• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

General His Advice Spoke Volumes

Status
Not open for further replies.

Peach

MyPTSD Pro
I've found myself walking a new path recently after I quit my job of 8 years (so long, suckers!!!) and am now in the process of re-evaluating my life. I am a bit stressed, but not freaking out too badly, and have all but decided that my best long term plan is to go back to school. This particular program will have me graduating summer of 2017 at the earliest; working a random job to pay my bills for the first year, then dissolving my 401k and living off as much or as little of that as needed for the second year. Everyone who has been in this program, and even the school, says you cannot expect to work even part time and still pass. It is much too rigorous and requires a full time intership for the last semester. It will be very tight, but I think it can be done.

I wrote to my army vet with all the gory details of life, finances, and my options of what could be done next and asked what he thought. I may or may not have been trying to gently steer him in the direction of "invite me to move in with you!" LOL! I don't want to spend two years (without him being physically close and eating into all of my retirement and piddly savings) in school and then have him decide he's ready for me to move over there where my degree will mean jack shit in the UK. What a waste! But that all is really beside the point of this thread...and guess what. No invite. :(

What he did say was not surprising, and yet, I felt like I just got yet another glimpse into his head and how he thinks. Basically, and I'm paraphrasing (some) here, his advice was to take the first paying job I could find that would allow me to keep afloat and try to put away money for several years until I had enough to live off for that second year of classes (that would take forever!). Don't take out a loan. Don't dip into the 401k. Don't run up your credit cards. You don't know what the future will throw at you. Things have a way of kicking you when you're down. Don't rock the boat. You don't have a guarantee of making it past the selection process after the first year. There is no way of knowing how long after graduation it would take to find a job.

Don't take a risk...even if it means making an educated decision to improve your chances of having a better life/what you want in the future.

What he said, in and of itself, isn't necessarily bad advice, however, in my case right now, I'm leaning in the aforementioned direction. And I know it came from a place of love. He said he didn't want to say those things, but would feel awful if he kept his mouth shut and then I found myself "fooked" 2 years down the road.

I couldn't help but compare his thinking process about this to our relationship hangup. I want more, but he is deathly afraid to take the chance.

I see how much we love each other, how much fun we have, how interested we are in each others cultural and personal quirks, how well we handle interpersonal and PTSD speedbumps, the caring things we do for each other, etc. I see our possible future unfolding before me and I want to be there for it!

Instead of going with his heart, all he can see are the possible negatives. I can only guess what they would be for him; taking over his space, he's not good enough, his exwife was psycho and he doesn't want to be in that position again, he thinks he has a terrible attitude, that he has nothing to give me in return, he would be unable to support me financially (never mind that I have no problem working full time and taking on my share of expenses), he's too old, and who knows what else!?!

Regardless of what it is he is assessing - he can't see the forest for the trees. He will settle for a subpar life because it is just comfortable enough that he can survive, even though it causes it's own stress. It seems he simply cannot imagine taking that slight risk to chase the rewards that are just out of reach.

I found this to be incredibly sad. He looked evil and death in the face for years during his service - ran after it when it retreated into the darkness. It's partly because he was so brave that he developed PTSD, and now he is afraid of everything. How's that for irony?

How much is he missing out on because of his fear?

I wish there was a way to convince him that he can still have some of what he wants. He should know that while things could go tits up, it is unlikely to happen that way, and even if it did, he could deal with it. All he has to do is muster a little courage and reach out and take it.
 
So you are upset that this guy is actually thinking with his head and didn't invite you to move in with him after only spending 2 weeks with him *in person*.....?

This isn't fear. This is someone who is being rational and actually thinking with their head!

Have you ever had a long distance relationship before? Do you realize that it is SO easy to hide your true nature from someone for weeks at a time? No, not on purpose, rather it takes weeks before you start to even begin to see someone's true nature. Essentially you've seen "honeymoon version guy" and you want to move across the pond and move in with him....?

