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How Do You Get Personal Support?

Discussion in 'General' started by Andre, Mar 30, 2007.

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  1. Andre

    Andre Active Member

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    After reading the forum for a while I can just recognize when something mentioned acts as support. I can see needs in others and I try to do things for the people I am around when I think it would be useful to them, but I do not really know how to ask others to support me. I am not overly generous myself but I try to help others where I can. It is kind of strange I guess. There is a gap when it comes to even thinking about asking anyone for support.

    I know for suicidal tendencies and things like that there are official support lines, that is not the sort of thing I mean. I mean the support from personal affection. I try to be close to others but all that comes of it is that I see more to do for others. I do shut myself off a little but I can not help that. I do not let anything through to show that I need help myself sometimes, that I need some support myself. It just slips my mind in every situation that when I look back on I see where I could have tried to ask. More than that, I forget that I could need help at those times. I forget but in those moments it does not matter either. This is surely more self denial than strength but I do not know what to do.

    Sometimes when I think I should ask others for a little support I can not think of anyone to ask. I have family but we are not affectionate at all. It is obligation and duty there. How do you remind yourself that you need support at times when you could gain it? Who would offer support? I am not religious so talking to a priest would just be uncomfortable. Asking for support is impossible for me and it has been impossible to even think about until recently.
     
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  3. willing

    willing Active Member

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    Andre,
    I so relate with you! Yes, I am afraid of people because they always want more from me and really all I am hoping for is that they will just support me. What happened for me is that I needed to actually pay for the service of support (and I am not talking prostitution LOL) I am saying I ended up paying for a therapist once a week. It was a good compromise since I felt they owed me their time since I was paying and I felt it was my time. What is good here is you should print out what you just wrote above and make an appointment with a therapist and then read that. They will get it. Tell them you need help in learning healthy ways of asking for support.
    Patty
     
  4. Andre

    Andre Active Member

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    I am sorry Patty but I can not do that. I do not feel comfortable talking to any therapists. I do not like doctors in general. I barely went for review after my release from the rehabilitation center. No more than mandated by insurance. A therapist is not an option for me. I do not really feel afraid of the demand to support others, the demand fulfills me and gives me a solid purpose that I like actually. It is just that with this I know the other side of things is being ignored. I can never act when anything could be done for me and I do not even really know when to be on the lookout for ways forward with it. I worried this would all be futile when writing it out. Is a therapist the only option, no books or other resources, or suggestions, advice? Nothing at all?
     
  5. Jim

    Jim Well-Known Member

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    By personal affection Andre, do you mean someone to listen and talk to you? Go on outings with? Hug you? Might be difficult to ask your family for that, but have you tried? If not family, what about friends? No easy thing, asking for support. Don't like doing it myself. However. If you really want something, you need to bite the bullet and ask. People can't read your mind.

    Jim.
     
  6. Andre

    Andre Active Member

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    Yes, that is it Jim. I understand it is my responsibility. It is exactly on that point I am having problems. How do you get across that you need support?
     
  7. Jim

    Jim Well-Known Member

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    Misplaced? Eh? What do you mean Andre? Hope I didn't say something to upset you.

    Jim.
     
  8. Andre

    Andre Active Member

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    Not at all Jim. I wrote a reply to my other thread and accidentally posted it here first. I have edited the post to reply to you.
     
  9. Jim

    Jim Well-Known Member

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    Ah. Thank you for the clarification.

    Not having PTSD myself, don't pretend to know how difficult it can be for you to communicate your needs. However. Being a man I well understand not wanting to ask for help. Don't believe there's any easy way to do it Andre. You just have to do it.

    Perhaps make a list of things you want to ask for, and order them from easiest to hardest. Pick the person you're most comfortable with, and force yourself to ask them for that easiest thing. Believe when you've done it once, you'll likely find the rest of the list easier to complete.

    Should get Evie to come online here and tell you what's she's done, as this is a difficulty of hers as well. Sorry this old soldier can't give you anymore concrete advice than that. Take care.

    Jim.
     
