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Hope's Mental Imagery

Discussion in 'General' started by goingonhope, Jan 17, 2007.

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  1. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

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    WARNING: If you plan on submitting your own mental imagery interview for assessment, DO NOT read the proceeding first, instead fill out your own interview first, then read these, so your current mental image is not skewed, resulting in a possible inaccurate emotional state being returned to you.


    This is an imaginery journey down a road. Take in the sights, sounds and colours, just like a video camera recording all that lies surrounding you. Survey the scene, noticing what is far off in the distance, the background surrounds, the weather, the season and a total image of what you view. Feel the ground beneath your feet. Try to visualize it as a picture on a canvas, but with movement, sound, colour and emotion. You are the surveyor on this journey. Draw your journey on paper if you desire, as it often shows clearer results, then attach your drawing via snapshot or scan to your post.

    Q1. What color is the road? I left the grey road and began my walk upon the sandy brown in color road.
    Q2. What texture is the road? I walked from the badly damaged, along the edges, grey, cement road to a dirt road in which I trudge along as it is often quite difficult to walk; The rocks and ledge are partially buried within and protruding causing me to often trip and stumble.
    Q3. How solid is the road? The road I’m now walking is solid as a rock, but again rocks of different sizes generously scattered about and most deeply embedded in the ground.

    You continue walking and come to a river that must be crossed. There before you is the river; the size and depth are up to you. You cannot go around it but must imagine a way to cross it. Whatever you need to cross the river is already within your mind, just imagine seeing yourself do it.

    Q4. How do you cross the river? Gently dive beneath water, come up for air quickly and than swim across. This is where and when I feel alive and can hear the long familiar sounds of wildlife. Can spot a star or two in the sky and feel the cool refreshing water, especially enjoyed upon my face and hair. I feel exhilarated, yet somewhat anxious from the anticipation of my exhaustion right ahead of me.
    Q5. What does the water look like? Midnight blue in some areas from the reflection of the moon and rather dark almost black in other areas of the clean and very refreshing water; It’s harmless and warm, but unless I'm immersed in the moment I feel most frightened, even terrorfied, at times.
    Q6. How fast is the water current? Not to fast, not to slow, just right and steady.
    Q7. Is there anything in the water? If so, what? No! With the exception of schools of little fishy’s deep down below swimming about. Well yes, perhaps there are other water dwellers, but I don’t know what they are, or where they are, or what they might be doing, as their not anywhere’s near me to the best of my knowledge.

    You have crossed the river and continue walking. You come to a house. Take a good look at the house. Notice the impression it makes on you.

    Q8. What colour is the house? Red brick with black iron railing fencing surrounding the entire property and two gates, one for the entrance to the front yard and one exiting the large back yard. The landscape is dressed up and designed very carefully and well done with attractive bushes, plants and a tree or two in the yard and tall, fun evergreens bordering the fronts foundation and separating the front yard, from the sides and the back yard.
    Q9. What condition is the house in? Outside: attractive and immaculate & inside: homey, antiquely artistic, cozy & comfortable, welcoming, well maintained and impressive.
    Q10. Does anyone live in the house? If so, who? Yes, but who I don’t know as the house is for the time being empty and I imagine perhaps an older woman, her husband and their child live in it, but are away on vacation. Or perhaps, something bad has happened to them.

    We continue forward in our minds journey and come to an open field. A cup is on the ground, and we stop to examine it. The cup can be of any size, shape, colour and description. Focus on it's look, condition and contents.

    Q11. What colour is the cup? Copper, a chalice
    Q12. What condition is the cup in? Good, but weathered (tarnished)
    Q13. Is there anything in the cup? If so, what? A single, large drop of red wine

    You continue walking down the road and come to something blocking your path. It stops you in your tracks and prevents you from going forward. This is an obstacle.