I know a guy who knew his girl for 7 years before getting married. They were long distance. They saw each other every other weekend for 7 years. Within a month of moving in together they realized they were hopelessly incompatible. But, by then, they were post-wedding (caching, big bucks spent!) and of course there was pressure to stay together. They stuck it out for another 7 years before calling it quits.

(Did I say this before?) Unless you have the opportunity to live with him for an extended period of time (read: minimum 3 months) on a trial basis (read: you can go back home at any time and it is an EASY move, ie pack a few bags and go back to your apartment) then its time to call it off. It doesn't matter how deep your love is. It doesn't matter worth beans if you can't practically make this work. And him just up and asking you to move in with him after only a 2 week visit? Nope, not practical at all.

The truth is that you do not know him. Please don't try and argue how deep your love is, how wonderful your conversations are. The truth is that until you can see him day in and day out over a period of time, you really don't know all that much about him.

I don't answer this in relation to PTSD because PTSD doesn't factor into anything I've said. However, i feel like you are pathologizing his resistance to ask you to move in. In essence, please stop blaming everything on PTSD when you don't get what you're looking for from your man.

You also sound manipulative. You sound like you were throwing all of this school stuff in his face in an effort to get him to ask you to move in with him. That backfired and you are upset. Please don't blame him because you need to be "rescued" from your life and he isn't stepping up to the plate. Live your life for YOU and don't depend on other people. You are embarking on a degree that may be worthless over there....so yes, in essence, you were trying to force his hand. You're essentially saying "ask me to move in now or its over." Is this fair to him?
 
I could give you 1,000 different military slogans that essentially boil down to 2 bits: Be Prepared & Cover Your Ass.

All of the daring sounds-sexier-than-it-is stuff? Is after months and years of dozens, hundreds, thousands of times of training/ prep. Everything from PT to keep your body fit, & weapons/gear handling/maintenance to keep your life expectancy fit, to scenarios & protocols both common & freakish... so that you don't ever have to think but can respond appropriately and with purpose (and your gear your life depends on is effing dependable). You check your shit. You have your mates recheck your shit. Then you check it again.

The improvise, adapt, & overcome? That comes later. After everything has gone to hell. Because it always does. How badly it goes to hell, and how fast you can recover or how hard you're hit by it? Usually comes down to having prepared for exactly that to happen. Again. & Again. & Again.

An army moves on its stomach; food & fuel. Logistics? There's a whole job series just for that, but each and every single person knows how far their body can go, how far the ammo on hand will go, how far their fuel will take them. Your life literally depends on all that shit being taken care of before you start. Because once you start? No timeout, no do over. What you have is what you've got.

That's not fear. That's advance work. "Failure to plan, is planning to fail."

_________________

Right now, it sounds like you're planning on your relationship to fail. There's no contingency plans (plural) in place to cover moving to the UK.

As far as the other, your beaux & I have a difference of opinion on schooling. It's a maths question in part... Say 10k per year vs. 40k per year. IMO...Makes eminent sense to get into school as quickly as possible (30-40 = less sense to leap). But where your beaux & I agree is not starting that schooling on a wing and a prayer. Start locking down funding (scholarships, grants, rate of inflation loans, etc. a year in advance... And work your ass off until that funding kicks into place), alternative housing options, low income everything, forgiveness programs, etc.. Don't use up your reserves before you've even started. That's just going to leave you completely f*cked the moment anything goes wrong. And it will go wrong. Whether you recover gracefully... Depends on luck & prep. Never depend on luck. The more you need it? The less you have it.
 
I never said anything of the sort @itsKismet. I'm not upset at all. If he asked me to move in, I would. It is what I want, but I haven't said anything about us getting together again in over a month. Would it work out? Who knows? As you say, you can't know someone until you're around them much more often, and while in a perfect world we could live separately but still close enough to hang out all the time and maybe get a better idea, but we can't. It's not plausible. So the next best thing is to just do it. That doesn't make it irrational. For all the couples who do that kind of thing, only to realize it didn't work out there are plenty of others for whom it did. And going the normal way of developing a relationship by dating and knowing each other very well before moving in together means nothing anyway, 30% of marriages end in divorce regardless. There is no guarantee for anything. That's my opinion and I'm entitled to it. Also, I do consider that an easy move back if things didn't work out. I wouldn't take anything huge with me over there and, therefore, wouldn't have anything huge to bring back. It's a matter of hopping on a plane. Done.

