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Supporter Hi - New Member Introduction + My Story So Far

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Hi everyone! :)

I'm here as I've recently (3 months ago) started dating a soldier with combat PTSD and I want to learn as much as I can about what to expect and how to best support him. He was very upfront initially about having PTSD but it wasn't until about 5 weeks in that it seemed to start impacting the relationship, which is what led me to discover this forum. He started pushing me away, then we had a conversation about what was going on and he explained that he was having an episode and gave me a chance to leave, basically, which I refused to do (once he admitted that he also didn't want to break up). Shortly after that he's left on a work trip for a month, it's now 3.5 weeks into that trip and in that time I haven't heard from him, although I send him occasional texts (every 1-3 days) which don't require a response, just so he knows I'm still here.

I've been lurking here for a few weeks just reading lots of the threads, especially the ones about relationships and isolating, which have been really helpful. Mostly I'm doing ok, now that I understand a bit more about what's probably going on with him, but I still have days where I cry a lot because I miss him and I'm afraid that he won't come back (or that he'll want to break up when he does). And days where I wonder if I'm crazy for even thinking and hoping that this can work out. So reading your stories has helped me a lot with reminding myself why I'm doing this and also giving me hope that even a long silence can simply mean he's working through some tough stuff.

That's the short version of my introduction - but I've written out the whole story below if anyone is interested - mostly because it's made me feel better to write it out. :)

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I met my bf on Tinder, of all places! In the beginning he was very emotionally open and things moved quickly, which I was slightly wary about but it just felt right so I threw caution to the winds and went with my gut. Although now having read quite a few of the threads on here it seems that this may be a pattern in new relationships when one of you has PTSD? So I don't know if that's a factor or not for how fast things moved. In our case, within a week or so (after 3 dates) we agreed to be exclusive, which I felt comfortable about because we'd spent a lot of time together already and I was already falling for him pretty hard. He was very upfront about the PTSD and the fact that he often had trouble sleeping although initially when I was there he slept fairly well. He also told me a bit about the event(s) that had caused the trauma, and that he had been diagnosed and had treatment (although the exact details of the treatment aren't clear to me). But not having any previous knowledge of it, I underestimated the impact of the PTSD on his day-to-day life because he seemed fine for the most part (although often overly tired, which I attributed to his job - he has to get up at 530am every day and sometimes earlier).

For the first 6 weeks or so of our relationship we were spending every minute we could together, I had a business trip during that time and we Skyped usually twice a day for long periods of time while I was away, so despite having only known each other a short time it felt like we'd really gotten to know each other pretty well. It was wonderful because he was so emotionally open with me, and so appreciative of me. I've never felt so loved and secure. The sex was amazing too ;) - I've never been with someone where the emotional intimacy and physical intimacy both were so strong.

Then about 6 weeks ago he got hit with extra stress at work and texted me saying he felt confused and needed to slow down and have some space. I replied that that was fine and he should take whatever space he needed, but after 5 days without hearing anything I asked about what our status was (I wasn't sure if he had intended 'space' to mean a break up or not). He replied the next day with a very depressed message about the situation being damaged and that the real him wasn't worth anything and that he was sorry he couldn't be what I deserved, but still not clarifying whether he wanted to break up. I replied just saying that I was sorry that he was feeling that way but that I knew the real him and he was worthy of love. I said I loved him and would be here when he was ready to talk, however long that took.

After another 4 days or so, I started to worry that maybe I'd missed the point of his previous text and he wanted to break up but I hadn't realised, so I asked him if I could come over to pick up a couple things I'd left at his house and talk about things. He said I could come by later that week, which I did, and he was looking rough - I asked how he was and he told me that he was having 'an episode', so he wasn't feeling great. We talked a bit about the relationship and he clarified that there wasn't a problem with 'us' but rather he felt I deserved more than what he could give me and was pushing me away 'to protect me' - basically giving me an out from the relationship. I asked him if his text had meant that he wanted to break up and he said 'no, if that's what I meant I would have said that'. He also said he'd been seeing the doctor since the episode had started. I told him that I wanted to be with him and so if he wanted to be with me then I wasn't going anywhere and he said he wanted that too. As I was leaving, I said that I knew he needed space but was it alright for me to text him every so often just to let him know I was thinking about him, and he said yes that was ok.

