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Relationship How Do You Switch Off?

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AlbusLupa

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I've been dating my girlfriend for a few months now, and she has C-PTSD. We're both in the process of working out how to work through things together, how best to deal with things when she has a flashback, when she gets overwhelmed etc. At the minute I'm OK with that aspect of the relationship. My question is around how to look after myself. I know that to look after her, I need to look after myself, not lose myself, still do my own thing. The issue is that I seem to have problems switching off my mind - When I try and relax my mind invariably turns back to her, how she's doing etc. It's harder than normal especially at the minute, because my insomnia has kept me up for a few days, and coincidentally she's become more withdrawn, wanting to curl up and hide from the world. It means that she's not communicating with me, and so when I try and relax etc., my thoughts always go to how I can help her, wondering how she's doing. Does anyone have any advice or tips on how to switch off, and just relax my mind?
 
You just have to find a life of your own. I guess I'm lucky because my sufferer is long distance so I have no choice. In my case there's not a day that goes by that I don't think of him, but I have a completely separate life. I'm probably not the best example.

I've known him for over 30 years, we dated in our 20s and reconnected in our 40s, and we are now in our 50s. When we reconnected romantically it seemed perfect. Eventually he started pulling away so I tried to break it off. That's when he told me he had ptsd.

Ultimately, I found out there really wasn't much I could do but live my life separately. I would've turned my life upside down to be with him. But that wasn't going to happen. In my case we are more like friends at this point. I try to push romantic thoughts out.

For you it's going to be harder because you're there. All I can say is make sure you have a life of your own. Have separate friends, activities and goals. You don't have to leave her, just maintain a separate life as well. As for plans you make with her, always have a plan B. She just may not be able to follow through.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but I learned the hard way. I hope it's different for you. Maybe being long distance has made it worse for us too. Or maybe it's just what he needed. I don't really know. Just don't give up your own life, and come to this site often. This is the only place I can talk about any of this.
 
When I try and relax my mind invariably turns back to her,

That's always part of a new relationship, yes?

The difference -for me- tends to be the "worry" component, when I'm dating someone who is dealing with something very serious / especially any kind of life threatening component that kicks in the fear of "but I've only just met them, I can't lose them, yet". Whether that's PTSD, or being deployed (the two places I've run into not just enjoying thinking about a new love, but needing to focus on myself).

What allows me to take a step back is that I'm NEW. They've lived their life all the way up until now, without me in it. This is their life, and it ain't their first rodeo, even if it's mine. <<< Which not only means that they've got this, and are fine without me, but that I need to learn if it's something I can handle. Their life is their life, but I'm choosing to add it to mine. See if our lives work together. Which means that if I can't be okay with it, or learn to be okay, that I'm going to need to step away. <grin> Nothing like a loss I do have a say about to motivate me! So I look at the pieces I know I'm going to struggle with, and actively seek to counter them. It's a bit calculated, but also just how I operate. I like avoiding problems in advance, because there are so many problems that just smack me out of the blue.

How do I not worry about someone? I trust that they've been doing this a long time. I'm the one who's new to this. Not them. So I need to sort out my own fears. Meet them with action.

Now, if worry ISNT the reason you're not simply enjoying thinking about your girlfriend every spare moment? Well. Too many possibilities there for me to even touch on.
 
I've been dating my girlfriend for a few months now, and she has C-PTSD. We're both in the process of...

Hey There,

I don't know if this is something you want to do but exercise really helps me. I haven't really started exercising until I started dating my friend with PTSD, now when times are hard and when he isolates I throw myself into exercise, swimming, running, gym classes. It helps because in that moment the only thing I'm really concentrating on is that and it's releases endorphin's which make me a lot happier and feel better. Also helps that I'm getting a better bod in the process - win win.

My friend isolated from me last week and I went hell to leather on the exercise, it's also great if you do it after work because it tires you out which means you get a better nights sleep :)

Thats what works for me!!
 
Thanks, I've been running more lately, but think you're right. Just need to fully throw myself into it, swim, lift weights, run further. More I push myself, the less I can think about things.

It really is all down to worry. I think it's a case of I know I care for her a great deal, and I don't really want her to have to face things alone, so I worry about her a lot. Not much I can do to help her when she shuts me out etc. The other thing keeping my mind active is that last time I took some time to myself, went for a run to see if that could help, it was the one time she really needed me - I got back home to find her on my doorstep in tears. Guess I'm sort of worried that she'll need me and I won't be there to help her, so that's always in my mind, in addition to the new relationship constantly thinking about thing.
 
Thanks, I've been running more lately, but think you're right. Just need to fully throw myself into i...

You can't worry that you won't be there because you're off for a run or whatever. In my experience the closer we got the more he pulled away. She may very well pull away more and more. In the first few months he would text me late at night to ask if I was home, if he knew I was out with friends. He seemed so nervous when I went out. Basically, I could see how vulnerable he could be, but at the same time he would pull away longer and longer. It's too much to get into on this post. I've also been through very dark times with him, when he's suicidal etc.

