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Relationship Help Supporting Someone With Ptsd Please.

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Meggles88

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Hi everyone I'm new to the site.

My fiancée was recently diagnosed with ptsd which has been left untreated for a number of years even decades. To be honest I don't even know where the ptsd has stemmed from but I think it is something to do with being neglected as a child or domestic abuse. I have tried speaking to her as to what the cause is but she does not want to talk about it.

My partner is never violent and she has recently started therapy and councilling. There are currently issues at work which are not helping her. She works for the police and has stopped driving marked cars and is double crewed for the time being which was her own choice. Now she wants to start driving again work have told her that she can't do this until she is signed off by the force medical officer (FMO). The FMO has said its not down to him and the driver unit have said its fine however her sergeant isn't allowing her to. This has posed a massive set back for her and today she is really struggling with the stress.

I have been shouted at this morning being told I am not supportive enough. I find it very difficult to know what to do in these circumstances. I have tried talking to her about it and she doesn't want to, nothing I say makes her feel better, I have tried holding her but I feel like she becomes very cold and unfeeling which in turn I guess makes me feel the same. I am struggling with what sorts of things I can do to support her. This morning I thought she might want space so I went down stairs which was evidently the wrong thing to do.

She's always telling me to go out and spend time with my friends so that I don't get bored of her but I want to be there to support her. She appears to understand when she has said the wrong thing etc and she is very worried about the impact this is having on the both of us.

I guess I am after a bit of advice on the best way to deal with the outbursts and provide support for her. Sorry for the massive rant it's just starting to get to me now and I'm struggling to know how to act around her. I try to be normal and carry on with day to day activities so that she can feel she is living a normal life but apparently this is also the wrong thing to do! Sorry again for the rant!!
 
I'm so sorry for what you're going through, Meggles. My husband probably could have written something very like your message 10 years ago, but I've been getting treated. I really hope your fiance works in therapy to help herself. I'm very glad she's started. I had angry outbursts a lot before I started therapy. I think it just comes with the PTSD. I had a lot of childhood abuse issues and unfortunately took it out on my husband before I got help. Thank God he stuck with me. We've had a great marriage since, and I hope the same for you two. I would say that until she starts getting better, just keep being supportive. There really is no other right thing to do. If she gets angry, just know she's probably angry with her own situation. I really hope she gets better, at least enough to not take it out on you. I think that's up to her. You take care!
 
Hi meggles,

I can kind of relate to your situation in I often wonder what I should do, how do I handle a push and what to say. I've asked the same question here only about a week ago. But, really, there is no proper way. I'm currently going through a push that was the biggest push I've been through and I found that I think back to what was said and how things were handled and I've always thought it could've been handled better (especially this time around).

However, at the end of the day, you do have to respect their wishes and give them the space they need. I understand that space is hard for a supporter, but granting them the space they're asking for is supporting them.

So, I don't know, but I believe that if she's telling you to go out and hang with friends or whatever, you should definitely go and give her that space she's asking for. You need to live your life and take care of you as an individual just like your partner needs also.
 
Good morning I am in a similar situation. She is seeing a dr and on meds for ptsd. I do think she needs therapy and I think it would help me also. I haven't been able to approach that topic though.
 
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I really hope she gets and works on therapy. I don't believe we'd be married if I hadn't. And do go out with your friends sometimes. You need a respite. My hubby is out of town this weekend giving a talk, but he's also seeing friends and he's getting a respite from me, which is good! Take care!!
 
Hi Meggles, welcome.

My husband has PTSD as a result of his experiences as a police officer, although he is now medically retired.

As people have already said there is no 'one size fits all' answer, you have to find what works best for you.

When my hubby has an 'outburst' I walk away. I refuse to engage with him until he calms down. I tell him I love him and leave the room. When he's ready he comes to me. If he wants to talk I listen, or we just cuddle in front of the tele, or whatever.

Remember to take care of you as well as looking after your fiancee, and spending time with friends comes under that category.
 
We all have our own interpretation of 'support'........the kind I need is to be left alone to deal with my emotions when I'm going through my hard times. At these times it's important to me that my partner is not stressing over me, as that leads to me feeling guilty that my Shit is giving him Shit which makes me feel even more shitty about myself.....so you trying to support her in the conventional sense may be putting more stress on her maybe?.....listen to what she's saying regarding you going to see friends......this may very well be the 'support' that she needs.
 
Getting educated about PTSD can help you a lot as a supporter. None of us know what to do at first, we all have to learn. Then, just as we start to get more comfortable, something new happens and we have to learn some more!

The shouting/lashing out behavior can be common when a sufferer isn't managing their stressors very well. Here are a few good posts that can help you understand. This one explains what happens when a PTSD sufferer experiences stress. https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.13737/

This one explains what stressors and triggers are https://www.myptsd.com/threads/stressor-vs-trigger-what-is-a-trigger.9903/

Once you get familiar with what an "overflowing stress cup" looks like in your partner, you can recognize when they are lashing out.

When my hubby has an 'outburst' I walk away. I refuse to engage with him until he calms down. I tell him I love him and leave the room. When he's ready he comes to me. If he wants to talk I listen, or we just cuddle in front of the tele, or whatever.

This is probably the best way to handle lashing out behavior. I do something similar with my Vet. I refuse to be a target for any kind of lashing out. I tell him that I love him, but I refuse to be spoken to like that, and that when he is ready to have an actual conversation he can find me... then I remove myself.

Any kind of emotional response to their lashing out is just going to escalate the situation. Any supporter can attest that trying to argue with a sufferer is like throwing gasoline on a fire. Same with emotional outburst or crying. It is better to put an end to it before anything is said that cannot be taken back.... by either of you. My vet always feels terrible when he acts like that, so I'm pretty sure he appreciates cooler heads prevailing and saving us from worse.

This is setting your boundary. You cannot make her do or not do anything, but you can put your foot down as to what you will or will not tolerate. If you will not tolerate lashing out behaviors, then you will remove yourself every single time she lashes out at you.
 
Any kind of emotional response to their lashing out is just going to escalate the situation. Any supporter can attest that trying to argue with a sufferer is like throwing gasoline on a fire. Same with emotional outburst or crying

You are so wise! :hug: I always await your response to a thread because they're always helpful. Out of all of us, you seem to have figured this thing out to the best of anyones ability. I envy you.:)
 
Aw shucks ladies, you make me blush :oops:

I still get confused and mess up all the time... I've just figured out two major things that have made it a lot easier. The first is boundaries, the second is not taking things personally.
 
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