The following week he was leaving on a training trip for a month so I asked if I could come over and see him before he left. I went over there and spent the evening with him, and for the first time since I've known him he was very physically withdrawn with me and unresponsive if I tried to touch him. I offered to go home rather than spend the night but he said I could stay over so I did - he had trouble falling asleep and I got the feeling that me trying to comfort him by putting my arm around him actually made it worse, so I backed off from touching him even though we slept in the same bed. The next morning, we said goodbye and he didn't kiss me back but he did give me a massive hug. A couple hours later he sent me a text that just said 'I'm very sorry about everything', and I replied saying that I know, but I also know it's just part of everything he's dealing with. I said I was honestly ok with taking it slow and figuring things out as we go, and that I could see how much he cared about me, and that I was just glad I got to see him before he left on his trip.

That was the last message I had from him, which was 3.5 weeks ago. I've been sending him occasional texts (one message every 1-3 days) which don't require a response - sometimes I mention what I've been doing, sometimes it's just a link to a song we both like, sometimes it's just a 'thinking of you' text. When I was at his house I had suggested maybe talking on the phone while he was away, so I texted him once to ask if he was up for a call but didn't get a reply. I also tried just calling a couple days later, but he didn't answer so I just left a voicemail (so he'd know nothing was wrong) that didn't require a response.

Having been reading more on here since then, I've been worried that I may be inadvertently making things worse even with the no-pressure texts but I did ask if it was alright to text him so hopefully I'm not overwhelming him. I'm afraid that if I just stop or even significantly reduce the frequency it might backfire because he might think I'm mad or that I've given up or something. He's getting back from his trip on Wed and I'm worried that I still won't hear from him but I'm trying to take it one step at a time. I'll probably text him the day he gets back to say 'welcome home' and then later in the week to see if I can go over there at the weekend, but if he doesn't respond to that then I'm planning to follow up by just telling him that he can let me know when he is ready for me to come over, and not to worry about it. And if the lack of response continues much longer I might send a text to say that if he'd prefer I didn't text him right now and wait for him to text me first, he can send me a stop sign symbol or something and I'll stop.

I've been reading up on a lot of the threads here about boundaries, etc and I've had to think about that idea of 'would you be ok with this in a relationship where PTSD isn't a factor', but I told myself that since he did say he didn't want to break up, it's unlikely that his radio silence is a 'ghosting', more likely that it's just an isolation. If this is going to be something that happens fairly often, I do think I need some sort of 'I'm not dead' signal every once in a while, but I think that's a discussion that should wait until he feels better. So I'm waiting until he comes out of the isolation before I have a conversation about potential boundaries for the future and also about what I can do to help when he's having an episode rather than adding stress to his cup.

Apologies for the lengthy post but it feels good to tell the whole story, so thank you for bearing with me!
 
I read the short version, thanks for that option. I'm a sufferer, so I can relate to both sides of your issue. I can say that there have been times when I really did not feel up to conversing or associating with people, but I have had to do so for various reasons anyway (like seeing a doctor, or running into someone who says "HI" to me or even having to go out to lunch with some folks after church). I find that it is best for me to listen at those times, since I don't feel like talking. In a large group, only 2 folks even noticed that I was quiet, and in both instances I just replied that I was listening and that was accepted by folks, no one even knew I was suffering! (Or at least if they did know, they kept it to themselves).

When I felt better and more outgoing again, I just chimed into the usual conversation that I had only listened to a couple of weeks before, and no one (again) seemed to notice.

Maybe my experience will be of help to you!
 
@bridget_marie welcome to the forum to both of you, I too am a military sufferer and have been in a major isolation for the last 3 months. Apart from this forum and only really going out when I desperately need to Iam totally alone in my flat. I totally understand your situation and your sufferers.

Times like this when I need to be alone are difficult to see an end to but I keep plodding along as best I can.

I send a UK :hug: if you accept it for both of you.

Laurie
 
Thank you for the hugs and kind words @Mr Laurie :)

I hope you come out the other side of your tunnel soon. Sending you some :hug: back.

And thank you @SheilaKathy for your comments as well, I tried to like your post but I'm not sure if it worked.
 
Your sufferer would by the sound of it bebenfit from membership either on this or the sister forum mycombatptsd.com it would be beneficial if he checked the forums out as well :D
 
@bridget_marie Welcome!

Isolation is tough and when someone is in that head space where they feel like they are potentially damaging to the people they care about, it is really hard for anyone who hasn't experienced it to understand. However, for your own health, you will need to really consider whether it is something you can learn not to personalize, even though it affects you personally.
 
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