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Help With A Trigger

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Real

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I am in desperate need of help with dealing with a person who is a major trigger. He never really did anything himself to become such a trigger, but I can't even look at him or hear his name without going into a panic inside. I have talked with my T and a trusted friend, but still there's no let up on the power of this trigger. I just want him to go away, but I know that isn't in my control. I don't know what to do. If anyone has any advice. I do my best to avoid him but I live in a very small community. I feel helpless.
thanks, R
 
I had that...and it's better, but not gone.

I started plugging in my ipod with just one ear bud in when I go in places where I know I'm likely to see him (He works in one of our only stores in town.)

I used the music to ground me as I forced myself to see him, know he was there, feel the nearly runaway anxiety, and breathe myself into it.

I kept doing it and now, seeing him triggers me a bit but nothing like before when I was avoiding him.

What sucks so much about the PTSD avoidance is 'that which we try to control...controls us' and it is so true for me.

Best of luck to you. Maybe you can find a grounding artifact or piece of jewelry or something that you can carry with you as you make the journey to facing this situation.

I am so glad I didn't wait. My T. pushed me to do this and it was terrifying but now that I'm no longer feeling that, am SO glad I did it.

One trigger down for me...only a lifetime of them left to conquer.
 
I don't know how I can face him. Heck, I just see him from a distance and my heart starts racing. I start thinking I'm such a loser and I'm nothing. I can't imagine that there's any hope at all.
 
One way to do it is graduated exposure therapy. Go look at him for one minute. Then go off and process that. A few days or a week later do two minutes. Go and process that, and so on and so forth. Do it in conjunction with the grounding techniques. Wish you the best of luck
 
Another way of dealing with this person is talking to a trusted friend about this person, then going with your trusted person on an errand that takes you near the trigger...but instead of it being 'the reason' you make a positive memory with your trusted person. For me, it was shopping for my loved one's birthday party. I saw the trigger person, but stayed on task. Got in, got triggered, but stayed with the plan and ended on the good note. It's getting better.

People triggers are rough. Good luck!
 
When someone becomes a trigger for me, it can be life-disabling. I seem to map this fear onto someone when I either perceive that they've rejected me or actually fear them.

With my (harmless) ex a few years ago, I not only avoided walking by his house but even his entire neighborhood. Whenever I'd need to leave the house, I'd fret about seeing him and try to plan what I would do or how I could ensure that I wouldn't run into him. I had nightmares about him on most nights. I realized I had a serious problem when I traveled to an entirely different city where I had NO chance of running into him, about every fifth guy with dark hair I thought was him and I felt that stabbing feeling in my gut. I was so paranoid and hypervigilant that scanning crowds for him had become my default perceptual strategy! Eventually I let go of this, but it wasn't because I made any real progress, just that enough time passed that I wasn't scared or ashamed anymore.

Just recently, I had to fire someone in my office, which is SO hard for me. I struggle with assertive communication and it was difficult to have to tell her that she had done a poor job and couldn't work there anymore. I handled the actual firing really well. I was prepared for her to turn around and attack me for not having told her what she was doing wrong. There are only so many behaviors you can anticipate and counteract before common sense comes into play. "Don't be rude to clients. Be careful not to leave valuable documents on public transit. Don't shred important legal documents into pieces when clients stop working with us. Don't text on your phone while we're in meetings." (I could go on and on, but you get the idea!) Anyway, I did the right thing and was still kind and compassionate while not budging. However, she got another job in a nearby building where we also work sometimes. Awkward. Before I realized it, I was trying to plan how to avoid going to that building. Flaking on meetings that would take me even near the building. My coworker mentioned she had run into her, and my heart felt like it stopped beating. I was confused since I had been strong about firing her. I was afraid of retribution, that she loathed me, that she would physically attack me, that she would seek revenge on me or stalk me, and began having nightmares about seeing her.

I'm not one for CBT much, but I found it helpful in this case to talk about my irrational fear (downplaying the severity) with my coworker. This former employee when seeing my coworker was nothing but ingratiating smiles. She's very business-minded, so why would she do anything to further burn bridges? I realized that if I ever ran into her, she would be extra pleasant because I have connections that could harm her career if I went to them about her. I didn't take away a feeling of power over her from that realization, and also it didn't stop my fear. I'm sure if and when I do see her, I will feel a stomach stabbing and a rush of panic. But I remind myself that if I see her, in no way would she try to attack me. It's not in her best interest, and it would reflect poorly on her and not me. I try to remember this whenever I catch myself making a decision out of fear of seeing her.

Thanks BloomInWinter and others for your suggestions about strategies for dealing with this. I'll try to put this to use when coping with more general agoraphobic anxiety. I hope it gets better for you, Real.

-Nora
 
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