I'm not blaming his PTSD for anything. It is an integral part of who he is and it absolutely does play a part in his decision making, but I don't sit here and think, "oh yeah...that's definitely the PTSD!" I very rarely make any distiction at all. It was an observation about how he thinks, that I have reason to believe is, in this case, effected by PTSD.

Lastly, I'm not manipulative. I didn't throw the schooling stuff in his face in a bid to score an invite. We've had open and honest, two sided discussions about this going back over the past 2 months. He knows exactly what I'm thinking and I offered only a one or two line summary here because that wasn't the point of the post. Do I want to essentially waste 2 years in school and then have it be all for naught if I did get a chance to move? Of course not! That's not to say I wouldn't happily pack my bags and go right after the ceremony if he did decide he was ready to try and I still felt the same way about him.

Which brings me to addressing @FridayJones. You're saying he all about being prepared and covering your ass and that is the smart thing to do, advance planning. You're absolutely right, I think through every little detail of my life and and try to see where each decision gets me. In this case, though, it's not because he believes he has found the best option and if following it through. He is stuck, unable to move in case it goes bad. That is fear, not planning.

I am already expecting the relationship to fail? Hell no. I'm in this relationship 100%! I do have contengencies. Again, that wasn't the point of this post so I didn't go into them. If you really want to know what I would do if it all came crashing down; I've got family here, I own a home that I would not sell, but could rent out as a short term vacation rental, I carry a state certification for a skill that makes me fairly valuable to certain employers because it takes a year of on the job training before you can even be considered for taking the exam and it's in an undesireable field anyway that the majority of people would refuse based on how "gross" it is. But even more importantly, I am so sure everything would work out that I am willing to give it a shot. Could is backfire? Sure. But I don't think it would. And if it did...life sucks and then you die. It would hurt like hell, but you move on and try to do better next time.

I think you're both projecting your own issuses and read my post in a negative light. I wasn't looking for any advice on what to do regarding school, work, or my relationship. I was sharing something I had learned about my guy's thought process. Sorry if I somehow misled you into thinking I was angry or down or confused or hairbrained. I'm not. I was commenting on something I found interesting.
 
Peach, you gave me such great insight on my post, that I just have to chime in here. I hope I can be a fraction as helpful to you as you have been to me.

One thing I've learned is that PTSD sufferers are deathly afraid of change, especially major ones like moving, changing jobs... or letting a girlfriend move in. :cautious: It sounds like your guy is right there, and I think the advice he is giving you is coming from that place where he's at, which is dominated by PTSD. So listen and consider his advice, but in the end, you should take the risk if you feel it's worth it. Honestly I believe if we don't take some risks in life, we will never jump ahead, we will always be stuck where you are. If you attend an accredited program, apply for financial aid, etc. you will be able to make it. You will live like a college student, but there's nothing wrong with that short term. I did the same when I was in school, paid my own way through with financial aid, grants, loans, scholarships, etc. Lived with roommates to bring the expenses down, didn't buy expensive anything, only worked like 10 hours a week, which was all I could do and still have time to study.

I would agree that his extreme cautiousness probably spills over into how he is acting in your relationship and his feelings about moving in and other major changes. You are right that he is and probably will continue to miss out on a lot due to his fears. Perhaps you can help teach him that some risks are worth taking by moving forward with your educational plans and making a better life for yourself.
 
You're saying he all about being prepared and covering your ass and that is the smart thing to do,

Sorry! I'm usually a little bit better about making sure it's clear I'm not speaking for anyone in particular, much less all vets, just trends in general. For all I know your bloke could be utterly terrified, much less just plain old scared of risk. IME, however? It's usually the reverse.

