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How do you feel about your positive steps towards recovery?

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LosingHope

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I realised today that part of why I struggle to make changes that I know to be good for me is that when I start to feel good, I become super anxious that the bad is on its way. I know that life is about ups and downs and so there is an element of the bad following good that is normal, but this feels more than that; like I feel that if I start to look after myself, that something or someone will come along to destroy it. In many ways, it is easier to stay unwell and on guard because at least something can't catch you by surprise. Anyone also feel this way?
 
I felt that way many years in my healing work.
Especially about my chronic depression.
Like, why bother. It' not going anywhere. Why do all this crap only for it to hit harder next time.

But somehow with doing "all this crap"..the depression became less severe. When it was bad, it didn' last as long.

Guess I decided all these people can't be wrong about rewiring our brain. I still feel an underlying presence of depression. But nothing at all like it used to be. No where near it.

And I know now when I get too tired, don' do.self care, eat right, I start.to feel more symptomatic.

Hope you give yourself a chance to feel happiness and good times. We acquire a lot of tools along the way so as to not go back to square one. And the good times last.longer and longer.
 
Not as much as I used to, but I'm more aware now that whatever gives also takes in some way, shape, or form, so I try to be mindful of the overall energetic exchanges I seek and consciously engage in.

I'm still working on embracing the strangeness of the self-empowering feeling of healing and learning to better manage and nurture my cell-ph as I've always been taught I wasn't good enough/worthy enough/capable enough and to rely on others, instead. I constantly question myself/everything...and often keep quite busy answering myself. lol

I was always deathly afraid that any good fortune that came my way certainly couldn't be genuine, and would likely be snatched right back away from me at any given moment, and I still get waves of those feelings at times, especially on days like ladee mentioned, when my self-care is down the shitter.

The rest of the time I'm trying to stay on top of my self-care routines and keep my heart, brain, and body busy by celebrating my finally digging out from under the pile of doom I'd been promised by many professionals and catching up on soaking up all the child-like wonders that surround me daily that I was robbed of in my youth.

It only took half a century to arrive in this awkwardly comfortable space. Hoping the other half feels much kinder in the blessons it offers.
 
Yes, of course, you are afraid of yourself with good reason probably. I realized recently it was not the other people I was afraid of. It was me. I ask people to hurt me. That is a sort of blanket statement and it's more subtle but I do. I am about to write a post about this very thing, the voice I use. When I speak, I self-harm. Not always, but the harm I get and the situations I find myself in I create. This is my work right now. Don't lose hope, you just have to get on top of who is speaking. The condition causes failure to flourish. It is part of the traumatic injury. It's abuse reactive like all of this. My first therapist about trauma. He had me reading the Ellen Bass book and it came to an exercise on positive affirmation. I couldn't do it. I put the book down and even though I sat with him for a couple more years, I could never pick it up again. I had a really severe reaction. You are in good company here I think. You are not alone.
 
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