  10. batgirl

    batgirl I'm a VIP

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    Uncle told me to come on here and I was worried I did something wrong... phew! :) Anyways, I have the same problem Andre. I hate asking for help, and I often won't even talk either. I am getting better at both though, so I can tell you what I've done. Maybe it will work for you too. Uncle is right about the lists, that's a method I use for getting over my fears. I list them all, and then try the easiest one first. And if that easy one is still hard for me, I break it down into more manageable steps. I may not be able to do all the steps in one day, or even in one week. But I just keep trying until I've accomplished it.

    Asking for support is very hard. I can do it with my family now, to an extent at least, but they are extremely supportive so that helps a lot. I don't know what your family and friends are like. Do you communicate well with them about mundane things? Do you get on well with them with general? Who is the person you get on best with and trust the most? I would pick that person and try talking to them more, just about whatever. Shoot the shit. Just try getting yourself more comfortable with them in general. After you've done that for a while, you can begin discussing more serious topics. If you're still having troubles, try writing them a note. I write notes to my family when I can't seem to talk properly. Usually I just write something like, "I need to talk about such-and-such, if you're willing to talk with me, meet me in the kitchen at 9 pm." It sounds kind of silly, especially when you're living in the same house, but it works for me. Of course all this assumes that you have people willing to listen to you in the first place. If you don't.. well in that case you'll just have to find some people. Make some friends. Which can be difficult...

    The other thing you could do is just keep trying to ask for people's help on the forum, and open up more here. Maybe that's an easier first step for you. The forum has helped me a lot, I used the forum long before I was able to open up to people in "real" life. For me asking for help and talking has been a process rather than just something I was able to do one day. Even with my supportive family it has taken a while to open up to them. And I'm still having trouble. So my point is, just keep trying and don't give up on yourself.
     
  11. Andre

    Andre Active Member

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    Jim. Evie. Thank you. To a great degree it is a problem for me to find people willing to listen at all. Part is recognizing when people might be willing to listen to risk the attempt to speak. We talked about my family before Evie, about my family situation I mean. No support. It has been almost two months and you have gone through a lot so do not feel bad. My brother can not help me. That friend can not help me either. I can not risk telling anyone else. No one is really close to me but I am trying to get closer to others.

    For me as well it is much easier to write about these things on the forum. I am much more confident when writing than when speaking also. I knew you used notes sometimes but I could not make the connection before. I will try that too. Even on the forum sometimes I just forget that I could need help and feel consumed with thoughts about how I might be able to help others here. I have been trying to ask for help in some areas when I can. Sometimes I just can not find a way to write what I am trying to say though so I am often too embarrassed and ashamed to post. I feel the same way when I think about things and I realize my mistakes too. It is tempting sometimes to think about just giving up with these things but I know what the end of that is.
     
  12. willing

    willing Active Member

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    Hey buddy know we are on your side and we understand the alone thing. I do for sure. To my core. Just know I am think of you and hope the writing hear gives you comfort.
    Patty
     
  13. moki

    moki Guest

    Hi Andre,
    I know exactly what you mean. I ache for someone to listen to me and really understand what I'm going through. So far, this has only been accomplished through therapy, which I understand you don't want to do. Even though a therapist can be a wonderful way to release some of your stuffed-down emotions, I still yearn for a good friend, family member, and esp. my spouse to really hear me.

    My husband is willing, but he has his own set of problems that complicate our situation even more. My extended family members are very willing to talk about some things, but when I get to the conversations about generations of family dysfunction; how we all suffer to a varying degree - they all shut me down. They just don't want to hear it and think of me as the black sheep, as usual.

    Finding friends is so difficult; it's hard to build trust. For me it takes years and years to be able to tell a friend stuff like this, and right now, I have run out of friends since I've isolated myself so much.

    As I learn more about this, somehow I feel a little calmer (sometimes) and am able to at least be more open to acquaintances and people at work about little pieces of my life here and there. When I do this, it feels a little scarey, but generally, they appreciate knowing a little more about me and I feel a tiny bit more confident about opening myself up if only an inch at a time.

    I doubt I will tell people at work the exent of my emotional problems right now; it's probably just not appropriate. But it does lay down a foundation to connect with other people you may meet and start to get to know.

    At least this is how it's feeling to me right now. There are people out there that want to know you...
     
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