• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

How Do You Get Others to Understand You?

Status
Not open for further replies.

Nicolette

Supporter Admin
Hi everyone.

The Carers' section has been pretty quiet lately....it doesn't seem there are many around at the moment which I can only interpret as a good sign that all their sufferers are doing well :wink:

I was just wondering how do you get others (those who do not have PTSD nor have someone with PTSD in their life) to understand you?

Experience has helped me as when I read a particular thread the other day in this section I found I wanted to respond but realised that I shouldn't....and the only reason I knew that was experience. There have been times in the past where I have come into PTSD Chat and had my head bitten off for no other reason than my inexperience and ignorance to PTSD :rolleyes:. I am but no means saying that it was wrong that I was snapped at as it is ultimately the PTSD section. I posted with innocence and good intent but I did not realise the impact it had on the PTSD sufferer.

Curiosity has brought me here today to ask you how do you get others to understand that your view of the world, due to your trauma and illness, is different and causes you to act differently? I myself have experienced a lot of trauma but I don't understand the mental aspect that PTSD inflicts upon you. I can empathise from a trauma point of view and perhaps that has helped me here but how do you deal with someone you have never met before and says things which trigger you....I do realise there has been a lot of discussion of late of what you find annoying/frustrating etc.... but how do you maintain yourself with someone new when you can control your illness?
 
When someone says something that triggers me because they don't understand I usually look at them and think what a shame it is that 'we' all live in our little spaces, with our little belief systems and never really step out of them to try and understand why someone is the way they are, and just sit around and make assumptions. (including myself)

I wonder if we all took the time to try and understand each other things would be different and there would be less conflict? But life is a rat race and everyone pretty much has their head up their @ss trying to make money to pay their bills or live their saintly little lives to make themselves feel better.

They probably are trying to get through the day just the same as the rest of us though.

Take care
Tammy
 
Mainly, I feel great pity for them in their ignorance, for life will ultimately pull the rug out from under them and they will get their uneducated/inexperienced noggins bonked on the concrete floor of reality. Love, map9
 
I have to admit I am surprised with your question considering you should have this experience down pat by now, giving out instruction even. Bored or asking for others? Please get I am not being snotty but you are where my hubby is easy and he is very advanced as far as PTSD spouses go!

First you should know (if you do not I apologize for assuming) we never expect you to understand and would never want you to. Just accept we go through things and feel things you do not. Like guys accept we have babies and they do not. No mystery and nothing more than the obvious so it is a waste to try to "get it". If you understand this you have it. Do not view or try to see things like me. If you do, something is wrong. I would hurt so bad to know my husband sees things like me, especially since I have good moments again! I get glimpses of good, life through his eyes.

Also, not sure where your head was bit off as I am not here more than once a week, but it does not matter. I read assumptions. You are a "carer" but you are not to all here. You say, ignorance/inexperience of PTSD in your statement. Tsk. You do not. You know by now not all PTSD is the same. You have enough time in. Just accept you are learning we can be volatile at times when you tread in areas we are grateful you do not get. Also, as far as teachers... You got the learning curve. You will be expected to be ahead of your class. Fair? Who said anything was? If it is I am cutting in front of you LMAO.

Again, understanding. My hubby does not. I am grateful he cannot. He does "get" I get ill like any normal person he can see collapsing, puking, slurring, running into walls, see pupils blown... You get it.

Oh, and your last question has zero (from my new experience) to do with normal PTSD/uncontrolled. You can handle it then (as it is controlled you asked of) you do not need to let people on. You are sick and dizzy but from what I see now if you are quite no one knows. You can step away and get better. New people do not need to know. Hell, no one needs to know everything about you.
 
I have to admit I am surprised with your question considering you should have this experience down pat by now, giving out instruction even. Bored or asking for others?

I was asking for others so they could hear it from the mouth of a PTSD sufferer. I am very experienced in relation to Anthony's PTSD but, from what I read, PTSD does have differing effects on people - most probably due to where they are in the healing process.
 
I know you are responding as I type this as I peeked... But I will be putting an "upset/make waves" post in the abuse thread as I am all against the grain now. :) It is a good thing and a good tool I think. I am much better. My thinking must have some part :) A chat may prove interesting/insightful.

