• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Relationship How Do You Approach A Ptsd Sufferer? Advice Needed, Please!

Status
Not open for further replies.

jesskali

New Here
Hi all,
I'm in a bit of a pickle, and would like to see what kind of input both sufferers and supporters have on the situation.

A friend of mine, well, we're not "friends" anymore, I guess, has combat PTSD. Nobody in his family knows, none of his friends know, and he isn't getting treatment for it, and I doubt he's going to any time soon, if at all. He's been out of the Navy for over a year, and, as far as I know, he still displays many of the symptoms.

He recently shut me out of his life, saying "I'm still against me for you." and saying that we were moving in "destructive circles" (we initially dated, then he wanted to break up, and we became good friends, then he wanted to come back to me, but then he decided to call us quits all together. This all happened over the course of a couple months.). I was the only person in his life who knew/knows about his PTSD, and I feel like that's why he deleted me, even though I showed nothing but support and understanding. I have never done anything to hurt him and vice versa. We had a very trusting relationship.

He refused to give me a proper, face to face good bye after texting me that he didn't want us to talk anymore. He's not the type of person to bail on a proper good bye.

Being that nobody in his life knows about his PTSD, and he hasn't gotten an outsider's perspective on it for over a year, I'm conflicted as to whether or not I should approach him about it. I know his PTSD isn't my responsibility or my problem, but I really care about him and feel like this is maybe a low point for him, and I want to be there for him, but he won't let me.

We haven't talked in a week, and I don't know if he'll even give me the time of day, so I wrote him a very long letter that he hopefully doesn't tear to shreds upon delivery. I really think he'll eventually come around, and maybe I should just wait until he does to give it to him, but then there's the possibility that I could waiting forever... I know I should really leave him alone and give him the space that he/we both need right now, but I want to at least lay it on the table that I am here for him and won't judge him. After I get those words to him, then I will continue to leave him alone.

What I am asking for is any kind of input on the situation.
  • Should I even bother?
  • Should I wait for him to come around to give him the letter?
  • Should I give him the letter at all?
  • Sufferers, what do you feel is the best approach to speaking to somebody about their PTSD is?
  • Would me going against his wishes of us not talking to talk to him about his PTSD only enrage him more, or do you think I would be able to reach him?
Thank you for taking the time to read :)
 
I don't know enough about your situation to answer the first three questions but here is my take on the final two:

Sufferers, what do you feel is the best approach to speaking to somebody about their PTSD is?
Tread lightly, let them "own" their condition and their trauma. I feel really offended and violated when I feel like somebody is trying to "manage" my inner world for me. Let them have control or at least help them feel more in control! You can achieve this by practicing "motivational interviewing" and "reflective listening" techniques. If you are not sure what those are, Google them.

Would me going against his wishes of us not talking to talk to him about his PTSD only enrage him more, or do you think I would be able to reach him?

There is a difference between calling 911 for a friend with a gun to his head, and imposing your help on someone who isn't in imminent danger. You don't need to directly address his PTSD to be supportive. Make sure he has your contact information and let him know you are there if he needs you.

Losing a friend to PTSD (or any mental condition) doesn't require physical death. I've "lost" friends to drugs, alcohol, depression...sometimes they bounce back, sometimes they don't. When they call or write, I respond as if I had just talked to them yesterday! I love them and care about them but they need their space to make their own mistakes and learn their own unique lessons. I had to learn to respect that. I think if you force the issue then you are not respecting your friend's boundaries and need for control over their own life. I personally would feel offended if you were to attempt to discuss my condition with me even though I asked you not to.

In other words, yes, he would be enraged and no, you would not be able to "reach" him. In fact, that would be a guaranteed way to get shut out of his world permanently (because you would be betraying his trust)!
 
PerfectEmpire,
Thank you so much for your response, I think it is exactly what I needed to hear. You brought up things that I never even considered.

I disposed of the letter. While I saw it as an act of care and concern, I definitely see how my friend would see it as an attack and possibly an insult.

