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Childhood Help/support please

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I'm so f*cking angry right now I should just f*cking kill myself. I can't shake these memories. I know I had anal sex as a child and I remember I couldn't wipe my own ass for the longest time. In pre school the teachers had to do it for me. I remember I just felt so dirty all the time and I'm just so f*cking humiliated and I'm so angry at my parents. How can you not think anything is f*cking wrong when a child can't wipe their own ass but you'd get angry at me for not developing at the same rate as the other kids. I just want to kill myself I'll never be anything in this life. I'll never be happy. I'm visiting family out of my country right now and I just burst out crying in the car and my cousin made me feel a bit better, but still it's not like I can just physically say out loud that I'm having memories of anal sex. I hate this I just don't know what to do. I don't want this and I'm so embarrassed about this
 
The shame belongs to your abuser not you because you are an innocent. It is appalling what you suffered and endured the humiliation, I so understand not wanting the feelings connected with this remembering. Are you in therapy? Because that is the place to take these horrid feelings. It was and is never your fault that your abuser is a sick and twisted pervert that destroyed your innocense! Your feelings are based on lies told to you from your abuser you know. You were an innocent. I hope that you call a hotline now. You appear to be in a crises and there is some kind of voice available to listen to you and to suggest what you must do in order to cope and manage these feelings and thoughts. It is not your shame.:hug:
 
I can relate. It carries so much shame from a lot of angles. I struggle with the shame more than anything. I feel like such a bad person... a deviant.... like I asked for it. I didn't though... I was 9 maybe. It was horrible. Being able to look at what happened through the eyes of an adult might help you change your perception about yourself. You know you were a child, it wasn't a choice, you were told lies, you were abused. Scary stuff. Be kind to yourself. You do deserve it. I am really sorry. I can only tell you that all of the awful things you feel about yourself should be directed toward your abusers. You deserve some peace and happiness. Hang in there...
 
Shame IS..."I am bad"
Guilt IS.... "I did something bad"
You did neither.
Trauma makes us believe lies about ourselves.
The truth is you are a hero and a victor.
Any of those negative thoughts gives power back to the criminals.
Freedom comes from sharing all of the trauma with another.
Message me if I can help. I am good at listening.
 
Thank you guys for your support. I feel bad for reaching out so often like this...I think I'm going to try counselling again in the near future. I just really don't want to deal with this at all. It's easier to focus on something else.
 
I just really don't want to deal with this at all.

Me neither. My father was my perp and all he ever did was anally rape me because he dressed and treated me like a boy. I've never addressed it in therapy.

Sorry you're going through this.
 
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