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Help, What's Next - Symptoms Increasing

Discussion in 'General' started by Moey, Apr 9, 2007.

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  1. Moey

    Moey New Member

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    I have written before about my problems with PTSD.

    My PTSD symptons have been increasing, crying, hypervigligence, dreams, being afraid to go out.

    The following is something I have just encountered which is sending me over the edge. Could anyone please let me know what you think and give me some advice

    I saw pornographic pictures on my computer and asked my husband if he had downloaded the pictures. He said he never goes to those sites and that hackers could get on your computer and they just popped up. These were pictures not sites so I wasn't sure it was the truth.

    I put spy-ware on the computer to see what was happening.

    A couple of days later I saw pornographic stories about children that were so shocking. When I confronted him he said that he never read those kind of stories. Then I told him I had installed spy-ware and saw the stories but he still tried to tell me that he had never seen them. I told him that spy-where does not lie.

    Finally he admitted that he was reading those kind of stories for years but he didn't write them he just read them. He also said it was no big deal and that it wasn't like he was a child molester. I told him the police wouldn't feel the same way but he said they would be on his side as he has a right to privacy.

    He keeps saying I am making too much out of it but there are very explicit stories about children having sex with each other and also there were stories about children have sex with their mother and hurting her. Who knows whatever else he does as I confronted him after reading a couple of the stories. It just made me sick.

    I have asked him a couple more times whether he still thinks it is alright and he says of course it is.

    He was also been using binoculars to look at the windows in the hi-rise across the street. He said there is a naked woman there and if she didn't want to be seen she would not walk around naked.

    Can you help, I don't know what to do? Am I making too much of it? I just feel like crying all the time and it is very hard to look at him.

    Any advice would be very much appreciated.
     
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  3. Monarch

    Monarch I'm a VIP Premium Member

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    That is some pretty bad stuff, I wouldn't trust my husband if he acted like that. Little regard for your feelings and issues and more about him. But I don't know the whole story so I can't judge you I just know what I would do. I find it helpful to acknowledge my hyervigilence and anxiety and then use my positive self talk to work it out.
     
  4. Portabella

    Portabella Well-Known Member

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    Moey, I am not going to sugar coat my opinion. I would be horrified if my husband was showing interest in children, not only showing interest but downloading stories with not only child porn but incest. Do you have children? I would be worried and I certainly would not want him alone with my kids. I would be searching the computer to see if he has downloaded child porn pics to the computer as well, he may have them in his e mail. How long have you been married? Only you know what you will deal with, but if you have children in the home, that is not fair to them. Remember this is just my opinion, but your husband is ill, you may want to try and get him help. And by the way, if he has child porn photo's on the computer that is against the law and the police would love to hear it. The stories are not against the law unless they are being written in a non fictional manner in which case they may want to know to speak/investigate the author. I am sorry that you are forced to face such a hard situation. <hugs>
     
  5. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

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    Dear Moey,

    This is a rock and a hard place. There are a few things you need to know so that your decision has some knowledge behind it, okay?

    Firstly, it is against the law to have pictures of child porn in your possession. Period.

    Stories not so much but, those stories tell you something. It's what he fantasies about. Now not everyone acts on their fantasies but some do. Really there is no way to tell who will and who won't.

    The laws in the US are very harsh. If you call the police, then he will be charged. He can receive a sentence anywhere from 10 to life. He will not be allowed to be around children, live within a certain radius of areas that are deemed for children etc. You will not be allowed to have a relationship with him if you have children or you will lose your children.

    I'm not trying to scare you just prepare you. This is what will happen. Since we tend to self-blame, you need to be prepared for what will happen if you call the police.

    Now, if you seek help (from a counselor, doctor, etc.) they will report the images and have to because its law that they report it.

    Also, if the images are on your computer (your's as in not a shared computer) that is not good as it is your responsibility.

    Now, if you don't say anything to anyone you are going to get eaten alive by this. If he does act out his fantasies you will blame yourself (I should have known, If only I had done something etc... all of which is not true..) If he doesn't you will always wonder.

    I don't have advice for you on this. Just this information. I know many, many families that have gone through this. I know many men that have been charged and families that have fallen apart.

    The important thing is for you to do what you NEED to do. Without guilting yourself one way or the other. He put you in this position, not you.

    No matter what happens, we are here for you.

    bec
     
  6. piglet

    piglet Well-Known Member

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    Hey Moey,

    I'm afraid I have to be pretty abrupt here, but please don't take offence. If the computer is yours, password it so he can't get on it. At least, then you can delete the nasty stuff and no more can get in.

