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Honesty... Who Knew? Anger Control

Discussion in 'Dysregulation' started by Marlene, Mar 1, 2007.

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  1. Marlene

    Marlene I'm a VIP Premium Member

    I’ve been working very hard lately at being honest with myself and the people in my life. That’s not to say that I’ve been dishonest before…just that I kept a lot of how I felt to myself. Especially if I was angered or upset by someone-it would just sit in my mind and I’d stew over it and stay pissed off. Not the best way to keep your stress level down, I’ve found.

    So I’ve decided if someone says or does something that upsets me, instead of sucking it up and stuffing it down, I’ll tell them how I feel. Not being a jerk-just honest. This is still really new to me and a bit of a novel concept.

    At work, I had an issue with someone helping me cover the phones for a few moments when I needed to step away. The person I had the issue with made me really upset and I was just sitting at my desk fuming when I said, ‘To hell with it…I’m going to talk to him.’ We talked (calmly), worked it out and came to an agreement on how to handle this in the future. As I walked away, I noticed the stress my anger had caused was gone.

    My oldest daughter made a snide comment the other day. The next day I told her that what she had said hurt my feelings. Her response (with all of the teenage drama thrown in) was ‘I can’t believe that you even brought that up.’ I told her it didn’t really matter what she believed; I was just being honest. And I just walked away feeling better.

    Talking…being honest-it’s like taking something that could easily make you get really angry and stressed and handing it back to the person who upset you. And then you get to walk away.

    Man, I wish I’d known this years ago.
     
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  3. slhlilbit

    slhlilbit Active Member

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    marlene,:claps:

    Thats the way to do it. I am a firm beliver of the truth always works.
    although i have a problem not wanting to hurt peoples feelings but i figure that they sure dont mind hurting mine. so i need to speak up too.
     
  4. Linda

    Linda Well-Known Member

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    Marlene, I think you are right: honesty is the best way to deal with people. Sometimes they upset you not because they want to do so, but because they do not understand it. Good job!:claps:
     
  5. Marilyn_S

    Marilyn_S Well-Known Member

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    Wow, That's quite an accomplishment to be able to be assertive like that. I have a 19 year old daughter that always has to have the last word, always has to be right and always says she is the one who was done wrong anytime a discussion turns sour. I'd like to give her a peice of my mind sometimes but she's my daughter and I love her so I try to be nice. She is so good at getting under the skin! Perhaps I need to learn to walk away! Glad to here ya taking a good step in the right direction for yourself.
    Later,
    Marilyn
     
  6. Marlene

    Marlene I'm a VIP Premium Member

    My oldest daughter just turned 19 and is just like yours. Must be the age. Learning to walk away (especially when she's being a butthead) has been very difficult for me...but definately worth it.
     
  7. Kathy

    Kathy I'm a VIP

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    Honesty is completely the best policy Marlene. You have every right to express your feelings. Well done! And with your daughter, yes, I believe it is likely her age. I've raised several teenagers and they have their trying moments. Whatever you do, continue to hold your ground, stick up for yourself, and don't sink to her level. She will eventually see the error of her ways and come to appreciate you. It may take a few years, and she may need to have some children of her own first, but it will happen! Then all you need do is try your best not to say, "I told you so!" :wink:
     
  8. wildfirewildone

    wildfirewildone Well-Known Member

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    :loopy: A good suggestion I have for what to say when the 19 year old comes back at you......Look her straight in the eye and ask her if it's more important for her to be right or to be at peace with you and herself???? Also you can say to her, " I know that its important to you to get have things go your way but I have different priorities....can we sit down and talk and come up with a compromise?" Since her behavior pattern is rather set from what you say in your post.....you'll need to do this over and over....You can also keep repeating this question over and over [The broken-record technique] If you keep repeating firmly the same sentence while looking her in the eye she may just get frustrated and be the one who walks away....or she may surprise you and actually sit down and talk out a solution since you are willing to compromise....With my son [almost 30] when the sparks were about to fly I would say "Let's sit down and talk about it and see what we can work out".....it worked real well....it broke up the tension and he knew that his input and needs were important....The big thing with this technique is to keep at it....I know it's hard when you are in full-blown stress from your PTSD symptoms but do some deep-breathing and give it a go....another benefit is that she'll learn that she can't "get your goat" so easily and she may give up trying!!!!!!:crazy-eye wildfirewildone.....STEADYING THE COURSE OF PEACE AND NON-VIOLENCE
     
  9. Marlene

    Marlene I'm a VIP Premium Member

    You know it's funny...my husband and I were having a talk about our oldest earlier this evening. And in the vein of honesty (from me and to me) my husband told me that sometimes it's how I sound when I say things to her that set her off. His exact words were 'you can come off a little bitchy'. OK...bit of a sting, but if I'm going to change I have to know. In my mind I sound just fine, but to others in my family I'm sounding (again my husband's words) 'just like your father'. Another ouch...big time. I asked my 15 year old to tell me honestly and she concurred with my husband that sometimes I can be demanding and hurtful.

    So I told them that they're going to have to help me to tell me when this is happening...that's the only way I'll know and can change my behavior. I want to change, I want to be a better person than I've been before. If nothing else comes out of this PTSD journey, it's going to be that I'm going to change things about myself that I don't like. And if it's hurting my relationship with my family...I don't like it.
     
  10. batgirl

    batgirl I'm a VIP

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    I think it's awesome that you're examining yourself, being honest and trying to get along with your family better! I can relate to this a lot. I've had to "surrender" and ask my family to help me to be a better person, by calling me on my behaviour. It's been really humiliating for me in a lot of ways but also good. I am learning to be a better person and actually even like myself a bit now. Like you Marlene I don't want to hurt my family either.
     
  11. Marlene

    Marlene I'm a VIP Premium Member

    Thanks Evie-I think that doing this is going to be just as hard as facing my traumas because I'm still very sensitive to what's said to me. It's a little scary telling people you love (and feel safe with) 'OK...tell me when I'm being a bitch' because I know they'll tell me the truth. And thinking about what was said last night and that I've been a person that I wouldn't like or want to be around really hurts.

    My husband also told me that he had tried to talk to me about this before (changing my behavior/attitude) and I wasn't very receptive to the idea. I told him maybe I wasn't ready before...but I am now.

    So forward we go.
     
  12. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Oh well done Marlene... it finally clicked for you just how to handle the core root of anger. Bloody well done... excellent work. This is what people must do, they must hit a point where they want to change in every aspect bad enough to really try what they have learnt. Education is key. Using it is then the next step.
     
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