littlelostchild
MyPTSD Pro
This is very tough for me to write - I am getting a headache and my anxiety level is growing, but I am going to do it anyway. My husband (H) has been super amazing. We have been married for 27 years, have 2 grown children who have relationships of their own with lovely partners. My H and I love and care so deeply for each other, we can kibitz with each other and are playful. He has been an integral part of my therapy now for 2 months and wants to comfort me, but I can't relax to allow him to hug and comfort me.
When we were younger, he didn't help out much with the kids and I held a lot of resentment about that (this has not come up in therapy yet), but for the most part, it was fine with me. I loved being a mom and I think I did a pretty good job.
So since my breakdown in May, H has been brilliant! Maybe he has mellowed with age and has less of a sense of entitlement that he had when he was younger. In any case, we have been working on spending time each day cuddling - which I find difficult. If I know that I can get away when I want, it is better - he used to try to hold me for a longer cuddle, but I told him that I feel more relaxed if I know that I can move away - and he is sure to do that.
We used to have sex - especially when we were younger. I was never able to stay present (I'm not going into details but I think you know what I mean). H doesn't know this yet. I could force myself, but I have vaginismus which makes intercourse painful. I have actually pushed through the pain twice (in the past few months) which causes some bleeding, so I know that's not the way to go and H would be really upset if he knew I was doing that. My therapist (T) wants us to 'mutually pleasure' each other, but I'm not sure what tht means. One session I was talking about having an orgasm and my T asked - is that how you define pleasure? My response was 'no?' I really thought that was what he meant - give each other orgasms - clearly not what he had really meant. During T we haven't got back to this topic, so I ask you - how do you 'mutually pleasure' -without coitus - since it's not the orgasm my T was meaning.
Can anyone suggest some gentle ways to begin bringing sex back? We are happy to take it slow.
When we were younger, he didn't help out much with the kids and I held a lot of resentment about that (this has not come up in therapy yet), but for the most part, it was fine with me. I loved being a mom and I think I did a pretty good job.
So since my breakdown in May, H has been brilliant! Maybe he has mellowed with age and has less of a sense of entitlement that he had when he was younger. In any case, we have been working on spending time each day cuddling - which I find difficult. If I know that I can get away when I want, it is better - he used to try to hold me for a longer cuddle, but I told him that I feel more relaxed if I know that I can move away - and he is sure to do that.
We used to have sex - especially when we were younger. I was never able to stay present (I'm not going into details but I think you know what I mean). H doesn't know this yet. I could force myself, but I have vaginismus which makes intercourse painful. I have actually pushed through the pain twice (in the past few months) which causes some bleeding, so I know that's not the way to go and H would be really upset if he knew I was doing that. My therapist (T) wants us to 'mutually pleasure' each other, but I'm not sure what tht means. One session I was talking about having an orgasm and my T asked - is that how you define pleasure? My response was 'no?' I really thought that was what he meant - give each other orgasms - clearly not what he had really meant. During T we haven't got back to this topic, so I ask you - how do you 'mutually pleasure' -without coitus - since it's not the orgasm my T was meaning.
Can anyone suggest some gentle ways to begin bringing sex back? We are happy to take it slow.