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How can i trust t again

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Hope1969

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i was in therapy for 2 years. Second year 2 times a week. My t was amazing in the first year. I couldn't believe that I found someone so proffesional, smart and with sense of humor. After the first year I started to have flashbacks of sexual abuse. I was terrified and didn't want to deal with it. She suggested that we deal with it slowly and a much as I want. I agreed and there started the worst year of my life. She doesn't specialized in trauma. But she did her best and I appreciated that very much. After 6 month something happened. She started to look distant and I was not sure that she was with me in the room. After a while she became inpatient and angry with me. When i told her that I don't feel she cares anymore she got angry and called my behavior passive agrresive. The energy in the room was of an abuse. She said that she will not accept being abused by me. And then told me I m not a Plesent person and I am like a burden. The next time she looked worried and asked how I feel after the last meeting. I tried to please her so said that I thank her for her boldness. It became worse and worse. And I took a break from the therapy. She got angry and wished good luck by SMS. And that's the way it was over.

Now after 6 month I think that she was good t that decided to treat trauma without experience. She got burned out. Tired. She was very experienced T with a big position in a hospital. She lectured in university and thought she could handle it. The transference and counter transference in sexual abuse is terrible and it was too much for her. I have learned from the good she gave me nod from the bad.

I have new therapist. Specialize in sexual trauma. She say it's not my fault what happened with the old t. And encourage me to speak about the trauma when I'm ready. But I can't. I can't do it again. I see the difference. I feel that this time the therapy is about me and not bout the t. All the space is for me and it's strange. I am afraid that she will not be able to hold the space like the old one. I want to tell her but I can't.

Did you ever had same experience?
What can I do?

Thank you !!!
 
If I followed your post correctly than I was in a somewhat similar position.

First a clarifying questi...
After the SMS I asked for a meeting. She already gave my time to someone else. It was a shock for me. We met and she said she feels I need another kind of style maybe relational therapy ( she treated more in the psychoanalytical method). I asked if this how 2 years of treatment will end? No closure meeting ? She said she is very busy with a big study and don't have time. Maybe in one month she will have time. I felt like a bug In the room that she kicked out. I never came back or called again.

2 weeks after the last meeting I started to go to the new t. I'm 6 month I the new treatment. She is very nice. But I am afraid to be attached and kicked out again.
 
I’m so sorry for what you went through when hour first t! So awesome that you’re aware it was her countertransference and had nothing to do with you. How do you trust someone new? Well, what is your other option? Not trusting? Shutting down? Which option serves you better? I understand you’re afraid and you don’t have to rush it at all but you CAN do this. You said you can’t and that’s never true. We can do whatever we damn well want. You’re CHOOSING to not disclose and that’s completely your choice. But don’t get caught up in “can’ts”.
 
So my T... I think he was maybe burning out anyway. And then he got cancer. And he left and got treatment but when he came back the commitment really wasn't there. And he kept leaving for trips and then sometimes he was leaving for treatment. So the schedule was completely unpredictable. And I got triggered one time (funny, I don't remember why) but it must have been bad. I had never called him before.. He called back but was fairly dismissive and charged me for the time. (Being charged for a phone call had never been discussed). Then he was going on a 3 week trip but forgot to tell me. So I found out the session before he was going, that he'd be gone and my next session was canceled. He didn't see what the big deal was that he forgot to tell me. While he was gone, even more triggering stuff happened. I was suicidal. So he comes back and announces that after this visit he would be here one more week and he could maybe squeeze me but then he'd be on a trip (or going to treatment, I am not sure which) for a month. I told him I was in trouble I told him I was suicidal. I asked him to set something up for me while I was gone. This annoyed him. The next week came, and I asked him what he had set up for me. He acted surprised and said he supposed, maybe else in the practice could see me if I really needed it. And that was it. I did see him a few more times after that but really it was done and I never trusted him again.

