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Hi - Ready to Open Up About Abuse

Discussion in 'General' started by Zamboni, Aug 21, 2007.

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  1. Zamboni

    Zamboni Active Member

    I find my self drawn back to this place and I know after reading everyone is welcome. I don't know where to start as this is really the first time that I have open this far.

    I am adopted into a family that had parents who ended up in three other marriages. My Dad was a paster who left when I was 10. My mother was a bit different. He pushed her down some stairs to protect me.

    If you were to look up the different types of abuse: physical, mental and emotional, I experienced them all: beatings, fire, sexual stuff, and the emotional. It isn't genetics, thank god, but I don't know much as I was adopted. If anyone has seen the movie " Antwone Fisher," ouch. But it was the environment that caused a lot of my grief. I always said I would try harder and not make a mistake after an encounter. I would say I'm sorry.

    I left when I was 18. went to another country. I was on my own and soon started to exibit signs and symptoms of PTSD. My only savior was a sport in university. I struggled through my classes since I couldn't concentrate. But I made it.

    I became a medic. Thought I could help others, I did, but I started to get dreams. I became overwelmed. I went to my wife and that didn't work. We had three great kids. I spent 4 days a week with them due to my work schedule. How cool is that for a dad. I loved it.

    I was married for 11 years and then it ended. I did think I was crazy. We went to 6 marrage professionals. I kept saying that I had something inside me that wasn't right. And then when my wife was addressed, as to work on some things, we were off to another. I finally hit the bottom emotionally. I went to find help, (As it was my fault, I said I was sorry, I'd work harder).

    I had PTSD. My wife took the PTSD diagnoses and put it in the divorce papers. I was destroyed. I don't know how I made it. I kept my job, and continued. I got pulled over for a DUI. I wanted to quit. I kept going for my children. I was awarded 50 % child arrangement. But I have them almost 80% of the time. She just keeps it over my head, just enough to manipulate. But I HAVE my children.

    I stay to my self. I coach soccer, ( my kids) three teams, and i stay involved with my children. I am going to work towards another degree.

    I have hit the bottom again. I came from no where. I finally went for some medications and I am so dizzy and don't really care. But I will not quit. I need some help.

    I asked my sister why Mom was so hard on me. She said,"yes she was, she beat you, and you just took it." Well, needless to say, I cracked, again.

    Thank you. night
     
    katz and nie like this.
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  3. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

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    Zamboni,
    You've done a good job here sharing :thumbs-upand I hope you will keep it up. When you speak of experiencing many different types of abuse, I relate. Yes, it certainly seems to complicate things much, but renders nothing hopeless.

    Hang onto Your Determination, "I will not quit."

    "I need some help." -A great attitude, and very hopeul.

    And, Zamboni, add to this, if you will, "I deserve help." Because, no one and I mean no one deserves to be abused and mistreated as you were by your mother. It's not your fault. You have nothing to be sorry for here. You simply need help and I have a strong suspicion that you deserve it.

    Keep up the progress. And, hope you can continue sharing, and most importantly that it helps you.

    .........sincerely, goingonhope
     
  4. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    You are doing great sharing now. This is how it starts. Do you feel as if you have hit a true rock bottom?
     
  5. She Cat

    She Cat I'm a VIP Premium Member

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    When you do hit rock bottom......There is only one way out...UP.....Look up, see the light. It's there. Keep climbing, keep talking, keep searching. You will make it.

    Your doing great.

    Wendy
     
  6. Zamboni

    Zamboni Active Member

    Thanks for the replies

    I feel as if I am in a fog. Like before. I just get going in the morning because I have to. I had a relationship end the other week and i think this was the trigger. I did not see any warning signs. BAM.

    All of my stuff came right back: dreams of the matches and fire, beatings and stuff. It hit like a brick.
    Have I hit rock bottom you ask? I don't know. I have pushed others away, maybe, my x was definately a combination, she just got tired of me even though I REALLY ask for support. I've even called my mom. HELLO.

    The relationship that just ended was one that I wanted to open up to, and I know there will be others, and thats life. The part that I didn't like is how MORE stuff came back to me. The matches/fire, the night scare the crap out of me, cause thats when things happened, and I couldn't protect my younger brother all the time. To name a few.

    The trigger happened. And all i know how to do is turn everything off, my mind and emotions. A zombie. And I don't want this to happen. But it has.

    The medications have damped my mood. A bandaid. I need a solid direction.

    And ya, I didn't deserve it. Who does. I have to beat this because I want to have a normal life and relationship with my kids and another. Man its hard.

    - Zam
     
  7. Zamboni

    Zamboni Active Member

    PS

    Under the dog star sail
    Over the reefs of moonshine
    Under the skies of fall
    North, north west, the stones of farve

    Under the arctic fire
    Over the seas of silence
    Hauling on frozen ropes
    For all my days remaining
    But would north be true?

    All colours bleed to red
    Asleep on the oceans bed
    Drifting on empty seas
    For all my days remaining

    But would north be true?
    Why should i?
    Why should I cry for you?
    Dark angels follow me
    Over a godless sea
    Mountains of endless falling,
    For all my days remaining,

    What would be true?

    Sometimes I see your face,
    The stars seem to lose their place
    Why must I think of you?
    Why must i?
    Why should i?
    Why should I cry for you?
    Why would you want me to?
    And what would it mean to say,
    That, i loved you in my fashion?

    What would be true?
    Why should i?
    Why should I cry for you?
     
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