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How Do You Know When You're Not Dissociated?

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DogwoodTree

MyPTSD Pro
My question is...what markers or characteristics confirm for you at any given time that you are, in fact, not dissociated? How do you know when you're grounded or centered?

I feel like there's never, really, a connection between my inner world and the outer world. Either I'm deep inside my head and the rest of the world is either far away or intrusively painful...or I'm interacting with the surface through an empty shell of myself. There are times of deeper dissociative experiences, but this fundamental disconnect between inner/outer worlds goes on pretty much all the time.

When I'm "inside", it's very difficult to conceive of the outer world as being any more real than the thoughts or avatars or whatever in my head. When I'm "outside", it's very rare that I feel like I'm located in my body. I thought everyone saw themselves this way...floating outside, just behind my body, always watching what I'm doing and evaluating how I'm coming across or the impression I'm making on people.
 
Right now I know of 5 dissociative states I've experienced. Two tend to not happen any more. I know they don't happen because I don't feel like I am in the past, and I don't have to do a lot of extra work to function in these areas. My PTSD is developmental, so when I'm not dissociative I'm able to function at my current level, instead of functioning at the level when the dissociation originally happened.

The 3 states that do happen really reduce my ability to function in the 21st century. Either I'm really distracted, experience bad anxiety, or can't concentrate because of the past memory overlaying the present. I call this sort of intrusive memory a template. When I'm dissociating I have to use a lot of extra energy to do simple tasks, and I get exhausted easily.
 
The 3 states that do happen really reduce my ability to function in the 21st century. Either I'm really distracted, experience bad anxiety, or can't concentrate because of the past memory overlaying the present. I call this sort of intrusive memory a template. When I'm dissociating I have to use a lot of extra energy to do simple tasks, and I get exhausted easily.

So for you, signs that you are NOT dissociated might include: ability to focus on a task, feeling at peace and capable of handling tasks/events, a clear experience of current events, and a productive energy level that is not easily depleted?
 
Interesting thread. I'll come back once I can think on it a bit but what I've noticed lately is that if my inner critic is silent, it's a sign I'm present and grounded. I also have a lot of issues connecting to my body, so if I can actually feel all my limbs when I check in (instead of knowing they're there but not feeling connected) I'm probably grounded.

I also happen to have a very good sense of time when I'm not dissociated, so looking at the clock can tell me a lot. If I'm surprised by the time I probably was elsewhere.
 
Interesting timing. My therapist and I are working on this alot right now. I am out of balance, too outwardly focused. Hypervigilant. Although I can totally withdraw in my head too. Such a challenge to be present in the moment. She is talking about the "felt" sense and helping me notice it. Only blips right now. You may want to read about it.
 
if my inner critic is silent, it's a sign I'm present and grounded

That's interesting. If I can't hear the inner critic, sometimes it's actually a sign that I'm completely out of touch with both my inner world and the outer world, and soaring in some kind of ivory tower where I start feeling a bit invincible and overly confident. It actually looks a bit like a manic state.

if I can actually feel all my limbs when I check in (instead of knowing they're there but not feeling connected) I'm probably grounded.

...and this is different for me, too. There's often so much energy in certain areas of my body that I can't forget they're there.

If I'm really deep inside my head, I can forget about my whole body. Sometimes when I'm successfully interacting with the outer world, I don't feel hunger or exhaustion or pain but I'm well coordinated and can work quickly and efficiently. But things like breathing techniques to relax, or feeling my feet on the floor to try to get grounded...those things send deep, explosive anxiety coursing through my body.

She is talking about the "felt" sense and helping me notice it.

My T has mentioned this term, too, but I didn't realize it was a "real" term until I read your post. Similar to the word focusing...I just used it in a layman's context, in whatever way it held meaning to me. But a quick google search after reading your post, and I see that "focusing" is actually a psycho-therapeutic technique, of which "felt sense" is a part.

So, felt sense seems to me to basically be intuitive thinking and exploration. For example: "I know such-and-such is true, but I don't yet know why. So I'll sit with this, and explore it, and test out ideas against it, until I find words that resonate with this thing that I know to be true. And then as the words come together, the picture emerges more clearly." Does that sound about right?

Such a challenge to be present in the moment.

Yes. Agreed. This is the primary focus of the equine therapy I've been doing.

The equine T pointed out last week that I rely on my predictions of people's behavior rather than being present to what they actually do. And this makes sense, given that my whole childhood was spent learning how to predict behavior so that I could protect myself. But now I need to learn to be present with what is actually happening in the moment, like a horse is. Even though a horse is pretty predictable most of the time, it's not always predictable. What's more, the experience of going through the motions with the horse, even if they're predictable, provides layers of insight that can't be obtained from the prediction alone.

Suffice to say, I have no idea yet on how to do this. But here's an image I have in my mind that sometimes helps me. It's not so much the picture as it is the movement of energy in the picture. So...see if this makes sense.

Imagine your car is sitting on the side of the road and it won't start. You need to push the car into a parking lot a few yards away. In your mind, picture the car on the side of the road. You're standing behind the car, off to the side, as you wait for traffic to pass. Now the road is clear, and you're ready to start pushing. What movement do you make right at this instant? You position your body directly behind the car, place your hands firmly on the back of it, and direct your energy into the car's surface directly in front of you. See if you can sense that movement within your body. You're facing directly into the surface right in front of you with the intent to act upon it.

