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How to cope with aging when i still feel & act like a child

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Snowglobe

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I feel like every few years I 'wake up' a bit from dissociation and then reality of my life and time lost hits me. I'm currently 'waking up ' again and I've gotten old. I'm 37 but I feel and act and dress & live like a teenager even a child in many ways but without the energy and hope anymore. I have nothing and nobody and no job no money. I have therapy and a mental health nurse who I see once a week.

Before I finally snapped and broke down about 10 years ago I had a promising life ahead of me. I was behind people my age in terms or career and relationship but I was starting out on a career and it held a lot of promise and I was beginning to really start my life. I then was drugged & raped and a few very intense family things were happening which went on for years and years so I was never able to recover. I had moved overseas to be with family so I had no friends or support networks and my dissociation just enveloped me and I've not been able to break out since.

I've become chronically mentally unwell and a completely different person. I worked so so hard to reach where I did and I always dreamed of having a home and a marriage and children. It all is lost to me now. I don't even have enough income to save for any comfort in my old age. I'm living hand to mouth with money and food and I'm ashamed to be this way and I know my family are deeply sad and ashamed I didn't turn out well in the end. I barely leave my studio room because of panic & anxiety & shame - it's not even a house basically it's a bedsit. I feel void of any of the hopeful energy that once drove me.

Waking up to this is incredibly hard. I've dissociated my life away and I feel like everything now is pointless because I can never be good enough anymore. Even working out - which I am trying to get back into, even then I will never reach what I was. Everything I do feels like I'm in deficit. I've lost my life and I'm terrified of going back into a dissociated sleep and waking up again and finding every single ounce of my life has gone.

I have no friends because I cut everyone out when I became unwell because I didn't want people to know. They weren't even real friends just people I knew from work. The emptiness and sense of loss and humiliation is vast. The world has moved on and I have stayed the same or deteriorated. I used to look about 15 years younger for my age which was a helpful asset but literally lately these last few months I've aged quickly and I don't know if that because I'm waking up and noticing and really seeing this 37 year old or if it's just suddenly caught up biologically as well as mentally as I've progressed in therapy. Like I've been frozen in time and now the unfreeze is happening in therapy it is happening to my body at the same time. I know it might sound vain but it was the last bonus I had - looking and feeling young. It's devastating to wake up to this. I don't know how to motivate myself to move forward. There feels like no forward for me because there's no goals left.

Can anyone relate?
 
This happens from time to time as a consequence of trauma. It is treatable and can improve.

I one heard Dr Drew, a famous doctor in the US, talk about his experience as an addiction medicine doctor at a college event. He described how noticed that many patients would have a voice that sounded like it was "stuck" at a certain age - they would generally sound much younger than by actually are on the phone. He started to ask if something happened at day, 8-11 years old or whatever age they sounded. Sure enough most of those that sounded young had something very traumatic that happened and stopped their development in a way.

My own trauma therapist has described that she worked with people who have very young or teenager-ish like ways of responding to the world and living, and that a core part of the work was to help them resolve the trauma and grow up into the adults that they already are today.

Facing mid-life is hard for many, and facing the grief of the battle with trauma and PTSD makes it even harder.

Even on the forum there are many people even decades older than you building wonderful futures and finding peace and joy. You are not a teenager anymore, but you can have a great and long future ahead.

The time that has past is not time lost but may be just the first chapter in a beautiful story of recovery.

It may feel very hopeless right now - and that's the PTSD and grief taking. Feelings are not facts. Fighting any mental health condition can rob us of so much, but don't let it rob you of hope and of working for a better future.

Are there any older adults that you connect with? I volunteer at an adopt a grandparent program. I didn't expect this, but every now and then, when I worry it's too late for me, I think of the amazing wonderful older adults who have worked hard to sort through various challenges in life, often at much later ages than me, and yet they are finding joy. Very few people make it to mature adulthood and can look back and say they lived the life they dreamed of living. There is a saying, that "youth is wasted on the young" - so common its attributed to a number of people. This saying comes from the reality that it's common to struggle with some of these issues even without trauma. Years lost due to trauma and PTSD does make it harder. My heart goes out to you. You may have some grieving to do, but I don't believe all is lost. This forum may be a way to connect with others in their journeys and see that you are not alone in this struggle and there is great cause for hope.
 
JustMeHere has left you with some very encouraging words. It has even helped me! I am 39 and sometimes I feel as though I have wasted much of my life in survival mode and don't even know how I got to where I am now. Like my life has just rolled on with me in my own world trying to get through the pain and the trauma. I do believe it is a self preservation skill that we attain to keep muddling through. I understand the despair you feel. It's so real and so consuming. Just know that you are not alone in this and that many of us, I am sure, have felt these feelings. It's part of the PTSD. You most definitely have time to become what you feel you are meant to become. You can start now in achieving your goals and dreams. Hugs to you!
 