    Q14. What is the obstacle, and please describe it in detail? If I must come to an obstacle, then it’s certain to be the enormous, tall, smooth, round boulder blocking the entire dirt road; A daunting obstruction. Thought the boulder itself is clean, everything surrounding it is dank in appearance and sensation. I'm chilly and the obstacle size most shocking. There is no place whatsoever to grab hold of or place my foot upon to climb over. Alone I cannot pass, unless I enter into the edge of the dark woods or threatening marsh on my left and right and then search diligently for the way around.
    Q15. What do you see beyond the obstacle? I see nothing beyond the obstacle as I cannot see up and above. I do however imagine that there is miles more of continuing dark road to travel alone, before I can even hope to consider the possibility of the road ever ending and arriving anywhere.
     
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  3. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

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    Hope's, start at a, Self-Analysis

    Now you have had a break, go back to every question and look at your response. Try and find what you feel that your mind presented the image it did. Explain colours you chose, textures, water, cup, solids, liquids, space, objects, people, anything and everything that you wrote from your projected image, try and find what you feel to why you have that image. Don't look hard at things, instead try and look for the easy answers, as they are often the correct one's. Don't attempt to find something that isn't present, just look at each aspect for its absolute simplicity.

    This is not an absolute, but something you must do in order to try and self analyse yourself. This is important. Please answer what you can, and simply define if you cannot find an emotion to a response you gave.


    • The grey, cement road from which I left was suggestive of a long dead end road which left the outside world behind and entered a small quiet neighborhood of 3 to 4 homes. Here is how and among those, I've lived with for sometime now. These families and their homes, lay just outside the start of a dark, midnight journey. I think I saw it significant that I was there, among the hope of possible interaction with at least a few other people, until I willfully chose to step forth, journey and temporarily walk alone upon this road which goes along in the nearly pitch black darkness. There are woods and marsh on either side of much of my dirt road. I think I chose to travel it alone, because this is how it has always been. No one else is or has ever been interested, determined, brave and/or crazy enough to invite within them any personal discomfort, predicament or challenge. I often feel as if most everyone I’ve known is rigid, out of touch with reality, emotionally numb and irrational, some very close too if not already spiritually dead inside; a highly addictive society by nature. And, I chose to travel it alone because I don’t really trust, believing and forever fearing that anyone coming along with me would in an instant turn on me and attack, for kicks, pleasure, excitement, to feel, power, ect.

    The firmly packed, dirt road with protruding rock I think might be others resistance of me reclaiming myself and taking hold of self-esteem and personal power. As well as, my many tasks and responsibilities and the building stress.

    The description of a badly, damaged cement road is reflective of the true condition of my relationships and my feelings toward and with the few people in my life, as they are based upon my well crafted pretense and façade.

    Perhaps the reason I state that the road I’m now journeying along is solid as a rock is because it is based upon reality and not pretense, ie. recognition of personal trauma, honesty and safe disclosure.

    *Anthony, don't know if this is much of a start on a self-analysis. Am I on the right track, wrong track, no track?lol Am I doing this somewhat right?
     
  4. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

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    Hope's cont. Self-Analysis, -The Water

    • I think I chose to dive beneath the water because there’s not much, if anything, that I won’t dive head first into if it provides hope of renewal and/or healing. And, then of course, I must come up for air as the experience in itself can be over stimulating, almost like a shock to my system as I have not yet grown accustomed to familiarity and acceptance of self, the belief that I am worthy and trust in life‘s goodness. I have been self-sabotaging, martyring, rejecting and stamping-out self, more often than not throughout my life.-(shame), (believing my abusers lies as if these are my own).

    Swimming across, well that is simply what I do. I’m a survivor and I’ll make it to the other side; I swim under any and all conditions. I don’t drown / give-up, and I won't if I can see even the slightest bit of hope that another side exists. And, even when I cannot, I may suffer much, but I’m going to survive for a long time just out of sheer instinct, principle and God given strength.

