Sorry this is going to be a long post.
I joined the group several months ago after I started a relationship with a man with ptsd. He was a combat medic in Iraq, suffering a TBI when the vehicle he was in was hit by an IED. He was the only survivor. If you read my past posts you would see that we struggled in our relationship. It was complicated further by past girlfriends and I chose to leave.
We were pregnant at the time. A month later, we had a miscarriage. He had a suicide attempt that night. We reconnected through our pain and I moved back across the country to give us another chance. We kept each other going and it seemed like things were looking up. He was still struggling and trying to figure out how to get himself leveled out. He sought help through the VA including medications and groups three times a week. He hid a lot of his pain from them. He was drinking heavily to numb his pain and was mixing it with his prescribed Valium dose.
In august he was told his one on one therapist was leaving and he would have to start everything over with someone new. It didn't help that the new therapist was a male intern who was only 24. He went into a downward spiral, getting into trouble with the law. He was given a second chance, put on six months probation. He was still struggling to keep going, having lost a lot of faith in the program he thought was going to save him. His drinking continued, some mornings the first thing he reached for was a beer.
Our relationship suffered during all his struggles with court and I moved out to give him space but kept supporting him through phone calls and text. We moved back in together in September. A month later we found out I was pregnant again. He was happy but scared about being a dad. He was afraid of how his ptsd would affect his relationship with a child.
He was still in deep depression and when i was hospitalized at 15 weeks pregnant he was thrown back into an environment he couldn't stand anymore. He hated just the smell of the hospital, became agitated easily and didn't feel comfortable staying there. Then he felt he had let me down by not being there for me.
The first of January we found out we are having a little boy. He was facing a new charge for assault (he pushed over a motorcyclist who busted the mirror on his truck) the middle of January and was afraid he would be sent to jail because he was on probation.
We had begun fighting over his increased drinking. I didn't want our son born to an alcoholic father. He didn't see himself as an alcoholic. January 15 we had a fight and he went to the store. He got into a fight with a man outside of the grocery store and came home convinced the police would be coming to arrest him. He called 911 and said he was a suicidal combat veteran and that he wanted the police to shoot him. He said he had a gun and he would draw, intending no harm to the officers, just wanting them to take his life.
The police arrived and in the span of fifteen minutes the man I love went from needing someone to step in and take him to get help to being shot by an officer. Me and his mother were in the parking lot when we heard the gunshot. We were standing by a police officer who had just told us they were talking calmly with him and thought they would be able to get him to the help he needed.
I'm angry. At myself and how the police handled the situation. I should have done a million things different. I should have never got in a fight with him. I should have pushed him long before to seek the intense hep he needed. I was afraid of losing him and in the end i lost him forever.
We just received the police report. He had his hand on his gun but the gun never left the holster. The officers clearly knew he was drinking and also had taken a large dose of Valium. He was slurring his words and stumbling. We know that there was an officer positioned behind him that he was unaware of. Its the events that happened in the last seconds of his life that I will never understand. Instead of trying to incapacitate this clearly suicidal man with either tazer, bean bags, or rubber bullets, the officer shot my love in the back from 10 ft away with a rifle.
How do i move forward when all i want to do is scream?
I'm so angry and all I do is miss every moment we had. I will never understand. I'm 23 weeks along now. Our son will never know his father. He will never get to feel his hugs, hold his hand. How do I keep any faith in this world when things like this happen? How will I explain to his son what happened?
I joined the group several months ago after I started a relationship with a man with ptsd. He was a combat medic in Iraq, suffering a TBI when the vehicle he was in was hit by an IED. He was the only survivor. If you read my past posts you would see that we struggled in our relationship. It was complicated further by past girlfriends and I chose to leave.
We were pregnant at the time. A month later, we had a miscarriage. He had a suicide attempt that night. We reconnected through our pain and I moved back across the country to give us another chance. We kept each other going and it seemed like things were looking up. He was still struggling and trying to figure out how to get himself leveled out. He sought help through the VA including medications and groups three times a week. He hid a lot of his pain from them. He was drinking heavily to numb his pain and was mixing it with his prescribed Valium dose.
In august he was told his one on one therapist was leaving and he would have to start everything over with someone new. It didn't help that the new therapist was a male intern who was only 24. He went into a downward spiral, getting into trouble with the law. He was given a second chance, put on six months probation. He was still struggling to keep going, having lost a lot of faith in the program he thought was going to save him. His drinking continued, some mornings the first thing he reached for was a beer.
Our relationship suffered during all his struggles with court and I moved out to give him space but kept supporting him through phone calls and text. We moved back in together in September. A month later we found out I was pregnant again. He was happy but scared about being a dad. He was afraid of how his ptsd would affect his relationship with a child.
He was still in deep depression and when i was hospitalized at 15 weeks pregnant he was thrown back into an environment he couldn't stand anymore. He hated just the smell of the hospital, became agitated easily and didn't feel comfortable staying there. Then he felt he had let me down by not being there for me.
The first of January we found out we are having a little boy. He was facing a new charge for assault (he pushed over a motorcyclist who busted the mirror on his truck) the middle of January and was afraid he would be sent to jail because he was on probation.
We had begun fighting over his increased drinking. I didn't want our son born to an alcoholic father. He didn't see himself as an alcoholic. January 15 we had a fight and he went to the store. He got into a fight with a man outside of the grocery store and came home convinced the police would be coming to arrest him. He called 911 and said he was a suicidal combat veteran and that he wanted the police to shoot him. He said he had a gun and he would draw, intending no harm to the officers, just wanting them to take his life.
The police arrived and in the span of fifteen minutes the man I love went from needing someone to step in and take him to get help to being shot by an officer. Me and his mother were in the parking lot when we heard the gunshot. We were standing by a police officer who had just told us they were talking calmly with him and thought they would be able to get him to the help he needed.
I'm angry. At myself and how the police handled the situation. I should have done a million things different. I should have never got in a fight with him. I should have pushed him long before to seek the intense hep he needed. I was afraid of losing him and in the end i lost him forever.
We just received the police report. He had his hand on his gun but the gun never left the holster. The officers clearly knew he was drinking and also had taken a large dose of Valium. He was slurring his words and stumbling. We know that there was an officer positioned behind him that he was unaware of. Its the events that happened in the last seconds of his life that I will never understand. Instead of trying to incapacitate this clearly suicidal man with either tazer, bean bags, or rubber bullets, the officer shot my love in the back from 10 ft away with a rifle.
How do i move forward when all i want to do is scream?
I'm so angry and all I do is miss every moment we had. I will never understand. I'm 23 weeks along now. Our son will never know his father. He will never get to feel his hugs, hold his hand. How do I keep any faith in this world when things like this happen? How will I explain to his son what happened?