Like the crowds thing... Often gets misinterpreted by civvies as fear of crowds / the people in them... And that's true for a lot of people with PTSD. But with combat vets, IME, it's usually not that at all. If fear is involved at all? It's not a fear of being hurt, but of hurting someone. Or having to restrain yourself from hurting someone. 180 degree difference. But it's still not usually fear. It's exhaustion. It's being on the offensive, not defensive. Constantly scanning, looking for trouble, being aware of everything and everyone. Having a constant map in your head of everyone and everything. What's out of place? What's different? What doesn't for the pattern? Who has a coat on in the heat? Who is leaving a bag unattended? Whose eyes aren't focusing? Listening for tone. Watching reactions of others. Where are the tensions? The choke points? Hundreds of things, all imputing at the same time. Which is fine when you're working. It flows, somehow, is easy. The unimportant stuff washes away and the yikes stuff pops. Assess & dismiss or assess & act.

But when trying to buy groceries? Or carry on a conversation? Or to not stand out all goonish setting everyone off all around you, but look like you're relaxed and enjoying yourself? (Snicker, or actually be relaxed and enjoy yourself!) And the clear goes away, and suddenly every damn thing is popping? Ugh. It's f*cking exhausting & infuriating. Like reading a book, while listening to music, & carrying on a conversation with and adult & 5 kids all talking at once and pulling on your clothes shouting and demanding your attention, while having sex, at church... Too much information! And half of it is plain wrong! Dammit! ...It's not fear of crowds. It's being overwhelmed & exhausted & by them, and infuriated with yourself.

The planning thing, predictable is preventable, usually falls under the same dichotomy. It may totally not be where he's at. Again, sorry for making that unclear! :confused: Was trying to provide another POV, since like the crowds thing, the planning thing, is often misinterpreted.
 
Last edited:
Thank you, @technigirl. Aside from beginning to learn the ins and outs of PTSD itself, the best thing about this community is realizing you aren't alone. There are tons of others around here who are going through nearly the exact same thing you are, just a few little details are different.

School is officially a go. Just waiting for the PTBs to evaluate my old college transcript and let me know what classes transfer over to the program I'm gonna take. I still have no idea how I'm going to pay for everything, even with the tips you suggested, but it will work out somehow. Necessity is the mother of invention. :)

I also like a good leap of faith. It doesn't mean blindly jumping off the edge, but taking everything you know into consideration and deciding that, yes, this is worth doing anyway. I have the same train of thought as you do, little by little he has come out of his shell since I've met him online 2 years ago, and I see no reason why that won't continue to happen.

No need to apologize, @FridayJones. Kismets post got my back up and I was defensive afterwards, so I'm sorry. Your explanation is eye opening and helpful. My guy will not go to a movie theater. That's fine, I respect his limits, but I love going - it's fun for me and in an effort to see if I could share that fun with him I tried to figure out what it was specifically about the movies that he didn't like, because perhaps we could address it with an early screening when the place is basically empty or sitting in the last row against the back wall. So I asked him, is it the darkness and not being able to see what's going on around you? Too many people? People sitting behind you? He never did say, all I got was a "Nope, the theater isn't happening anytime soon." So I left it at that.
 
If you've got a drive-in theatre nearby? You might try hitting that up.

Free range of motion, volume control, mirrors you can angle to see in all directions, walking about is encouraged (I would bring my dog & run him along the fence line), your own food, heavy gauge steel & glass between you & everyone else... Hell, you can even come strapped if you want. Smoke if you've got 'em, snuggling ditto, just a fun way to spend a summer evening. I just make sure to park to allow for instant exit. Lol. When I hit a new one I always check it out in the daytime first. Because I'm a dork. But whatever.

Won't work for everyone. But it's something to consider.
 
Haha! Yes, there is an old drive-in about 40 miles away, been there since the 50s. And, you're so right about the snuggling...or in his case, snogging! Sounds like a good time to me. :)
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top