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Sufferer How To Heal The Pain That Is Buried In My Body?

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Murakami

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I'm a 42 years old woman. Adopted to Europe at age 5, no memory from childhood years before adoption. Probably victim of CSA. There are just too many symptoms to deny it anymore: including a past of using sex as an emotional currency. Last few weeks, out of the blue, my body starts shaking if I feel my boyfriend is cuddling too intensely. I'm itching all over and I feel suffocated and trapped. It's so intense I have to push him away:-(

For many years I was in denial. Was adamant on being successful, so ignoring my feelings was a very efficient way to cope. Until it just didn't work anymore. I have been many years in therapy, taken courses, I'm not suicidal anymore. The rainbow of prescription drugs I've tried, never helped much. I'm a bit at a loss now how to grow further. It feels like all my pains got buried in some secret chest as a kid, i.e. my body and I threw away the key.

Yes, yes... it has helped to working out regularly, especially vs sleeplessness. I'm trying hard to have some structure in my routines, but it seems that I'm very good at avoiding things. I know so well what I "should" (throwing away stuff I don't use, spend more time on constructive things) and "shouldn't" do (shopping sprees, eating, gaming)... But it seems to me my self pity is limitless in weak moments. After I autopilot myself to some mental or physical treats, comes the remorse and self-loathing. It's like an endless cycle.

I'm loosing my dear therapist soon. The only one who helped me understand why I do all the crazy shit I do. Spacing out is a real threat! I've had 3 accidents last 6 months due to not being in the moment, including breaking 3 ribs.

I'm looking for ways, methods, techniques... anything that can help me overcome my past. Since I now understand that I can't change it, the only thing I CAN change is my future.

I chose the nick murakami, cuz the japanese author Haruki Murakami so wonderfully describes what it is to be lonely. Maybe sharing here can soothe that feeling of being lost:-)

Diagnosed: CPTSD, BORDERLINE, MAJOR DEPRESSION not quite D. I. D but several distinct character sets.
 
Hi Murakami,

Welcome to the forum.

I'm a Haruki Murakami fan, and thought of that immediately when I saw your user name. (Favourite books - A Wild Sheep Chase and The Wind Up Bird Chronicle.)

Have you considered somatic therapy? I've had craniosacral therapy, and am now having body psychotherapy among other things. I know other people have found that somatic experiencing is right for them. It's interesting because mixed up in what you say are indications of your body processing trauma - itching, shaking. It may not feel like a release, but that's what your body is trying to do here. It's trying to start to process what it's been holding.

I think having accidents is also a classic sign of the need for addressing body messages going unmet.

I'm sorry that you're going to lose a therapist who you feel a strong bond with. I wonder if the universe's plan is for you to now find a different therapist for the next part of this journey.

I was wrenched away from a therapist I loved, by circumstances and not from my choice. At the time it felt like the worst thing that could have happened, but later I came to see that being forced to find a new therapist as a result was a blessing in disguise. I needed to move on to a different focus, and wouldn't have done that on my own so the universe forced me to.

This is a hard journey, I know. I hope that being here on the forum will help you.
 
One more thing, I don't know if this would apply to you and your boyfriend but it's also possible you don't want to be with him physically anymore. That's the response I had with a guy I was with a long time and it needed to be over.

Please disregard if that doesn't apply to you.
 
ty Hashi for your thoughts, cool someone else who sees the loneliness in murakami books. I even got my beloved T to read him... ranting bout his books:)

Yea, I tried cranio-sacral therapy. it's a long time ago but quite helpful. I don't know if that was the therapy or that she was a fantastic T. In my experience, if I have a T that actually cares a bit about me and listens carefully, but cuts through when I'm using words as a shield... it doesn't matter so much what type of therapy it is. We all long to be heard, I think:)
 
Welcome and I'm sorry for what you are going thru.

I want to second Hashi's mention of Somatic Therapy. I have found it very helpful.
that's an interesting tip! will check it out. In my country free counselling only with some T, so might be limited selection.

One more thing, I don't know if this would apply to you and your boyfriend but it's also possible you don't want to be with him physically anymore. That's the response I had with a guy I was with a long time and it needed to be over.

Please disregard if that doesn't apply to you.
I hope not lol. My first serious bf in years!

