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How do i respond after the shut out is over? and other questions...

Discussion in 'Supporter Relationships' started by Questioning It All, Aug 12, 2017.

    I am in a very new relationship with a Marine veteran. It has only been 5 months and I am trying to understand PTSD (as far as I can from an outside view) We haven't had any communication, through any medium, for only one day, however the disconnecting began 5 days ago.

    My questions:
    1. How am I to react when he does resurface?
    2. Do I act as though there wasn't any disconnect?
    3. If I do pretend that all is well and I wasn't affected, won't this eventually cause resentment?
    4. Is it possible to have a healthy relationship with someone that constantly checks out?
    5. Am I a weak person for considering if I can support a relationship of this sort?
    6. Does anyone have any success stories to share?
    7. Also, when he cannot make it to therapy is it my job to support that decision or do I gently push him to go?
    8. When I am having issues or want to share with him- should I try communicating or should I have a therapist for when I need to share as to not burden him and over stress him?
    9. In choosing to be with him, am I also choosing to be essentially alone?
    10. How can I grow a thicker skin as to not feel these shut outs so deeply? Should I grow a barrier or become more apathetic so I can keep my feelings safe?
    I have no place to ask these questions, my best friend hasn't the patience for my conversations about him and I've grown tired of being a nuisance. I've recently started looking into therapy for support but I'm in an in between place at the moment.

    I realize that his PTSD, makes what I'm dealing with quite trivial. My wanting to be around him or talk to him is nothing in the scheme of things, however I'm feeling quite confused and alone and I'd truly appreciate any guidance or advice.

    Questioning It All
     
    Linzee, leehalf and Brown Eyes like this.
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  2. Sweetpea76

    Sweetpea76 Semper ubi sub ubi. Moderator Donated

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    It depends on what you can tolerate in a relationship. If you need daily contact, this may not be the relationship for you.

    Isolation and periods of being less communicative are pretty much par for the course with some sufferers. It's not about you, it's about their mental health. It's exhausting for them to deal with anybody else sometimes, and they need a break like a hard reset.

    If you want this relationship to continue, rather than trying to figure out how to handle him, work on your reaction. Realize it isn't about him not wanting to talk to YOU. Realize he's just feeling bad. That's how you learn to not mind periods of radio silence. If he had the stomach flu and was vomiting his brains out, would you feel abandoned if he didn't want to talk to you that day? It's pretty much the same thing. Giving him some space is a loving act. Not taking it personally is a loving act.

    You can have a healthy relationship with a PTSD sufferer. I've been with my vet for years. You learn to relax.
     
    dulcia, illusionist, leehalf and 3 others like this.
  3. Thanks

    Thanks Guest

    Thank you for your response! It was honest and clarifying.
     
  4. Snowflakes

    Snowflakes Hope Premium Member Donated

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    I can answer number 6 and it is directly related to the reply by @Sweetpea76 above.

    I came here to this forum after 10 years of dealing with my sufferer. I had a laundry list of questions as long as yours. I read everyone's story and even wrote my own in the diary section. A lot of people here helped me as I read their experiences.

    Sweetpea76 was the story that gave me hope. Somehow she managed to arrive at that place where I wanted to be. We are all different so it took a lot of time for me to arrive at this place. Does this mean our lives are where it was? Does this mean my sufferer is cured? Does this mean my life is a bed of roses now? No, not yet and it may never get there. But that is no longer the goal. My goal is practicing every day exactly what @Sweetpea76 described in her post. This is my success story. It may or may not be my sufferers success story, that is between her and her therapists, but it is my success story.

    The fears, the anxiety, and the stresses I have suffered all these years were self-inflicted. I had to stop looking at my sufferer for answers, I had to start looking within.

    As Sweetpea76 wrote: "Not taking it personally is a loving act" was the most difficult thing to accept but, once I was able to honestly in my heart believe it, then that was my success.

    My sufferer has returned to me. She still suffers greatly and I am not certain of our future. None of us ever are even if we are in a relationship without PTSD. I am the eternal optimist by nature and living through this roller coaster ride called PTSD made me a better person for me and for my sufferer.

    In conclusion, you have come to the right place with your questions. You are also very wise seeking your own therapy to help you learn great coping skills. And, yes, there is hope. When I closed my diary 3 months ago, I had lost hope but never forgot Sweetpea76's advice so I haven't been here much as my therapist worked to give me my hope back and teach me loving acts for my sufferer.

    I wish you well.
     
    dulcia, grimalkin and Brown Eyes like this.
  5. leehalf

    leehalf Well-Known Member

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    Hi there. Wow, that's alot of questions! ;)

    I'll start with one for you. Is he in therapy? My answer will be different if he is or not.

    If he's not.... I hate to say it but you will be fighting a losing battle.

    If he is... You have a chance. :)
    Five months isn't a very long time so you both need to go slow. And learn all you can about combat PTSD. I know people say PTSD is PTSD and we shouldn't compare traumas but with our guys training it's a bit different.

    Being in a relationship with someone with PTSD is definitely a challenge but if both parties are working together it's doable. I've been with my Veteran for five years and some days are still pretty shitty. However, the good days outnumber the bad and we love each other.

    PTSD is a mental illness. It doesn't go away. Ever. It becomes manageable IF he learns all he can and applies it in his life and relationships.

    Read around the supporters forum alot of information there for you. I didn't directly answer your questions but you can "search forums" for any of those topics. Also, read and watch the articles and videos at the top of the supporters forum. Oh, and read about the stress cup it's very useful information.

    I could go on forever but I won't (you're welcome). I guess just go slow and research, research, research. And decide what YOU want out of a relationship because a relationship with someone with PTSD will be like no other you've been in.

    ✌ & ❤ to you and your Veteran!!
     
    Snowflakes likes this.
  6. KeystoCope

    KeystoCope New Member

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    He is just starting in therapy, and yes my mind has been going and the questions just wouldn't stop coming. Lol Thank you for your response and your advice.

    All the best to you and yours
     
    leehalf likes this.
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