So you asked exactly why I thought you did.
 
bit of a long one this, but you wanted an answer to seeing and understanding,

when i see people i know and care about and they have major things going on in life, sometimes they get a glimpse at how i see the world, and that makes me sad, because for a while they see some of what i see most of the time, and it hurts me to see them in that place,
the only good thing about being me is i have experience in dealing with things which i can use to help, but in trying to understand me, well first they have to actually give a damn, most people dont know they are doing it but live in small mental boxes, not seeing things which arent directly related to whatever small matter is going on in life at the moment, they fill up their mental box with the trivia of life, me ive got an aircraft hanger in my head with big old nasty dinosaurs and nightmarish beasties stomping around, not to mention boxes in there which contain more nasty surprises than good memories, its the difference between an experience of the world which involves all the good things and the odd bad day becomes a horrid experience, to me the other way round, the odd good day becomes the rare and interesting day, sometimes it goes to weeks now,which is an achievement in itself. when do you struggle to have a good day or even an indifferent day?

most people live day to day and dont come into contact with bad stuff, im a different person now, but imagine living a life where the only thing death means to you is a chance to have a quiet night without the most tortuous things running through your mind giving you a good kicking, experience pain to the most and have a rampaging beast tearing you apart inside, sounds kinda nasty, but sometimes when things are bad that can be a good day.

when it comes to people, there are those i care about, then theres people i know, then theres everybody else, the only people who try to understand me are those i care about, and then they get some ideas but never a full picture,
sometimes understanding simply that i dont see the world in the same way as others and that i have my own things going on is enough,
sometimes not asking bloody silly questions, sometimes being able to talk without having what im saying pulled apart and examined by someone overly keen to try and understand something which is experiential in nature,
the only way to truly understand me is to be me, even if you could go back and have exactly the same things happen to you as happened to me, then you have to ask yourself would you be alive, and what would you do about it,
understanding is something which in many ways is experiential, what is good though is understanding i am me, there are some things which go on and some things which are part of me now, and if there is a problem talk with me, if there is something you want to know then talk, and if you do seek and want communication and understanding then be prepared to leave the nice safe and secure parts of the map and set of into the bit marked here be dragons,
and be prepared to hear bad things and hurt and feel confused, listening to pain causes pain, listening to bad things in turn at times brings bad things, then theres the question of will i let you, will i be able to answer your question or will you be incapable of handling the answer, if you ask something and get an answer which you dont like, which scares you or causes nightmares to think of, then can you handle it?

the only understanding most people need for me is the one they give anyways, oh he is a bit mad, if i care about someone then i will let them in enough to be able to talk, but if you want to probe me and dig down then beware, i may shut up all together, for probing for answers ,because your curious is something which is like walking through a minefield, i may keep quiet, or worse still i may speak my mind and see what happens, or maybe as many do i will react to something being prodded which shouldnt be disturbed like a kraken lurking in the depths waiting to pull a ship down,

you want a comparison, sailing the ocean the weather seems sunny but there are many unseen reefs to tear the bottom off the ship, there are giant monsters waiting in the gloom of the depths, the ever present fear of drowning in the dark waters, the weather can change and storms come in to whip the sea in to a white capped frenzy threatening to sink your ship in their tumultuous waves,
sometimes when you make land and speak with the locals they seem friendly but can turn in an instant, making you weary of talking with them, seeking solitude of the ocean to stave off the interaction with the unknown locals, sometimes other ships appear, you spend some time alongside trade barter and catch up with news, sometimes they hove into sight and you prepare for a battle, the only constants in all of this being what you bring with you, the ongoing battle against the world around, the waves, the sea, the mysterious monsters which lurk in the depths,occasionally coming forth to try and devour you, the constant threat of miscommunication and unfriendly locals and the wondering what course you follow and to where you are going,

dont know why i wrote this but the question you asked is one which means, do i dislike you, for only those people i dislike have got a true insight into what i see, for it is something which will haunt you, sometimes when you ask a question like that you arent asking for understanding, you are asking wether i want to tell you the darkest things in me, because you can see the top of an iceberg remember most of it is unseen and the closer you get the more likely you are to get a hole in your ship. if i say something then listen, if you probe then i will probably not say anything. understanding means caring enough to know that sometimes there are places things and experiences which arent for sharing in the same way as life history and what school i went to, they are things that take a long time and small parts at a time to understand, anyways, thats some thoughts on what understanding is to me,
seeing someone who understands how i see the world is a sad thing indeed, because it means that they have also been hurt and seen much, and that is something i dont want people to have in their lives.
 
I don't bother trying to get people to try to understand me because the reactions are usually more painful or clueless than if I hadn't tried to explain. The exceptions are my partner and a couple of online friends who sort of 'get' flashbacks without me having to explain too much.

My OH gets what I'm going through only because he has flashbacks, dissociation, phobias etc from childhood stuff too. I still sometimes need to remind him what I need, though, because he often slips into denial. I do that by asking to picture what it would be like for him if he was going through this instead of me. He tends to be more in denial and dissociated, whereas I tend to be more chronically in flashbacks/emotional.
 
'Others' are divided into two camps in my life. Those I care about and everyone else.

For the 'everyone else' in the world I don't even attempt to get them to understand me. I give them what they expect. I'm very, very good at reading people, figuring out their view of the world (a lot of people are so much more open than they realize) and morphing into what's acceptable in their world. I can do this so easily that sometimes it's a bit scary for me. But a lifetime of practice makes it something that's almost seamless for me to change from one person to person depending on the circumstances.

