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How Do You Comfort Yourself When There Is No-one To Comfort You?

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Echo

I'd really like to hear from other people who have PTSD but who have no-one who might be termed a supporter. When there is no-one to turn to (temporarily or permanently), what works for you as comfort?

I live alone with my two cats in an area to which I moved just as I was becoming ill. I haven't made contacts here, even though I normally make friends easily. I've tried, but the group of people surrounding me are not available for friendship or even neighbourliness, for a variety of reasons. This has been good in one sense, in that they've left me alone when I've needed peace, as I have so much since the onset of PTSD, but it is not ideal.

I had created a community around me in a variety of ways where I used to live and I was very happy there, but had to move for reasons that had nothing to do with me. It is just too far away for the relationships I made there to have been continued very successfully, it seems. I have to say I've been rather hurt by people's responses to me becoming unwell, but that is life.

I've recently cut off from my family, as I've said elsewhere on this forum ad nauseum, so I don't have the weekly chats with the sister to whom I was very close. She couldn't cope with being 'stuck between everyone' (as she perceived it), so asked if she could cut off from me, too.

It is coming up to the first anniversary (on 10 April) of the very sudden and violent death from cancer of my best friend and shortly afterwards of my beloved Grandmother. In a few weeks' time, it will be a year since my ex left me.

I work at home as a freelancer and am not well enough to go out very much, except for essential trips.

I don't mean this to sound like a pity party, although I do realise it is probably quite extreme. I am normally the person everyone comes to for a shoulder to cry on and advice and support, but I've had to learn, it seems, that many of my 'friends' weren't actually offering that to me. I didn't notice, being too busy tending to their needs.

Anyway, in order to cope with the cutting off from my family, the need to get a lot of overdue, complicated work projects done, and the emergence of masses of PTSD-related stuff now that my family are 'safely' at one remove, I have done my usual thing of stuffing everything deep down inside me. Only nowadays that doesn't work very well, and a great deal of emotional and physical pain keeps slipping through my desperately constructed and (wo)manned defences.

The two good friends I do have left have been unavailable for the last few weeks due to illness and a massive workload. Last night I had a lovely chat with one of them, finally, and today I saw my wonderful therapist. I guess this has unleashed the longing in me for proper, in-depth contact, and it wasn't enough. I feel so lonely and bereft all of a sudden, and need to put everything back in that box inside myself in order to cope, but tonight I can't.

So (eventually she gets to the question...), those of you who are in a similar position to me, or have been at times, what did you find that comforted you? I've been thrown back into the isolation of my babyhood and childhood by this (as discussed with my therapist today), so I suppose it is that part of me that is desperate for contact. I don't mind how silly-sounding suggestions might be. If they worked for you, then they worked for you. I can feel myself spinning out of control and I have a full day's hard slog ahead of me tomorrow, so I need to get some kind of a grip. What do you do for yourself, and what do you say to yourself (as mantras, affirmations, prayers, or whatever) that you have found helpful?

I'd be really grateful to hear from you

Echo
 
Hi Echo,
I know how you feel. I'm currently living very far from home and my fiance as I am at University and find myself like you have said:
I can feel myself spinning out of control

I just wanted you to know that you aren't the only one to feel lonely, I also feel lonely on a much too regular basis and although I don;t really have any advice to give as I am still trying to conquer this feeling myself, I would just like to offer you my support. If you need some one to talk to, message me any time. Maybe we can both help each other out? :) x
 
Thank you @Echo *hug*. Keeping in touch has been difficult as he's working very long hours and with exams and assignments, we've barely spoken lately :( I'm in my second year doing Forensic Accounting :) The course is amazing and I love it but sometimes I feel I can't cope you know? Like getting out of bed is so difficult and as I have a habit of dissociating, I find it hard to focus.

Hows things? Have you made more/new friends? x
 
Oooo, I don't even know what Forensic Accounting is! Better look it up. Yes, dissociating is my problem, too. It really doesn't help when you need to get work done, does it? I seem to be swinging between that and very anxious states that also don't let me concentrate. I know there's some big stuff emerging, so I guess that's at the root of it. It is at times like this that I wish I didn't have to use my brain for work!

I do run a sort of loose book group, but only for a couple of other women. The one I know relatively well, but she is massively busy and often can't make it. The other one I barely know though she is lovely. I'm not at the stage to tell her all my stuff or even any of it, but I'm taking things slowly and enjoying her company once a month. Mostly I haven't finished reading the book due to my concentration levels, but I don't really mind (even if she tells me the end of the story!).

Otherwise it is not easy to get out or get involved in new activities, because I just can't commit to anything with my health being so up and down. How do you manage at uni?
 
No dissociating doesn't help in the slightest when work needs to be done lol I manage Uni with difficulty. I'm taking it day by day and so far that strategy seems to be working some what. My T helps alot, without her I don't think i'd be able to cope as well as I have been. She's been very supportive.

