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Relationship How To Deal With The Loss

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amourlily

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Sorry this is going to be a long post.

I joined the group several months ago after I started a relationship with a man with ptsd. He was a combat medic in Iraq, suffering a TBI when the vehicle he was in was hit by an IED. He was the only survivor. If you read my past posts you would see that we struggled in our relationship. It was complicated further by past girlfriends and I chose to leave.

We were pregnant at the time. A month later, we had a miscarriage. He had a suicide attempt that night. We reconnected through our pain and I moved back across the country to give us another chance. We kept each other going and it seemed like things were looking up. He was still struggling and trying to figure out how to get himself leveled out. He sought help through the VA including medications and groups three times a week. He hid a lot of his pain from them. He was drinking heavily to numb his pain and was mixing it with his prescribed Valium dose.

In august he was told his one on one therapist was leaving and he would have to start everything over with someone new. It didn't help that the new therapist was a male intern who was only 24. He went into a downward spiral, getting into trouble with the law. He was given a second chance, put on six months probation. He was still struggling to keep going, having lost a lot of faith in the program he thought was going to save him. His drinking continued, some mornings the first thing he reached for was a beer.

Our relationship suffered during all his struggles with court and I moved out to give him space but kept supporting him through phone calls and text. We moved back in together in September. A month later we found out I was pregnant again. He was happy but scared about being a dad. He was afraid of how his ptsd would affect his relationship with a child.

He was still in deep depression and when i was hospitalized at 15 weeks pregnant he was thrown back into an environment he couldn't stand anymore. He hated just the smell of the hospital, became agitated easily and didn't feel comfortable staying there. Then he felt he had let me down by not being there for me.

The first of January we found out we are having a little boy. He was facing a new charge for assault (he pushed over a motorcyclist who busted the mirror on his truck) the middle of January and was afraid he would be sent to jail because he was on probation.

We had begun fighting over his increased drinking. I didn't want our son born to an alcoholic father. He didn't see himself as an alcoholic. January 15 we had a fight and he went to the store. He got into a fight with a man outside of the grocery store and came home convinced the police would be coming to arrest him. He called 911 and said he was a suicidal combat veteran and that he wanted the police to shoot him. He said he had a gun and he would draw, intending no harm to the officers, just wanting them to take his life.

The police arrived and in the span of fifteen minutes the man I love went from needing someone to step in and take him to get help to being shot by an officer. Me and his mother were in the parking lot when we heard the gunshot. We were standing by a police officer who had just told us they were talking calmly with him and thought they would be able to get him to the help he needed.
I'm angry. At myself and how the police handled the situation. I should have done a million things different. I should have never got in a fight with him. I should have pushed him long before to seek the intense hep he needed. I was afraid of losing him and in the end i lost him forever.

We just received the police report. He had his hand on his gun but the gun never left the holster. The officers clearly knew he was drinking and also had taken a large dose of Valium. He was slurring his words and stumbling. We know that there was an officer positioned behind him that he was unaware of. Its the events that happened in the last seconds of his life that I will never understand. Instead of trying to incapacitate this clearly suicidal man with either tazer, bean bags, or rubber bullets, the officer shot my love in the back from 10 ft away with a rifle.

How do i move forward when all i want to do is scream?

I'm so angry and all I do is miss every moment we had. I will never understand. I'm 23 weeks along now. Our son will never know his father. He will never get to feel his hugs, hold his hand. How do I keep any faith in this world when things like this happen? How will I explain to his son what happened?
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Hi Armourlily. I am so sorry for your loss under such difficult circumstances. The one thing that you can now know for sure is that his suffering has ended and he has gone on to a happier place. Hold tight to your precious little bundle of joy, a special gift from a special man. ((((hugs))))
 
Hi Armourlily. Im sorry this had to happen to you, I was a combat medic like your partner, I fought in a different war before Iraq,I saw things I shouldnt have seen and did things I shouldnt have done, the black dogs chased me, like they probably chased your partner, I put my life in danger, just like your partner did that night, but mine were more subtle I went into dangerous conditions in the hope someone would end it for me.

He died because he didnt want to burden you with his dark dogs and he felt he couldnt carry them anymore, the system failed him, both military and civilian. But he loved you, and he loved your baby too, its just that those dark things he saw can not be explained to anybody, only those who lived through it can maybe have a small idea what went on in your partners mind.

A great man was stolen from us, by a beast who is a coward,who cares for no one and because he leaves no scars is not a concern for our wonderful governments.

I salute him for his service, and weep for his loss of time with you and his child. I may be a lonely old bastard but if you need anything, please shout.

Stay strong and stay safe, and tell your child when you can that his/her daddy was a hero.
 
Amourlily,

I am deeply sorry for your loss and I offer my deepest condolences. I am very sorry it ended that way. Please keep us updated on your health, your coping with the loss and of course of your child.

I wish you the very best.

Ayesha
 
Amourlily, I am so very sorry for your loss. My heartfelt condolences to you, and your partner's family.

I think nomedic1 has provided a really useful insight into how it may have been for your partner.

