SeekingAfrica
Sponsor
I feel like I've gotten to the red zone of being present. On occasion when I feel like everything is too overwhelming I get kind of detached, or just...sleep a lot and feel tired all the time and I am getting there now.
I had rough few months. Then in the last weeks I had: a week where I barely had money for food. A week where I got triggered and could barely get out of bed. A week where I was deeply depressed and a little suicidal...And just as I am feeling all that I get in a week where few people are sick, dear friend had to go to a hospital, there were constant renovations in my apartment (should have been done in a day and still isn't)...a friend had a break up. Another friend had a miscarriage... and now another friend lost a family member that was in his 20s to a brain tumor. She sounds slightly suicidal and I'm trying to be as helpful as I can, but I feel exhausted to the point of I'm not sure how I'm functioning. I'm still talking to them all and helping as much as that's possible. I'm usually a good person in these kinds of situations, I usually function well in crisis mode...but now I feel that trying to be the support all of them need is making me get worse mentally. I'm just pushing that feeling down because there's no time for it. But I'm feeling the depressed/slightly suicidal "what's the point" feeling getting stronger.
I don't think I'm really suicidal, but I do think I'm getting more depressed by the day. And I am only keeping it together until I know everyone else is okay. But I know then it will really backfire, because this has happened occasionally. I know this is awful and selfish and I shouldn't complain about being there for the people in my life that need me. I just feel like I really need someone to tell me I'll get through this as well right now, that I feel in darker mood and more exhausted by the day and I just want to sleep and push away any thinking because I really can't think right now. Like a storm is coming. And I'm trying to keep myself in one piece. I am trying to cook and I'm literally crying over the chicken. I don't even know if I should cook it. It feels like one of those days where nothing goes right. I feel like giving up like making chicken is the most painful thing ever. Except I can't throw out food, so I have to try and make it edible. I really want to "slip out" of reality tonight and sleep like 12-14-16 h in a row. I can really use that. I'm sorry, I'm sorry if this sounds awful and harsh and selfish, I don't want to feel like that I just feel like I'll faint simply from the mental pressure in my head and from trying to keep it together.
I had rough few months. Then in the last weeks I had: a week where I barely had money for food. A week where I got triggered and could barely get out of bed. A week where I was deeply depressed and a little suicidal...And just as I am feeling all that I get in a week where few people are sick, dear friend had to go to a hospital, there were constant renovations in my apartment (should have been done in a day and still isn't)...a friend had a break up. Another friend had a miscarriage... and now another friend lost a family member that was in his 20s to a brain tumor. She sounds slightly suicidal and I'm trying to be as helpful as I can, but I feel exhausted to the point of I'm not sure how I'm functioning. I'm still talking to them all and helping as much as that's possible. I'm usually a good person in these kinds of situations, I usually function well in crisis mode...but now I feel that trying to be the support all of them need is making me get worse mentally. I'm just pushing that feeling down because there's no time for it. But I'm feeling the depressed/slightly suicidal "what's the point" feeling getting stronger.
I don't think I'm really suicidal, but I do think I'm getting more depressed by the day. And I am only keeping it together until I know everyone else is okay. But I know then it will really backfire, because this has happened occasionally. I know this is awful and selfish and I shouldn't complain about being there for the people in my life that need me. I just feel like I really need someone to tell me I'll get through this as well right now, that I feel in darker mood and more exhausted by the day and I just want to sleep and push away any thinking because I really can't think right now. Like a storm is coming. And I'm trying to keep myself in one piece. I am trying to cook and I'm literally crying over the chicken. I don't even know if I should cook it. It feels like one of those days where nothing goes right. I feel like giving up like making chicken is the most painful thing ever. Except I can't throw out food, so I have to try and make it edible. I really want to "slip out" of reality tonight and sleep like 12-14-16 h in a row. I can really use that. I'm sorry, I'm sorry if this sounds awful and harsh and selfish, I don't want to feel like that I just feel like I'll faint simply from the mental pressure in my head and from trying to keep it together.