    The midnight blue water I find very refreshing and sustaining. The area of water which is dark from a lack of lighting and almost black, is warmer, stiller and can be very frightening as danger lurks and anything might happen, at any moment from outside my control and I’ll be under attack and far less likely to survive. Now in fact, I can also envision these dark waters as harmless as there is no real abusers, in my life, violating me at the present and have not been for sometime. I still always anxiously await their sudden, cruel and vicsious surprise return. Much along the lines of what my step-dad use to say often to me, “When you least expect it, expect it!” ….then boom!

    Schools of little fishy’s represent to me cluster of people and their conforming and pacifying one another, perhaps even bullshitting simply to go along, to get along. They mind their own business and are not a threat to me. The possibility and/or likelihood of other water dwellers individually existing and hidden from site, reflect to me that mix of people who may make sudden appearances at any time and scare the life out of you, but not harm you otherwise and those (jekyll's & hydes) or (threatening creatures) which are quite capable and surfacing and tearing me and others to shreds without a seconds thought. The anxiety in all this for me is who’s hiding where and when? Will they surface or not? And, will they attack or not?

    Why I responded as I did on the speed of the current, I haven’t a clue.
     
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  5. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

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    Hope's cont. Self Analysis -The House

    • Perhaps I saw brick, fencing surrounding the entire property and tall evergreens, because of my desperate unsatisfied need and craving for safety and security much of my entire life. This front, above others, is more likely to keep others out, unless invited in, and me safe to live my life from within. Then if there is any possibilities of sharing love and values with other family members it won’t be influenced and disrupted by the onslaught of others and subject to the outside world with all its many forms of predators.

    The very carefully designed landscape may reflect an image and pretense I present to the outside world that I can handle things, I can manage and that I’m alright and doing well, when in fact I search for my lost spirit and feel much emptiness inside. I like to be in control of what others will see and won't see in me, depending upon my level of trust. Presenting myself, perhaps in disguise, in my efforts to control others perception of me. Slipping into spells of seeking a negative reflection of me, with the subconscious goal of eliminating people from my life. Also, choosing to present that all is well, while in reality not, and even while self-destructing and in quiet desperation taunted emot. and ment. from within.

    The house is presently empty, and while I entertain the notion that all is well and the family will return, I seriously doubt this reality. Perhaps, presently reflective of much insecurity.

    The condition of the inside of the house as well as me envisioning the memory of a woman, working within the kitchen and providing much love and nurturing to her family.

    [something I saw within my mental imagery, but neglected to mention as in fact the house was presently empty, but I could still see almost a ghostly image of her (a memory) and the family that once was];

    This all speaks to me that if I follow through with the completion of my healing, the lights will come back on, heat and warmth will permeate the home, and family activity, sharing and life can begin again. And, there will be many surprises in store. Many of which will emanate from within the strength and heart of that woman and will be shared. I suspect that my image of the memory of this woman who once was at home, but is presently gone is suppose to be symbolic of me. However, I have no clue or reason to believe that she and her family will ever return. I can only blindly continue to hope, when able, for now.
     
  6. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

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    Hope's cont. Self Analysis -The Cup

    • This field, as I approached it was daylight. The copper chalice with a single drop of red wine in symbolic of life to me. The field, symbolic of life and hope. The cup itself and it’s condition is symbolic of my life. I think perhaps there is much hope in my life for finding and reclaiming me and my life and therefore family life and joy. Because in the mental imagery process I picked up that chalice, I drank that single drop, and I carried away with me that chalice. As I stood in front of the overwhelming boulder that lay as an obstacle in my path, I had that chalice still in hand.
     
  7. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

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    Hope's completed Self Analysis -The obstacle

    • As far as my response to the suggestion of an obstacle in my path, I think that I could feel unnerved, aggravated and even angry at the suggestion of an obstacle upon this journey, if this was anything more than a mental imagery process; Like life itself. Much of my present day anger is fueled by the seemingly insurmountable obstacles in my life, and I most often believe that they are put there because of other people unnecessarily creating them and having placed and continuing to place them before me.

    Yet, having introduced an obstacle into this imagery I see a massive boulder, so smooth and without nitches of any sort to provide help, rather making it appear impossible, to climb over and get passed. This to me is symbolic of the insidiousness and depth of the pscyh. abuse I am traumatized with.

