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Relationship Hope Its Ok To Get Things Off My Chest

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G86

New Here
Hi there,
I am engaged to a man who has ptsd but won't admit there is a problem. He's always 'fine'.
The thing is he's not fine, he has nightmares all the time, during which he has been known to choke or assault me. He's angry a lot, I can't communicate my feelings as he just flips out and shouts at me and turns it all around to be my fault. This wouldn't be as bad if we didn't have a child at home. He is better with our boy than he is with me but sometimes he's just so snappy with him. I feel like I'm playing referee a lot of the time. I'm always on edge, I'm exhausted, I'm scared to sleep, scared to talk to him. I've been so so sad lately, I cry a lot because I think it has all just got on top of me you know? He ignores me when I'm upset and offers no comfort or empathy.
I am there for him all of the time, I listen on the rare occasions he talks to me, I don't push him to open up, I know that will come with time, I am compassionate and I know I will never understand what he has been through but I am struggling and I don't know what to do.
I'm sorry, I had to just get some things out. There's no-one I can talk to about this.if anyone has any advice at all it would be greatly appreciated.
G x
 
Because I love him, because this is not him, because he's clearly struggling and I want to help him not give up on him.
I just need to figure out how to do that
 
It's okay, you seem like a great person.

Hmmm, him assaulting you and similar doesn't seem like a good thing. Make sure to take care of your safety.

And for the other parts, how are your possibilities for theraphy, and can you tell it to him directly, the way you see things?
 
Yes it is more than OK to get things off your chest here. There are a lot of supporters here who can relate.

We love our sufferers very much, but it is very difficult when stress reactions cause them to lash out or emotionally numb themselves towards us. There is a person under those symptoms who means the world to us.

Is your husband getting any kind of treatment at all, or is he untreated because he thinks he's fine?
 
It's okay, you seem like a great person.

Hmmm, him assaulting you and similar doesn't seem like a good...

Thank you, I try to be!
Assaulting me is not a conscious thing so I usually try to fall asleep after cuddling him to sleep so I can get to the other side of the bed and I sleep really light now so I can wake him when he starts having nightmares. (I have perfected my gentle wake and quickly move away technique!)

He won't get therapy because he believes he is coping. I suggested anger management once but he told me his anger keeps him alive and that was the end of that!
 
Really wierd. He doesn't seem to be aware of the seriousness of his own disorder...
 
I do the "throat clear" at night when he starts moaning and twitching... That's usually enough to wake him before I get accidentally popped, kicked, or covered by 250 pounds of combat vet.

You can hardly blame them for something they do in their sleep, but does your husband knows he has choked you during his night terrors?
 
That is absolutely true... But sometimes the lines are blurred. There are philosophical debates on here all the time about whether actions done in a dissociative or triggered state are truly abusive.

For instance, there is a big difference between getting kicked during a night terror and being yelled at because your sufferer isn't managing their stressors well.

But like you said... Willingness to get treatment is a major factor. It's a difficult situation if somebody knows they are choking their partner during night terrors but still don't think they need any kind of treatment. That demonstrates a lack of responsibility.
 
I think that perhaps I wasn't clear? I'm saying that if someone is aware of the fact that they are hurting other people (intentional or not), yet refuses to even try to change, then the choice is to continue this inadvertent harm. The choice isn't in the initial behavior. The choice is in not attempting to stop hurting others. Framed in this way, we do have a choice.
 
Welcome @G86! This is exactly the place to come.

My husband's ex could have written an identical post to you. He wouldn't go to his GP as he refused to accept that there was a problem; neither of them had any idea he had PTSD. It played a large part in why they split (although there was another major factor too).

My hubby didn't get help until it was almost too late; he had a psychotic break and tried to kill himself. It was then that he was diagnosed.

Just over three years later he is on medication which makes a huge difference (I've not been night-ninja'd in a very long time and he reversed his car into a wall, causing a huge dent, but no swearing or outburst). He had some CBT and goes to group therapy, although is still on the waiting list for trauma therapy.

Unless your fiance is prepared to get help, there is not much you can do, other than protect yourself whilst supporting him as best you can, whilst you can.

Has he been formally diagnosed? Do you know what the doctors advised him in terms of treatment?

Take care of yourself, and good luck :hug:
 
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