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Relationship How To Communicate With Your Ptsd Partner When Not In A Good Place

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emz315

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Hi everyone,

My partner has combat ptsd his currently not in a good head space.. not sure if his coming or going and is just wanting to take everything "easy" in life and with the relationship....we are still talking on the phone and seeing eachother on the weekend.....However im finding myself a little nervous like im worried i will say the wrong thing or he will get frustrated. Im usually a very big organiser and trying my best to just "chill" as a few ppl have said on the forums. Im wondering if anyone can help with providing me with strategies to approach my partner so he does not become frustrated,im just not liking to have to walk on egg shells when on the phone with him etc....things such as what not to talk about or to bring up in conversations, is it okay to talk about whats happening with him? he says that sometimes i will make the same comment and it frustrates him because i bring it up again in a different way or i contradict myself (eg: maybe on sunday we can go for a walk ..or whatever you would feel upto no pressure) Or that i repeat conversations we clarify in depth in a face to face conversation on a previous day... im just wanting reassurance thats all... he doesnt get angry at me just frustrated sometimes...and if that happens i normally just change the subject. It will also help me approach him when i see him on the weekend how i should be around him etc...

Note: this is the first time for me seeing him hit complete rock bottom (and just trying to learn)

Input would be greatly appreciated :) hugs if accepted
 
Im wondering if anyone can help with providing me with strategies to approach my partner so he does not become frustrated,im just not liking to have to walk on egg shells when on the phone with him etc..
No?
Seriously. I'll admit that sorting this out is a bit of a work in progress for me but no, there's nothing you can do to keep him from being frustrated. Being frustrated is part of life.
he says that sometimes i will make the same comment and it frustrates him because i bring it up again in a different way
I would find that hard to deal with too. I would find it LESS hard to deal with if I knew that you had anxiety problems and even LESS hard to deal with if I knew that this was happening BECAUSE you have anxiety problems. (If that's the reason you feel you have to keep revisiting stuff.) So, maybe it would be helpful to have a few conversations about "where stuff is coming from" both on your part AND on his.
or i contradict myself (eg: maybe on sunday we can go for a walk ..or whatever you would feel upto no pressure)
I have to admit, this one made me laugh. I've been on the receiving end of statements like that and they totally stress me out. And yet, now, I can see how someone might mean that in a good way and see it as not being "pressure". In my version of reality, that exerts a huge amount of "pressure".

"Sunday" is, I guess, in the future? So, "Will we live that long? What will Sun be like? How will I feel on Sun? Do I even want to DEAL with 'Sun'? Then "We're going to DO something on Sun????" And I have to CHOSE? I have to "Know what I feel like AND decide what to DO?" And I suppose I'd better get it right, or you're going to be disappointed and I will have let you down again.... I can't do anything right. Ever. I hate this.....

That's a LOT of pressure. Granted, it came from inside my own head, but it's still there. Also granted, there's no way for you to know how he's perceiving all this unless he tells you. (You can ask?)

My advice? Lots of talking, lots of listening, very little mind reading. If you need reassurance, say that. I suspect he'll be ok with reassuring you. Otherwise it's easy to take a need for reassurance as "She didn't hear a thing I said. What's wrong with me that I can't make myself understood?" Or something else.

I don't think there can possibly be TOO MUCH clarity in conversation.
 
When my suffer is not feeling well, he is very into semantics. Every word "means" something that he decides it does, and sometimes it is exhausting. I have learned to just keep it light, talking about my day or something that we both like. He may still find something to get upset about though... and when he does, I just drop it. I don't engage or try to explain myself. He knows he is being an ass, or he will know he was when he calms down a bit.

You just have to keep in mind if he does get upset with you over words or statements that seem innocent to you, it is not your fault. You are not intentionally upsetting him. He is getting himself upset by attaching meaning to things.

As far as plans go, it's a little hard to try and make plans when he isn't feeling well. I usually approach it by making plans for myself, then telling him "I'm thinking of doing XYZ on Sunday. Just let me know if you'd like to join me. If not, give me a holler later that afternoon." That way he knows he can join me, and I'd like for him to join me, but there really is no pressure because my plans don't revolve around him. I will still see him later whenever he'd like.

@emz315 , I get the eggshells thing too... I have GAD as well, and it is hard not to let it get the best of me, especially when somebody is getting upset at you daily and you don't know why.
 
I suffer fron ptsd and have the hardest time commiting to plans. Even when im feeling well...i get scared by the time the event comes along it might be a horrible day..for that i like to do things spontaneously with the family..as in on the day of that im feeling ok if partner says lets do this..i might do it. If im asked to commit to something next week or month it is so stressful.

Even when its something i might really want to do i hesitate because i dont know what state of mind i will have later..

I hate the guilt of letting my family down and sometimes partner takes kids alone and i feel like a loser but better my kids get to go with the one that can take them out.

I do wish i could and maybe in the future.

I think what the above said to make you own plans and give a choice if he wants to without the pressure of commitment.

Hard stuff..i feel for both of you..
 
@Sweetpea76 - OMG! I thought it was just my vet who gets all nit-picky with words when he's in a mood! Some days it drives me nuts because my profession is all about the precise meaning of words - which he'll throw back at me when he decides something I've said "means" something when in fact it was just an off the cuff remark! It really drives me nuts when he's using a word slightly incorrectly and insisting that he's right! Lol I've learnt not to argue the point at the time!
 
@Sighs - He does this weird thing where he will assign deeper meanings to everything I say. We just had an episode where I dropped the f-bomb in a casual conversation, and it turned into a whole thing about me not respecting our love... this coming from the king of f-bombs himself.
 
Yup. Been there too.

I was in trouble last night because I had the temerity to talk about 'salted caramel" as if it were "mainstream". All I did was tell him the new protein bars I bought him to try were salted caramel flavour...
 
@theotherside... that makes so much sense to me now what you just wrote. my partner got so stressed out going to a wedding the other week that i ended up sending him home, thats probably the reason he gets quite frustrated when i try to organise things as he is a day to day person whilst im a week to week organiser. Maybe thats something i may need to change a little but its all about trying right.... he always said it would drive me crazy if i could not organise...he just cant do it. Which makes things hard if it comes to events and family stuff. Does that mean i will never be able to organise stuff in advance??
 
Does that mean i will never be able to organise stuff in advance??

LOL... No. It may however, mean never telling him in advance. Depends on what his baseline is.

I've had good years where I'm planning things out by both the year and the season, and refining by the week and day. Plans, contingencies, work arounds, fall back positions, daily flexibility... The future and I are square.

And I've had years like @scout86 outlined so perfectly. (Sunday? Will we live that long? What will Sun be like?). I'm currently winging things moment to moment (living in the moment sucks). I don't know hour by hour what I'm going to be capable of. Doing, thinking, or hearing. Right now, I basically need to be told what to do, when. And then I have to agree (because you may as well bring the mountain, if I don't agree, no force on earth could drag me to it). I've been bad off enough other people have had to dress me, I'm so unable to make a decision or think what's needed (camisoles in winter? Down parkas in summer? Done both. Just because I happened to be hot from the shower and the 0 degree weather outside couldn't penetrate the "hot now" thing in my head, or the parka was by my hand in the closet.). But I'm not always this stupid. My baseline is at least 3 IQ points higher ;)

His baseline may always be day to day (and when things get bad, hourly), or it may bump up to weekly, monthly, etc.

Do your planning / what makes you happy. How much you share with him? That will be something you two negotiate.
 
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