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How Do You Resolve Any Acting Out You Did As A Result Of Your Trauma?

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UmightKnowMe

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I am getting ready to take the plunge and start writing out a trauma diary. I am anxious as hell about it but I feel like I am just marking time right now in between appointments with my therapist. I need to get better. I want to be better now!

The first thing that is suggested that we write a point by point list of trauma we experienced. That I understand. The part that I am hanging up on right now is that there are things I did and ways I acted as a result of things that happened to me as a kid that I feel shame and guilt and anxiety over. They aren't really 'trauma' per se, but they ARE secrets and probably need to be worked through. Or do we just say to ourselves....'oh that is just because you were crying for help' or 'you didnt know any better because....'?
 
Have you read any of the diaries here??? They are filled with things we did as a result of our trauma. Many of us are filled with guilt, self hatred, and are ashamed of the things that we have done.

We write about them and spill our guts. But only when you are comfortable enough to do it. Let it come when you are ready to do it, and how much you spill at one time is your decision also....

Good luck!
 
Yes I have read some of them...and wow...there are some AMAZING people on this site. My therapist tells me I am amazing but I don't feel that amazing, but these people..WOW!

Anyway...I guess I was invisioning starting with a timeline of sorts...trying to get it all in one spot in brief. I have never done that before. Sometimes in therapy I will mention something that the incident we are talking about triggers and T will be like "the mailman??" and I think T is saying 'ANOTHER one we havent talked about?'

Also I didn't know if I should put in that other stuff...in the timeline part of it cuz it really wasnt done TO me but sorta and it pertains. I guess maybe there isnt a right or wrong way? I don't know.....
 
For me, the acting out was/is part of the didactic of the trauma.

I go into shame because I am ashamed that I was abused. When I begin to heal from the trauma, I understand the symptoms/acting out much better. I can forgive myself, make amends for behavior that has harmed others - but the amends part has had to come after a good deal of healing for me. I've found that it's a fine line between taking responsibility for my actions without judging myself for them and a wholesale blaming/shaming of myself.

In other words, it's part of the package of the PTSD deal, but it does begin to transform as I heal.

HTH-
Dylan
 
Thanks. There is a thread in the General forum where lots of members have shared just this kind of thing. I hadn't noticed it before but reading just a bit of it (I seem to only be able to handle reading so much before I feel quite anxious) I am seeing that I may not be as 'abnormal' and different and I think I am. I mean the things I have experienced and done are 'normal' in reaction to the things that went on.

I think I will start to put down a timeline on paper for now and wait and see what happens once I am out of moderation.
 
I just found this thread after doing a search. I'm at the point where I want to make amends with my ex--we were both pretty messed up and did a lot of nasty things to each other. Forgiving the self--before amends. Bleh. It's work. Sometimes I think about horrible things I've done to others and just cringe with shame. It's good to know it's part and parcel of the PTSD package.
 
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