    I also said that, surrounding the enormous boulder, it was dank in appearance and sensation. This to me reflects general resistance (both from within and without) and the relentlessness of all the negative forces which reinforce the obstacle, increasing the psychol. impact, ie. feelings of deep depression, hopelessness & helplessness, despair.

    Perhaps, I see nothing beyond this obstacle because of my stuck and lodged, intense emotional fears of complete and utter abandonment, the impact of trauma upon me, and my most negative and sickening feelings of emptiness and fear of impotence and lifelessness which lie deeply buried within me, and in fact details the very way I felt, at under 5 yrs. old, and while be traumatized by my father. One particular trauma which comes to mind is my two sisters and I locked in between two doors next to our basement ball-ked. I had sat there in a tunnel of dirt, curled up in the fetal position and literally petrified stiff, while one sister fought off my fathers violent, sometimes cunning attempts to get beyond those doors, beat us to death, slice us and kill us.
     
  8. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    You feel a sense of confusion within life, likely due to feeling unappreciated, depreciated even. You feel life is difficult right now, and you’re very aware of this difficulty. You feel as though you progress forward regardless, though your being held back by a present secret you keep, possibly due to the feeling off being controlled by another. Your trusting and enjoy intimate relationships, though you maintain a secret here that you are very aware. You would like to think you don’t approach intimacy with haste, yet you are very impulsive to get involved. You feel highly emotional from the sadness that surrounds your support systems in life. You show good support systems are currently present, though you demonstrate a low self esteem. You place a high value on commitment and can often be more concerned about materialistic values. You feel your commitment is healthy, though you have commitment towards someone, or something, else other than your partner (if spouse present), something alcoholic, which could simply define someone or something more fun. You are faced with a significant unexpected problem or situation at present, which you see no future to look forward as a result of this problem / situation.

    Hope, how does this stack up against what is going on within your mind?
     
  9. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

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    Unappreciated, depreciated, secrets, controlled......

    Jan. 20th, was my first day back from the my retreat. I found this mental imagery analysis early that evening. I was stunned and impressed with the result, read it many times over and that evening was able to make connections between statements you posted anthony and what's what in my life. I allowed my husb. to read the results as well, he did so with much interest and attention.

    Even all these days later, I particularly remember that night bc it was highly unusual. In addition to something new to me, the analysis of my emot. state, I also allowed myself to listen to an audio record. of my hurt, anguish and rage that filled my emot. release work just the day prior. I was still somewhat stunned by the intensity of the retreat and when I had attempted to go to an AA meeting, I was curled up forward, feeling ill and exhausted and shaking badly enough I didn't stay.

    Also that evening my husb. abruptly acted in a fit of anger toward me, for no good reason. I had asked him if I could rest my head upon his lap while lying across the couch and though he allowed this, he was no longer the least bit present and was agitated by my interruption of just another one of his required space-out times - TV. I layed there hurting and hoping he'd reach out in any way whatsover and be the least bit loving. Nothing! As if I wasn't even there. I became very conscious, of the connections I had mentally made from this analysis and they were penatrating every brain cell. Still Nothing, even though it was obvious I was very sad and hurting, he did not respond or acknowledge me at all, and this time I just couldn't deny anything anymore. I sat up, bent-over, curled up, cried and accidentally blurted out as if he were speaking. Some of my words, I recall: "Stay, away from me T, don't ever come near me, don't ever touch me. I don't want you near me. Don't bother me T" ...and other very revealing ideas became evident as I lost control in much grief. And, all which resulted in him seeing very clearly how hurt I was feeling from his yrs. of emot. and phys. shut-down from me.

    This initially made him very, very angry and he jumped up, screamed at me and told me to fk' myself, and screamed some more. Now the interesting part of this is that I would normally react with anger and I didn't, I very naturally responded with vulnerability, sadness and hurt, and he wasn't prepared for this. He cont. screaming meanly at me and saw I wasn't angry, just hurt and wounded. Then, I saw him, and he now suddenly seemed completely off balance, having not received the response he expected.

