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Sufferer Hi, Complex Ptsd , Making Life Hell

Discussion in 'Introductions' started by TawkyTawny, Apr 28, 2012.

  1. TawkyTawny

    TawkyTawny New Member

    Hi,

    I'm 38yo male. I had a therapist suggest that I had Complex - PTSD to me about two years ago. I looked it up, but for whatever reason it didn't make any impression. My life has been pretty unbearable. I'm reasonably successful, but I have extraordinary difficulty maintaining relationships with people. As I get older, my personality "defects" seem to be getting more socially obtuse...I'm too old to be so standoffish. I've had very few relationships with women and there's no reason for this. It's not them, it's me, but I only believe that when I'm not in a crazy, angry space in my head. Which is often.

    I could go on forever but I just want to get to the point. I was diagnosed with ADD when I was 8 years old and I've always kind of accepted that as my problem. Then I've had different therapists and psychiatrists throw out bipolar and depression as well.

    I went to an anger management workshop last week and it was a disaster. It as so apparent to me and to everyone else in the room that my level of anger was abnormally high. She asked me if I ever felt loved, and I said no. I ended up walking out of that room in anger.

    I need help. I've been reading about Complex PTSD and I have all of the signs, although many people say it is not a real diagnosis. Whatever, the facts are - I had very rough childhood, and it took me years to realize this - I still love my parents, but I can't deal with them anymore because I think of all the problems that I have in life, issues with self-esteem, hypervigilance, a deep fear of women, etc. that I wouldn't have had had my parents, especially my mother, not acted towards me the way they did. I felt love from my father, and still do, but my mom, it's like there's something not there...I think she might be BPD but never diagnosed.

    I don't know what to do. I am not suicidal but I'm afraid that I will make myself sick through all my worrying and despair and loneliness.
  2. Chondra

    Chondra rumpled Premium Member

    Hi TawkyTawny. Glad you made it as far as you did, and also glad you arrived here.

    A bit of advice if I may? Make an appointment and get yourself in for a proper evaluation. Then follow-up and act on the result. These things can be rather complex, and proper diagnosis is critical in order to get the proper treatment. Along that line - do your best to be as honest as possible and if you are having trouble with that say so. It matters.

    Sorry to just throw advice out like that. I hope you can find some relief soon. Good luck!
  3. TawkyTawny

    TawkyTawny New Member

    I was evaluated. I've been to dozens of mental health professionals. My therapist in California diagnosed me with Complex-PTSD (I know it's not in the DSM, but California doesn't care). My last therapist fired me after several months because my anger made her afraid. She said there was something physiologically wrong with me.

    This has been the running thread of my experience in therapy. My therapists offer various suggestions, I do them, don't get results or am unable to do them, a couple of years go by and I decide to stop wasting my money on something that doesn't give me results.
  4. TawkyTawny

    TawkyTawny New Member

    Is there a way to change my status from "Undiagnosed" to "Sufferer"? I chose Undiagnosed because Complex-PTSD is controversial, but I was diagnosed with it by a licensed therapist.
  5. KP the nut

    KP the nut Tigger is back Staff Member Premium Member

    Changed.

    Welcome to the forum.

    Wishing you peace
    KP.
  6. Chondra

    Chondra rumpled Premium Member

    Okay, Thanks for the additional information. Sorry I missed it at first.

    I am very sorry you are having such a difficult time. I am also really sorry you have had such a poor experience in therapy. I can understand why you stopped trying. Even at its best, PTSD is a nasty, difficult condition to treat. Add ADD, Bipolar and Depression? That is a lot of freight for you to carry!

    I have all but the Bipolar diagnosis and it took me a few years to find the right therapist. I actually turned to alcohol to try to cope. It worked for a short time, then it just caused addiction. (I do not recommend it). But addiction oddly led me to a therapist that worked for me. If you try therapy again, I hope you quickly find a descent therapist too.

    In the meantime, there is help within the threads of this PTSD Forum. There is plenty of support, good tips and advice. I hope you take advantage and participate. Good luck!
  7. JuneBug33

    JuneBug33 New Member

    Hi TawkyTawny,

    Thanks for being so open about your issues. I think that being able to open up and be honest about the truth is the first huge obstacle each of us faces. I was recently diagnosed with Complex PTSD. After being diagnosed with bipolar, ADD and depression. It seems to fit me quite well and gives me some comfort that I finally fit in somewhere. I'm not bipolar, it was the C-PTSD causing all the symptoms of it. On the other hand I feel very defeated... what do I do with this now?

    I do have an exceptional clinical counselor who has pushed me to realize everything. I don't leave her office feeling all cheerful and like I just made someone proud for getting better. Instead I sort of dread our time together, she made things difficult. She opened this vault full of crap and now I can't shut the door again. I feel the shame when I am with her and tell her so. I know that if I am going to get better I need help, I can't do it on my own.

    I know it's a pain but you should keep trying out therapists/counselors until you find someone who you

    A) Like

    B) This is a big one for me, you must believe that your therapist is smarter than you

    C) Go to therapy even when you don't want to

    D) You must must must try- yoga or mindfulness meditation, something to quiet the mind and help you get back in control of your anger

    There are people out there like you, it just might take some time to find them.
    Chondra likes this.
  8. TawkyTawny

    TawkyTawny New Member


    There is very little evidence to suggest that any therapist is smarter than me. That sounds arrogant, I know, but anyone that has a stable background sufficient to complete their training, probably doesn't have a lot of life experience. It's like most weight-loss doctors - they have never been fat, how can they possibly know what they are talking about? The only people who can help me are people that have experienced what I experience, not people who've read about my experiences in a book.
  9. Chondra

    Chondra rumpled Premium Member

    I have had three therapists now for my PTSD. One of them (my first) had PTSD, one might have been smarter than me. All of them were darned good at helping me process and manage my PTSD. Just saying.
  10. JuneBug33

    JuneBug33 New Member

    I totally agree there is little evidence either way of how smart someone is. I think it might have been a bad descriptive term, it's just how I think of it. I need someone who makes me think and calls me out on my bull.

    Do I leave my sessions with a little bit more understanding of who I am? Do they communicate with me in a way that I understand and soak in? These are a few questions I have used in the past to help find the best therapist for me.
    Chondra likes this.

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