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General How Do I Help Him?

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Lmm

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I have been with my fiancé for three years and he has always told me he has PTSD (served two tours in Iraq in the Marine Corp), but I've never really seen it. Looking back and after doing research he definitely displayed symptoms (alcohol abuse was his biggest symptom) but he at least always functioned well in life. About four weeks ago he decided he couldn't handle our relationship anymore because of stress with my ex husband. He totally shut me out. Yesterday I must have gotten through to him when I tried talking to him and he came around for a few hours. But he still said he's fine, doesn't need help from anyone, can handle things himself, etc. Today he's back to where he was, ignoring me and the kids. Not wanting to sleep in the same bed as me even to just lay down next to me and not talk. Says we're not done but "everything's not peachy." Night and day from where he was last night. I expected this to an extent but it still hurts and he's colder than I thought he would be. His family and I are working with the VA to try to get him in for help and his mom and I are going to go in on Friday for advice. He's incredibly stubborn so I feel like we need all the help we can get. Any advice for me in the meantime? I realize I probably just need to leave him alone, but any ideas on solutions would be much appreciated! Thanks!
 
So sorry you're going through this.

I agree with @Sighs... trying to get a stubborn combat vet in the throws of PTSD symptoms to do anything he doesn't want to do is like trying to push a horse-cart sideways. You may not want to put any pressure on him. That doesn't mean you can't appeal to him to go to the VA... I would just watch it. He may feel ganged up on.
 
<chuckling> @Sweetpea76 & @Sighs ...We aren't really that stubborn, are we? Cart sideways. Lmao. Alright, yeah. Yeah we are.

You may not want to put any pressure on him. That doesn't mean you can't appeal to him to go to the VA... I would just watch it. He may feel ganged up on.

@Lmm Ganged up on = blow up & bail... More often than not. Like 5,000 miles away and still cursing, and maaaaybe drunk enough to call in 3 or 4 months. It dovetails rather nicely between betrayal & attack and causes some, ah, extreme reactions.

There are ways around that, but it has more to do with luck and timing than approach. Unless this is something he's on board with? Well. Tread carefully. Or just say eff it and let the pieces fall where they may. But one of those pieces may well be your relationship.

Good news is "Peachy" is Corps-slang. Or at least it used to be. It meant FUBAR with a smile on and not a word to be said about it / cause there's nothing to be done about it. aka sucking it up to get the job done. Mate just died and ya have to go smile your way through something official? Yep. Things are peachy. Pinned down in the mud, and your position is f*cked, so oh f*cking well? Yep things are peachy. If things aren't peachy? They may be all f*cked up, but there's still action that can be taken to fix it. Maybe So if that bit of slang is still in use, it's a good sign things aren't peachy, but a bad sign the word was even brought out at all.
 
Thanks everyone for the advice and input. He is definetly not up for going to the VA or getting help so that's the task at hand but I spoke with someone at the VA today and do have some ideas. I'm just doing my best to avoid him for now and not talk to him since I know that's what he wants/needs.

I've done a lot of research, but the one thing I don't totally understand is why he is shutting me out and being cold to me. I know he's too stressed to handle our relationship right now, but I don't understand why he's so cold to me. So I don't try to wear him down? I feel like the more I understand about this the better I feel (not that any of this is pleasant, just feels good to connect the dots on things) so just looking for some answers.
 
@Lmm , Isolation, avoidance and emotional numbing are symptoms of PTSD. When the stressors get to be too much, sufferers can sometimes numb themselves to emotions and attachments to other people. It is a coping mechanism, or a way to protect themselves.
 
He does tell me that he numbs his emotions. So Sunday he was happy and joking around for a while, did he decide to let go of the numbing for a while? I know you cAn only guess, just curious if that's what sometimes happens.
 
He now wants us to leave as soon as possible. Most of the time he is cold and ignores me, last night we had a conversation (started with a fight) and he ended up apologizing for being cold, he says he still lovers me and it's hard for him too but he has to put up that wall to be strong.

We have a son together that is biologically both of ours. He doesn't say anything to my son, just tells me there is resentment there because of my ex. If my son talks to him he gives him he responds but is very short.
 
I know this is a bit late, but for anyone reading this later on, its definitely best to leave him alone as much as you can (in my experience as a supporter). I had a hard time learning this, you, original poster, seem to have caught on much quicker than I did that that is a great thing for you and your guy. As far as the feeling of him being cold and not really understanding why he is cutting you off... the best advice I can give (which I try to remind myself of when I feel the same way) is that if you dont want him to put up extra boundaries (because it hurts), the best way is to not try to take down the boundaries, but show him that you are trustworthy by respecting his boundaries 100%, and then, maybe, he will decide that the boundary is not needed because you aren't going to invade.
I'm not sure if that applies to original poster's situation, but I hope that bit of realization might help someone the way it helped me
 
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