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How to Listen Discussion

Discussion in 'General' started by YoungAndAngry, Jun 4, 2006.

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  1. YoungAndAngry

    YoungAndAngry Well-Known Member

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    <added by anthony: this thread has been split from the [DLMURL="http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread232.html"]how to listen[/DLMURL] thread within the interpersonal skills forum.>

    Thanks! :crazy-blu
    Thought I'd make myself feel useful, lol
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 21, 2015
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  3. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Excellent post YA... and very informative. Great topic to be outlined IMHO. I'm sure many of us will take something from it, well... all with PTSD should take something from it actually... especially those with long standing PTSD issues.

    Great job! YA, you are always useful and lovely to chat and learn from. Don't ever think otherwise please... because you would only be doing yourself an injustice.
     
  4. Andrea42

    Andrea42 Active Member

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    ahhh i am dying to read this..but i am at work a cannot sit here and try to figure it all out! its a bunch of html stuff i think! Anthony can you fix it?! I am very interested in what YA has posted!
     
  5. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    All fixed Andrea....
     
  6. piglet

    piglet Well-Known Member

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    I had a discussion with my therapist about an opinion that I am aggressive. I was asked if I thought the person was right. I said that I was direct, not tactful and highly defensive, but I do not consider myself to be aggressive.

    The therapist says she thinks that because I am always so tense, my body language is misinterpreted as being aggressive, when I am not intending that at all! :redface:

    As hard as I try, I just cannot relax in certain situations - for example, facing a bunch of managers at work, but then, who does relax in that kind of situation!

    It's upsets me that people might misunderstand me in such a way that they feel intimidated. I find it quite absurd. All this confusion over a few tense muscles!
     
  7. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    I want to say one thing for you to think about piglet in regard to whether or not you perceive yourself as agressive because your direct with no tact.

    Passive Aggressive

    Passive aggressive people are aggressive with a smile, they are direct, they say what they think regardless what the recipient may feel. They are labelled with the "aggressive" though for those characteristics. Do you think those characteristics are you?

    I have little tact "at times", I can be aggressive "at times" but I choose my battles and the ground they are fought, which I guess eliminates that "aggressive" labelling from me, though I used to fit the mold perfectly as you do.

    There are ways to do things, times to talk, times not to talk, times to listen, times to respond... there is a time and a place for everything, and only we decide whether those are applicable to the purpose.

    For example, is it right if two teachers are having a confrontation where students could hear? No... time and place. However, what needs to be said, needs to be said, so a time and place can be organised for that exchange of words, where it does not any longer pose risk of students hearing the conversation.

    I will let you think about all that piglet, because only you will truly know if you are actually being aggressive or not.... without the additions of "I am direct, I have no tact, etc" being added. Some people have been that way their entire life, because that is their nature, some have become that way over years because of circumstances inflicted upon them... you will know which is right for you.
     
  8. piglet

    piglet Well-Known Member

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    I'm with you there. I'm actually very careful about what I say and when - for example, not losing my rag at my line manager when the problem is coming from further up the hierarchy. What I don't do is wrap things up in cotton wool, sugar coat them, or otherwise go around the houses to get to a point - I cut the crap and say what's bugging me. I don't use abusive or personal language (though I may be thinking it!), I stick to the facts. Obviously, this is the facts as I see them, but fortunately for me, my judgement tends to be pretty good.

    Am I passive aggressive? I don't think so. I did discuss the aggressive label with the psychologist this week - we investigated all possible scenarios about my work situation, looking from my view and my employer's view. Also discussed the difference between hypervigilance and paranoia. Psychologist said that my employer is paranoid and I am hypervigilant! Makes me smile that does! :smile:
     
  9. piglet

    piglet Well-Known Member

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    Did some research on passive-aggressive personality disorder. Relieved to say that I don't tick the boxes on that count. You were right though Anthony - it definitely made me think! Bugged me for quite a while in fact, so I had to go look it up...
     
  10. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    I don't think your passive agressive either, I just wanted you to open your mind to the different logic of aggressiveness, and that portraying yourself in an aggressive manner, is not just about words, but very much the way in which statements are made. Body language is a huge part of it, but when you look at passive agressive, you have to admire the logic behind it, because a person can literally be aggressive with a smile on their face, and to them, they have done nothing aggressive at all. Interesting ha? The aim is being achieved though, in that you now thinking more broadly about aggressiveness, and what is aggressiveness and how many various ways it can be construed as aggressiveness.
     
  11. strawberryburns

    strawberryburns Member

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    I have always considered myself a very non violent hippy type of chic. I have had a few times when I had no choice but to fight back physically, but when it is against a man who is stronger than you it usually does no good. My ex has admitted to me that he purposefully would do things to try to get me to hit him. I never would though. I had to be on guard from the time I was 3 because of my step father and it didn't get any better when I got married, always had to be on guard then too.

    Since leaving my ex I have been told repeatedly by men around me that I am very defensive in my nature and come off as aggressive with my body language toward them and have a look on my face like it's getting ready to be on like a pot of beans! I am always surprised when this is brought to my attention because I don't realize I am doing it. It has been brought to my attention by several different men, co-workers included. I have only formed one trusting relationship with a man since I left my ex. It's not a bf/gf relationship but a very close friendship. We are peas and carrots, I've dried his tears and he's dried mine, and I trust this man with my life...but even he has felt a need to point my defensive/aggressive behavior out. I don't think this man would ever harm a hair on my head and I trust him completely, yet I am still defensive and apparently it affects how others are interacting with me. My friend stood there in front of me last night with his arms open wide and begged me to hit him as hard as I could, to give him a good gut shot, he thought it might make me feel better...I refused to though.

    My heightened startle response freaks people out too. Something as simple as a phone ringing can make me jump and scream like I'm being attacked.
     
  12. Seeking_Nirvana

    Seeking_Nirvana I'm a VIP

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    This is interesting to me because my ex-boyfriend stated I was passive aggressive. He said this because I would be extremely nice to everyone, and a people pleaser, but the minute some one crossed me I would go into a rage?

    Tammy
     
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