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Sufferer Hi, Need Some Help - My Baby Died

Discussion in 'Introductions' started by ASterling, Jun 3, 2007.

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  1. ASterling

    ASterling Member

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    I think I need some help. I went to see a counselor last week and I am supposed to go back this week. My heart feels like it's going to come out of my chest. I was having nightmares seeing my baby dying and I couldn't get to him. I would imagine I heard the phone ring and it was my daughter - I imagined something horrible had happened to her and I couldn't stop it.

    My baby died Jan 11, 2005. His father left him by himself for a certain amount of time - we don't know how long - and it was my second day of full-time work that I had to do, in order to provide for the baby and my home. My baby suffocated by getting tangled in the covers and railing at the end of the bed. My daughter who is now a young teenager found the baby first. I never saw him as she found him. I don't think I could go on if I had. She put him on the bed and that is where I saw him when I started to do CPR. It is a long story but Anthony died on the way to the hospital. They tried to save him but they couldn't.

    I see his face, I hear him crying. I have to take medicine to sleep (Tylenol PM and benadryl or melatonin).

    I never married Anthony's father because his situation was so upset. For my entire relationship with him, he was involved in a bitter custody battle over his three children from his previous, long-term marriage. It consumed our lives. There was little happiness for me.

    I never really got help after the baby died. I made sure my daughter got help and went back to work, which was my help at the time. Now Alan (the baby's father) is back in his custody battle again and - well, with all of his problems, his ex-wife and her husband are much, much worse. They tried to use the baby's death in the custody battle, but it didn't work at that time. Now they are using the Internet again to use Anthony's death to . . . well, whatever sick stuff they think they want to do. It's a type of internet stalking. I saw some of it and it was enough to put me where I am right now.

    I am still working and it does help. It keeps my mind off things. I feel like I can't go on many days.

    I am the survivor of a sexual assault (age 21) and have had many family tragedies.

    It's like I can't take any more and this is the final straw. Sometimes I see my baby's face out of the corner of my eye. I imagine I hear him when things are quiet. I can't eat, it's hard to sleep, and all I can think of is my little one that I lost.

    I want to think it can get better, but I don't know. I feel like I never had a chance to be happy and it has just been one violent tragedy and abuse after another. These people - one thing that happened is the woman broke into my house after the baby died and destroyed a lot of stuff. She smashed all of Anthony's Christmas things which were some of the only memories I had of him. I know they are just things but I feel like everything about his life is being abused and used in this evilness. That's what I can't get over. I had six precious months with him and that is it. My baby was born with Down Syndrome but that is not why he died. He died because he was left by himself, alone.
     
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  3. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Hi AS, sorry to hear of your loss. Do you blame someone because your baby was left alone? I get that distinct impression from your post. Was it mentioned that your baby died from SIDS?
     
  4. ASterling

    ASterling Member

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    Hi Anthony - I have had a lot of trouble logging in. Also, when I returned I figured nobody cared. I was surprised to see your message.

    The baby's father left him by himself for about 20 minutes. He rolled off the bed and strangled in a terrible position. I did not see him myself right away. My daughter found him first and had lifted him up by the time I saw him. I tried to do CPR. The baby's name was Anthony by the way. He was taken to the hospital and I was told he died on the way.

    I have seen the counselor twice. I have an appointment with the doctor Monday.

    It has been up and down for the past five-six weeks. I am having trouble eating and sleeping. My stomach hurts most of the time. My work is starting to suffer too. I haven't done too much but the dishes today.

    I am extremely depressed and feel hopeless. I have had many family tragedies and I was also violently, um, it was a violent sexual assault when I was 21. I thought I had recovered. Only a few weeks ago I could talk about it but now I can't. I cry a lot of the time. I have nightmares that I hear the baby crying and now of people trying to kill me to get to him. I am fearful of being attacked all the time. My hands shake and I am getting so it is hard to drive.

    What brought this back is online stalking. My relationship with the baby's father was troubled greatly before the baby's death because he was involved in a bitter divorce and custody battle. It has been over 2 1/2 years and the people won't stop, ever.

    I wanted to try to take care of my daughter after this happened and try to rebuild my life.

    But I don't have a life. It was taken from me the night my baby died.
     
  5. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    It is so hard to respond to a post like this as about everyone here does not have a firm grip on their PTSD so are effected by other posts. How do you respond? Well, you leave it to the one who does have a grip, Anthony. He can see when we go "oh shit cannot read it and cannot help". He knows how and I am a walking testimonial.

