression. So I keep a happy smiling face and do what I can as his carer. I feel extremely lost and lonely and unsure about the decisions I should be making. I struggle with the fact that this man I love has been unfaithful and confused and sad that he is so unwell, sometimes I ask what I did to deserve this...
  19. Nicolette

    Nicolette ♡ Supporter Admin ♡
    Supporter Admin

    Welcome to the forum Leigh-Anne
  20. simplyme

    simplyme Member

    He may feel like he doesnt deserve you! Or he doesnt want to hurt you or put you through being with a "broken person" as my husband puts it.
    Just hang in there and reasure him that you love him nothing is going to change that.
  21. jenu00

    jenu00 New Member

    Hi there,

    I am going through the same thing. My husband had mortuary duty in Iraq and dropped off the face of the planet during his deployment. I was worried that when he came home he would be "different" and I was very nervous. However, when he came home he acted like nothing was wrong. He made me feel like I was the one with all the problems and anger. However, the most important thing I noticed right away is that he was not interested in sex at all. He would avoid it until I would literally blow up at him and then he would give in.
    However, fast forward one year and four months from homecoming and we have an entirely different story. He was okay for about 8 months. Starting this past summer he started to withdraw and get crabby. It was gradual but its definitely a problem now. He asked me for a divorce in December of the year, right before Christmas. He told me he didn't feel anything anymore and that I have crushed his soul and he wanted to be happy. I felt awful. I thought it was something that I had/have done. I was a wreck. My parents and his mom flew in for the holidays as planned. It was pretty awful. He ignored his mom, treated me like dirt and sort of acted okay during dinners.
    He has huge mood swings. He'll be happy and wanting to do stuff together, to totally ignoring me by the evening. He will be mean and say cruel things. He has spent over 2500 dollars in two weeks on clothes and micellaneous stuff. He went out and bought a new phone plan six days ago and said he didn't want me to control him anymore.

    Believe me, this isn't the man I married. He just seems so weird and there is no rationalizing with him. I'm at my wits end. I have spoken to the people on base but have not opened it up to the base CO. I am in therapy myself to try and figure out how to sort out all these feelings of anger I have towards him, and this coming week I'm supposed to see someone who specializes in PTSD. He refuses to seek treatment. He blames me for everything. I want to hang in here too just for the sheer fact that I love him and he is my bestfriend. I feel, at times, that he is possessed and if he could only hear what he is saying, he'd realize how odd he comes across.

    Its so emotionally draining. I cry all the time because I just can't take a lot of him sometimes. He is just always reminding me how we are getting a divorce, yet its been a month now and he won't move out, he wont' hire an attorny, he just talks a really mean game. He keeps telling me to leave.

    I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm sorry any of us are. I never really gave too much thought to PTSD until now. I feel like its consuming my life. I miss my husband. I miss the man I married. I sometimes feel like I'm living and interacting with a complete stranger, a cruel one at that.

    Hang in there, and know that you are not a long at all.

  22. pebbels

    pebbels Well-Known Member

    Hi all, my heart goes out to you as well, it is torture to be in your situations as i was and as much as i loved my partner with all my heart and it was painful to see him going through his own torture i discoverd from this forum and after been pushed away so many times from my love that at the end of the day i needed also to look after me, I LOST ME in trying my hardest to help him and understand ptsd and not realising that i had a right to put up boundries and get the respect back that i was given to him, even though he was stuggling to make sense of it as well, it is hard on both parties. He needs help, you need support as well, and a relationship counciller for both, it is one hell of a rollercoaster ride for both of you. My ex was very irrational and that took it's toll on my emotions even though i knew the symptoms of ptsd and tried not to take things personally, it still hurt because i am human after all with feelings. I wish you all the best and to let you know that the forum and chat room has helped me immensely to understand my ex, and to understand why i felt i had let him down and the helplessness we feel. Peace to you all.
  23. copswife

    copswife New Member

    I swear I just typed exactly what you are going husband is a police officer who was involved a shooting last june where he shot three men who were shooting at him. He was not injured but didn't think he was coming home that night. Since the incident he developed PTSD and although he said he was better about a month after the incident things started to get worse last fall. He started pushing me away and got angry and annoyed when I tried to talk to him. All of this was unreal to me since we had such a close open relationship before this. Over the last month my husband has been pushing me away and wants to seperate. We have two small children and shows them affection and can tell them he loves them but he won't do the same for me. He says he feels nothing for me but that it's not me it's him. It's so frustrating because I love him and I want to help him get better but he wants the girls and I to move back out of state 1500miles away from him to be close to family instead of him. I'm afraid we will end up divorced because he feels like he will always be this way. He makes comments to me about being better off without him and I should move on...this kills me! I've read a lot of info on PTSD and realize this is normal for PTSD but it scares me that it will be too late for us because he pushing us away! HELP!
  24. amethist

    amethist The Mystic Duck

    Hi Copswife

    Can i suggest you get yourself some support fast, so you can cope with whatever happens. I do hope it all turns out well for you and your family. Could you possibly speak to someone who he works with and get him some help with this. Maybe you could try the sly trick of suggesting it yourself but in such a way that he thinks it's his idea.

    I hope it works out for you and you children, take care.

  25. pebbels

    pebbels Well-Known Member

    Hello copswife:hello:I know the frustration you are feeling, no say in what is your relationship as well and it hurts like hell. Is there anyway you can get him to seek professional help as well as read what is in the ptsd forum because with help and hard work it can get better. All the best at hopefully achieveing this with your husband. Take Care:Hug_emoticon:
  26. Shoka

    Shoka Well-Known Member

    Hello Copswife,

    I'm a cops girlfriend and can offer a little hope, my bf has witnessed several shootings
    and other "urban warfare" incidences. He has been getting help since October and though the going has been S-L-O-W, things have improved.

    I will admit that I got to therapy before he did and that is what has helped me. I still take things one day at a time, but I have seen an improvement. Be sure to get help for yourself even if he won't go. You can't control him, but you can help yourself.

    Best wishes that things improve
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