" interesting because mixed up in what you say are indications of your body processing trauma - itching, shaking. It may not feel like a release, but that's what your body is trying to do here. It's trying to start to process what it's been holding.

I think having accidents is also a classic sign of the need for addressing body messages going unmet."

Hashi: Oh... I haven't thought about it that way. Phew, now I feel oddly relieved if it's just processing what I've been suppressing all these years. Ty! I will try explain that to my very patient and kind bf, who feels rejected.
 
There are just too many symptoms to deny it anymore: including a past of using sex as an emotional currency.

Hello, just so you don't necessarily fixate or worry too much about it: there aren't classic signs or symptoms that are exclusive to adults who were sexually abused and countless causes can lead to using sex as emotional currency, it's not uncommon! Abuse plays out in multifaceted, individual ways, which can easily overlap with many other events and issues. There just isn't a way to take symptoms and actually determine they were the result of abuse that isn't remembered, though it's understandable why we'd want to do that!

Adopted to Europe at age 5, no memory from childhood years before adoption

Just so you don't worry about that either, the "average" age of people's first experiential memory, although it varies based on culture, gender and other factors, is about 4.7 years old, so not remembering anything before the age of five isn't surprising. Many people may know of events that happened very early in their lives, but part of that knowledge comes from the "memory" being reinforced by family members, as someone adopted, you would not have had anyone to reinforce memories of the time before you were five sadly.
 
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Hello, just so you don't necessarily fixate or worry too much about it: there aren't classic signs or symptoms that are exclusive to adults who were sexually abused and countless causes can lead to using sex as emotional currency, it's not uncommon!

(...) not remembering anything before the age of five isn't surprising. Many people may know of events that happened very early in their lives, but part of that knowledge comes from the "memory" being reinforced by family members.

You're quite right on both accounts. I did not provide the full list of my symptoms, though, due to lack of space. I'm also conscious of editing a bit both to not bore and for privacy reasons. I come from very small country.

My first longterm T suggest CSA already 19 years ago. Also the T before him suggested the same. But I was vehemently opposed to any such ideas for years, cuz I really hate talking or thinking of myself as a victim in any way or form. I guess that's part of my survival kit, being overly independent and "strong".

Ty, still for valid and valuable arguments in the debate. I agree that not having transparency in such grave matters is confusing and can open up drytumbling thoughts which lead to nothing.
 
I'm sorry you have traumatic amnesia. Just not knowing your first five years is a sign of trauma since most people have some glimpses of life prior to kindergarten. And being adopted at such a late age is traumatic by itself. Whatever your life was, it was ripped away at an age you didn't comprehend why. :( I get that.

Good on you for doing the therapy.

I second Leah that you don't know yet, so don't assume too much. But you may be started to get messages from the blocked memories in bits and be reading them, or it could be otherwise.

For example, it could be that what your body is telling you is that you had this close bonded relationship with a bio parent or grandparent that you lost/abandonment. Therefore, it's like "oh here's that good feeling...OMG it's going to be ripped away again!"

Until you get more in touch with the inner <5 year old, you may not know how to unravel this one. Stay with it and keep the love strong both ways. :)
 
@AnD, I've noticed that you're posting (advertising?) this on a large number of threads on the forum. I'm wondering if you're in some way connected to Gary Craig and/or emotional freedom technique.

I'm familiar with tapping/emotional freedom technique. I'm also familiar with PTSD, being a sufferer myself. What you say about removing symptoms and trauma in six hours is nonsense. Irresponsible nonsense.

Your posting all over this forum is not something I appreciate. Do you really think that spamming a forum like this is going to benefit you? It speaks volumes about your sincerity and trustworthiness.

This is a forum for sufferers and supporters who are working their way through something incredibly difficult. Please don't trivialise this in the interests of promoting whatever your agenda is.
 
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Murakami,

I'm interested that you had craniosacral therapy! Personally, I think any benefit from therapy is always a combination of therapist and type of therapy.

My guess is that craniosacral therapy has opened that channel for your body to want to/try to process trauma somatically. For example, through itching and shaking. I don't know if you've also experienced sweating, going cold, and unwinding (the body going into movements or positions without our control)?

I would suggest thinking about the possibility that, while you body is trying to follow this channel now, perhaps it/you still needs guidance from a suitable therapist. Otherwise, this can be quite undirected and give little positive result. It's just a thought.
 
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