I am sorry that you are plagued by all the "what if" scenarios. All those questions, scenarios, that play out in your mind, can really be an awful burden to carry. Your grief must be incredibly raw right now and I imagine that you will be going through quite a rollercoaster of emotions - some of which you may not even be able to identify right now as you may not have ever felt them before. Whilst you need to 'carry on' for your little one, please allow yourself to grieve and to go through all the emotions. Trying to be strong is one thing - but stifling your emotions is another.

Remind your son every day that his Father is a hero. Hold him close, and tell him everyday, how much his Daddy loves him.

B x
 
Hugs to you and your son Amourlily.

Keep photos of him around if you can, keep telling your son stories about his daddy, and keep the memories you have of him safe in your heart.
 
Grief after the death of a loved one is very extremely difficult. But on top of that you've got quite a traumatic, sudden and shocking death story experience.

Right now, your brain is just trying to make sense of what happened. Also it's very natural to speculate through various 'What Ifs', for yourself, him, and all other parties. The mind is looking for something to blame, and also looking for mistakes that were made.

But this is a death situation, so obsessing over hypothetical what-if's, doesn't really accomplish much. As you can't change the past. It can also be an easy way to keep the mind busy as a way to avoid your new reality.

Mentally accepting what happened is an important starting point before you can really even start the grieving or mourning process. This doesn't mean that you shouldn't take legal action if there's something that can be reasonably pursued, but obsessively emotionally hiding in 'finding justice' can also be self-harmful.

So try to be gentle with yourself, and allow whatever emotions, feelings, and frustrations to come up. Also try to find a safe place and time to fully express those feelings, and even better if you have someone you could talk out those feelings with.

Once the initial shock period wears off, then there could be another wave of emotions come through, then you could start dealing with memorializing him and also grieving and mourning your loss.

Grief can be a ton of work and can take a lot of time. Try to be kind and patient with yourself and the process.
 
I am so sorry for your loss. If his hand was on the gun but it never left the holster, and he had declared he was suicidal, and not threatened anyone, I think you should probably sue. It will not bring your husband back, but will maybe net you a little bit of money. More importantly it will hold the department accountable.

I wish I had something better to say, more useful. I am so sorry. Just, try as best as you can to heal and move on with your life, I am sure its what he would of wanted. Let yourself grieve, but once you've done that, let yourself be happy again, however impossible that may sound.
 
amourlily

I am so sorry for you and your son's loss. I wish the whole thing never happened. Your husband was a hero chased by the demons of war. He needed help and his life was cut short. If you can look into seeing someone for the awful experience you just went through. It sometimes help to have someone experienced with trauma work to help. Take care of yourself and your son. We are here.

TB
 
Dear Armourlily,

I cried when I read your story, more so when I saw the picture of the one you lost. I am so very sorry for you, for your son, and the man who just could not go on. There for the grace of God go I, and many like me.

Please lay the fault where it truly belongs, and that is clearly not on you. You had done all you could. Hindsight and all that rot, but your case was above and beyond the usual that those of us throw hindsight at. You could not have known, you could not have pushed, you could not have done anything differently. You loved your husband, but sometimes love isn't enough to give us all the tools we need, and hindsight is elusive to even the most intelligent people on earth. Sometimes we run out of chances. And then sometimes bad things happen.

I don't pretend to know what ran through that officer's head that day either. Perhaps he was young and new. Perhaps he truly perceived a threat, real or not. Perhaps he was just plain dumb.

My deepest wish for you is that someday you find hope among the rubble, that your son will bring you an inordinate amount of joy that will be a testament to the kind of man his father truly was. May God grant you the strength and the love you so richly deserve, and peace within your soul. Amen.
 
Thank you for everyone's kind and supportive words. I miss him everyday. I'm so scared I'm going to fall apart when I go into delivery because he's not there to hold my hand and keep me safe.

I hate having to deal with the police. I've actually got to email mistakes they reported in my statement and it makes me wonder. If they got stuff wrong that I know, what else have they messed up.

I hate how it seems like all the people who took advantage of him and his kindness in life pop up to try and abuse him even after death. His mom doesn't deserve that. She just lost her baby. We were both there to hear the gunshot.

I've started a daddy book for the baby with pictures and some of his favorite quotes. I got his parents an electronic photo frame so they can always see him. His dad just had all of his medals mounted in a memory box with his flag.

Our son will know what an amazing man his father was. There are thankfully many good people who loved him and will help me keep his memory alive. I just want him here.
 
Unfortunately, they may try to cover up for one of their own. And they may not. All anyone wants is the simple truth and the answer to "Why?" Again, that may not fully happen. I hope you receive the answers you need.

You are going to be a wonderful Mom, full of hope and joy for your your baby, because that is what Moms do, and that is what babies bring. The grieving will step into the background as these things take place, all in due time.

I would suggest grief counselling because of all you have been through, and all you will be going through in the future. Take all of the help you can get, and take all of the time you need, there are no limits. God bless you and your family during this nightmare.

Have someone trusted in the delivery room with you. You won't fall apart, you will be concentrating on getting that beautiful boy out :) And afterwards, the tears of joy will be mixed with tears of sadness and bitterness. But that baby will change your world.
 
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