Hey all,
I don't post much here but I am wondering if you all might be able to give me a hand with something? Can you please help me figure out how to describe PTSD (and what it does to you/feels like) to my oldest daughter (she will be 22 in June so not a child)?
Here is the deal...
I was dx'd with PTSD in 1999 after multiple traumatic experiences that began in early childhood. Although I was 30 by the time I recieved my dx I can not remember a time when this was not me. Because of this I don't really have a "before PTSD" to look back on and figure out what is the disorder and what is me.
I have little to no connection to the body (I often feel as if there is a separate small person inside, peeking out thru my eyes as if they were a window with heavy curtains, I rarely notice pain or hot/cold and a bunch of other stuff I am too tired to get into right now) and my "personality" is cobbled together to the point that often I don't even know if I exist at all.
Growing up I was the strong one...the responsible one. And when I finally moved out I thought that I was the one who managed to survive. After all...I wasn't a drug addict, alcoholic or criminal so I must have been the lucky one...the one who made it out intact. But I was wrong...so very, very wrong and because of that my babies paid the price.
Between the ages of 17-27 I was involved in 3 domestic violence relationships that ranged from bad to crazy, psychotic, I don't even have words bad. My son and three girls are the results of those relationships and the only good things that came from any of them.
In 1998 after multiple attempts to flee the relationship my ex decided to punish me by calling CPS on us. He knew exactly what he was doing and laughed about it later.
My oldest daughter was 2.5 yrs, my middle daughter was 11 mo and I was 33 week preg with my youngest daughter (my son lived with his dad in another state) when they were placed into foster care. I fought for 2 yrs to bring them home but in the end (due to my PTSD, mistakes I made, lack of support, being terrorized by my ex and the foster care system itself) I was unsuccessful. In December of 2000 I released the girls for adoption and 6 months later they were adopted by their foster parents.
Prior to going into foster care my oldest daughter was already showing signs of trauma. This was something I discussed with the children's advocate at the local dv shelter multiple times and something I was very upfront about with the foster care worker (for over a year I fought with her over getting my daughter counseling). Once in care her behavior worsened. As soon as she was adopted her new parents stopped all counseling.
I have been in contact with my oldest since shortly after her 18th birthday (so about 4 yrs). When we first started talking she mentioned that she had been dx'd as bipolar and that her parents had not told her until she graduated and wanted to join the Air Force (they waited until she took the test and was accepted and then said...oh we don't think they will take you because...).
Over the years my daughter has mentioned symptoms here and there but since we were just starting to build a relationship she didn't say too much about anything. But over the last year and a half or so we have become closer and talked more.
Last night she was talking about her anger issues and the fact that she sometimes gets so angry she blacks out. She said that her new meds (Wellbutrin while she is preg) have helped a lot.
I asked her who had dx'd her and when (I was thinking she was maybe 14-16 or something close to that) but she told me that her family doctor had when she was very young but that they had not been able to prescribe meds because she was always underweight.
I asked her if she would consider getting a second opinion. That while it was certainly possible she was bipolar I had concerns because of her past history, the early dx, who had dx'd her, and the fact that I know multiple people who have PTSD that were originally dx'd as bipolar and other mental illnesses.
She said that she would and then she asked me "what does that do to you?" I tried to explain it but I am just not good with that kind of stuff. I get the clinical stuff...it is easy to say (for example) dissociation...but I don't know how to put into words what that feels or looks like. I don't know if I am making sense lol but I hope hou guys will understand.
My girl has a 1 yr old daughter and a boy on the way. I don't want history to repeat itself (again). I just want for her to heal as much as possible and to be able to watch her babies grow up.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. If you made it all the way through I am grateful.
I don't post much here but I am wondering if you all might be able to give me a hand with something? Can you please help me figure out how to describe PTSD (and what it does to you/feels like) to my oldest daughter (she will be 22 in June so not a child)?
Here is the deal...
I was dx'd with PTSD in 1999 after multiple traumatic experiences that began in early childhood. Although I was 30 by the time I recieved my dx I can not remember a time when this was not me. Because of this I don't really have a "before PTSD" to look back on and figure out what is the disorder and what is me.
I have little to no connection to the body (I often feel as if there is a separate small person inside, peeking out thru my eyes as if they were a window with heavy curtains, I rarely notice pain or hot/cold and a bunch of other stuff I am too tired to get into right now) and my "personality" is cobbled together to the point that often I don't even know if I exist at all.
Growing up I was the strong one...the responsible one. And when I finally moved out I thought that I was the one who managed to survive. After all...I wasn't a drug addict, alcoholic or criminal so I must have been the lucky one...the one who made it out intact. But I was wrong...so very, very wrong and because of that my babies paid the price.
Between the ages of 17-27 I was involved in 3 domestic violence relationships that ranged from bad to crazy, psychotic, I don't even have words bad. My son and three girls are the results of those relationships and the only good things that came from any of them.
In 1998 after multiple attempts to flee the relationship my ex decided to punish me by calling CPS on us. He knew exactly what he was doing and laughed about it later.
My oldest daughter was 2.5 yrs, my middle daughter was 11 mo and I was 33 week preg with my youngest daughter (my son lived with his dad in another state) when they were placed into foster care. I fought for 2 yrs to bring them home but in the end (due to my PTSD, mistakes I made, lack of support, being terrorized by my ex and the foster care system itself) I was unsuccessful. In December of 2000 I released the girls for adoption and 6 months later they were adopted by their foster parents.
Prior to going into foster care my oldest daughter was already showing signs of trauma. This was something I discussed with the children's advocate at the local dv shelter multiple times and something I was very upfront about with the foster care worker (for over a year I fought with her over getting my daughter counseling). Once in care her behavior worsened. As soon as she was adopted her new parents stopped all counseling.
I have been in contact with my oldest since shortly after her 18th birthday (so about 4 yrs). When we first started talking she mentioned that she had been dx'd as bipolar and that her parents had not told her until she graduated and wanted to join the Air Force (they waited until she took the test and was accepted and then said...oh we don't think they will take you because...).
Over the years my daughter has mentioned symptoms here and there but since we were just starting to build a relationship she didn't say too much about anything. But over the last year and a half or so we have become closer and talked more.
Last night she was talking about her anger issues and the fact that she sometimes gets so angry she blacks out. She said that her new meds (Wellbutrin while she is preg) have helped a lot.
I asked her who had dx'd her and when (I was thinking she was maybe 14-16 or something close to that) but she told me that her family doctor had when she was very young but that they had not been able to prescribe meds because she was always underweight.
I asked her if she would consider getting a second opinion. That while it was certainly possible she was bipolar I had concerns because of her past history, the early dx, who had dx'd her, and the fact that I know multiple people who have PTSD that were originally dx'd as bipolar and other mental illnesses.
She said that she would and then she asked me "what does that do to you?" I tried to explain it but I am just not good with that kind of stuff. I get the clinical stuff...it is easy to say (for example) dissociation...but I don't know how to put into words what that feels or looks like. I don't know if I am making sense lol but I hope hou guys will understand.
My girl has a 1 yr old daughter and a boy on the way. I don't want history to repeat itself (again). I just want for her to heal as much as possible and to be able to watch her babies grow up.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. If you made it all the way through I am grateful.