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Sufferer Hi, Discovering Bodies, Getting Held At Gun Point, Parents Fighting

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BrokenToker

New Here
Howdy,

1st experience: at 8-10 y/o my father (alcoholic) started drinking and smoking cigarettes again. My mother would not have any of this, my father would come home drunk and my mother would get me and my sister take us and leave our house she also made him seem like some kind of monster. My father was (almost) never violent, worst things I can remember is him snapping a towel at my mothers feet/legs, but my mother would scream and yell and all kinds of anger would spew from every part of her. This became a bi/tri weekly event until it became such a terrifying event every time.

2nd experience: At age 19 me and a lot of my friends went to an abandoned military bunker in the desert for a friends birthday party. Lots of people from the desert where I live came out and were drinking, smoking having a good time. It became late at night and a girl I was trying to "get with" had to go home, I offered to go with her and friends to take her home. It began to rain hard and our corolla couldn't get back out through the dirt roads so we stayed at a friends house instead of returning to the party. The next day I got a call from one of my best friends moms saying that "<randomname> didn't come home last night" so we looked around town couldn't find him so we went back out to the desert bunker and discovered his body with his eye ball shot out laying in a pool of "maroon" we left and called the authorities. Later we found out my friend <randomname> and his girlfriend <randomname> had been murdered by some randoms from a town almost 100 miles away.

3rd experiance: at age 22 I had gotten a job at a medical marijuana dispensary as a medical marijuana delivery driver, I really enjoyed this job it fulfilled me quite well even thou the pay was not good. This job ended very abrubtly when I was robbed at gun point in the middle of the street.

I feel like these events have taken every aspect of "me" and put it in a shoe box in the back of the closet. I have become severely paranoid of household cleaning products(more fear is experienced over a floor cleaned with bleach then when I had the gun pointed at me). I feel like I don't have a future. I feel like I'm not a real person anymore. I have a hard time staying on topic in conversations expecially with empathy. I have developed quite a drinking habit (every night, rarely during the day during disc golf) and am a very habitual marijuana smoker (every hour sometimes more often).

I've been through so many sorts of therapy I feel like nothing helps, emdr, cbt, neuro feedback, talking to church therapist.

I ask you, does it ever get better? Because I really just don't think it does.
 
Thank you :] Even thou I feel as thou this is kinda like standing on a corner with a sign saying all of this as people walk by... its nice to know im understood.... I hope.
 
I found a dead body too, a murdered girl. It was horrifying.

I really identified with the part where you said that you "didn't feel like a real person anymore". I feel like that most of the time now. I feel like the "real" me is gone away somewhere and is replaced with someone I don't even recognize anymore.

Welcome to the forum, everyone understands here.
 
Im sorry to hear that :/ It means alot to identify Kaii, I have a few friends who witnessed the same as I did but none really relate. Does the real you ever come out? Every now and then I feel "real" or "complete" again for a while, but its always short lived...
 
We had 7 in our search party, and I am the only one who has been affected by PTSD. Sometimes I wonder why. Am I a weaker person? We all saw the same thing and yet I am the only one who has been reduced to "this", not them. I believe it is due to my past history...the 2 attempted sexual assaults, physically and verbally abusive boyfriend and abusive and neglected childhood I had. There is more but I haven't been brave enough to share it here yet.

Finding that girl was kind of the straw that broke the camels back. A person can only take so much, see so much, live through so much.

I see glimpses of my former self but it is always fleeting. I have accepted that this is the new me. It's okay, I guess. I can learn to live with it, just as I have learned to live with everything else in my past.

You are not alone. Don't ever feel that way for a second.
 
I can really relate to how people who have to deal with a person or people who had their life/lives stolen feel so different. Life does not feel real after that. Most people including my friends do not have to deal with murder thank god, but that makes it impossible to talk to them without getting frustrated at their lack of understanding or wanting to understand. It is not something that the average person has to deal with or wants to deal with.
 
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