The exercise is very good, and anything else you can do to better yourself. I struggle with that this time of year due to seasonal depression, but when the days get longer and I feel better it's what I do as well.

I also listen to music with headphones on. It helps to shut out thoughts. And reruns of tv shows I like and know well. Brain candy shows, the type that are guilty pleasures and not very thought provoking. I enjoy documentaries and reading, but anything too thought provoking will make me think more about him and his problems.

You just have to try different things and find what works for you. And you have to do stuff for yourself without always worrying that you're not there for her. If you are participating in a hobby or an evening out it doesn't mean you're not there for her.
 
You can't live your life around them. I did that before Christmas and ended up sacking off plans with friends to help him out when he needed me, now I know that in my heart I wouldn't be able to go out with my friends while he needed me I am enabling him, I am acting as the rescuer and it's not healthy.

He had a life before me and managed somewhat before me so that doesn't mean he can't do it now. I know it's hard but this past month and a half he's done a lot of self healing and we've taken a step back from our friendship to let him do it. Now we are both in a bit of a better place individually it makes it a lot better and more happier when we do come together. I can see he's getting happier so to speak and I am a lot happier having focused on me.

The thing I ask myself when in these moments is ... can I live without him? Yes. Do I want to? No.

We cannot fix our SO's nor are we there therapists, the best we can do for them is look after ourselves and live our life so it's less pressure for them. I'm not saying don't be there for your gf but just be aware of becoming an enabler/rescuer .... it's not healthy for either of you!

Hugs :hug:
 
Keep living your life, it sounds so obvious but it is vital. Don't give up what you enjoy, don't neglect things and go out with your friends if you can. Most importantly, don't feel guilty for it either, it's not a knock at your SO if right now they can't function but you still can, you have to keep strong and healthy for them if you want to be a real help.
 
I don't really want to make a new thread, and I guess this issue is kind of related. My girlfriend is slightly upset with me because she feels like I'm suffocating her in terms of hobbies. She's pointed out that a lot of the things I do - running, yoga, writing, and so forth is things she enjoys, and from her point of view my doing them (or seeming to start doing them) after she met me feels like I'm taking them away from her. She's done a great job of explaining how she feels, how it's important to her recovery that she has some hobbies that she feels she can take ownership of, and me doing them too is taking them away from her somehow.

I can see what she means, and in some ways she has a point - I got a fitbit after meeting her, and we had a step challenge for a week. While it was after meeting her and we did things together, it wasn't just because of her, I had one before until it broke, and I've started running more. That in itself is a problem, she runs for enjoyment and to destress - I've started running because I'm applying for the police and I need to keep myself at the peak of fitness to ensure I can get through training (failure would mean dismissal, should I get in), but also because I want to do more for charity and in the past I've always done running events to raise money. Things like colouring books or jigsaws I have picked up again after she's mentioned, which is mainly because they're things I used to do after my therapist mentioned for my depression years ago, and her mentioning them reminded me to do them, and how much fun they were. Me doing them again after she mentioned it, I can see how that could be seen as me taking them away from her. I suppose my biggest issue is me starting yoga - one of her greatest hobbies. It was one of the first things we talked about, how I wanted to start yoga but the number of styles were confusing - that was a couple of months ago. Then a few weeks ago she mentioned how I'd always talked about it but how I'd never done it - so of course I signed up, now it's being used as something I'm taking away from her.

I'm not really sure what help people can give, or if there's any help. It feels good to have written it down, got it out there. I can't really tell her everything above, I think it would make her feel like I was deconstructing her feelings and everything. I absolutely want her to have her own hobbies, and not feel stressed about going for a run incase she sees me. On the other hand, I don't want to feel I can't take up new hobbies that she does and I've always wanted to do, or to stop doing things because they might upset her, after all I need to have my own life too.
 
She's done a great job of explaining how she feels, how it's important to her recovery that she has some hobbies that she feels she can take ownership of, and me doing them too is taking them away from her somehow.
I wonder about this, @AlbusLupa, how does you doing yoga, running, and writing prevent her from taking ownership of these hobbies herself? Unless you have been insisting on doing these things WITH her all the time, not giving her the space to use them as the downtime she's intended them for, I think it's an unfair request to ask you to drop them. If anything, she should be happy for you that you're picking up habits that are good for you - not set herself in competition with you. She does not own these activities, nor did she invent them.

I think this is a boundary issue in terms of seeing a partner as a separate, autonomous entity from oneself. If you're in the right place to do it, I'd suggest having a conversation with her about where she ends and you begin, that not everything revolves around her, and she needs to look into why she fears you're controlling her in that way.

And for crying out loud, don't stop running, writing, and doing yoga because she feels threatened by it. This is your life, not hers to model so she can be more comfortable with it. We're not talking binge drinking, drug fueled nights, and sexcapades here...it's yoga.
 
I think the crux of the problem isn't that you do these activities, it's that she isn't in a place emotionally to be able to do them and gain enjoyment from them herself, so perhaps there's a little resentment that she has to watch you partake in her passions and deriving happiness from them that she currently isn't capable of doing herself?
 
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