For those I care about it's very difficult to get them to understand me since those that don't have PTSD don't/can't understand what it's like for me. The best I can hope for is love, support and help when I need it. And I'm very fortunate to have a family and friends that provide me with these things.

Lisa
 
"Others" are divided into different groups for me, as well, as I'm sure it does for most of us.

When it comes to someone new - I try my hardest to act as "normally" as possible. I don't tell new people about my PTSD. I'm constantly, while in the company of others- not including my immediate family- grinding away in my own mind the situation at hand and do a lot of self talking. Like Marlene, I've become quite adept at putting on several faces in order to not stand out. That doesn't mean I change my basic beliefs or who I am, it means that I try to adapt to the social situation at hand. Most of the time, if I feel triggered in a situation with new people who don't know or understand mental illness, I get out of the situation as quickly as possible by leaving. I've been known to walk out of get-togethers without warning. No good-byes, no nothing - I sneak out the back door.

If I do happen to get triggered and react in a way that is quite obviously noticeable and inappropriate, well, it happens and that's that. If I like the person and feel that what I did was really wrong, I'll apologize. If not, I just let it go, if they don't like me afterward, then that's the consequences I suffer.

As for those who are close to me and know of my PTSD - they are all very understanding. They are understanding because we've communicated and because they've spent time getting to know me - on good days and bad days. It takes time. There are those who are willing to take the time, and there are those who are not. We can not control who chooses to do which. I've done some crazy stuff, and a lot of times, we end up laughing about it later. Humor is great in that way.

As for the forum and the different sections, this can be complex. Those who do not have PTSD I feel need to tread lightly when they post in the PTSD chat section, even though this section is public and everyone is welcome to comment.

For example: if a thread is marked "rant" or "vent", it's like being in a band and saying to the other band members, "hey gang, let's get together and just jam tonight." Well, what if someone who is not in the band were to wander in and say, "that base-line is all wrong"? The purpose of the original idea was to "jam" it was not to record a hit.

There's loads of information on this board and that is part of what makes this board desirable. When someone who does not have PTSD wanders into the Chat PTSD section, I think it only responsible that they have read some of the information that is on this board so they have an idea about our condition so they can prepare themselves for how we might react to their comments if and when they post in the PTSD section. Also, that goes for us PTSDers when it comes to the Carer's section.

If tons of people started posting in the PTSD Chat section who did not have PTSD and all they did was point out our basic errors (the errors that make up what PTSD actually is!) then people with PTSD would just stop posting because who wants to be part of a community where they are constantly being told about how their symptoms are wrong?

Most of us know that our reactions are symptoms that need managed. Our symptoms are not wrong or right - they are symptoms of PTSD. We are in a constant journey of managing those symptoms and I come here to learn about how to manage, not to be told that my illness is wrong. There is a difference between discussing how our reactions are misplaced and telling us that our symptoms are wrong.

Did I stray? I apologize if I did.

Best,
Rachel
 
I was just wondering how do you get others (those who do not have PTSD nor have someone with PTSD in their life) to understand you?

... but how do you maintain yourself with someone new when you can control your illness?


For the first question, I don't get them to understand me. I try to receive support. Understanding has to be wanted from that other person. If they want to understand they will ask questions and show an interest in the answers. These people are few and far between. They are also people very close to me.

For you second question, if I'm in control I act just like you and any other person on this planet when getting to know someone new. You do so slowly. I do not go running around with a big sign on my back with a PTSD announcement. I really think that last question is rather silly. How do you act when you meet someone new? Do you share every illness or issue you have with them? Would that have any bearing on how you "maintain" yourself?

It almost as if we are "branded" and therefore have to admit to it when we meet a new person with this line of questioning.

bec
 
I really think that last question is rather silly. How do you act when you meet someone new? Do you share every illness or issue you have with them? Would that have any bearing on how you "maintain" yourself?

It almost as if we are "branded" and therefore have to admit to it when we meet a new person with this line of questioning.

Maybe I didn't clarify myself properly so lets use an example. A recent thread was a vent from a PTSD sufferer about someone new that they had met and their use of the term "panic attack". The PTSD sufferer found this new person using the term so liberally somewhat annoying due to the situation which is was being used for was nothing serious. In other words, to this PTSD sufferer a 'panic attack' is a big thing.

Someone without PTSD came along and commented that the PTSD was being overly sensitive and used some analogies to explain their point of view. This then triggered the PTSD sufferer as it is something that they are sensitive about (and I am sure for very valid reasons).

Here in lay the question - how do you act when you meet someone new in the sense that they are saying things which you find 'annoying' due to them having 'no idea' due to not experiencing life your way.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top