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How to Deal

Discussion in 'General' started by cdunny, Sep 16, 2006.

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  1. cdunny

    cdunny Active Member

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    Some of you know, that my husband and I both have PTSD, although he is unaware of my diagnosis. He just got out of the army and we just had a baby. He took a job I sugested him not take cause I knew it was going to be high stress and it was far from home. Lately he has been getting more and more unhappy with his job. He put in for disability and I am going to be leaving for bootcamp in about 6 months. I was sure that with the knowledge that he would only have to work for a few more months, it would boost his morale. Not so. He has not been to work in 3 days. He has asked me find a job so he can quit. I have no skills and there are very few jobs around here. I would have to take a job working at a fast food joint or something. I would not make but a third of what he is making now, and we would not have health insurance.

    I am just devastated. I dont know what to do. He started crying telling me he just couldnt do it anymore. Im so angry at him. I just want to tell him to get over it and get off his ass and support his family. I have already agreed to support the family if he will just give me long enough to get to bootcamp and its like it isnt good enough for him. I told him not to take the job too. Now we are on the other side of the country with no money, no family, no friends... and he just stops. Its like he just fell off the wagon. I dont think its fair.

    I have PTSD too and I struggle with it every day. It is hard to get up with my little girl and put a smile on my face and play with her. It is hard to go into my recruiters office and pretend that nothing is wrong cause I know they wont take me if they knew. It is hard to put the hurts of my past behind me and move on with my life. It is hard to give him the sex life he wants when all I see is my abuser. It is hard taking care of a family. Living with PTSD is hard... but you cant just stop living. I know what hes going through so I feel for him, and it breaks my heart to see a man once so strong and vibrant, mope around the house with tears in his eyes. But we have a little girl to think of. I feel like hes put everything on me. I use to feel safe around him. And now I can barely look at him.
     
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  3. piglet

    piglet Well-Known Member

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    I feel for you CD. Please don't take this the wrong way, but remember your other half does not know about your ptsd. How different do you think he'd be if he knew?

    Do you think you could both find a better way forward if you were straight with him. It's a horrible situation to be in, but you are putting so much pressure of yourself, it can't be helping at all.
     
  4. cdunny

    cdunny Active Member

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    I know what your saying. sometimes I think he should know cause it would help us both heal. But I got my PTSD cause I was assaulted while he was in Iraq. Im afraid if I tell him, he will blame himself cause he wasnt there to protect me. There is also the bigger part of having to explain it to him. I cant do that. Especially since he knows the person that assaulted me. Its just a really messed up situation that I need to move forward from, involving as little people as possible. Thanks though.
     
  5. piglet

    piglet Well-Known Member

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    You're welcome. How do you think he would feel if he found out from another source - is that possible? I'm just wondering if this big secret you are carrying is the thing causing part of the problems you are both facing?

    I've no right to say it, but sometimes it's better to face the music in the long run. Maybe you could work out a solution in therapy? Have you already discussed the options with your therapist?
     
  6. carpediem2006

    carpediem2006 Active Member

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    Hi there

    I do hope you have talked to someone about the assault, even if the first step is an anonymous helpline. I do not believe until you have got that out (through more than typing on here, although that is also a good step forward), you will hinder getting yourself better.

    While you have been assaulted I do believe you can make a true recovery. However, not talking about this with your husband may be making this more traumatic for you, if you have flashbacks during sex with your husband. It may also affect the relationship if you simply needs space and feels he is being pushed away without understanding why, as he is also in a vulnerable place right now. I cannot advise what is best in that but hope that you can have access to free or affordable couselling...a national US helpline is available from [DLMURL]http://www.rainn.org/[/DLMURL] or by calling 1.800.656.HOPE (24/7). They may also be able to advise you of assistance in your area. For your local center for victims of sexual abuse see
    [DLMURL]http://tools.rainn.org/counseling-centers/index.html[/DLMURL] and enter your zip code. If you are outside the US, and want other numbers pls send me a private message and I will try to find them for you.

    All the best

    Carp
     
  7. cdunny

    cdunny Active Member

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    Thanks carpediem. I got counseling last year when he got back from Iraq. It was very helpful in dealing with the trauma, and I talked to my preacher about it and that helped tons. It was so nice to hear a man of God I respect so much tell me that I have nothing to be ashamed of or feel guilty about. With both I have discussed talking about it with my husband. My psychologist said that if I wasnt ready then I should wait till I am, and my preacher said he did not condone maried couples keeping secrets but in this particular case it was probably best for at least right now. The flashbacks arent too bad. I just get angry cause its affecting me and then I medaphoricly fip him the bird and say "your not ruining my life" and keep on keepin on. It is very important for me to move past this and not let it affect my life so negatively. I have started remembering some of the things my psychologist told me last year, and when I start to feel afraid or angry I just do breathing excersizes and tell myself that its all going to be okay and that Im fine. It actually helps more than you would think. We did EMDR therapy, so usually when I feel myself starting to get worked up I will kind of alter what we did and just find something to focus on like a doorknob or something. And I will do the excersizes and allow myself to relax. Sometimes that is hard with a screaming 8 month old though:crazy-eye. But Its all a balancing act and I think I am overall getting much better. Thanks for the continued support though.
     
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