I'm a 42 years old woman. Adopted to Europe at age 5, no memory from childhood years before adoption. Probably victim of CSA. There are just too many symptoms to deny it anymore: including a past of using sex as an emotional currency. Last few weeks, out of the blue, my body starts shaking if I feel my boyfriend is cuddling too intensely. I'm itching all over and I feel suffocated and trapped. It's so intense I have to push him away:-(
For many years I was in denial. Was adamant on being successful, so ignoring my feelings was a very efficient way to cope. Until it just didn't work anymore. I have been many years in therapy, taken courses, I'm not suicidal anymore. The rainbow of prescription drugs I've tried, never helped much. I'm a bit at a loss now how to grow further. It feels like all my pains got buried in some secret chest as a kid, i.e. my body and I threw away the key.
Yes, yes... it has helped to working out regularly, especially vs sleeplessness. I'm trying hard to have some structure in my routines, but it seems that I'm very good at avoiding things. I know so well what I "should" (throwing away stuff I don't use, spend more time on constructive things) and "shouldn't" do (shopping sprees, eating, gaming)... But it seems to me my self pity is limitless in weak moments. After I autopilot myself to some mental or physical treats, comes the remorse and self-loathing. It's like an endless cycle.
I'm loosing my dear therapist soon. The only one who helped me understand why I do all the crazy shit I do. Spacing out is a real threat! I've had 3 accidents last 6 months due to not being in the moment, including breaking 3 ribs.
I'm looking for ways, methods, techniques... anything that can help me overcome my past. Since I now understand that I can't change it, the only thing I CAN change is my future.
I chose the nick murakami, cuz the japanese author Haruki Murakami so wonderfully describes what it is to be lonely. Maybe sharing here can soothe that feeling of being lost:-)
Diagnosed: CPTSD, BORDERLINE, MAJOR DEPRESSION not quite D. I. D but several distinct character sets.
For many years I was in denial. Was adamant on being successful, so ignoring my feelings was a very efficient way to cope. Until it just didn't work anymore. I have been many years in therapy, taken courses, I'm not suicidal anymore. The rainbow of prescription drugs I've tried, never helped much. I'm a bit at a loss now how to grow further. It feels like all my pains got buried in some secret chest as a kid, i.e. my body and I threw away the key.
Yes, yes... it has helped to working out regularly, especially vs sleeplessness. I'm trying hard to have some structure in my routines, but it seems that I'm very good at avoiding things. I know so well what I "should" (throwing away stuff I don't use, spend more time on constructive things) and "shouldn't" do (shopping sprees, eating, gaming)... But it seems to me my self pity is limitless in weak moments. After I autopilot myself to some mental or physical treats, comes the remorse and self-loathing. It's like an endless cycle.
I'm loosing my dear therapist soon. The only one who helped me understand why I do all the crazy shit I do. Spacing out is a real threat! I've had 3 accidents last 6 months due to not being in the moment, including breaking 3 ribs.
I'm looking for ways, methods, techniques... anything that can help me overcome my past. Since I now understand that I can't change it, the only thing I CAN change is my future.
I chose the nick murakami, cuz the japanese author Haruki Murakami so wonderfully describes what it is to be lonely. Maybe sharing here can soothe that feeling of being lost:-)
Diagnosed: CPTSD, BORDERLINE, MAJOR DEPRESSION not quite D. I. D but several distinct character sets.