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How Do You Bring Sex Back Into Your Relationship? I Love Him But ...

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littlelostchild

MyPTSD Pro
This is very tough for me to write - I am getting a headache and my anxiety level is growing, but I am going to do it anyway. My husband (H) has been super amazing. We have been married for 27 years, have 2 grown children who have relationships of their own with lovely partners. My H and I love and care so deeply for each other, we can kibitz with each other and are playful. He has been an integral part of my therapy now for 2 months and wants to comfort me, but I can't relax to allow him to hug and comfort me.

When we were younger, he didn't help out much with the kids and I held a lot of resentment about that (this has not come up in therapy yet), but for the most part, it was fine with me. I loved being a mom and I think I did a pretty good job.

So since my breakdown in May, H has been brilliant! Maybe he has mellowed with age and has less of a sense of entitlement that he had when he was younger. In any case, we have been working on spending time each day cuddling - which I find difficult. If I know that I can get away when I want, it is better - he used to try to hold me for a longer cuddle, but I told him that I feel more relaxed if I know that I can move away - and he is sure to do that.

We used to have sex - especially when we were younger. I was never able to stay present (I'm not going into details but I think you know what I mean). H doesn't know this yet. I could force myself, but I have vaginismus which makes intercourse painful. I have actually pushed through the pain twice (in the past few months) which causes some bleeding, so I know that's not the way to go and H would be really upset if he knew I was doing that. My therapist (T) wants us to 'mutually pleasure' each other, but I'm not sure what tht means. One session I was talking about having an orgasm and my T asked - is that how you define pleasure? My response was 'no?' I really thought that was what he meant - give each other orgasms - clearly not what he had really meant. During T we haven't got back to this topic, so I ask you - how do you 'mutually pleasure' -without coitus - since it's not the orgasm my T was meaning.

Can anyone suggest some gentle ways to begin bringing sex back? We are happy to take it slow.
 
Hi,

Have you thought of just exploring each other? The goal would not be an orgasm but just pleasure. Find out what the other one likes and wants. Secret desires? Massage oil? Even just laying down naked together and talking...I love doing that with my husband.:)

There is actually a book I have been reading that has opened my eyes on to how normal and fun sex can be.

[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/the-joy-of-sex.30935/[/DLMURL]

Take care.
 
My last therapist suggest touch that was non sexual, several times a week while looking into each others eyes, before eventually moving onto other things. It was non threatening, and helped me to really connect to him, in a way I had never experienced before, because I controlled where it went. I had always dissociated during sex but never realised because I didn't know any difference. Being present, has really changed things.
 
Very much relate to your post Little Lost Child, I too have vaginismus and some complicated issues around my traumas that make it difficult or almost impossible to have intercourse, including flashbacks during sex. At one poiint I purchased medical grade vaginal dialators (latex free because I'm allergic to latex). And followed the instructions. There are some very informative websites for vaginismus. For me it is a combination of physical and mental/emotional difficulties. I take runs at restoring sex in my marriage but my spouse is pretty settled now into our situation (to my disappointment). We have been married 23 years. It is also very difficult for me to commit to doing the dialators as they should be used because penetration is a very emotional thing for me and sometimes I just can't do it. Not pleasurable at all and I have yet to find the elusive solution to my mental block in this area.

Wish you the best, and very much understand what you're going through.
 
Thank you Albatros - We have been together 30 years and have had sex on and off with long periods of off. Since my breakdown in May I have been aware of the vaginismus after trying to have intercourse with my husband and it being totally impossible and incredibly painful! This was the first time the physical aspect occured. Not being present was normal for me, but not being able to physically allow penetration was horrible. I felt guilty and confused and in pain with minor bleeding. I didn't let my H know how bad the pain was. My substitute GP suggested trying different positions and working through it (not terrific advice for me because I did push through with taking the pain by disocciating). When I told my T about this, (he had recommended 'mutual pleasuring' and I thought he meant having sex) after a chat about my definition of 'pleasuring', he said that intercourse should wait for a while. My therapy has gone in a different direction, but my H and I try to spend a little cuddle time fully clothed on the couch every day, so I am getting ready to try something else. I am nowhere near ready for sex again yet and my H totally understands and will move at my pace.
 
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