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How Do You Trust?

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anonymous

MyPTSD Pro
Its a pretty simple question for an incredibly complex topic.

How do you trust?

I can trust the big things, like that the sun will rise tomorrow. Its incredibly difficult for me to trust in anyone.

Background.

My childhood home was like one big mind f*ck where you could never trust anything that my mother told me. Things would change....always at the last minute, and always at her whim for no real good rhyme or reason. I know this is the root of why I cannot trust.

I know I must learn how to trust or my life is going to be very lonely. I only have a few online friends and a few family members at this point. I've alienated everyone else.....friends, family, etc. by my inability to trust in anything.

Do you start with the little things?

I trust that so-and-so says what they mean and means what they say. When they tell me that they are going to do ABC for me, I trust that they will follow through. In this sense, I can indeed have a sense of trust.

Would this approach work? Building from the little things up to the bigger things over the course of time.

Thank you. I am lost.
 
It comes with time...through positive experiences. I've learned that you trust different people for different things...and these things you only learn by trial and error. Just because a person cannot be trusted in a specific area doesn't make them untrustworthy in another...it is finding out what is important to you.
 
Do you start with the little things?

Offered in earnest not to jab or judge, ...perhaps, with a quiet moment of trust in self...with a username. A step that states and embraces the right for you to be more than an entry that flows between the shadows but to count as being present for you to you. To feel acceptance of others as you explore. If you have already done so, apologies as there are always solid reasons.

However, as you asked, I thought I might offer a simple first step...be counted as you with one less mask.:hug:
 
I've trusted a lot of therapists, some good, some so-so. That's really where I started learning to trust. When I finally ready to get honest (Panic attacks and flashbacks hit a new high and that drove me to get honest) I told my therapist I was afraid she would abuse me like my parents did. I was explicit. I was terrified. She didn't care. She said she was safe and didn't budge on that for years.

Last week I moved out of the city and away from my therapist. In our last session I told her how grateful I was that she proved to be trustworthy.

I hope you can find your own experience like this.
 
I have no idea. I experimented with this with a few people...tot he point where I convinced myself to ignore my gut and dismiss it all as faulty PTSD thinking...and then I got burnt. Majorly. So maybe taking baby steps is indeed the best way to go. I am nowhere near that though. Good luck.
 
Slowly, one small step at a time.....

I learned, quite by mistake and in silence, that I could trust my intuition because the only time it let me down was when I didn't listen to it. I also had a really good therapist who I eventually came to trust through my experience with them.

I made some mistakes; trusted the wrong people with the wrong things or trusted too much too soon (or not at all), so that the process was time consuming and difficult,....but well worth it.

Give yourself time. Start slowly with little things, you can then build on your successes and not be so devastated if you fail by trusting too much too soon.

My best to you,
Lion
 
When I first started with my therapist she warned me that I probably would never be able to trust people like other people do. Yeah, I have major trust issues! Things and systems not so much (for instance I trust the sysem at work which means I get treated fairly), but people is a hard one.

For me to even beginning trusting a person I have to have known them for a very, very long time. I trust my best friend, but it took fifteen years of her being my best friend before I began to trust her.

I think it's important to trust yourself- trust your insticts, as Lionheart said, but also trust that you will do right by yourself. And look at the little things you can put your trust in. See what you can build up from there.
 
@anonymous
I can very much relate regarding the trust issue. It's why i avoided much social contact.
My childhood home was very chaotic, no structure, lots of drama, no reliable parent, abuse, ....
It's very hard to trust people if that basic trust has been shaken.
Indeed I try it by babysteps.
Like illusionist said: It comes with time...through positive experiences, that's my personal experience.
Also some people you can trust with this, and others not.
Like jaccat andd Lionheart says: I'ts process: I start with little things and learn to trust my gut, but it goes with trail and error.
When I have a positive experience with this, my heart goes open, but with a negative experience: I feel sad.
 
