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How can abuse survivors heal/find peace when society blames them?

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I am sure there are parents out there who can engage in "safe spanking". What does this mean? No objects? Open palm? Don't leave a mark? This happened to me and it was terrefying.
I think "safe spanking" poses HUGE risks for it to turn into abuse. I think 'safe spanking' could actual count as psychological abuse. It is dehumanizing, shaming, and embarassing. Even if it follows the guidelines.
Okay, so.....a big part of abuse investigations is talking to the children. That helps frame things and we (most of the time) need some sort of outcry to move forward with an investigation anyway. Personally, IMO, "safe spanking" is a compromise. It is not against the law to spank your kids (within reason, within the guidelines I explained above), but if we just told parents that and left it at that? Hell no, that gray area leaves way too much room for interpretation. So, they developed "guidelines for safe spanking" to try and address that gray area. Is it a perfect system? NO. Do parents have the right to spank their kids? YES. Should they be doing so if it is "terrifying" or "traumatizing" to the child, as you said it was for you? NO. And, if I had a spanking/potential physical abuse case and talked to the kid and there were signs that they were terrified or traumatized due to the spanking? Then yeah, that's a problem and not your average, run of the mill spanking.

I don't want to take this thread into a debate on whether spanking is good or bad. The point is, it's legal and parents still use it as a discipline method, so we (as a system) have to deal with it. If you don't like it and don't use spanking in your family? Great, then you don't have to deal with it, and your children's kids probably won't have to deal with it then either. I know that no good comes from comparing abuse, but honestly? I have a hard time getting worked up over spanking when I had toddlers with STDs from daddy or high school coaches coercing oral sex from students.
 
I really wish more people would read studies about physical abuse, instead of assuming and judging it as insignificant. So, no one believes that legalizing corporal punishment might be related to why some people grow up to sexually abuse others? Studies have shown that physical abuse victims are just as suicidal as sexual abuse victims and that the effects are very similar. Page 26 of "Child Sexual Abuse: A guide for health professionals," by Celia Doyle states that most adult who beat their children won't admit that they're doing it for sexual gratification, and that it can count as sexual abuse.

It's not fun growing up being slapped, whipped, choked, scratched, bitten in the arm, and shouted at and sworn at; it's not fun to be dismissed and told your abuse is legal when you know that it isn't because abusive adults were put in jail for committing these same acts; it isn't fun to feel like you have to keep the abuse a secret from everyone because it feels shameful, almost like incest; it isn't fun to be suicidal as a teenager and throughout your 20s because abusive adults refuse to help and choose to blame you; it's not fun to be single and always alone because your peers avoid you and aren't interested in dating you and even don't want to bother trying to be your friend because you're quiet (due to abuse and bullying) which they find odd, strange, or weird, just because you weren't lucky enough to have the same life as other, happy outgoing kids who grew up with nice, college-educated parents in loving homes; it's not fun to have people dismiss your feelings and abuse as insignificant when they don't know the hell that you went through as a child, the suicidal thoughts you went through for years because your life seemed so messed up and not worth living because you're not "normal" like most other people, and had to struggle to pull yourself out of because no one was there to help or comfort you.

(sarcasm)
Thanks, America, for legalizing hitting children and continuing on the generational cycle of abuse; I really enjoyed having a crappy childhood and love struggling with self-hate as an adult.
 
I also forgot to mention that it also affects looking for a job because employers expect employees to be confident, which is hard to do when you were constantly hit and shouted at.

Physical abuse, like sexual abuse, is an attack on the body. Physical abuse survivors do feel shame about it, too.

I feel empathy for all abuse victims, including sexual abuse victims when I read studies and articles, but I had no idea that sexual abuse victims here might not feel the same way about mine. That's pretty disappointing, as I thought I'd find like-minded people and not be so alone, but, as usual, I'm rejected by people.
 
I also forgot to mention that it's not fun going through all of that abuse, and then having your abusers tell you to commit suicide. Just because a person's genitals aren't being touched or penetrated doesn't mean they're not being hurt; some survivors who were whipped said that their genitals were aroused against their will and that, to them, that felt like sexual abuse: they didn't want that to happen, but their abuser(s) didn't care.

Studies show that more people are physically abused than sexually abused. It's pretty insulting and frustrating that physical abuse survivor's stories of pain are swept under the carpet, and so, the abuse continues on, generation after generation.
 
