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How Do We Communicate?

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I need some help, and I'm wondering if anyone else has suggestions or ideas I really need some help.

I cannot express myself. When it comes to my PTSD, when it comes to my rape, when it comes to my ever day feelings, good or bad. I have been bottling everything, every single damn thing up, and I know all I have to do is talk about it. But I freeze, and I shut down and I never say how I feel.

How do I move past the fear? I mean does anyone have any suggestions on how to get past the absolute terror of expressing my feelings? I feel stupid and ridiculous, but I have to speak. How? Please, any advice, any suggestions, anything! I am losing it!
 
I'm in the same exact boat right now. I feel like I'm "leaking" and I can't explain it to my partner, who is arguably frustrated. I too would like advice on how to articulate how I feel. Therapy has been a ball of frustration as well.
 
:(. Sorry, I can relate and I have no advice. It's like I turn into an Alzheimer's patient and can't remember any words. I certainly don't mean that in a mean way, but I really can't find words. I just try and change the subject quickly or ask "what do you think?" so that I can remove myself from the hot seat. I imagined one time how frustrating it must be for someone with dementia or Alzheimer's. My inability to speak was tied to the instance where as their inability to speak, or remember, simple words doesn't pass... Wish I could help, but all I can add is that I try to stop and breathe and see if I can bring myself into the present moment and not project my younger self into the conversation. ;) hang in there!
 
If I'm jumbled up with what my thoughts or emotions are I start by writing down what I am feeling. For example "crying at the drop of a hat", "feeling like I'm ready to run all the time". Then I try to figure out what emotion causes crying most of the time. If you can't connect it Google the symptom. For example what emotion causes frequent crying. Then list the emotions. Then try to think of what situations make the reactions worse or when they started and write that down. I express myself best through writing. Sometimes I write long letters to people that I ocassionally but often don't send. I bring them to therapy a lot. I also use a mood diary rating mood app to journal and recap how intense my emotions were that day. It helps and before therapy I look over that weeks entries. At the beginning of therapy when it was hard to talk about things directly I kind of side stepped them by talking about general things while not making it specific enough to get to me. I also think a lot of communication is in the eyes. The eyes are the windows go our soul. If you don't hide your eyes in an interaction they will speak your feelings for you to an extent.
 
I do this a lot, especially in therapy. It's so frustrating. I feel like such an idiot.

So...what has started to help me a little, is that I write emails to my T during the week. I'm way more communicative when I'm alone and I can type it out on my computer. So through the week, I type out what I've been thinking about that day, what I'm feeling in the moment, what challenges I'm facing, what breakthroughs I've had, what events occurred that are relevant to all of this...just whatever seems to be foremost on my mind at that time. He almost never responds (which was understood from the beginning because unless it's a really well-thought-out response, I'd rather not have any--platitudes and canned responses frustrate me more than no response does).

But in our sessions, he seems to understand better what I'm thinking and where I've come from for the week and what I might be feeling that I can't put words to. And he helps to come up with the words. They're suggestions only--he fully expects me to contradict him if he's off. But he can at least provide a starting point for the conversation.
 
I am venturing into another year, Dogwood Tree, and I feel like I want to smack myself because I can't seem to get over the hump and get things out. How many years am I going to go along like this? I need to change my user name to "freaked out and f*cked up" I go into therapy thinking, "this is the day I put it all out there and just tell him how tortured I feel at times" and every time I blow past that and minimize my life and never really do anything but scratch the surface. And then, another year rolls by and I begin to think it won't ever get any better and that I am just sentenced to a quiet misery for the rest of my life. There may be moments of greatness, but for the most part just many more moments of misery and living the mistakes of my younger years.
So, maybe today is the day I go in and lay it all out ???? I doubt it, but I am going with the intent to do that and pray I don't loose my words and choke because I don't know how to say what I feel. I am sending you good vibes!
 
I go into therapy thinking, "this is the day I put it all out there and just tell him how tortured I feel at times" and every time I blow past that and minimize my life and never really do anything but scratch the surface. And then, another year rolls by and I begin to think it won't ever get any better

Yes....oh yeah, me too.

So what if...we think about changing the goal from "put it all out there" to "put an authentic piece of it out there"? Minimizing is a huuuuge problem for me, too, once I start talking about this stuff out loud. So then it feels even worse when I feel miserable outside of therapy, because I'm not even sure any more that the misery I feel is valid. How can it be real if I can't bring it into therapy?

So what I did a few weeks ago that started alerting my Ts to what's going on inside...when I felt extremely low and miserable the night before my appt, I wrote about it. It was late at night, and everyone else was in bed, and I could sit deeply with the despair without feeling like I was dumping on anyone else or dramatizing or manipulating for attention or whatever. I just tried to write how I really felt, knowing that I could choose later not to share it with anyone.

Then at my session about 12 hours later, I had--predictably--slingshotted back up in my mood to where I couldn't get to that pain at all, even if I tried. But I printed out what I had written and took it with me. When I handed it over, I said, "This was 12 hours ago. This is not now. But I'm trying to put it out there."

It wasn't everything. But it was an authentic expression of a significant part.

The part you said about ever getting better...honestly, I don't know how that happens. 20 years ago I thought I dealt with all of this by deciding I had wallowed in it long enough and I wanted to move on and not let that stuff define me any longer. So when the feelings and flashbacks and everything would come up, I'd stuff it back down saying, "I don't want that. Go away. I'm not going to let that be a part of me." And for about 15 years that worked fairly well. There were problems, but I refused to make the connection or do anything serious about it other than trying harder and harder to act and appear and feel normal...to try to be more like everyone else. I read books and went to conferences and all kinds of things to try to learn better how to be normal. But I felt like a loser inside because I was having to work so hard at acting like I had it all together. Then I had a miscarriage, and then a "miniature" breakdown, and then another miscarriage, and then a scary pregnancy. And then the flashbacks got worse, and no one understood anything about what I was going through, and I didn't know how to get help. Then a couple of years ago, with some other stressors going on, I just lost it. Now I'm not sure if I'm still on the downswing, or if maybe the upswing has started yet. It feels more like walking out onto a frozen lake, and not knowing if the ice will hold this time, or fall through yet again.

So...for now...I'm trying to focus more on authenticity rather than full disclosure, and trying to make sure that whatever piece I bring, that it is "real". But my inner world seems so much different than other people's, that I don't know if it makes any sense to anyone, or if there's any appearance of consistency to the outside, or if the outside appearance is at all consistent with my inner experience. I just don't know.

Even just trying to follow the T's direction to "be present in the moment"...but what if the moment I'm in bears absolutely no resemblance to the real problems I have? I'm so good at distancing parts of myself from other parts of myself, that I don't even know if what I'm feeling right now is authentic or not to what's inside, especially if I'm focused on trying to communicate with someone on the outside. There's just too large of a gap between the different layers...I don't know how to bridge all of that yet.
 
I went...I minimized...I left... LOL! He was his usual supportive person and continued to say he knew how hard this is for me and he wants to honor my pacing and as well my trust issues. I think he is more comfortable with a set structure, but he is pretty understanding that not everyone is a one size fits all.
@falling_wave I think you are completely right and your suggestion is most reasonable. In so many words I have said that but not that clearly. I think I need to say it that clearly though.
@DogwoodTree I really like the use of "authentic" instead of thinking in all or none terms. Much like what fallingwave said, if I can just share that it is rough and I still feel like X,Y,Z still keep me from sleeping or cause me great pain then perhaps that isn't spilling it all but is very authentic. Then I can just see where that goes.
Thanks for the support. Been having a few sucky days and sometimes just get caught up in the grief.
 
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