@illusionist Thank you for replying. I know that I tend to see trust as all or nothing, at least in human interactions. I am able to selectively trust other things though.

@Recovery4Me I post anonymously because I do not feel accepted here on the forum under my real username and get more responses when I'm anonymous. I've been told in the past that people see my username and move on because they don't know how to respond to me (because of who I am).

@Intrepid I am glad you were able to find a therapist to trust. I have only found one or two over the years, but things eventually went bad so I went back to not trusting again. I don't have a therapist right now and don't know if I can put myself through another round of therapy anytime soon. The constant up and down and recovery period is not something I have time for in my life.

@reallydown Thank you for sharing, I will remember to trust my gut instincts and try to figure out when its my gut and when its PTSD talking.

@Lionheart777 I will try to take things slowly. It is hard to find people who are willing to do that though. It seems like people aren't willing to go the distance with you if you're not trusting right off the bat.

@jaccat I am the same in that I can put trust into other things, just not relationships so much. I can't even call someone a friend.....everyone stays out there in nebulous "acquaintance land" no matter who they are, no matter how close we get. To call someone even a friend? That's too much for me because I can't trust someone to actually BE a friend to me. If someone isn't a friend, it doesn't hurt when they walk away or when they hurt me or when they betray me. I knew someone for five years and could never even call them a friend. Sad considering how close we were.

@fellowsufferer I'm sorry you're struggling, too.
 
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You also have to trust your observations in others. For instance, if I am starting to get to know someone, you know...when you are not at the stage of really disclosing anything of importance to them....and they talk negatively or share any of their friends personal lives with me, I take that as a major warning sign....not friendship material. I normally cut them down for that and question them as to why they are disclosing that to me....loyalty is of great importance to me.
 
"The proof is in the eating of the pudding". Trust no one but yourself. Let other people show their trust in you and slowly work out if it is trust, or something else. I think the majority of PTSD sufferers had have had to call it a day with people they thought were trustworthy even after years of believing they were. Excuses for deception are not in my rule book anymore. Too many needy people out there willing to suck you dry and spit you out.

You know where you trust issues come from or believe you do. I respect the therapist view point you have.

There are varying degrees of trust and distrust. Tell us what you think trust should look like to you?

I just lost a friend whom I have known for almost 40 years and trusted implicitly.You know what he said to me in our last communication....It's all got too serious with you, where are the 'good old happy days'. Speaks volumes in terms of his knowledge of PTSD. I miss him terribly but he cannot face the truth, I have changed, I am not a teenager anymore. I grew up and bad things happened to me. He grew up and nothing near what I have gone through has happened to him, not even close. So, I close the chapter of trust with that person.

Find a person you can trust is extremely difficult without PTSD. When I look around me at all the failed marriages, lies, deceptions and these are termed "normal" people. I wonder if the word should really exist. But, on the other hand, I have a couple of people in my life I like and sometimes confide in, but not deep stuff.

Again, define trust and what it means to you. I think that is the first step because then you can accept your own boundaries and not over-step them. You might find that these boundaries will change for different people and for different reasons and move over time.

People have to earn your trust! You are worthy of that whoever you are, PTSD or not.

Fear of being lonely is not a good foundation to trust anyone.
 
So much wisdom on this forum, i like this very much!
@illusionist for me, loyalty is also most important, of they are loyal to me=ok. If not: i'm not wasting my time! In the beginning of meeting someone, i start by disclosing litlle things, i observe how they talk about other people and how they behave towards other people. You get a lot of signals from that. When i was younger i was a little people-pleaser (shame on me) not anymore! If they like me:ok/ of not: ok!

@blackemerald1
So very true: people have to earn your trust, always go slowly!
Some people only use others, some are judgmental or shallow, sensationseekers,...
I have one person in my life that i trust, and you know why: he was there for me, when i was in deep despair (many, many times) He says what he thinks (even when i don't like it at that moment) he acts like he talks, he doesn't have a hidden agenda.

@anonymous hugs for you!
 
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