    My point in telling this is that night afterwards we ended up talking a great deal. I was able to be honest, open, even reveal secret feelings, even a secret between him and I that I never had before. And, one of these secrets directly related to me feeling rejected and betrayed, shut-off and shut down from my sexual self and controlled. My God, I'm 39 yrs. old! And, this has been going on for too long, now.

    Anyhow, husb. gave me much needed attention, comforted me with hugs and later took the initiave to invite me to make love with him. Now this Never, Ever, Never, Ever happens, anymore........Listening without being annoyed, agitated and angry with me, hugs, intimacy, initiative, love-making. Wow!

    Now though the frightening and hurtful scene in our livingroom preceded the good that followed and it may seem very unadvisable to accept so soon, and forgive his lack of understanding, and to trust him, I did. And, I'm glad, bc now for the last nearly 3 wks. we have both felt close again and have been more attentive to and respectful of one another. He's been very much more rational, reasonable and thoughtful of me and is once again sexually open (not shut-down / closed off) in our relationship. We are again enjoying one another's company, more sensitive of each others feelings and hopeful in our marriage and life together.

    So yes, absolutely I did feel very unappreciated and depreciated and for sometime now. I need to be more vulnerable and more honest with him about what I'm really hurt or upset about and not be angry with him. Reminds me of the iceburg of emotions. If I'm hurt thats what I should feel, hurt....not instant anger....so on and so forth. And, I certainly hope he'll continue to and will be able and willing to be vulnerable and loving with me too, and eventually learn about misplaced anger.

    And as far as my confusion and deep hurt of feelings of being unappreciated and depreciated it likely goes further.
     
  10. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

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    Certainly stacks up, anthony. Very accurate so far as I can see and has been quite helpful. Well done, and thanks.

    Hope
     
  11. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

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    Intimacy, haste & impulsiveness

    This here, I don't quite necessarily relate with in my present. Perhaps true in examples from my past, but certainly not presently.

    Unless this intimacy referred to also includes, the longing for mutual friendship, with understanding, confidence, trust and closeness that I would hope to find in a friendship, well then the above is unclear.

    As I am not impulsive to get involved intimately & sexually with anyone. Memories and thoughts of past exhilarating sexual experiences are sometimes there, (in my mind) but I personally try not to be to hard on myself for that. Only very, seldom would I fantasize about intim./sexually and hastily getting involved with a real person from the present, but would never dream of outwardly acting upon this. Some married people may understand this.

    Guilty of fantasies yes., not that I personally believe there should be any guilt associated with this, as it's so natural. Well at least it is for me. I'm always in need of a good confession and presently struggling to get back to the church. Why? For no other reason than that's where I believe I belong.

    I'm asking myself, why am I talking about sex? Well, I like it alot! And, for a little while there I feared I must have gotten more than my fair share when I was younger, (though this isn't true), and feared, now fate would have it, no more for me. And though I considered, I must have been a bad girl, I believed myself miserably cheated bc shortly after a rape, at 19 yrs. old., the intimacy and good sex nearly all came to an end and was replaced with something I'm yet to understand. Much of which I truly believed myself helpless and restrained from choose in the matter and felt threatened and horribly imposed upon.

    Back on the subject of intimacy and the present. Husb. and I are always struggling to create time for and with one another, and sometimes finding it. We do Love one another, and so there is much hope, and as far as intimacy it's something that comes most natural at times and then sometimes takes effort and even a struggle.

    As life has to be one of the most complicated things to live at times. What with all life's complications and the issues of human beings. And with some human beings, more issues than others.
     
  12. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    What it refers too hope, is that your struggling at your sub-conscious with what you have done in this area within your past, hence why it is present. Your sub-conscious is not necessarily about any particular time, but more about what is bothering you now. Its merely up to you in order to match up when these particular events occured within your life. You did this, being your past.
     
  13. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

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    Thank you anthony, I understand now.
     
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