That's great you've found someone nice in your book group :) Yeah you should take it slow. First get to know her and enjoy each others company. Who knows, great friendships start off as acquaintances first :) Do you know any good ways to cope with dissociation? It's one of my biggest problems when it comes to uni (along with all the others ofc). Have you been recently diagnosed with PTSD or have you had it for a while now? I knew something was wrong years ago from having so many nightmares but I only got diagnosed in December last year, when I started experiencing new things (like flashbacks) which scared me into seeking help lol.
 
@Echo, I am so sorry to hear you have been so lonely! :( I'm in a similar situation - there are a few people who know vaguely of my circumstances and are wishing me the best, but no one I can honestly call a supporter, and those few people are long-distance anyway. Even for an introvert like myself, it is very hard to be this isolated.

I'm afraid I am also struggling with this and probably don't have the best advice, but I'll throw a few things out about the best ways I have found so far in dealing with this. First, I tried to pinpoint what exactly I wished I had in a supporter, what I was yearning for that was lacking in that empty space. That included a couple things - safe physical touch, a listening ear, someone to distract me or cheer me, someone to give me advice, etc... to name a few. Then I've tried to deal with each of those issues individually. For example, when I got a massage a few months ago that helped a bit with the need for safe physical touch; my therapist can be a listening ear; this forum is great for advice; I made a list on my computer of happy distractions (YouTube videos, little computer games, funny pictures) to help when I need the outside stimulation, and so on. When I am not too triggered, I do like to have chats with myself and my inner little girl - it helps me feel less isolated. And for me personally, when I can remember I'm not as alone as I feel, I find God to be the best listening ear.

(Oh, and my immediate go-to for general comfort is always pets, so I'm glad to hear you have your cats, at least. :) )

Of course, the whole is not the sum of its parts in this case, and I still feel that emptiness and loneliness quite frequently. It's a really tough thing to be dealing with. I wish I had a better answer for you.

My heart goes out to you, @Echo - you are just the kindest person and you do not deserve this isolation, especially the cruel ways in which your sister and friends have turned you aside when you needed them the most. I am glad you posted and no, it is not a pity party whatsoever. I know it is not the same, but I am here for you if you need to talk or vent, tomorrow or anytime. I care! :hug: I know it is hard to reach out sometimes, but please don't hesitate - I would be honoured to listen and help if I can. Lots of hugs, and praying for you. ((((((Echo))))))
 
Big comforting and connecting hug to you @Echo.

You said silly was okay...When I get very lonely and there's nobody there (even though I am surrounded by people all the time) I end up lying under a blanket and fantasizing about being surrounded by loving people who are gentle and kind to me. It sounds sort of pathetic but it often makes me feel better.

I will share other thoughts tomorrow. Tough night tonight and now I have to go meet needs that aren't mine. Sigh.
 
Do you journal? Privately, not an online diary or blog?

When I journal about the things I'm feeling, the things I miss, the things I want and so on, I really feel "listened to". I know it's a cliché to see a journal as a friend but there's a lot of truth in clichés. At times, I feel that it's me listening to myself, in a compassionate way that I can never do otherwise. At other times, I can't really say what is doing the supportive listening but something is.

I do a lot of journal exercises and those help the process. My favourite journalling book is "Journal to the Self" by Kathleen Adams. But a lot of the time I'm simply writing about what's going on with me, in a similar way to how I'd talk to a good friend or my therapist. Journalling is what makes me feel the most comforted when I'd like to talk to someone but can't.
 
I think when you are alone for a long time, you can learn to do the things that you'd enjoy someone else doing for you, or doing with someone else.

If I'm distressed, then I do have a blanket that I lie under, or, like Hashi, I write it out, or come on here.

But I try to do nic things, and appreciate the nice things i do for myself too. So I might really think about what I want for dinner, and make a big deal about cooking myself that special meal. I might have a DVD night, not just stick on a film, but turn it into something special that I look forward to. Or I buy myself flowers and enjoy looking at them. It's sweet, innocent childish stuff, but it's nice to look forward to those little treats. It's what would make me feel good if someone else did it for me, and I know it's a bit sad doing it for myself, but it's better than thinking that I need someone else to make me feel good.
 
I find when I'm feeling really deafeningly lonely I can't do much more than curl up in a really tight blanket. I shut my eyes and pretend it's a really strong long hug. Usually I'll shed some tears, feel exhausted then sleep... Sometimes this leads to nightmares though so it's almost like a temporary escape from the real world which I then need to escape back to(?). When I wake up I tidy the area so there isn't any "evidence" so nobody suspects a thing. Otherwise I sit in a corner resting my head on my knees pulling arms around my legs into a bundle and wait until I get cramped and can't hold on any longer, then I am forced to stretch out, get up and move.

I am alone at home a lot of the time. I know doing this doesn't really change anything. Glad to be able to admit to these things here.
 
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