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How Common Are Relationships To End From PTSD?

Discussion in 'PTSD Relationships' started by paul, Feb 2, 2007.

  1. paul

    paul New Member

    i am aware that alot of relationships end because of our service, im just wondering if its common with ptsd.
    the reason im asking is because my wife and i have been separated since may last year because of her involvment with a car forum and the people on it.
    she said it happened as a result of my ptsd.(me not showing feelings etc.)
    the same thing as before has happened and im leaving again im just wonderingif its me blowing things out of proportion or is it seriose enough to end my marriage over.
    jtrag likes this.
  2. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt!

    Paul:

    None of us can tell you if you should stay or go. However, there is something you need to look at. This is an issue of trust. Can you trust your wife? This is about infidilaty (which I can not spell LOL) on your wife's part. When trust is broken, the person who broke it must become transparent. That means that everything she does, says, goes must be backed up with proof. She must be willing to admit to the wrongdoing that broke the trust and to be transparent for as long as it takes for you to rebuild trusting her. That is only an issue that you and your spouse can work out. I do not know if you are willing to attempt to work on the trust issues or if you partner can admit to breaking it and be transparent.

    Also, the blame needs to be worked on. Cheating on a spouse is the sole responsibility of the cheater. Nothing the other spouse says or does can cause that. The cheater needs to take FULL responsiblity for their actions and the cheated on one needs to realize this is not their fault nor responsilbilty.

    I hope that helps some. Perhaps a direction for you to look at?

    bec

    i just wanted to add that this is not a PTSD issue. This is a relationship issue. How do you tell the difference? Do all PTSD spouses cheat and only PTSD spouses? No. But cheating, trust and blame issues are prevelant in relationships world wide and gets blamed on all sorts of crazy issues. This is not about PTSD. Period.
    jtrag likes this.
  3. vcc123

    vcc123 New Member

    Paul, look deeper.. she sounds like she gave up on you and did her own thing.. thats not your fault. I have PTSD.. and right now, I wanna leave.. run from my marriage.. there are complicating factors.. but I'm trying to look deeper at my reasons. Part of my reaction to PTSD is the fight or flight thing.. I'm trying to not be hasty and really SEE why I want to leave. (As many others on this sight have suggested) Its sooo hard being a spouse of someone like us.. my husband is a blessing, but some people can hang in there and some cant.. sounds like your wife stopped trying. Her fault, not yours. Hang in there.. take care of yourself.. and dont let her blame you.
  4. paul

    paul New Member

    thanks for that and what you have said is exactly right,i love my wife but there is no trust at all,everytime i start building a bit of trust something happens.
    i wouldnt call her a cheater because she hasnt gone that far id call her a flirt but to me thats just as bad.
  5. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt!

    Paul: cheating does NOT have to be just sex. It can be emotional, flirting, sharing secrets.. etc.. if it breaks trust and oversteps the boundries of an intimate relationship than that is cheating. Soo... I would call that cheating. Please let us know of your decision and come here for support.. someone is usually around in a 24 hour period.

    bec
  6. mac

    mac New Member

    When people are changed for the worse, they generally become 'toxic' to those around them... add this with all the other variables that can potentially sever a relationship, and the relationship typically doesn't last.
  7. paul

    paul New Member

    i think i will be ending the relationship.she thinks that she hasnt done anything wrong but will continue to go back 5 years describe how i made her feel then use that to justify whats going on now.
    ive told her its not ptsd its her making the wrong decitions that is the issue but still no joy so i think its best to end it as there is no trust and very little love left in either of us.
  8. GR-ass

    GR-ass New Member

    Hugs tight.

    and hugs again.
  9. anthony

    anthony MyPTSD Admin Staff Member Premium Member

    Paul, interesting thread mate. I believe PTSD does have an impact upon our relationships when they head towards imminent death. Depending on how far within our healing process we are, depends on how we often are within a relationship. I was an absolute bastard at times, still can be if pushed hard enough, and that has impacted Kerrie, no doubt at all. Yes, she has done things that impacted me also. We both bring the past in at times, though neither of us generally do it to hurt one another, more if it is relevant to a conversation at the time, but not for defensive purposes. Our past is our past, and can never be forgotten, and can be discussed, its only when our past is used to hurt one another, that is where things change.

    If your wife tells you that your not emotional, chances are your not, and that is PTSD. I do the same things at times, especially if stressed, PTSD will force me to close up tight, and unlocking me takes time, as usual.

