Hi, I'm not sure I should be here or not. I find myself asking myself often wether or not I have a problem, or if I'm just imagining things or what. Well... Right now it's going to be midnight soon, and I know that I won't be able to sleep tonight, and here I am drinking beer. I have to go to work in 6 hours, but here I am drinking. And what would happen if I didn't drink? I'd stay up, and I'd start to fall deeper and deeper into negative thought. I don't know why, but right now I just feel emotionless. But amidst the fact that I feel emotionless and I won't be able to sleep tonight, there's that tendency to start to fall into negative emotion as you sit here and nothing makes you happy, but you just can't seem to go to sleep. You just can't relax.
And I'm sitting here drinking... So that I can have good feelings, so that I can relax... Without looking at it from the outside I'd say I'm fine, and I'm just drinking because I like to drink. Looking at it from the outside it seems like something might be wrong. But therin lies the question... Do I just have bad habbits- is that it? Or is something else at work?
A little bit of a back story, I just got back from afghanistan 2 1/2 weeks ago, I'm an infantryman, my battalion took heavy enemy contact and we lossed a lot of people. I would go into details, but frankly it's just something I don't like talking about. I'm pretty sure I'm messed up, but I keep trying to rationalize that I'm fine, that I just have some bad habbits or something. Or that I'm just a weird person. I've had a handful of nightmares, not too many, I've had a handful of what I guess would be called "flashbacks", not too many. I just want to believe that this is temporary, that I'll shake it off. But here I am in the middle of the work week drinking beer just shy of midnight with the realization that tonight I won't be able to sleep, and I need to drink so that I can atleast feel good... Something isn't right, but is it PTSD?
And you know, I just don't want to think I have PTSD. I really don't. I don't have the balls to go get help, I don't. I want to think that this is just temporary and that this will go away.
But yea, lately I've just been feeling really emotionless in general. I often find myself wanting to be alone because I don't want people to see me in a bad mood. A relative saw me over the 4th of July, I had to take a few hours to myself because I had an emotional break down, I felt so helpless and pathetic, just so many bad memories flooding my head and I'm sitting there trying to bombard myself with alcohol to make it all go away. I'm a mess.
And the thing is, is if I was a civilian going to a therapist wouldn't be such a big deal, because then it would be completely private. But in the army, it isn't. In the army your chain of command has to be notified if you go see a therapist, and if they think I have PTSD everyone will definitly be notified. So there's no real confidentiality, I would just find that all really embarrasing. And I'm afraid that I'm going to get in trouble too, like I could see myself doing something tomorrow at work that will get me in trouble. What exactly? I don't know. Probably just refusing to follow orders anymore... I'm so tired of everything. I just don't care about anything anymore. I just wish I didn't have a job, and I didn't have to do anything. I don't even care about going to college anymore, I just want freedom.
I probably have PTSD... I don't know, everyday that I feel good I tell myself that I'm fine now, but then I have days like these... But when I feel good again I'll just tell myself that it's finally over, and that all is well again. Thoughts?
And I'm sitting here drinking... So that I can have good feelings, so that I can relax... Without looking at it from the outside I'd say I'm fine, and I'm just drinking because I like to drink. Looking at it from the outside it seems like something might be wrong. But therin lies the question... Do I just have bad habbits- is that it? Or is something else at work?
A little bit of a back story, I just got back from afghanistan 2 1/2 weeks ago, I'm an infantryman, my battalion took heavy enemy contact and we lossed a lot of people. I would go into details, but frankly it's just something I don't like talking about. I'm pretty sure I'm messed up, but I keep trying to rationalize that I'm fine, that I just have some bad habbits or something. Or that I'm just a weird person. I've had a handful of nightmares, not too many, I've had a handful of what I guess would be called "flashbacks", not too many. I just want to believe that this is temporary, that I'll shake it off. But here I am in the middle of the work week drinking beer just shy of midnight with the realization that tonight I won't be able to sleep, and I need to drink so that I can atleast feel good... Something isn't right, but is it PTSD?
And you know, I just don't want to think I have PTSD. I really don't. I don't have the balls to go get help, I don't. I want to think that this is just temporary and that this will go away.
But yea, lately I've just been feeling really emotionless in general. I often find myself wanting to be alone because I don't want people to see me in a bad mood. A relative saw me over the 4th of July, I had to take a few hours to myself because I had an emotional break down, I felt so helpless and pathetic, just so many bad memories flooding my head and I'm sitting there trying to bombard myself with alcohol to make it all go away. I'm a mess.
And the thing is, is if I was a civilian going to a therapist wouldn't be such a big deal, because then it would be completely private. But in the army, it isn't. In the army your chain of command has to be notified if you go see a therapist, and if they think I have PTSD everyone will definitly be notified. So there's no real confidentiality, I would just find that all really embarrasing. And I'm afraid that I'm going to get in trouble too, like I could see myself doing something tomorrow at work that will get me in trouble. What exactly? I don't know. Probably just refusing to follow orders anymore... I'm so tired of everything. I just don't care about anything anymore. I just wish I didn't have a job, and I didn't have to do anything. I don't even care about going to college anymore, I just want freedom.
I probably have PTSD... I don't know, everyday that I feel good I tell myself that I'm fine now, but then I have days like these... But when I feel good again I'll just tell myself that it's finally over, and that all is well again. Thoughts?