It's this level of focus and intent directed into the moment immediately in front of you that brings you into the present instant. For me anyway, it gives "being present in the moment" a more concrete feel, something I can actually focus on rather than it being some abstract concept that isn't really grounded in experienced reality. It becomes active movement of energy (although it might be that nothing changes yet), rather than passive reception of being.
 
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Interesting, & damn useful, question.

Grounding is very different than being grounded. Grounding, for me, requires intense concentration of all 5ish senses on 1 thing, that's real, in front of me. From that point? My senses range outward. Not just on the 1 thing, but on everything around me. Very, very rarely do any of those senses supersede any other sense. Vision, hearing, taste, touch, smell, time, & awareness (I did say "ish") are all imputing data fairly evenly. ((An example of normal usurpation = a very hot day, touch my be superceding everything else, and may shrink my world a bit to "Gah! It's effing hot out." without being disassociative about it. ))

I have to work forwards for a moment here...

When I'm disassociated? My world shrinks. Survival mode, ditto, just not as severely. Survival mode my world shrinks to that single moment in time, but is still taking in absolutely everything else.

Severely disassociated (for me, on my scale) means the world around me ceases to exist. On all levels. Time ceases to exist... Days and nights blur together. Vision shrinks down to about 18" around me. Hearing may either not exist at all or be freakishly acute. Taste, touch, smell? Gone. My awareness of other people? Ranges from wildly overdone caricatures of themselves to formless blobs or whisps at best as they fade out. I get so lost in my own mind I'm not even really aware of where I end and the world begins. There are no boundaries. No solid edges. Not even between my skin & the ground. It's very much like being asleep. Or drugged.

Mildly disassociated (for me), the world blurs. Certain senses stomp the other senses. Most usually, hearing. The world gets too damn loud, and it's a terrible cacophony. I can't think. My vision goes sideways. My sense of self gets iffy at best.

*** ADHD disassociation is vastly different from either of these 2 ends of my personal spectrum ***

Working backwards from that...

When I'm in the present & not disassociated:
- I can think clearly in all directions. Past, present, future.
- The world around me exists at all levels. I am aware of where I am in it, so too everything else in my field of view, and outside of my field of view I am able to construct it in my mind. It's not formless void, but populated with geography, people, seas, vehicles, animals, weather, and other expected things.
- My senses are all acute. Things are crisp, clear, & sharp. But none are overwhelming.
 
When I'm in the present & not disassociated:
- I can think clearly in all directions. Past, present, future.
- The world around me exists at all levels. I am aware of where I am in it, so too everything else in my field of view, and outside of my field of view I am able to construct it in my mind. It's not formless void, but populated with geography, people, seas, vehicles, animals, weather, and other expected things.
- My senses are all acute. Things are crisp, clear, & sharp. But none are overwhelming.

So is it a binary thing...on or off? Are you either present or dissociated? Or is it more of a spectrum thing, with layers of presence and dissociation coexisting?
 
I wouldn't say that an energy level that isn't easily depleted is a trait of non-dissociation for everyone. My dissociation episodes tend to be few and far between, but I have ongoing issues with energy levels that are easily depleted. Its getting better over time, but its an issue whether or not I'm dissociating.

I'm not sure what its like for everyone else in terms of how they know they're dissociating or not....but I know that when I am dissociating, there is this cloud between myself and the world. I can't fight my way through it and need to just let it lift.
 
@DogwoodTree I should probably add... Disassociation is a normal part of ADHD. Not only do overly acute senses need a break to keep one from going stark raving mad (sensory overload is a great way to achieve this on purpose, but it will happen on its own at seemingly random intervals) but it's also about the only way to get boring / tedious tasks done without stimulants (by washing out all the more interesting things going on in the world). Then, too, disassociation kicks in whenever I'm hyperfocused on anything. <chuckling> Focused on 1 thing? Either means I'm in the middle of grounding (PTSD), or seriously hyper focused & disassociating (ADHD).

So, for me, it's very binary on/off... But then once it's on? Not just 1 spectrum, but a few different layers of spectrums are available for my head to choose from. LOL... Now if only it would consult me!
 
when I am dissociating, there is this cloud between myself and the world. I can't fight my way through it and need to just let it lift.

This is the way I feel all the time. A conscious part of me might be able to disconnect from the essence of who I am in order to cross to the other side of that fog...the side the rest of the world is on so that I can interact with them more productively...but the cost of doing that is that I'm disconnected from myself.

An example of when this is not an issue for me, though, is when I get hyperfocused on my work.

Disassociation is a normal part of ADHD. Not only do overly acute senses need a break to keep one from going stark raving mad (sensory overload is a great way to achieve this on purpose, but it will happen on its own at seemingly random intervals) but it's also about the only way to get boring / tedious tasks done without stimulants

Maybe this is what's happening when I'm able to focus well on work, and think clearly and creatively, and interact with the world effectively...it's a different type of dissociation that allows for hyperfocus. I don't know...not really sure I'd equate hyperfocus with dissociation.
 
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