    As for the bigger picture, to be honest, reading what he is doing is making me feel physically sick. I am not emotionally involved with your partner, so it's easy for me to say, but tell someone please.

    If it was "just" stories, it's bad enough, but it's fiction. If there are photos too, that's a different story. These kids will grow up having to deal with those photos and the experience involved in them being taken. I have ptsd from being abused as a child. If there's the slightest chance that someone you know is contributing to abuse, then they need to be dealt with.

    Personally, I'd like to rip their balls off. However, prison is still a satisfaactory option as they can't access the photos or stories and so cannot support this disgusting industry.
     
  7. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

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    Hi Moey, Just another honest response, and not trying to be blunt here. Moey, consider yourself informed now on what to do about this. Get more ideas if need be ASAP, but respond to them. I can't stress this importance enough. Further Responsibility ! ! !

    I'm with piglet, and the others on this...

    ...if there's the SLIGHTEST chance that someone you know is contributing to abuse, then they need to be dealt with....

    This makes me sick, and would, with or without the experience of my mother, and her now deceased lover. He tore off and encouraged that out clothing be further taken off (that of my mother, and all of us girls) and he took pictures ...and pictures were taken and..........

    The one the might've done something about this Rationalized it in such a way that she excused it away and nothing was ever said or done. She reacted out of her fears. There's no room for attention to fear of the what if's on this one. We either do something or we don't. Again,

    ...if there's the SLIGHTEST chance that someone you know is contributing to abuse, then they need to be dealt with....

    ((many hugs and strength for you Moey))
     
  8. Moey

    Moey New Member

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    thanks everyone

    I really appreciate everone's advice.

    I guess I am particulary upset about this as my ex-husband molested 2 of my nieces a few years ago.

    I certainly never thought I would be in this position again.

    Where I am confused though is stories versus pictures. I confronted him soon after I saw the first few stories so I don't know if it had gone to the picture stage.

    Some people say that stories are alright because they are not pictures.

    Where do I draw the line?

    I am very lost at the moment.
     
  9. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

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    Moey, Ignore everyone's personal opinion here and draw the line where YOU NEED TO.

    I can not stress that enough. This is about you and how much you can handle and whether or not you can trust him etc.. Not about what trauma's we've been through, what we think, what we feel etc..

    THIS IS ABOUT YOU. You decide what line you need to draw and I will stand by you not matter what line that is.

    bec
     
  10. hodge

    hodge I'm a VIP Premium Member

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    I have to say (speaking as someone who has some professional training in the effects of stories), I think the stories are as bad as pictures. Fiction creates pictures in our minds, right? Both stories and pictures about children being molested are the same in my mind. Children having sex with each other is not healthy behavior.

    Are stories and pictures about any other kind of sex any different? Both serve as forms of stimulation. Some people are stimulated mostly visually, some mostly verbally. What's the difference? It's stimulation! And if it's stimulation regarding a destructive form of sexuality, I have to say, it's not good, period. Sorry for being so blunt, but that's how I see it. I would take this as a big red flag, personally.
     
  11. willing

    willing Active Member

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    What a difficult position to be in. What to do is would be extremely difficult for me to even begin to try and give advice. But the one thing I agree on is that this is about you and how you are dealing with it. You need to address things as it affects you. My thoughts are with you.
     
  12. Moey

    Moey New Member

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    Thanks

    Your comments were really appreciated, so thanks to those who answered.

    I get sick everytime I think of it and my PTSD is getting worse by the day but I guess it is time to deal with it, although, I have to admit that denial is a happier place to be.

    I don't think I ever will forget sitting at the computer and reading the first story....sick and shocked all at once. I guess it is pretty clear what I can live with and what I can't.

    Unfortunately, I have just finished my contract job so I have no money and no family or friends I can stay with.

    That wasn't meant to sound like I am whining it is just what I have to deal with right now.

    Does anyone have any suggestions on how to live in a situation like this without be destroyed at the same time?

    If only we lived in a fairy tale and could wish things away!

    But, I wanted to let you know that your support means a great deal to me, so thanks once again for your kindness and understanding, and to those of you that thought you were being blunt, sometimes that's what is needed to get a point across when logic has temporaly left home :)
     
  13. cookie

    cookie I'm a VIP

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    i can't imagine what you're going through, but i am praying for your situation. i can't even say much, just readiing it has made me shake. please don't allow things to continue as is.
    cathy
     
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