I really wish more people would read studies about physical abuse, instead of assuming and judging it as insignificant. S...

You're equalizing spanking with abuse when a previous poster made it quite clear that these are two separate things.

You're also making generalizations about how only uneducated people hit their kids. This is pretty damn offensive if I must say so myself.

Abuse cuts through ALL segments of society.
 
I also forgot to mention that it also affects looking for a job because employers expect employees to be confident, which...

And for the love of GOD, please STOP equating physical abuse with sexual abuse!

I've dealt with both......I realize that you may indeed feel like your physical abuse is inferior to others sexual abuse, as that is how I read your replies, but there is no need to compare traumas. Both sexual abuse AND physical abuse are heinous in their own right.
 
You really don't have to ask too many parents before it becomes clear that what is "reasonable" is far from obvious or universally understood.

When things are that murky, and the outcome when this goes wrong is so devastating to a child? I personally favour just drawing the line in the only place where the child is safe: which is making capital punishment the same as assault.

Hitting kids? Not okay. That makes it nice and clear - people need to find other ways of teaching their kids right and wrong. There are other ways. "It's cultural" doesn't cut it for me as a reason to assault people - kids and adults alike.

As soon as you allow some forms of capital punishment, you will inevitably get parents who will argue (and often, genuinely believe) that their version is acceptable, when in fact their child is being abused, and is being traumatised. This isn't true of all parents, but the consequences when it goes wrong are too high.

I don't personally see much value in equating a small slap on the hand with sexual abuse. But I can very much understand how this argument would seem incredibly invalidating to victims of physical abuse. I was sexually assaulted as a child, and I think that most often, not always, it is something very different. But if someone were to be arguing in favour of legalising mild forms of sexual contact with children? I'd be pretty sickened. So, legalising even just mild forms of physical abuse? I couldn't in conscience support that.

I appreciate the argument "This could become a pest to have to investigate if kids were to start making complaints about every single small slap on the hand". But there isn't much evidence that complaints would, in fact, send the phones into meltdown. And better that we're inconvenienced by investigating minor or non issues than we end up legalising abuse. IMO.

Ragdoll Circus
 
Really you can cut the "Thanks America" crap because I already put up a link that says 90% of the global population has this attitude about corporal punishment in the home.

Also disagree with the aspect of sexual gratification though I expect for some that could be... definitely not my personal experience.

Like I said, attitudes have been changing since 1989... but hey, go ahead and bang your gong.
 
I really wish more people would read studies about physical abuse, instead of assuming and judging it as insignificant.
It is not insignificant. And what do I need to read studies for? I worked in the system for years, dealing with child victims and perps on a daily basis, and studied both physical and sexual abuse in undergrad. There is no judgement from me here. And maybe my above comment: "I know that no good comes from comparing abuse, but honestly? I have a hard time getting worked up over spanking when I had toddlers with STDs from daddy or high school coaches coercing oral sex from students." comes off as insensitive, and for that I apologize, but this...

being slapped, whipped, choked, scratched, bitten in the arm, and shouted at and sworn at
is not spanking. This is physical abuse.

then having your abusers tell you to commit suicide
This is emotional abuse. (A form of abuse that is an "outcome" option for the Department, but that is, unfortunately, harder to verify/prove than other forums of abuse.)

It's pretty insulting and frustrating that physical abuse survivor's stories of pain are swept under the carpet, and so, the abuse continues on, generation after generation
It is frustrating that abuse continues. No one here is trying to sweep anything under the carpet.

Are you okay, @Otul? You seem to have gotten more upset since your initial post. As you said, victim blaming is not okay, and children don't deserve to be "hit/whipped". I am agreeing with you. But, as you also said, there are laws surrounding physical discipline and, they just match up with your own (and some of the other commenter's) opinions on physical discipline. That, however, does not mean that "most Americans" feel any sort of way.

You were abused by people that should have been taking care of you. I can't imagine what that feels like, and I can imagine it to he hard to trust anyone moving forward. But I don't think anyone is blaming you here, nor does society have the right to blame you. Maybe try not to get so caught up in the laws regarding physical discipline and spanking, because you were not spanked. You were abused.
 
which is hard to do when you were constantly hit and shouted at.
For what it's worth, I have been in two romantic relationships with domestic violence (one past, one current). So I can imagine what this feels like.
 
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