    Reading your post is enough to send many a mother into an anxiety attack so we quickly close the post. We care, problem is too much. I could never imagine the pain. I have been through a lot but that one I could never wrap my mind around. Doc said if I ever lost a kid the way I am I would never come back. You read something like this and you just wish you could comfort the person's soul. You do not have to know them. You just feel a need to make it better. Having 4 kids I would say it must be the ultimate loss. No matter what happens or what you see, that one takes the cake in my book. So I see why people are afraid to post here, including myself.
     
  6. 9Lives

    9Lives Active Member

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    Dear ASterling

    I agree with Veiled's comments, especially if peoples' trauma hits too close to home. Although I never had a chance to bond with the 2 that I lost, I will never forget how our lives were affected so terribly. I am so sorry you are going through so much pain. If ever you need to talk, I (we) are here - it's just sometimes hard for us to reach out but, don't think no one cares. It took me a little while to be able to post back to you but, I just wanted to let you know that you're in my thoughts & prayers & I hope you start to feel better soon.
     
  7. janis362529

    janis362529 New Member

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    Hello and welcome.
     
  8. ASterling

    ASterling Member

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    I'm so sorry!

    I am so, so sorry to have caused other people pain. With all everyone has gone through - I guess I have a lot to learn.

    Part of what's been going on is that it's so difficult to talk about. I don't know how to go through all the feelings at all. I wish I had taken my baby from the hospital the day he was born and run away somewhere. If I had, he'd still be alive. Now, the current situation is so stupid and shameful. I had gotten so I could talk about it and tell people. But the "custody battle" that I was only a part of due to my involvement with the baby's father - not "fighting it" because I never believed in it is back.

    I never dealt with Anthony's death (the baby) the first time around. I just kept going. So it was like it happened NOW and it's been happening ever since.

    It's gone into my stomach now -- it just hurts all the time. Definitely the "hypervigilance" too. Well, basically everything on the list.

    But I'm not so bad that I can't see now that it was too painful for people. I am so so sorry for that.

    I am seeing the actual doctor for the first time tomorrow. And I do have friends. I told my family and close co-workers last week too. I knew they were wondering what happened to their normally upbeat friend.

    I'm reading the articles too. There is so much to learn. It's a better day today. Also right now I am taking Tylenol PM to sleep and it works better - better than being up all night or just sleeping a few minutes here and there.
     
  9. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

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    Welcome ASterling!

    I haven't got much to say yet (yet being the key word, hehe) I just wanted to let you know glad to have you here. Also, some replies may take awhile for other reasons. I don't have internet at home currently, so I just use freinds when I get the chance. I'm very limited in what I can reply to because of time constraints. Many others have the same situations, or lack of time due to work, family, etc... Don't get down because it takes awhile for replies. Plus everything V said.. LOL

    bec
     
  10. Portabella

    Portabella Well-Known Member

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    I agree with most all that has been said. I will say unless you are in physical pain don't use Tylenol PM as a sleep medicine. Tylenol is hard on the kidneys, and you can get the same medicine to help you sleep w/o the acetominiphen in it, buy Sominex, or simply sleep, its much healthier for you. Also...that way when you need Tylenol for pain you have not built up a resistence to it and it will help alleviate said pain.

    I too have lost a beautiful child. I am going to PM you if the forum will allow it now, I tried the other day and it would not let me because you were still a "Moderted Member". I am so sorry for your loss. Yes this is painful for us to read, but we will read and we are here for you, don't forget that.

    We Care,
    ((((Super Hugs)))))
    Theresa
     
  11. ASterling

    ASterling Member

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    Hi Theresa -- I got your message so yes, it did work! I saw the doctor today. She was extremely kind and explained many things to me and answered questions. She said I should believe I am 50% better because I took the step of asking for help. I did receive medication and I won't take Tylenol PM any more. I will try the "warm milk" and relaxation approach. This was just what the counselor said before I could see the doctor.

    I officially have PTSD - because I never really dealt with his death when it occurred.

    I hope I can help everyone else too. Everything has helped me so much so far and I am so sorry for your loss, Theresa.

    Bec, I am enough better that I can see how far I've come - really some dark days there for a while. Thanks to everyone so much for being there.
     
  12. 9Lives

    9Lives Active Member

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    hello

    I'm glad you're getting help now & I hope you start feeling better soon on your road to recovery. And, you're sweet for worrying about causing others pain from sharing your story but, I wouldn't worry about it too much. We're all sharing our stories & know that we may get hurt reading each others' stories but, I'm sure it's all part of the healing process & it's in our nature to try & help others if we can. Good luck :)
     
  13. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Well... now you have the diagnosis, what are you going to do about fixing yourself? You will likely find it WILL get worse before it gets better, I guarantee it actually. Only you can fix you, only you can heal you, now its up to you when your ready to really pull your past apart, as plenty of support is here for you.
     
    a3a2 likes this.
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