• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Hidden Anger + Heartburn, Tummy Troubles, Panic

Status
Not open for further replies.

Chava

MyPTSD Pro
Not even sure where this fits (mods can move if that seems appropriate). I've been feeling pretty good, or better than most of this fall. Then last night I had a nightmare about getting angry at a past abuser I couldn't ever be angry at...(like now I really don't feel anger, it just doesn't exist except for in forms directed toward myself). It was clear because I had some interaction with this person, felt angry, and went right to destroy some representation of this person. In the dream I was in some type of therapy that let me destroy an inflatable representation of this person...just punch and claw it (it was like an inflatable swimming mattress, stood on end to be person-height). It wasn't a scary dream or anything, just angry. And I never feel angry.

Today I have stabbing heartburn that has been slow to respond to meds. And my stomach has been a bit of a mess. I'd almost think flu if it weren't for the abnormally bad heartburn....plus I have a bit of that hyper energy. I woke up really early and have felt "too awake" all day (note this doesn't require any change in diet, sleep or anything, just appears out of nowhere). I still don't feel angry towards this person and don't want to, but will see them sometime soon. I guess I'm glad my dreams can work out some stuff for me, I'm totally fine with that and don't feel guilty for being a bad ass in my dreams. I sort of like how they can mediate things....like I can be fiercely angry but not have to fear hurting anybody, including myself. But I hope someday my body can be done with the harsh responses. Just when I think I'm starting to feel better, then it's like my body knows it's ready for another dose of feeling beat up by bad feelings, panic, or whatever.

Eating carefully tonight. Trying not to chain smoke. Keeping positive. Not sure what this post is even about...mainly trying to keep balanced, like aware of little chaotic parts without crumbling apart, if that makes sense. No meltdowns, no ER. I didn't even have to go home sick. But also, no anger. Just more pain. I can't seem to change the somaticizing patterns consciously...I do in some way hope bits of awareness or dreams or other creative symbols can eventually help me break through safely.
 
Last edited:
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top