I've found myself walking a new path recently after I quit my job of 8 years (so long, suckers!!!) and am now in the process of re-evaluating my life. I am a bit stressed, but not freaking out too badly, and have all but decided that my best long term plan is to go back to school. This particular program will have me graduating summer of 2017 at the earliest; working a random job to pay my bills for the first year, then dissolving my 401k and living off as much or as little of that as needed for the second year. Everyone who has been in this program, and even the school, says you cannot expect to work even part time and still pass. It is much too rigorous and requires a full time intership for the last semester. It will be very tight, but I think it can be done.
I wrote to my army vet with all the gory details of life, finances, and my options of what could be done next and asked what he thought. I may or may not have been trying to gently steer him in the direction of "invite me to move in with you!" LOL! I don't want to spend two years (without him being physically close and eating into all of my retirement and piddly savings) in school and then have him decide he's ready for me to move over there where my degree will mean jack shit in the UK. What a waste! But that all is really beside the point of this thread...and guess what. No invite. :(
What he did say was not surprising, and yet, I felt like I just got yet another glimpse into his head and how he thinks. Basically, and I'm paraphrasing (some) here, his advice was to take the first paying job I could find that would allow me to keep afloat and try to put away money for several years until I had enough to live off for that second year of classes (that would take forever!). Don't take out a loan. Don't dip into the 401k. Don't run up your credit cards. You don't know what the future will throw at you. Things have a way of kicking you when you're down. Don't rock the boat. You don't have a guarantee of making it past the selection process after the first year. There is no way of knowing how long after graduation it would take to find a job.
Don't take a risk...even if it means making an educated decision to improve your chances of having a better life/what you want in the future.
What he said, in and of itself, isn't necessarily bad advice, however, in my case right now, I'm leaning in the aforementioned direction. And I know it came from a place of love. He said he didn't want to say those things, but would feel awful if he kept his mouth shut and then I found myself "fooked" 2 years down the road.
I couldn't help but compare his thinking process about this to our relationship hangup. I want more, but he is deathly afraid to take the chance.
I see how much we love each other, how much fun we have, how interested we are in each others cultural and personal quirks, how well we handle interpersonal and PTSD speedbumps, the caring things we do for each other, etc. I see our possible future unfolding before me and I want to be there for it!
Instead of going with his heart, all he can see are the possible negatives. I can only guess what they would be for him; taking over his space, he's not good enough, his exwife was psycho and he doesn't want to be in that position again, he thinks he has a terrible attitude, that he has nothing to give me in return, he would be unable to support me financially (never mind that I have no problem working full time and taking on my share of expenses), he's too old, and who knows what else!?!
Regardless of what it is he is assessing - he can't see the forest for the trees. He will settle for a subpar life because it is just comfortable enough that he can survive, even though it causes it's own stress. It seems he simply cannot imagine taking that slight risk to chase the rewards that are just out of reach.
I found this to be incredibly sad. He looked evil and death in the face for years during his service - ran after it when it retreated into the darkness. It's partly because he was so brave that he developed PTSD, and now he is afraid of everything. How's that for irony?
How much is he missing out on because of his fear?
I wish there was a way to convince him that he can still have some of what he wants. He should know that while things could go tits up, it is unlikely to happen that way, and even if it did, he could deal with it. All he has to do is muster a little courage and reach out and take it.
I wrote to my army vet with all the gory details of life, finances, and my options of what could be done next and asked what he thought. I may or may not have been trying to gently steer him in the direction of "invite me to move in with you!" LOL! I don't want to spend two years (without him being physically close and eating into all of my retirement and piddly savings) in school and then have him decide he's ready for me to move over there where my degree will mean jack shit in the UK. What a waste! But that all is really beside the point of this thread...and guess what. No invite. :(
What he did say was not surprising, and yet, I felt like I just got yet another glimpse into his head and how he thinks. Basically, and I'm paraphrasing (some) here, his advice was to take the first paying job I could find that would allow me to keep afloat and try to put away money for several years until I had enough to live off for that second year of classes (that would take forever!). Don't take out a loan. Don't dip into the 401k. Don't run up your credit cards. You don't know what the future will throw at you. Things have a way of kicking you when you're down. Don't rock the boat. You don't have a guarantee of making it past the selection process after the first year. There is no way of knowing how long after graduation it would take to find a job.
Don't take a risk...even if it means making an educated decision to improve your chances of having a better life/what you want in the future.
What he said, in and of itself, isn't necessarily bad advice, however, in my case right now, I'm leaning in the aforementioned direction. And I know it came from a place of love. He said he didn't want to say those things, but would feel awful if he kept his mouth shut and then I found myself "fooked" 2 years down the road.
I couldn't help but compare his thinking process about this to our relationship hangup. I want more, but he is deathly afraid to take the chance.
I see how much we love each other, how much fun we have, how interested we are in each others cultural and personal quirks, how well we handle interpersonal and PTSD speedbumps, the caring things we do for each other, etc. I see our possible future unfolding before me and I want to be there for it!
Instead of going with his heart, all he can see are the possible negatives. I can only guess what they would be for him; taking over his space, he's not good enough, his exwife was psycho and he doesn't want to be in that position again, he thinks he has a terrible attitude, that he has nothing to give me in return, he would be unable to support me financially (never mind that I have no problem working full time and taking on my share of expenses), he's too old, and who knows what else!?!
Regardless of what it is he is assessing - he can't see the forest for the trees. He will settle for a subpar life because it is just comfortable enough that he can survive, even though it causes it's own stress. It seems he simply cannot imagine taking that slight risk to chase the rewards that are just out of reach.
I found this to be incredibly sad. He looked evil and death in the face for years during his service - ran after it when it retreated into the darkness. It's partly because he was so brave that he developed PTSD, and now he is afraid of everything. How's that for irony?
How much is he missing out on because of his fear?
I wish there was a way to convince him that he can still have some of what he wants. He should know that while things could go tits up, it is unlikely to happen that way, and even if it did, he could deal with it. All he has to do is muster a little courage and reach out and take it.