Thank you so much for sharing your views and opinions with me. I took them very much into consideration, and came to the conclusion that I am going to let him be. You made an excellent point with the "gun to head" vs. "not in imminent danger" example. I'm sure my friend does have his stuff under control, and I know he's a smart enough guy to reach out for help when he really knows he needs it.

I'm going to send him a short and simple letter, saying I hope he is doing well and that I am still here as a friend if he needs me, that way I am still respecting his need for space, but at the same time letting him know that I still have his back.

Thank you thank you!
 
Jesskali I am glad you asked before acting.

Perfect Empire sums it up very well and I am pleased to read your positive response.

To cut a long story short - if a PTSD Sufferer doesn't want you around and you try to be there for them, normally considered as caring and thoughtful, it generally provokes the exact opposite reaction.

If they withdraw the best you can do to help them is let them be... it is their battle and only they can ask for a hand as none offered will ever be accepted in a positive light if they are ill and untreated.

I would encourage you to read the sticky threads at the top of each Supporter section.
 
If they withdraw the best you can do to help them is let them be... it is their battle and only they can ask for a hand as none offered will ever be accepted in a positive light if they are ill and untreated.

Yes, yes, a million times yes. Nicolette is one smart cookie.
 
Thank you guys for your responses. Nicolette, I'm really glad I asked before acting too!! I really could have hurt my friend, further pushed him away, and made a fool out of myself.

This forum is really helping me understand PTSD better (as you can probably tell I knew/still know pretty much nothing about it :oops:).

It's unfortunate and sad that an act of help can be viewed as such a negative thing, but oh well, what are you going to do? Really, what can I do at this point besides nothing?

If I'm hearing you guys correctly, I should do nothing. Would a little, innocent, light-hearted letter sent through the mail just saying hello and hoping he's well be a bad idea, too? I'm REALLY REALLY glad that I didn't send my initial letter addressing his PTSD, because as PerfectEmpire said, that was probably a one-way ticket out of his life.

Thanks again, everybody.
 
Would a little, innocent, light-hearted letter sent through the mail just saying hello and hoping he's well be a bad idea, too?

In my experience this is not a bad idea. A "thinking of you" card with your contact info could be a nice, light-hearted way to go about it. Just don't write too much.

"Thinking of you!"

or

"You are always in my thoughts, I hope you are well!"

followed by

"Remember, you can always reach me at..."

Or you could wait until a birthday or holiday and send a birthday or holiday card.
 
Yes, can even just be happy/ funny. You've shared good times, why not keep it light-hearted.
He probably has your phone number-(?), already.

Definitely agree, the betraying the trust would feel awful. (But no, it wouldn't make you look like a 'fool'.)
Also, you can't assume anyone you'd tell would be knowledgable OR supportive- may really make matters worse (for him).
 
I think it is a fantastic idea as well! Heck, who doesn't like to get a nice letter in the mail? In my experience, giving my husband a few days or a week with me just being pleasant does him a world of good. He doesn't want to be constantly reminded that he has an issue (most of is don't!). Sometimes he just wants to be loved.

Good luck!

Also, I know I discussed with you that I told H's family, but that was my last ditch effort. We're married and I was not about to allow him to run from be back to his family where he could pretend his life was perfect. He had to be held accountable if our relationship was going to fail.
 
You guys are giving me great advice, thank you!

I'm definitely planning on sending him a nice, very simple hello letter enclosed with a bookmark I found that I think he'd like (we both love to read).

I'm not telling anybody about his PTSD. If he wanted people to know/if he wanted help, I'm sure he'd tell someone he was close to, but I guess he doesn't, and that's completely his call because it's his situation.

He has my phone number, my e-mail, and he knows where I live (we dated for about six months), so he definitely knows how to get ahold of me, and even as things were getting bad, I told him that I'd still be here as a friend for him if he needed me.

But yeah, the little letter sounds like the best idea! Thanks you guys:D
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top