    Now this is where things change though, in that if one or the other step over the bounds of trust, cheating, and so forth, then they are not reasons to quantify PTSD, they are very different. If PTSD, or any other issue ends a marriage that is one thing, but when excuses such as flirting or the like are used in conjunction with PTSD, that is wrong regardless who does it, and trust has been lost. If you lose trust, you lose the very basic foundation relationships are built upon. I am the same, yes, I love Kerrie, however; love does not stand in my way if it also means unhappiness. Lots of people stick around in relationships for all the wrong reasons, not the right one's... so the big question is: are you staying or going for the right reasons? If the answer is yes, then you know you have made the right decision.

    Lets be honest, busting from relationships is tough, regardless how much we try and be strong about it, its tough. The fallout always gets both sides, and can go on for months, longer even, regardless how much we often believe it doesn't impact us. If we have been with someone for a long time, we become used to that person, accustomed to having them present within our life. When they are gone, it hurts us, no doubt.... and often these are the times when people step back into wrong decisions, getting back together because of the hurt only, even though they know deep down it is still because of the wrong reasons, not the right.

    Its about clarity I guess.... we must look at what we feel, how we feel, and whether we will be happy or not to live our lives with this person, accepting them how they are, because its not right to change any person for personal benefit. People change going into a relationship, moving from single lifestyle to coupled lifestyle, so people automatically change, but they are often for the good. Relationships move and revolve on trust, and if a person loses that, or they never really had it in the first place, then the relationship is set to fail when it began IMHO.
  10. paul

    paul New Member

    i can be a bastard aswell and have been in the past.
    ive done the angermanagment course aswell as the ptsd course and got alot from both,i try to implement what ive been taught and when i think im going well something is thrown at me and im not allowed to loose my temper because thats ptsd and im sick of that excuse .
    but ill get it everytime, and i dont think im going to get anywhere in this situation.(in regards to having good days)
    thats why i think its time to move on is it the right thing to do? i guess ill find out when i get there.
  11. Terry

    Terry New Member

    Good luck either way Paul.
  12. Lee

    Lee New Member

    Hi Paul,
    Did your wife cheat? Or did she just get involved in this forum to have some interaction with adults who were interested in her? I am asking as you could be my husband right now. You can read my post in the spouses forum. I haven't cheated or been on any forums or anything like that other than talk with friends about things he was putting me through, but I know that when he withdraws from me and becomes and angry/nasty bastard if there was someone around who showed an interest in me and treated me nicely I would be prime for the taking. YOu just end up feeling so lonely and so un-loved. If you can put your hand on your heart and say that you didn't do that, then yes I think that it is your wife's fault this has happened, but if she did this because you 'blocked her out' or treated her like crap because of the PTSD I can almost say for sure she only did it because she was heart-sick from getting no love from her own husband. Hope I don't sound mean, as I don't mean to be, but I wish I could shake my husband at the moment. He says I am 'unloving'. I am unloving sometimes due to the resentment from what he has put me and the kids through and continues to do while he refuses to take medication.
  13. paul

    paul New Member

    no she didnt cheat, i was involved in the forum aswell but i sort of got pushed off the computor.
    well thats how it felt and what youve said is exactly what my wife said.
    but after ive been made aware of what i was doing ive tried my best to change but the same things happen,just not as bad as the first time.
    it just feels that i cant get better if these things keep happening and she has said she wont stop socialising with these people so i dont think i have any other choice.
  14. Lee

    Lee New Member

    Are these bad people, or are you demonising them because you are jealous of the attention they are giving your wife, when you feel incapable of doing so? If all was well with you and your wife, would you be OK with being on the forum together? Do you socialise in person with these people or is it all online? Big one....are you in counselling, on meds and making a plan to get things right between you and your wife or are you just 'coasting' to see what will happen, and crawling into your 'cave' on frequent occassions?
  15. paul

    paul New Member

    most of them i get on well with it and i guess im jealous of the attention mywife gives them.
    we were ion the forum together(i was a member before hand).
    it is both on line and socializing,i only want her to stop talking to those who she has been around when she makes silly discitions.
    i am on meds and ive tried to get things right since may last year but then ill find out she has sent someone that ive asked her not to talk to an email and then i crawl back into my hole,i feel why should i try when it seems she wont.
  16. Lee

    Lee New Member

    Paul, honey, I can hear that you are hurting and that you love your wife....it's just that things are not OK at the moment. Do you have kids? We find that the distraction of everyday life (3 kids, 5 pets and both working full time) hides W's hurt until he ends up exploding...not healthy. If you can at all do it please do yourselves a favour and get away from normal life together even if just for a couple of days. Go somewhere nice and spend the weekend talking about and 'writing down' all the good things you used to like about each other, then what is not so good now and try and work trough it....getting away from everything suddenly clarifies things. This is what saving W & I this last time, only a few weeks ago....
  17. paul

    paul New Member

    we have four kids and i think what you have suggested is a great idea.
    we have sort of started to sort it out so ill see how we go.

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