For me, the change came when I asked myself whether I really want to spend the next 40 years wishing I'd done more with my first 30 years?

No. I don't. I may be around for a while yet, so even thougfh I'm starting from scratch? Beats not starting at all.
 
I am a lot older than you at sixty two years old, I had to grapple with trauma and growing older gracefully. I too have a teenage part and am trying very hard to look my age. I cannot die my hair anymore because I developed a very bad allergic reaction to it so my hair is still blonde but has more and more silver in it.

I still do many things I did at a younger age, but now in moderation. I feel I have been successful in coming to terms with my age.

I had many, many traumas growing up and way into adulthood so I am surely behind in many ways and I am also living month to month financially which is harder to do. I finally thankfully have a small cushion of savings for emergencies and so forth.

You are so young still and have so many good years still in front of you. Try to look in the mirror knowing that you still look good. It has taken me my entire life span to get to where I am today and I still have a long way to go on coping better and managing symptoms because the last almost six months of my life has been extremely stressful.

I do not dwell on negative thoughts if I can help it and even so I still am processing deep feelings of grief at the moment and I have my good days and bad days.

Give yourself the idea that you have been given a second chance at life and as you heal and recover, it will get better for you, more and more. Life is not fair at all. But it is not all bad times and pain. I am finding a very creative side to me now that I have accepted where I am in life age wise. Sure the body is older and i cannot be the same person, doing some of the things I used to do, yet I still manage to have an enjoyable life part of the time and you will see it and realize it for yourself as well. I sure hope that this is helpful to you.

Also I do not give myself a hard time on all of the things I did not do because I am now doing new things at a slower pace.
 
Wow. I relate to this thread so much.
The time that has past is not time lost but may be just the first chapter in a beautiful story of recovery.
This quote is so powerful! It really spoke to me & gave me so much hope.
I will keep this quote to challenge my negative thoughts. When I feel like my whole life has been a big waste of time & start to wonder what's the point in continuing.
I have such a bullying head, there's a part of me that's just absorbed all the negative things I heard growing up & just repeats it to me & judges me.
It's a horrible bully as it gets me when I'm at my lowest. When I'm already feeling down & need something to lift me up. It does the reverse.
I'm observing it & collecting data. I think the first step is awareness they say. So I'm hoping I can challenge them next.
I'm learning bit by bit what my triggers are for dissociating.
As before I would just find myself reacting or dissociating without any understanding. & then I just felt victimised by my mind. Like my mind controlled me. & im so sick of that being my story now. The abusers took my childhood... but now my mind takes my present. So I want to take it back!!! I want to have a shot at creating my future.
It is so hard! So so so challenging. & seems impossible at times.
But I'm trying to give it my best attempt. Cos after all I survived. So I don't want it to all count for nothing.
This forum & the survivors group I attend really give me that hope I've been lacking. That support to gain motivation to keep trying.
I realise I'm not alone. That we are all out here in the world trying to battle our minds having to battle dissociation & emotional flashbacks on a daily basis.
& hear & see success stories. & it makes me want to have that too.
So my mental boxing gloves are on haha & im ready for action day by day.
Some days self care is as good as it gets. But even that is a small victory for me considering where I've come from.

Anyways thank u so much for starting this thread. & I'm so grateful for this site & everyone on it.
 
I kind of relate. I act like I am 22, and 4-5 months ago I looked the part. Lately, I have been feeling older. I look about 24-32; from stress. It depends on the day and how I am feeling. I'm 29 right now. I could have moved out on my own at 26 but I found someone. He tore me apart mentally, even moreso than before. I blocked out most of the physical abuse. Some parts of the physical abuse creeps up once in a while. I have days where I act 18 and days when I act 35-40 (at least what I perceive to be that age range).
The worst is when I tell people I still live at home. Let the judgement begin! I try to have a positive mind set most days but some days are hard. I feel like I am slowly starting to catch up to my age. Especially when I try to befriend a 22 year old. I realize how I have matured and it makes me happy - in a way.
 
I feel like every few years I 'wake up' a bit from dissociation and then reality of my life and time...

Oh yes very relatable. Living wise I have a super small efficiency and I haven't worked for 8+ years. I have no friends aside from one person who has always been there. Me being a depressive resulted in other people giving up as I guess I'm just not worth the effort.

I wish I had some words of wisdom but your story I can relate to. I wish you the best.
 
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