So, when I started with my new T, we talked about our relationship a lot. We talked about my relationship with my old T some, but at the time I guess I was afraid she would think I had been the problem in the relationship. When it did come up though, she always was really helpful and supportive without placing undo blame on my old T which probably would have confused me. We talked less about what went wrong but how I wished it had gone. And that helped us build a good relationship. Because I was actually able to figure out what I wanted and say it and she was able to reassure me she could provide it, or be very forthright and say how does things. And if she seemed to be saying no to something I wanted, she was good at talking about why I wanted it, what she could provide and asking me if that was enough. She encouraged me to ask her questions about the process and I did. A lot. And that really helped. And almost every time I asked a question it was a bit scary, but it was really good and helped build the best therapeutic relationship I've ever had.
 
Im so sorry that you had such a bad experience with your last T. Good for you for finding a new T and this one seems to have the right credentials to suit your needs. Take the time you need and what you are comfortable with to build the relationship and maybe you could also talk to her about the transference that happened before with your previous T and your fears of being abandoned - she will have heard it before and will know how to deal with it.
I wish you all the best
 
@Muttly i am so sorry for your experience with your ex T. I can understand that T's are human and have problems of their own. And yet I expect them to be proffesional about it and not To go on with a therapy they can't handle anymore.

A good friend who is therapist herself said that what my T did is terrible because she didn't explain what went wrong or said that she have personal issues at the moment. she just kicked me out from therapy after 2 intensive years and left me thinking that it was because of me. she said that she didn't have the compassion to let me go with understanding of the situation. 10 years ago my fathers friend got cancer and died. she felt she cant treat anymore so she called each patient and explained shortly what happened and apologize for not being able to treat them. she let them go with respect and compassion.

one thing that I learned from this situation is that even in therapy I have to protect myself. I was naïve to think that if I pay money its not like a regular relationship and I will be safe.

I am glad for you that you trust your new T. hope that it will happen to me too.
 
Thank you all for your responses. it made me think deeper and realized that the issue with my new T is not only trust. she is different from the last T. she is more soft and emotional and very nice person. she doesn't have opinion about what happened to me and what I have to do. my ex T was very strong and self confident. she had very successful career in the hospital and as a researcher and lecturer. she used to tell me about Melanie Klein , Freud, Vinicot. she was an atheist and didn't believe in any spirituality. I admired her, her success in life, her knowledge and her self confidence. I admired her so much that I felt that something was wrong even before the situation became bad and ignored it because she was a role model. I felt strange when she diagnosed a mother from my son's school as Borderline because she got angry with me. she called my business coach also borderline because she made me feel uncomfortable. and I remember thinking what will happen if I will make her angry. am I going to be diagnosed as borderline too? she hated Russian immigrants (don't know why really) she said terrible things about them few times and I ignored it thinking nobody is perfect. she was white privileged rich psychologist who was born to the right family. I was the opposite. I wanted to be part of that too. she told me that she choose very carefully her patients and if I was chosen I can see my self as part of this privileged group. now it sounds so stupid but I bought it because I was desperate to be part of a privileged group and not part of the place I came from.

you see, that problem is mostly with me not her. I admire power and success. and the new T is different. she is modest, gentle, respectful, all the room is mine at these 50 minutes. she mirror things that I say without judgment or an opinion. and it scares me. I am used to Drama and War in relationships. it is so sick.
 
I had a therapist quit on me suddenly because she couldn't handle my memories. No normal separation meeting. Just cold turkey quitting. I found another T right away.

The T that quit was right after I stopped seeing a T who abused her power and authority the entire time I saw her yet I didn't know it.

So I ended up years later with another T who had to help me through what those two bad Ts had done to me.

I've also had a T who usurped my time in therapy with her own stuff.

My current T told me that all of those T's behavior, except the two who helped me, were not therapeutic and some should've lost their licenses to practice.

I confronted the T who used my time for her own agenda and she denied she did most of what I said. I left and never returned.

I've come to the conclusion that some Ts shouldn't be Ts. Period.
 
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