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How To Be Authentic?

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PreciousChild

MyPTSD Pro
I had a very intense, but I think good few weeks. I've been walking around like I have a big, open, raw wound in my brain, and my mood has been grating, uncomfortable, awkward, and I have been triggered a lot. Everything that happens seems to be triggering catastrophic thinking. I am still struggling with how to deal with this, but why do I say this is good? I feel that it's at least real, and that stuff I've been dissociating from is finally coming to the surface. It's my opportunity to embrace my other half.

I've been reading Healing Trauma, and I think I somehow have adopted ALL the adaptive styles of developmental trauma. Two things, among others, I'm working on is becoming more attuned to myself and also TRUSTING. I have been more or less successful in my career and can usually be socially appropriate, which I have always thought of as a great success. But I know that it would be even better if I could live an authentic life and not be afraid that being myself will make people abandon me.

At the same time, it wouldn't being healthy or beneficial to me to let out all my emotions in any context. I had a moment when I realized how fuzzy I was about this matter. I have a special needs child who has trouble always being socially appropriate, and I talk to him a lot about transforming socially inappropriate impulses towards more socially acceptable ones.

Anybody want to share how they approach authenticity?

Also, I have lived so long distorting my identity, is there such a thing as an authentic self still there? Isn't it, intellectually speaking, a social construct anyway?
 
This is a great post and something I think about a lot myself. So much of my own experiences, I feel, can't be shared with others with any feeling of safety, and I often feel like an iceberg - most of me remains underwater and only the tip really shows. The same goes with a lot of what I feel - because it's often not related to what's going on right now, and also I would have to explain things that I don't feel safe sharing.
There is always an authentic self! It's not a social construct, but we don't have to show it all to everyone.
What helps me when I'm feeling that aching raw wound is to just think to myself, this is just who I am, this is how I really feel. That doesn't mean I have to share it, only that I have to let myself feel it, what's real, who I really am.
That helps me!
I don't lie, but then again I'm not an open book for all to read. For me, I just want to feel safe with my own thoughts and feelings, that way I can trust myself to make good decisions for myself. For my real self!
For me it's just the same as wearing clothes. I wouldn't take them off for anyone and everyone! In fact, perhaps only for one! And even then, maybe only in the dark (-:
 
For me, being 'real' and authentic has different approaches. Self compassion, kindness for others can be just as authentic and need not have an interior motive. As well, the caustic individual whom frames biting or stinging words with, "Just keeping it real." is not necessarily being transparent but dumping their anger. So there is a balance needed within safety of personal boundaries.

My first step in being authentic was yielding the word,"No!" Although many toddlers often explore the same structure, sometimes our own rights (within our self esteem) seem to diminish during trauma. So perhaps... that is a solid and safe step...using your right in a gentle but firm manner and deciding what you wish to do! You can even practice ;) with telling me, "No, thank you!" to my suggestion if you wish.:clown:
 
I often feel like an iceberg - most of me remains underwater and only the tip really shows. The same goes with a lot of what I feel - because it's often not related to what's going on right now, and also I would have to explain things that I don't feel safe sharing.

Thanks for sharing jojo88. I like the analogy to the iceberg and clothes. Covering up doesn't automatically mean I'm ashamed or am being false. I think that's a good distinction to keep in mind - showing and feeling. In the past and even now, I don't even know what I'm feeling. I had a catastrophic reaction the other day, and there was not even a thought as to what the problem is to go with it. I have a long way to go, but I do want to allow more of my authentic feelings to arise. I won't always show it, but to myself, and perhaps when I talk about it here, and definitely with my therapist, I think I ought to be as real as possible.

But in life, I do think it's important to follow social expectations, and make people feel comfortable (which is why we wear clothes!). On this discussion board, I've been emoting a lot, and hope that this is the venue to do that. In life, despite my constant feelings of imminent catastrophe, my team recently voted for representatives for an important assignment, and I got the most votes! : ) I sometimes get feedback that I'm actually doing well socially. But I'm never going to own it if there's this other side of me, the "real" side of me that feels it's all fake. Unfortunately, some of the feelings have been under the water for so long that it bubbles up in the most unexpected ways. I have to live with some awkwardness as I allow them to bubble up.
 
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As well, the caustic individual whom frames biting or stinging words with, "Just keeping it real." is not necessarily being transparent but dumping their anger. So there is a balance needed within safety of personal boundaries.

Thanks so much for your thoughts, Recovery4me. That's totally what I mean. My dad was very authentic - he was very quick to tell us his authentic opinion that we were stupid and incompetent. But obviously, that kind of authenticity was just his way of giving license to whatever caused him to be abusive.

I really like you're suggestion about asserting my "no". I am in constant fear that any discrepancy between what the other wants and what I want means disaster for me. I've been trying to live more with any fearful feelings about being abandoned by everyone around me. Thank you for saying I can say no to you!
 
I think some people believe that authenticity is about always being 100% honest with others - so in order to be authentic I must tell everyone everything and do so 100% truthfully. That isn't what being authentic really means.

I see being authentic as knowing yourself, accepting/owning yourself, being grounded in yourself and what's important to you, being true to yourself and living your life according to what truly matters to you. So, first, you need to who you are at your very core - what is the real essence of you - and then identify what's really important to you. And then it's about consciously behaving,mapproaching things/people and living your life accordingly.

It's not about how much you reveal to others. Creating and holding healthy boundaries is really key to living authentically. So, it's not just about putting all your truth out there with loads of other people. It's about you knowing that you are living/behaving/speaking/being in relationship congruently.

Your core values are really at the heart of authenticity so identifying what those are and then seeing how aligned you are to them in your life is a useful first step. By values, I don't really mean any kind of label around morality. Just about what truly matters to you. If you're not sure what your values are, think about when you've got really rattled by people/incidents - when we get annoyed with people and we can't necessarily put our finger on why we got so riled, it's often because one of our key values have been stepped on.

Living a life truly in alignment with your values is a radical act - it's challenging! But if you know who you are and what core values you hold and have conscious awareness of whether or not you are honouring your values in different areas of your life, I think that really helps you to come from a place of real authenticity.

In short - being authentic isn't so much about what you show or tell others. It's about what you know about yourself and how consciously coming from the place of your core values will more automatically bring you into relationship with people in a more authentic way anyway.

Not sure if that makes sense or addressed your question?! :-)
 
I think revealing things is one thing, disclosure quite another (& never the right of most others to demand of you).

I actually think authenticity is what is revealed to others, if one's thoughts/ beliefs/ words/ actions match. So it has a huge component of truthfulness to it. I think whether we intend to or not, we will assess others' authenticity & they will assess ours. (The opposite of authentic would be "full of sh*t", disingenuous, phony, acting, often to achieve a reputation or be viewed as trustworthy or possessing characteristics one doesn't have or doesn't espouse to, for example. )

My mom said on her deathbed (& she was never abusive to others, & totally authentic), "Words mean nothing, actions mean everything." I think being authentic means saying what you mean & meaning what you say (or why say it, that would not be authentic), but backing it up with actions. What's naturally included as part of health is also including respect for others, caring for others' feelings, & working on one's own issues.
 
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